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this post is just for me - doesn't matter if you answer or not!

(115 Posts)
stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:04:36

Relationships board - it is just before New Year and - have reached an ephipiony! I am ditching DP. On New Year's Day. Symbolic? Yes, cruel? Maybe. He cheated on me on his stag less than two weeks before wedding. We are 5 months on - he has turned himself inside and out to make things right. It isn't right, it never will be. Faithless twat. Happy New Year everybody!

Ruprekt Mon 07-Jan-13 23:29:00

How are things?

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:20:37

Hey Stuffit ((((hugs hun))))

blush <hangs head>

At least he has had the decency to try to make up for it. You have both tried everything, but the trust has been broken.

wine, duvet, exercise & Marion Keyes books are in order.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sun 06-Jan-13 14:08:00

Hi stuffit. I can't believe I missed this read, I didn't realise it was you..

Well done. You have made a very difficult decision, but you have made it for yourself. It doesn't matter what anybody else says or thinks. It is your life and your feelings. It sounds like he has tried hard to make it up to you, but if you cant forgive and forget, then it will NEVER work out in the long term.

This is why we were all so insistent that you should not go ahead with the wedding. It would make everything so much harder to deal with now if you had to file for divorce.

Half of me would like nothing more than for XH to knock on my door begging forgiveness and wanting to come home, even now. But the sane half of me knows that I would be constantly checking his emails, phone, facebook and everything. I would always wonder if he was in contact with OW when he was out of the house. and even if I did check everything, he could have more secret email addresses etc. I would never ever trust him again. Ever. and that is no way to live a life or a marriage.

You are young, you have plenty of time to meet somebody else, somebody who will love and respect you and not cheat on you.

Well done for having the strength to make this decision and for sticking to it.

It won't be easy, but we are all here to support you.

Midwife99 Sun 06-Jan-13 09:51:14

I don't think any of us feel "pity" for you - I think it's more of a well done for coming through it kind of admiration. But I understand if you want a new name/fresh start if course.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 06-Jan-13 08:36:15

Oh and I know I said hi to you and asked how you were on another Relationships thread. I won't do that again - you can do without constant head-tilty, sympathetic questions I am sure!

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 06-Jan-13 08:30:16

I wouldn't name change.

Yes I will remember your name and why I remember.

But I remember many, many other posters for one comment or one experience. There are two posters I 'know' whose children have died...I can't ever not remember that but it doesn't prevent me from seeing them as multi faceted people having a laugh or a grumble etc.

Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved. I'm in awe of someone who can do what you're doing when you are still in love with him.

Go, sista! <punches air in too-much-coffee stylee>

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 22:28:24

Oh that's good! Your comment is still making me laugh out loud! I obviously need to get out more! I don't know you, but I think things will work out for you - I think once you decide you're worth respect, then you find you start getting lots of it from people around you in your life. I can imagine you posting in a couple of years time having met some kind, gentle man, advising people who are in a similar predicament to the one you're in (as well as advising people whose dishwashers and tumble dryers have broken down not to worry and to get a life) grin

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 22:02:34

Oh of course not magichouse! I was laughing at myself. One of my coping mechanisms is humour. I'm the clown at work. I'm genuinely pleased I made you laugh. Please don't worry - hard to convey tone on here, isn't it?

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 21:58:03

Hope you didn't think I was laughing at you, or at what happened! It was the comparison of posting on a "life without a tumble dryer" bit that made me laugh! I think that when people post on here with difficult stories, most people reading just hope everything works out for them, rather than judging. I hope you can work this out.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 21:43:17

I'll maybe name change in future for a fresh start. Just for myself. Silly but I sometimes can't even bear to check Threads I'm On if I've a thread going. I don't want to see what people have said. Makes it all real again. We're civilised at moment because we're both numb. Had a lovely christmas together so this is a bolt out of blue for him. He's done all the right things, we've been incredibly happy. We even had an amazing time on our 'honeymoon'. But it lurks. And it's always there. I suppose at back of my mind I want him to stay in area so that if in six months or something I find it doesn't hurt anymore and its meant to be, then it can be.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:36:30

Thank you Chipping thanks

Of course you're right about the name changing but I do think it's natural to be loathe to be seen to go on and on and not be seen to take a the excellent advice and support given here on board. As others posters might say "You must be so exasperated with me" and I'd hate anyone to get overwhelmed and feel they had to hide or leave sad

