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Stunned and heartbroken by husbands behaviour

(26 Posts)
roddersb Sun 30-Dec-12 01:22:09

Up until 13 October 2012 I was, I thought, happily married to the father of my twins. We had been together 12 years and married for 6 and there had been no breakdown in our relationship or warning that there was a problem.

On the 13th October he did not come home from work after I had found evidence of concealed earnings and considerable debt and he ended our relationship without explanation or warning and has since moved in with another woman and her child.

He has refused to discuss any issues other than seeing his children and has refused to see me in person since he left and I have no understanding of what has happened and no closure and he is extremely cold and heartless when up until he left he was loving and doting.

I have had to go through the csa to secure maintenance and have been told that the child with whom he is living reduces the amount of money he then has to pay to our children. I work fulltime and have three children in total and have been left to cope with a mortgage, a horse, a dog and the three children with a considerably reduced amount of money due to csa calculations.

Friends and family cannot believe what has happened as he always told them (unbeknownst to be) how happy he was with me and in his family.......please can someone shed some light on what the hell happened....I am left with not only huge rejection but massive unanswered questions.

Musomathsci Sun 30-Dec-12 01:25:57

I wonder if the other woman is as shocked as you - did she know of your existence I wonder? What a coward and unreasonable not to provide you with any explanation, especially now he's been busted and is living with his other family. So sorry, can't think of anything helpful to say except get yourself a decent solicitor and get a proper settlement asap.

pictish Sun 30-Dec-12 01:26:24

I am very sorry that this has happened to you.
He has never revealed anything to you surrounding his leaving then? Obviously he was having an affair. He has never apologised or talked about it at all?

VestaCurry Sun 30-Dec-12 01:28:59

What a horrendous shock sad. I don't really know what to say, except I wish you lots of luck and strength to get through this. Having no clue as to why, when the why started etc must be awful.

I can't tell you what happened and you might never get the full truth. Now is the time for self preservation. Make sure you get good legal advice and try to disengage. I'm so sorry x

Is there a chance the OW's child could be his? Would that make any more sense of his abandonment?

Regardless, it is a cruel and unforgivable way to treat you and you must be utterly shell shocked.

I am so sorry. confused

lunar1 Sun 30-Dec-12 01:35:12

Are you sure the child is not his, would a random womans child really reduce your payments?

I am so sorry this is happening op, I don't know what to say it must have been a huge shock.

mumvswild Sun 30-Dec-12 01:35:32

How old is the OWs child? Sorry this has happened.

suburbophobe Sun 30-Dec-12 01:40:19

Oh God I'm so sorry for you, what a horrendous thing to find out.

This has obviously been well planned by him.

Can't give you any other advice than not to dwell (too much) on what has happened and PRONTO secure your financial future by getting yourself a hot shit lawyer!

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sun 30-Dec-12 01:41:17

Similar situation - XH walked out in Feb, with no prior unhappiness, loving up until the day he went.. OW had turned his head.

I suggest that the same has happened to you. He must have been seeing OW for some time to have moved in with her already. My XH left me with a £700 mortgage and a 4yo DD.

I would suggest that you get good legal advice ASAP in the New Year. That you keep contact with him to an absolute minimum. Make sure that you have told the Tax Credit Office that you are on your own, and the Council Tax office. See if there are any other benefits that you are entitled to.

Sadly the CSA thing is right. If he lives with another child, then he is deemed to be supporting that child and that child is considered before his own. I do think this is shocking, but it is the system...

I understand that you will be going through a huge amount of disbelief, shock and grief at the moment. I have had counselling to try and make sense of what happened to me, but I will never know all the answers and I doubt that you will either.

These men have a cunning way of being very selfish and rewriting history to explain why they simply HAD to leave their family. You need to retain your dignity, and stand firm and strong. Communicate with him by text or email only and do not get drawn into any arguments. Treat him the way he is treating you.

I know how hard it is. In the space of a year I have gone from having a loving husband (so I thought) to being divorced. Surround yourself with friends, talk to people, keep posting on here for support.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sun 30-Dec-12 01:43:31

Also, contact the mortgage company ASAP and get a stop put on the mortgage. That means that neither of you can borrow money against the house without the permission of the other one..... That is essential if your H has debts.

