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this post is just for me - doesn't matter if you answer or not!

(115 Posts)
stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:04:36

Relationships board - it is just before New Year and - have reached an ephipiony! I am ditching DP. On New Year's Day. Symbolic? Yes, cruel? Maybe. He cheated on me on his stag less than two weeks before wedding. We are 5 months on - he has turned himself inside and out to make things right. It isn't right, it never will be. Faithless twat. Happy New Year everybody!

Ruprekt Tue 01-Jan-13 15:35:20


AttillaTheMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:32:30

This time last year.... This time last year I had just left my husband and was sitting at my parents convinced he would call and say sorry and beg me back. The night before he had emotionally tortured me for hours before grabbing me by the throat and threatening to spit in my face. He never did apologise but convinced me to go back, I so badly wanted him to change and was worried about my DDs.
Over the next few months his behaviour became worse, he would push and prod me, kicked me. Made awful remarks about my family and was less than pleasant to me.
He would ignore our DDs and was the mort self absorbed person I have ever met.
I did finally leave him and he has put a tremendous amount of effort into making life difficult for me and my family.

I recently met someone else who's 'normality' has shown me how it is not normal to be told you aren't good enough , even if it is done in a 'poor you' voice and not always shouted. It's nice to have someone tell me how I'm beautiful, a great mum and a catch blush
It feels good not to cry daily.

I'm not saying meet someone else. I'm saying if HE isn't good enough, don't waste time trying. You need two people putting in the effort to make a marriage work.

What a difference a year makes

AttillaTheMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:34:11

Oops. Meant to start my own thread! Sorry

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 17:53:37

well done on leaving him Atilla

BerylStreep Tue 01-Jan-13 18:51:37

Stuffit, I am glad to hear you have made a decision. I always remember thinking that you seemed totally entranced by his looks and body. Looks fade.

I also think it is only fair to your DP to call it a day and move on if you have realisated that no amount of gestures he makes is ever going to make up for the betrayal.

Good luck for 2013.

nannyof3 Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:36

How did it go?

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:46

Update: really sorry everybody, the deed has not yet been done sad. Reason was to be today was that we were supposed to be back at home by now. A change in plans has meant we are still away. Don't want to do it then do the long journey home. Sorry, I know this sounds like a pitiful excuse.

Ruprekt Tue 01-Jan-13 19:12:48

That's OK Stuffit.

No need to please random strangers! Just do it when it feels right for you.


izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 19:31:59

This time, next time, some time, never...

The longer you leave it, the less likely you are to do it and I do sooo hope you don't opt for the latter because you deserve a lot more than a man who only has his 'golden boy' looks to recommend him.

lemonstartree Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:39

you go girl. I'm so impressed that you have come to your own decision in your own time. You sound confident and certain of your boundaries and your values. well done.

One phrase you use in the original thread really stuck with me ' that while you were on your hen night showing pictures of your gorgeous fiance , he was bollock deep in some slag'

I couldn't, in the long run, forgive (or forget) that either, though I know my initial reaction would have been as stunned and devastated as you were.

Happy 2013 x itwill be hard to let him go, but harder I suspect, to stay with him....

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:55

I'll get there. I promise. Really hoped that would be able to forgive and forget; but I can't.

ILikeWhisperingToo Tue 01-Jan-13 22:08:24

Just popping in to send you some positive thoughts smile

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 22:12:45

I find that when someone does something unforgiveabe it ain't all that easy to forgive and as for forgetting, forget it...!

Mum2Fergus Tue 01-Jan-13 22:14:16

Good luck OP.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:08

'... he was bollock deep in some slag.' But she wasn't the one about to get married, was she? He was the wrong-doer in this case - and handsome is as handsome does, as the cliché goes.
Hopefuuly you're seeing that now, and not letting the prospect of a pretty face being being around for a bit longer sway you.

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 22:29:21

Thanks for all your support it helps enormously. Happy New Year all. 2013 will be my year and on my terms. I can make the big decisions remember? Needs be right time though - and no rush this time. No obvious deadline. Few more days either way makes no difference. I liked the symbolism of New Year's Day (and that was when we were meant to be home). Plans have unavoidably changed so the big talk and the big break up will have to wait for couple days. He'll keep...

Whocansay Tue 01-Jan-13 22:30:02

I lurked on your previous thread and was shocked by his behaviour. You were courageous to call a halt to the wedding then and you can find the strength to end it now. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to end the relationship when you still love him. But I think that you know it is for the best. I wouldn't be able to get passed what he did either.

All the best.

Ruprekt Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:36

Any He'sDumped news today? smile

Darkesteyes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:46:44

Are you ok Stuffit. Has he convinced you to remain in this relationship or havent you been able to tell him yet?

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 02:40:58

I did it - yesterday. Horrendous. I'm gutted. So is he. My family and friends giving me so much shit. They all know what happened but they all keep banging on about how I've been happier than they've ever seen me since I met him; how sorry he is etc. He is devestated. Can't stay in same room as him. Feel so guilty. How do I stay strong when absolutely nobody thinks I'm doing the right thing??

izzyizin Sat 05-Jan-13 02:51:48

How do you stay strong when others just don't get it absolutely nobody thinks you're doing the right thing?

You don't compromise your personal integrity to suit others and you uphold your values, moral or otherwise, by staying true to yourself.

Booyhoo Sat 05-Jan-13 02:53:49

well done !!

you stay strong because YOU have done the right thing for YOU! you cannot live your life for anyone else. no-one else is living your life, knowing what you know and feeling what you feel. no-one can say if your decision is right or wrong as they aren't you.

again. well done!!

notnagging Sat 05-Jan-13 02:55:58

It's not about them it's your choice! My sil is married to an abusive partner who is getting worse because he has manipulated her into staying. The whole family thought he was great when they first met but now struggling to convince her to leave. Do what feels right for you not your family! Everyone's always got an opinion.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 02:57:26

Thanks, I appreciate your replies. Can't even begin to pretend that this is easy. He is choosing to go home - back to his mum and dad's house and no job. Says only reason he would ever stay here is because of me. I just feel so very very shit. I know I'm not responsible for him and his life. I'm just finding it hard. He is so sorry. He has tried hard. I don't think he would cheat again - but I just can't get over it. I would really like to.

Arseface Sat 05-Jan-13 02:57:58

People hate change but you can't tie yourself up in knots just to keep others comfortable.

They probably would have understood you leaving straight after the event but feel shaken by the news now when they'd assumed you were over it.

What's actually happened is that you've given this man and your relationship every chance and it still isn't working. I bet he's devastated. It takes an incredible amount of strength and wisdom to do what you've done and he's thrown you away for a quick shag!

You can walk away with a conscience as clear as a bell and begin your new life unburdened by doubts and what ifs.

I bet they'll be saying they always thought you should leave him in a few months time!

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