Midwife99 Sat 05-Jan-13 21:35:54

Yes I agree - it will be heart wrenching to watch him move 200 miles away but it'll be really tempting to have him round the corner when you still love & fancy him so much. A clean break might be more painful but ultimately more freeing for you.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:26:50

StuffIt - I wouldn't encourage him too much. An Ex 200 miles away is much better than an Ex 2 streets away - especially when you still love them and still find them attractive. He's an adult, he's making this decision - if he wants to go back 'home' - let him. Really, it will be much easier for you in the long run, even though right now you feel you want to keep him close.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:24:42

tzella - well done you!!! I'm so glad you got there in the end.

People shouldn't be afraid to post for what others might say sad Yeah, you might get the odd numb nutz putting the boot in, but the majority will be supportive. Christ, most of us who post on these threads have been there before you and can only give advice because we've walked in your shoes!!

foolonthehill Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:47

Keep the name flowers or not brew the truth is that you are worth a thousand of him .You posting again to say that you believe that now makes me grin.

<<pom poms> and a ((((hug)))))

Darkesteyes Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:33

What Chipping in just said. 100%.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:30

Sounds like he's being good about it all, which must be a relief too. I'd advise you to DETACH etc but your break up sounds so civil that it doesn't seem right to tell him you don't care, its his problem and to just sling his hook etc hmm

Mine was extraordinarily handsome too hmmgrinblush and the thought of never spooning up to his big strong freckly back ever again makes me feel.... great grin

Darkesteyes Sat 05-Jan-13 21:22:35

Stuffit He is responsible for what is happening now for cheating on you in the first place.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:22:31

You have been very strong. Very, very, strong. I used to have nightmares about cancelling our wedding - wanting to, but not having the courage to do it and ending up married to him (I was with my fiance at the time, we didn't get married in the end) and I would wake up shaking. To be the wronged one, to still be in love with him and to go through cancelling a wedding less than two weeks before it takes the kind of courage not many of us have - don't you dare name-change. No-one with half a brain will be thinking 'oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag' they will be thinking (if anything - most people don't really remember posters names that much) 'Stuffit - she was that amazingly strong woman who kicked her fuckwit DP to the kerb - well done that girl - now what's this about a tumble dryer...'

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 21:17:56

High five sister! I got a mention on your thread grin thought my ears have been burning. I'm trying really hard to stay upbeat and positive. Can't go down the what if road. I love him so bloody much. Trying to persuade him to consider a friend's offer of place to stay. The finality of him having to give up job and move 200 miles away back home pounds in my ears. I don't want the responsibility of that iyswim? magichouse glad I gave you a chuckle x

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:06:13

Aww Stuffit sad I started a thread about calling the police after my horrible ex beat me up and was then embarrassed to ever post again in case anyone asked if id got rid if him but... I finally got to where you are (that it was OVER) and I dumped him on 2/1! I think someone mentioned you on my recent thread and I'm sorry I didn't post here to cheer you on smile

<highfive>

Sunnywithshowers Sat 05-Jan-13 21:04:37

Stuffit, I'm sure people don't think that. Big hugs to you, it will get better xxx

A new name might be a good idea smile

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 20:53:44

even when I post on something innocuous like 'how do I survive without a tumble-dryer' I imagine that others are thinking "oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag"

Really sorry but that made me laugh!! I didn't see your original thread, but it sounds like you have done the right thing. You sound very brave and very strong. You deserve someone who would never think it's ok to treat someone like that. Good luck.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 20:45:43

Your support is invaluable. Thank you for taking the time. I'm still sticking to my guns. Feel very low and down. The thought of returning to work isn't helping. I'm also getting bit paranoid. Silly I know but so many posters remember my thread that even when I post on something innocuous like 'how do I survive without a tumble-dryer' I imagine that others are thinking "oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag". Think maybe a new name may be needed to go along with my new life sad

You know you couldn't live with that knowledge (and who's to say he wouldn't do it again ? ) your friends and family have no right to comment as they weren't the one who would be living with him !!

You did the right thing

You will meet someone else who you will fancy the pants off and you can learn from this experience

Well done you did the hardest thing, breaking up with someone you're in love with but know he's not good for you

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