Also, discuss if you could put the mortgage onto interest only if it isnt already, that would reduce the payments for you.

badinage Sun 30-Dec-12 02:09:43

It's fairly obvious he was having an affair long before he left and the financial infidelity was all part of the emotional and sexual infidelity.

I believe you when you say you thought you were happy. I'd be willing to bet so was he until he decided that he was entitled to an escape from the pressures of having so many small children and responsibilities.

Then it got out of hand.....

There are some people in this world who can only love the woman they are with and to cope with the guilt of wanting someone else, have to trash the first wife and treat her like shit. It's displacement and it's very common in stories like this. It's nothing you've done; this is all about him.

The reason he won't speak to you is because you were there and know that what ever story he has cooked up about being desperately unhappy and being driven into this other woman's arms, is a pile of bullshit that you'll call him on. Your more accurate memory for what life was really like would get in the way of the fantasy he's created to justify his actions and he doesn't want to face that - or you.

All you can do for now is to get a good lawyer and fight for what's yours, insisting that he meets his responsibilities.

One day, it won't matter as much that you've got no closure. I promise you that what I've said is likely to be the truth and so there wasn't a thing you could have done to stop this from happening. Ultimately you were married to an extremely selfish man who will likely do the same when the going gets tough in this other family. At some point he will be treating the current OW like the shit on his shoe and the cycle will repeat.....

Amazoniancracker Sun 30-Dec-12 02:10:46

skyblue you are so wonderful, compassionate and strong. You give the OP great advice. You have come such a long way yourself. You should be proud.

rodders the fact is you may eventually get some answers, or you may not. It's a killer. The not knowing. But you do come to terms with it and eventually it only matters once every while.

The absolute main thing is, that you go to bed repeating to yourself things like 'Me and the Twins come first. We have our whole lives together. He is a Knob. I don't give a toss what or why he is behaving like this. I will find out one day mayeb and that might be sooner or later. In The Meantime i will be strict about contact only to do with issues re the Twin s and everything else..well, frankyl, he can swing'

It's a bit long but you get my drift. The main point is

he is a knob.
Of the highest order.
He's not a nice or a good man
He's a total knob.

Good luck to him with Ms New-Knob. He will have lied through his bloody teeth to her.

Feel, think, lover and plan for, only yourself and your twins right now.

Also, he is a total Childish Knob with shit for brains.

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 05:29:54

I experienced a similar situation with the father of my eldest DD (now 19). He left, disappeared more or less, no explanation, no support, no contact. Basically he didn't want to be a dad (DD was 2). Over time bits of info have leaked. his now wife met him during the period he left us. By the way, he was forever leaving, disappearing and then reappearing out of the undergrowth. Eventually he stayed gone but had obviously hooked up with new woman, in other words didn't bail ship completely until there was a new berth waiting. The twat.

I will never and have never had anything approaching a useful explanation as to what he did or why he did it.. I have always hoped that a degree of marrow melting shame on his part has been the obstacle to that. But as someone said above, your razor sharp memory of events keeps him silent. Nothing like a dose of reality to tip your position into the shitter.
Expend no energy on this. do not torment yourself with questions for which there are no answers available. Focus on you and your kids, be the best person you know you can be.
Fuck him, he is barely a human at this point. keep at arms length. limit the damage for now and then you will recover.

NeverMindOhWell Sun 30-Dec-12 06:11:44

Just to add to what Amazonian said, write it all down. The reasons you don't want/need him around, how much better off you'll be without him, the fact that you can now find a decent man who is honest and trustworthy and honourable.

You deserve better and so do your DCs. Look at this daily, even hourly if necessary. Do not get drawn into conversation with him, you are the strong one, he is the coward who checked out without even having the courtesy of telling you.

An explanation from him would be nice but knowing what a dishonest b*stard this man is, do you ever think you'd get the full story?

Be strong, you're so much better off without him.

LifeMovesOn Sun 30-Dec-12 10:47:04

You have to face that you may never get a respectful answer from him - it often happens. Men are able to move on quickly and their way of dealing with guilt is to, like someone else has said, almost rewrite history - unfortunately not only their own but yours and your DCs.

