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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 19:45:29

(((Chaos))you are too,.lets get married!
Justfab can be the Vicar ofMumsnet

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 19:46:40

You want to love again ? Genuine question..you have hope..? smile

Ha ha!

Yes, I do. I want to believe that someone is capable of loving me like I lived him. I want to know all the emotion and love, whilst wasted on him, can be given to me by someone truly wonderful.

It won't be easy, but he can't ruin my dreams too, can he?

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 19:52:48

Thats great! They say there is someone out there for everybody! smile

But

You cannot yet. You have to make the space in your life to work on you.
Therapy...womebs Aid

You will attract the same shit and not manage it aswell as you could do otherwise..

Not all men are bad or perfect I lije being singlr but stereotyped as biteror a manhater...

Yeah, definitely not yet. It is way too soon. I agree I would only make another catasphrohic choice.

And I don't blame you for being a man hater!

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:07:57

I'm not a man hater, I am stereotyped as being one or bitter because I prefer to stay single. My typos are terrible today, sorry Chaos.

I guess, in truth for ME I have had a hurtful Father, boys at school also emotiobally bullied me. Right from my earliest memory men have abused me. It never gets better even after 18 months of therapy. I am a carer to my DS and tbat is another obstacle to finding love. I attract abusive men. Thats me. So staying away. Going to get my life full and interesting. Even then staying single as my life is restricted as it is..

I think I am in grave danger of that too.

Am glad you are focusing on you and DD, sole. You seem so strong for it, and I know it can't be easy

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:14:32

It is a lot differentfor you Chaos.. My free time is rare. Don't be influenced by my.choices. I have to shut men out..i am vulnerable to being abused, you had a good Father..

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 20:17:36

grin <orders new hat>.

I'm complex so not your average person. Very needy. Wanted husband and babies asap. At primary school 24 felt old and I said I wanted to marry then and have my first baby at 26 as even I would have found someone by then. You know, with 24 being so old.

First boyfriend - loved him, dated from 15. Figured by 18 we'd have been together long enough to get married. Was with him for years but many break ups as I wanted more than he was ready for. We were only kids. Broke my heart and took years to get over.

Then a couple of idiots. Engaged to one. Never genuine though I don't think on his part. Older man. Engaged. Left him as violent. Next one. Lived with, engaged but he didn't want to get married. Left him as violent to me and my cat. Then I met MrFab. Fell in love. Figured me just being needy and desperate. But goodness, turned out I had so got lucky and he is a really decent man who loves me too and we've been together 17 years now, married 13 1/2.

Forgot my point - delirious with tiredness - but the point might have been that when it is right it just is. You can try and make things happen as much as you want but without the other one being on the same page it just isn't going to happen.

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:20:16

Your DH seems lovely too Justfab...

We all have a past history..

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:24:22

I shall share mine too soon. How old are you justfab and Chaos? If do not mind.

I am38.smile

Thank you justfab, your DH sounds incredible, and I can see from what you've said that it wasn't an easy ride. I am sure it makes it all the more worthwhile. I agree, when it's right it just will be. I'll never have that wrench in my stomach from anxiety over what the day will bring, I'll never fear aggression from a partner and I'll hopefully be respected back.

sole am 26. Sorry that your father treated you that way too. I am incredibly blessed to have a good father. I knew DF deep down never liked ex, and it did trouble me, DF means a lot to me and I trust him. I would like to find a man with his values! DF has never spoken to my mother with contempt, which is why DM finds it very easy to not understand and just sat 'get over it, not like someone you liked has died'...

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 20:35:33

I'm 40.

I am not that bothered that one of the prats hit me but I still feel ill when I remember how he kicked FABCat when he had his big boots on. He was the one that wanted her. I catnapped her when he was out and did one!

Awful, defenceless animal and yourself!

Glad it worked out well for you and DH smile

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:40:37

My DF is an excellent DH to my Mother. Fab sense of humour, romantic, liyal, supportive, great values, moral compass. He just could not stand me most of the time.

Sorry sole that must have been a real blow to you

SoleSource Fri 18-Jan-13 20:51:14

I was about three when I knew he loathed my presence.

sole how are you? Been thinking of you!

Went out last night and I ate loads and had a few drinks. Felt good to feign normality for a while! I still miss the nice him (although am under no illusions!). Just woke up in a hotel in a different city with my friend and thought he was here and it just all brings it back! I know this is for the best, I just find the mornings and the lack of intimacy so hard!

JustFabulous Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:21

A morning means another day without someone who bullies and threatens you and a day closer to when you will have 100% moved on from him.

If you mean you are missing sex then I am sure you could find someone but I would advise you don't rush into anything with anyone just yet.

Hi Fab , not so much sex, just cuddles and false love I guess. Because real love isn't bullying!

I think I just get rise tinted in the mornings !

JustFabulous Sun 20-Jan-13 17:52:00

Cuddle yourself! I know it sounds daft but it has been found that your brain can't tell that it is your own arms around you so you still get the benefits of a cuddle.

Real love most definitely is not bullying.

Rose tinted about what?

Yeah, you're totally right; it's not!

Rose tinted about the way I felt for him; I loved him so much and be showed large signs of feeling the same back, told me, but then acted very unlike it. I kept trying to 'make it right', talk to him, avoid subjects, pray he'd change.. It was exhausting!!

I just feel incredibly let down by how he's reacted. Although I shouldn't ever be; he has never failed to let me down, time and time again !!

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 11:02:28

Talk is cheap. Actions are generally more genuine.

Yes. And he was incapable. Every time. Only satisfied his own agendas, never considered anyone else, bar the poisonous mother of course!

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