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H has been having an affair since July ..

(198 Posts)
crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 06:52:36

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 09:41:12

I could accept a one night stand but this is more- complete with vomit inducing gushy emails written like 50 shades.

At the moment I want closure and some sort of revenge where he feels as shit as me but I don't want to go to prison so it's a no-go really.

Thanks for the advice about putting me and the kids first. I might treat them to Dominos tonight to celebrate NYE.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:31

I can't imagine him passing away being this painful. I am pissed off at the tears I've shed. I deserve better.

madgered Mon 31-Dec-12 10:15:48

The same thing has just happened to me. I found out on Christmas day, when I stumbled on his phone - something compelled me to look- and I saw all the messages. He bought her a Links bracelet for Christmas. I went ballistic and I'm so, so gutted to tell you, my DC heard it all. he's obviously denying the whole thing and says it was a flirtation and I'm making it all up. my children believe him and now I'm the bad guy! Im not saying anything to the kiddies, Im trying to be strong and loving in their presence.

I wake up at 3am every morning and brood. I sob in the shower and as soon as it stops bloomin raining, ill be going on long walks.

he has crossed the line and his toxicity has affected everyone. he's still in the house with us and refuses to move out. I assume one of his friends told him to stay, for legal reasons. It's Horrendous . I'm going to end it as soon as this holiday hell is over.

Sometimes you have to let this go. Staying in a situation and trying to patch it up when it's obvious that you DH isn't in to it, is psychological self mutilation.

Mrsgorgeous Mon 31-Dec-12 10:16:29

You do deserve better. The emails that I read were sickening too especially the one she wrote him on valentines day...all gushing and ending with that she was going to have a. T shirt printed AAP 4 JPH 4EVA......I couldn't believe it! This was MY husband.

Crying is a natural process; you vent all the emotions this way,the grief anger and humiliation. It is like a grieving for someone who has died but so much harder because that person is still alive and leading a life away from you. It's the shock and betrayal of the person you trusted the most deceiving you. I know , I've been there, am still there sometimes....

Nitty gritty bits to consider, (sorry) ..get yourself checked out at a clinic, not nice but essential. See your doctor who might be able to arrange some counselling for you.

HisstletoeAndWhine Mon 31-Dec-12 10:42:59

There is never a good time to uncover this kind of betrayal, but Christma has to be especially hurtful.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, kicking him out is the best thing to do for now, he won't see what he's losing otherwise.

Even if a cheating twat is refusing to leave, the fact that you are demanding he get out goes a long way into stating how unacceptable he and his behaviour is.

It will get easier.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:24:41

He's on his way round to get some stuff. 11 year old ds is going to let him in while I hide at Morrisons. I asked him to chat to the kids and answer their questions and reassure them. We shall see what happens.

Ds found ow on Facebook and assures me that she's not as pretty as me bless. He's usually a moody pre-teen but he's been a big help. I feel confident that everything will be ok without h.

He has now accepted responsibility and that he has been gaslighting me. I don't think I want him any more but closure would be nice. (It's too raw to go through it today.)

Part of me is laughing at the tacky 50shades thing and how textbook his behaviour has been. I should have posted in July and you would have all guessed that he was having an affair.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:25:23

Ow is called Christa - so close to the word Christmas. Spooky!

PhoebeGreen Mon 31-Dec-12 12:30:22

So sorry you're going through this.
Keep in mind that you don't need to make any decisions according to any timescale.
You can decide something, then change your mind, then change again.
What is most important right now is you and your children.
Your H has lost the right to be a top priority.
Keep posting - we're here for you.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:51:04

Thank you. I was feeling alone but the support has been amazing.

sarahseashell Mon 31-Dec-12 13:12:32

OP my heart goes out to you. I too have been there. Better to throw him out and let him try to worm his way back than keep hanging on in this situation IMO. I think it's very hard to get past something like this though tbh. I got divorced and now several years on have never been happier. I wouldn't have believed that at the time. Keep posting on here the support is fantastic. Dreadful position to be in but you will get through it I promise. Best of luck to you and your dcs

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 01:17:03

He came round, we talked and he left.

The children and I kept busy and hate a Dominos for supper. Dh texted the kids and is going to pick them up tomorrow morning. He spent the evening texting them. Apparently his new year resolutions are to stop biting his nails and spend more time with the kids. We shall see on that last one.

I think he's an arse but I know that I will be ok without him.

I have a copies of a bunch of their emails. Ow called me today and begged me not to make them public. I laughed and hung up. She got h to ask me too. I'd like to destroy them in a symbolic way (maybe dumping on a printout?) but Im not going to delete them yet. Ow is married with no kids. At least her h gets a clean break.

I like to think Im behaving with dignity and poise but part of me wants to go crazy. He's broken my heart and I have to sort out a trip to the docs to check for stds- nice!

