Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP complete personality change after losing baby

(78 Posts)
Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 08:24:17

Hey ladies,

I desperately need some advice as I think I'm going crazy and don't no how much longer I can deal with this for. Sorry for the length please bear with me

Me and DP have been together for a year lived together for 6 months, we are in our mod twenties but he is 2 years younger than me.
Planned to have a baby I got pregnant straight away.
At 12 week scan found out baby had anacephaly and would not survive so had to have a termination.
From termination I've had serious complications and have been in hospital twice for over a week at a time and had continuous bleeding with blood clots the size of kiwis for 3 weeks now (Sorry for tmi)

My DP was heartbroken as was I but we seemed to be getting through it together, for the first week.
Then he went to see his mum. She is religious and did not agree with it she is also single and prone to self pity and drinking. He is her only child and has always been her emotional crutch. She told him he needed to come home because what happened was very hard for her and she was very depressed and he would never get over it (he moved an hours drive away to live with me)
Previous to this while I was pregnant she was trying to get my DS from another relationship who is 4 to call her nanny after meeting him less than 5 times and was telling my DP to marry me.

My DP came to see me when I was in hospital for complications from termination, to tell me it would be easier for him to go back and live with his mum so he could sleep when he wants and see his friends and he was very tired as on early shifts. I was absolutely shell shocked and started crying he then said oh no it's just really hard I won't go really

He has done this twice more in the last week, once on xmas day, including saying things like I love you but I'm not in love with you, you have DS so it's all right for you to stay here alone and deal with it coz you have responsibilities, I shouldn't have to deal with it coz I don't have responsibilities?? He never wants to have sex with me again as I'd trick him into getting pregnant??? My mum needs me coz this is really hard for her and she's alone ( her father died in July and she threw in his face that she was an orphan as well, she's 60 btw) and the usual I need to go coz this is to hard and ill never get over it and its because I keep crying its to hard for him coz he doesn't like to see me in pain or upset so he'd rather go and not see it.

When he says i need to go, I say I love you and don't want you too but if that's what you need then do it, I gave him the option of going for a week, with no contact with me to get his head together and see what he wanted. And he just says no, even though he spends hours telling me why he needs to go. Then he doesn't.

This is driving me crazy. I am so sad about the baby it's devastated me, but what he's doing I can't understand. I spend all my time placating him and crying when he goes to sleep/is at work/ when I'm with friends/family. I am so angry with him on one hand but love him so much and am bewildered as to why his treating me like this.
We planned the baby together and we were saving to buy a house, was going to get married, planned how many children we were going to have etc etc. but now he's just emotionally closed off to me and I just can't forget or forgive the way he's been. He's still here but I can't get the thought out of my head that he wants to go but is waiting till I'm better as I'm still quite ill and this has all happened in the last 3 weeks so I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy so soon.

Before this happened we were so in love. He adored me and was lovely. Now it's like he can't even stand me. I'm heartbroken but don't want his pity and would rather he left now than be here grudgingly.
Is this just grief? Or something more? I feel like I can't get over it until i no where i stand with him but then maybe I'm over thinking to much and this is just his way of dealing with it. Maybe I am just incredibly insecure at the moment as th things he has seen happen to me are awful, it's been so humiliating, and I look awful, i feel like a failure and like its my fault he's so sad as I've ruined what we had by not being able to have a healthy baby.
It just seems like he doesn't see me as a person with feelings but said this situation has made him sad and I'm central to that????
I'm so confused. If anyone has any advice Id love to hear it

Thanks for reading sorry its long!


MrsFlibble Sat 29-Dec-12 11:40:40

He sounds much like my exp, i'd think long and hard if you want to be with an emotionally stunted man child.

If you stay and have a healthy baby, a new side will emerge as "you had the baby you look after it"

Hes a dreamer and has a certain picture on what his life should be like.

Sorry for your loss OP, give lots of hugs to DS, cant beat a snuggle from your DS. my DD got me through alot.

vacuuming Sat 29-Dec-12 11:51:21

run, run for the hills. I am so sorry for what you went through, but I feel you will look back on it in years to come and see it as a blessing in disguise.

Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 11:53:27

I no it was irresponsible and now I'm looking back thinking wtf was I thinking. We had been friends before so I've known him for longer than we have been together. It just come out the blue one day and then he wouldn't let it drop, I no I should not of listened to his words and watched his actions but he was lovely and treated me so well. I was the happiest I've ever been. I feel like an absolute idiot. Even though it was quick, I would of loved that baby and looked after them, they would of bad a nice life as we both have secure well paying jobs, house etc. so I no it was stupid to believe him but I just feel so broken and like an idiot. I've never let myself be manipulated like this before.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 11:55:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 12:07:50

Don't sit and judge me on my ability to look after myself or the child I already have as well as my emotional capacity. Don't say thank god I didn't have a baby, how dare you. We had been very good friends for a long time. Why can't we all be like you eh??? On your high horse, having such huge emotional capacity. Must suck to have to deal with us idiots.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 12:16:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I'm really sorry about the baby.