I've never had a proper reason or apology from my ex-h and that was over 3.5 years ago. It used to eat me up - I NEEDED to know why.

But now I'm just happy getting on with my new life - and you know what, you will too, no matter how unattainable that will seem right now.

Your (what used to be) husband is in denial about your feelings - it's simply easier for him to cope with that way.

He's a heartless, conniving, pathetic excuse for a human being - sad that he used to be part of your world.

Take card of yourself first - no-one else can - then life will fall back into place one teensy step at a time.

Please get legal advice ASAP, you will feel better for it.

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this - but you WILL get through it. I did and that surprised me.

Take care xx

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 16:47:28

"please can someone shed some light on what the hell happened."

In a word cowardice. A cowardly, liar that had deluded himself he could cope with having a secret life, hiding his money/debts & running two women side by side until one of them ... you... made life awkward by exposing the lie. (It's not impossible that he met and moved in with the new girlfriend & her family in the space of a couple of months but it's not very likely.)

Cowardice also explains the subsequent silence. He doesn't want to explain because then he'd have to face the music and act like a grown-up. You'll probably get some cock and bull story at some point... he's had a few weeks to think of something and he's clearly a very good liar. I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

NettleTea Sun 30-Dec-12 16:58:25

do you have contact with his parents? what do they say about this?
The fact he had hidden earnings and debts so that he was quite capable of living a double life, and it was unlikely that he met and moved in with this woman just like that, especially if she had a child - most women would be wary of moving a new man into their home with a child to consider. Could the child be his? If there was a double life going on then that probably explains the debts, and I do wonder whether she knew about you.

Asking 'why' is you blaming yourself.

You are looking for 'what YOU did wrong'. So that you can rewrite history and torture yourself with 'if only I did this'.

The real answer is you did nothing wrong and that he is a fucking cock of the highest order who deceived you with lies and false promises.

The only thing wrong here is him - for never saying anything, for never talking about it, for hiding his feelings and/or true nature from you.

RafflesWay Sun 30-Dec-12 17:20:17

Oh rodd - how awful for you and Dc. My gut reaction pretty much follows that of nettle. My first thought was "double life" and you have lost out because you found out! To say you must feel shellshocked is an understatement. Although thankfully I have never been in this position I second taking the terrific advice from fellow mn's who have. People like skybluesapphire, Lola, lifemoves and many more HAVE been there and will prove fantastic support over the coming months. Take care and big pats on the back for coping so well for your dcs and getting through Christmas. 2013 WILL get better!

Wecanfixit Sun 30-Dec-12 21:41:25

So sorry you have had this horrendous shock to deal with in your life a similar thing happened to me 20 yrs ago, it is huge massive shock, please seek legal advice asap, try to deal with the immediate things first, talk and a talk to friends family and keep talking trust me your friends will get you through this no matter how hurt you are at the moment , be kind to yourself you did nothing wrong you were decieved in the worst posssible way and your lovely DCs , they will help you get through this as well, sorry but I think the woman he is now living with there is a strong possibility the child may be his , again sorry for your lose you do not deserve this , thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

MatureUniStudent Sun 30-Dec-12 23:21:59

Happy - would you mind clarifying - if you have a joint mortgage, is it possible for one party to still obtain loans against the joint house mortgage? You have worried me there. My H (separated but no divorce) has an addiction he feeds, and will rob a blind beggar to feed this addiction. So am concerned that I thought he couldn't obtain any further loans against the house I am in?

MatureUniStudent Sun 30-Dec-12 23:23:38

And so sorry OP - I had a Walter Mitty Husband - living a double life. The shock is overwhelming so you have my greatest sympathy. The rotter.

Chocberry Sun 30-Dec-12 23:51:26

Sorry you are going through this sad It is absolutely disgusting! 12 years, 3 children and not even an explanation. What a coward.
Please do not blame yourself, look after yourself and take each day as it comes. Take as much support as you can from friends and family. Hugs to you.

dondon33 Mon 31-Dec-12 17:42:04

Mature - what Happy said above unfortunately can be done.
If I were you I'd call the mortgage company and give a quick explanation as to why you're worried (with very good reason) It'll give you peace of mind and they'll be able to advise what the best options are for going forward.

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