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 01:59:18

The ow called you? He gave her your contact details? shock

Keep their emails in the family, so to speak, by sharing them with her dh and us.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 02:28:25

So tempted to post their emails but they'd probably end up making someone rich with the 50 shades of shite content.

I've never been to a sexual health clinic and a bit worried that I'll be judged as a junkie or something. Is it blood tests? Urine?

vole3 Tue 01-Jan-13 06:39:55

I'm sorry for what you and your DC are going through.
Having been there himself you would have hoped that H would not have chosen that path for his children.

Totally agree with Cogit regarding changing his status in your head from friend. He wasn't being your partner & friend when he started the affair and you shouldn't consider his needs in a 'friendly' manner now you have some tough decisions to make.

First and foremost take care of you, if you are OK, DC will be.

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 09:18:40

However tempting, please don't make the emails public. Not because that would hurt them - but because it would certainly hurt you and bring no benefit whatsoever to you or the children.
You can, of course, keep them thinking that you might ... wink
You can also share them here so we can all have a good laugh give suitable advice.
You may need them for a petition for divorce, or to remind him when he rewrites history.
But, one day, you will be able to destroy them and live your life free of the emails and of this tosser.

Keep them- the not knowing what you are going to do will be more painful to them.
They won't be having such a wonderful time now it's not so illicit anymore.
Concentrate on you and dc. You sound v strong.
Sexual health clinic no big deal at all. Friend is a wonderful nurse at one - sees hundreds of people a month- says its a privelege to help.

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 09:27:06

People at sexual health clinics are lovely in my experience.

BelleoftheFall Tue 01-Jan-13 09:55:23

I've been to a sexual health clinic and they have people from all walks of life going there for all sorts of reasons, from STD tests to contraceptive advice to pregnancy tests. Nobody will think you're a junkie: the people who are working there will see this day as any others, helping people, and the people who are there for appointments won't judge you for obvious reasons!

I'm not sure what your tests will involve but for mine it was just a vaginal swab that I did myself in the privacy of a bathroom. Tbh I would tell them that your partner was unfaithful and has been sleeping with at least one other woman and ask what they recommend in terms of testing- I'm not a professional but perhaps they might test for an array of things just to make sure.

Good luck.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:24:17

It's a good idea to keep the emails. I sent copies to a relative who has them in a folder in case I need them......oh and to her boss!
My ex and her worked together in a large workplace . Nobody had a clue what was going on and their bubble burst with an almighty bang. Some people on here told me off for doing that but I also got a lot of support and pm's from others. I'm glad I did it and told the OW that she was lucky I hadn't laminated them and hung them round all the lamposts.

There were lots of people at clinic for all different reasons and all I had was a swab. The lady I saw was very kind.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:44:39

Thanks for the info on sexual health clinics. Will definitely be visiting.

The kids are on an access visit so feeling wobbly. It's good that he is focusing on what is important at least for the day. I am sitting on my hands with regards to the emails. He reckons they could both lose their jobs. I don't care about him but I won't get maintenance so better not. It's not like it would make him feel remotely as shit as I feel right now.

Dc2 (9) and dc3 (6) seem absolutely fine. Dc1 (11) has been really sensitive to me shock and is shocked on my behalf. He is the only child showing signs of being affected. Will the younger 2 be upset later or are they really ok as h wasn't here much anyway?

Wedding ring will be off soon. Can't do it right now even though my heart and head are moving towards that conclusion.

Feeling quite stabby towards h today so it's good that dc are old enough to get into his car without me coming out. I made sure Im looking fab just in case he wanted to talk so he can at least feel a bit bad for not being able to have me :-p

2013 has to be a better year. Not sure I can do the school run without crying. I assume they like to be informed?

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:53:01

It's his birthday on the 3rd Jan.

A small gift from each of the 3 kids is fine right? Or should I treat it as normal bar meals/drinks/cake ?

I actually have 3 gifts that I kept back from Christmas (about £6-£8 each) that he'd like. I don't want to go shopping for him and think that he's lucky to get anything.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:15

It's a good idea to let the school know preferably their class teacher and the learning mentor if they have one at their school.

KEEP the emails! They are both probably shitting themselves now....BUT remember this if nothing else......They didn't care at the time , it was all exciting and great fun to be deceiving and betraying the ones who loved them. Not so great now that their sordid affair has been exposed.

You will need the emails as evidence if nothing else.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:24

Yes I would let the schools know. They can then just keep an extra out for your dc's.

Sorry thing are shit for you right now, but (to quote a cliche) time is a good healer.
You will get stronger and things will get easier in time.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:57:25

I would give the small presents to him from the dc's and a card from them,,,,that is all.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:57:54

Must stop repeating myself * nothing else!

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