And please don't feel like an idiot. I was much older than you when I showed the clarity of thought you are demonstrating right now!

Look after yourself and your DC.

ErikNorseman Sat 29-Dec-12 12:33:23

Londonone that is a hideous thing to say.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 12:40:09


difficultpickle Sat 29-Dec-12 12:42:47

londonone I've reported your post. Saying that you are thankful the OP lost her baby is absolutely vile.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 12:42:55

Honey, you've been through a really tough experience, both physically and emotionally, but instead of dealing with your own trauma, you've been dealing with his and his mother's (fake) traumas.

However long you've known this boy, you didn't know him really. You just knew the side he showed you and you haven't got the life experience yet to look beyond that.

Focus on getting over the physical and emotional fall-out from the baby. Deal with you and your other child, not him.

My guess for what it's worth is that he's met someone else but is blaming some of this on his mother. If you haven't physically witnessed her saying some of these things, I'd be a bit sceptical about her apparent change of character.

I think this boy will always need a woman to blame for his own fuck-ups. His mother - whichever woman he wants to replace - and in the end, the replacement woman.

duchesse Sat 29-Dec-12 12:43:18

Londonone that was really unkind, uncalled for and plain nasty.

BoyMeetsWorld Sat 29-Dec-12 12:46:26

Londonone I think that's a completely unreasonable attack on OP. the key part you completely miss is that she's got a secure job, her own house, unconditional love to give her child & has been mature enough to maintain a good relationship with her current DC's father. Being mid 20s is absurdly irrelevant - on one hand women are told to have kids younger, on the other they get posts like that making them out to be babies. She's admitted herself she was wrong about him but she certainly would not be alone in getting into this situation & it is not a comment on her parenting ability.

OP - get out while you can. It can only get harder the more involved you become & horrible inlaws put a huge strain on relationships, even without this situation. I know its cheesy & hard but perhaps things sometimes 'happen for a reason'. Sorry about your loss & don't let anyone judge alone know if you are / were ready for another baby & who with.

MrsFlibble Sat 29-Dec-12 12:47:00

Londonone Op came for support, not to be trashed like that.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 12:48:02

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 12:50:21

Boy meets world - she's only mid twenties and already has four year old with one man and is already planning kids with a different man she has been with a very short time because she feels bad for him. That is idiotic and irresponsible IMO

snowshapes Sat 29-Dec-12 12:50:31

Oh my dear, you are not an idiot, we all want to see the best in people. But he has shown you his true colours and there is no going back on that. Look after yourself and your DS and take the time to grieve your lost baby. As others have said, you will find your life partner in time, trust yourself and be strong, don't let a man pressure you, all those things you now know.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 12:52:17

I'm guessing a lot of what the mum is apparently saying is completely uncorroborated and is only coming from his mouth - and possibly not hers.

OP has possibly been in the habit of believing everything he says unquestioningly.

The 'MIL' might have done and said nothing wrong here - except offer her irresponsible and feckless son a roof over his head while he returns to the life of a single man.

FellatioNelson Sat 29-Dec-12 12:56:03

Oh dear. This is awful. Absolutely awful for you. sad I am going to take a wild stab at what is going on here, but it won;t be nice.

You moved in together very quickly, and he became a stepfather overnight. He got carried away with the romantic idea of having a baby, but perhaps deep down, he was starting to have second thoughts and cold feet about committing long term to you, and being a family man.

Losing the baby was awful, but it has given him the perfect opt-out clause. He can now leave you with a clear conscience because he is not walking out on his child.

How old is he?

I think his mother sounds like a loon, but she is a red herring. If he wanted to be with you he would be. sad

Get yourself well, focus on rebuilding a life with you and your son, and move on. Don't allow him to play on-off emotional games with you for the next few months.

OldMinnieC Sat 29-Dec-12 12:56:06

Londonone, does the OP not sound distressed enough already to you? Some compassion wouldn't go amiss.

londonone Sat 29-Dec-12 12:56:14

Why the pussyfooting around. It is very sad that he OPs pregnancy ended the way it did but hat doesn't change he fact it was very silly to plan to have a child with a man you have only been in relationship with for a short time because he made you feel guilty.

FellatioNelson Sat 29-Dec-12 12:57:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

OldMinnieC Sat 29-Dec-12 12:58:13

As the OP has quite clearly indicated herself. So why the need for salt in the wounds? Unconstructive and cruel.

FellatioNelson Sat 29-Dec-12 12:59:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now