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Feeling down about negative reactions to my pregnancy!(19 Posts)
Hello, this is my first post in a group although I have been reading loads of replies to other posts. I hope you ladies can help me too! It's a bit of a rant so I apologise in advance!
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am 25 and my partner is 27 we both have stable jobs but we are not married and we currently live with my mum as we were saving for a mortgage.
This pregnancy was not exactly planned but after getting over the initial shock both my partner and myself are happy. So is my mum. The problem is with my friends and extended family. I have two friends that I have known since school, we have always been at about the same stage in life; worked together as teenagers, went to the same university, lived together and all became teachers. It now seems however that I have become the odd one out. One friend, I think is a bit sad that she has lost her drinking partner and is worried that she won't fit into my new life. The other friend seems to be jealous. (I'm not really sure why). Even though I kinda understand how they feel their lack of support has really upset me. For example not one of them asked me how my scan went until (unknown to me at the time) my partner who knew how upset I was messaged them on fb to ask them to call me.
I know that they have their own lives to get on with but I would like and really need their support right now. We have always been so close but at the moment I feel so alone.
Also over Christmas I told my god brother (who since losing his mum and dad in the same year has become like a brother). His response was "s£!t" and silence. He then decided that after I had spent the whole day cooking and he had done nothing, that it would be a good time to sit me down and tell me that he was very unhappy and couldn't see himself being happy any time soon. He suggested, more than once that I should have an abortion and when i made it clear that was not going to happen he said that it would probably take him 10 years to accept it and be happy. I was so stunned i was rendered speechless! However, I was so upset I sent him a message after Xmas telling him that his reaction was inappropriate and that he would not be welcome around me until he could accept my decision and if it took him 10 years that would be his problem, not mine.
Although I am not married and still live at home, my mum would be living alone and owns a 6 bedroom house and wants us to stay rather than rent somewhere. There is lots of room at home and by staying at home we will be able to afford our own property sooner. On the topic of marriage, I know my partner loves me and I would like to get married, it just hasn't happened yet. Do you think these are the reasons that some people are being so judgmental and nasty?
Why can't people just be happy and supportive of me? Do you think myself and my friends can rebuild our relationship or are things just going to be different from now on?
Any advice or kind words would be much appreciated.
You are 25 not 15. Your mum has loads of room. You are happy she is happy your p is happy. Just loosen your ties with your friends and look for antenatal classes and pre natal classes locally and make a whole new circle of parents to be friends.
Drop your friends a text from time t time but you moving on And they not. Tough for them and sad but you have your life to think about not theirs. Their feelings are their problem stop trying to find the reasons why and focus on you your p and your baby to be.
You are not responsible for their feelings. Only yours. You happy s be happy and find other happy parents to be to make friend's with
Why were you upset about your scan.
I think it will always be hard to be the first person in a friendship group to get pregnant. We're all selfish creatures and it's understandable that your friends' first reactions are to think about what this means for their own lives. Plus they probably don't have a clue what is expected from them, especially as there's no baby yet to coo over. To be honest I wouldn't automatically think to call a friend to ask how their scan went etc.
Your god brother's reaction just sounds totally OTT and I suspect there are other issues there.
I would not expect my friends to remember my scan date, let alone ring me to find out about it afterwards. You are not the first person to be pregnant.
When people react badly to a pregnancy announcement they are usually reacting to something else - their own infertility or loneliness or regrets or whatever.
Your friends may just be feeling old maidish by your announcement. I'm sure they are not being intentionally rude.
Your "godbrother" is a rude arse. It is none of his business. Please do ignore him.
Your mother is reacting perfectly, and good for her. What a peach!
Good luck with your pregnancy.
I'm sure your friends will get used to the idea and be pleased for you. It is still very early days in your pregnancy and they probbly haven't really given it much thought yet. I think maybe you're overthinking things a bit to be honest. Why on earth should anyone other than you and your partner be interested in a scan? I can't remember ever telling any of my friends when I was going for scans for any of my pregnancies. Remember every tiny detail of your pregnancy is fascinating for you, but not for everyone else! Enjoy your pregnancy and chill out a bit!
Your God Brother sounds like a bit of a weirdo!
First of all, congratulations!
I imagine you are feeling extremely let down by the reactions of those around you. This is an exciting time for you and they have reacted in a very selfish way.
I'm not sure about what to say about your god brother. He has been through a lot lately and has become close to you - I guess he doesn't want to lose the support you have given to him when you have the baby and have other things to worry about?
As for your friends, they don't seem like very good friends to me. I'm sure you know that we women are strange creatures, sometimes we just can't help having a little niggling negative feeling when something good happens to a friend. Often not a nasty feeling, just slightly envious I suppose. They might be going through this. Your priorities are going to change - it sounds like the one friend is worried about missing out and as for the other, she just seems selfish.
I can kind of relate to your situation. I told two of my best friends that I was getting married. I'm closer to one than the other, so asked her to be my bridesmaid. Neither ever asked about the plans and the bridesmaid's attitude made making plans a lot harder. Since the wedding (this summer) the only contact with either of them has been a few polite text messages. They just seemed to be jealous, there was no other reason for them behaving the way they did. Its a shame, but now neither of them are in my life. To be honest, I feel better for it. The people I have left truly care about me and I about them.
Its a tough lesson to learn, but if they can't support you and be happy for you at this exciting time, then they are not friends.
I think you perhaps need to make the decision to get rid of them. Obviously if you want this to work out and get back to normal, you are going to have to make a lot of effort - but why should you? It sounds like they don't deserve it!
Hope you sort it out one way or another!
You'll make lots of new friend through your baby anyway. Not all friends move with us through all the different times of our lives. You are moving into motherhood - some of your friends will come with you, some will not. I think that happens to most of us (including me), especially if you are the first in your group to get pregnant. You can join pregnancy groups etc and make new friends so see this as an opportunity to broaden your horizons. Good luck!!
Just wanted to say congratulations OP. Your living arrangements sound great and you will have fantastic support once the nipper comes along. Enjoy it.
I think you are being a little unreasonable regarding the scan date and your friends not remembering - it just probably didn't occur to them that it was something they should be excited about. If you are the first of the group to get pregnant your friends aren't going to know how to react initially. At that age in that situation the same happened in my group of friends - yes we were pleased for her but I think all of us were also either a bit jealous or a bit shocked about the massive change it was going to mean for the group (but very quickly other members of the groups started getting pregnant to - it was almost like someone had to take the first step to give everyone else permission!) - if these women are in similar relationships to yourself it will have suddenly have put their own lives into perspective and they will be experiencing a range of emotions themselves. Is there any chance you are feeling a bit over sensitive due to all the hormones that are flinging their way round your body at the moment?
Now for the worst case scenarios:
1)Perhaps also consider if you have become a pregnancy bore (sorry) and they have lost their wine drinking socialite friend to someone who just wants to talk about scans, babies and pregnancy. If they are feeling jealous/ shocked / unsure then they may find this uncomfortable. One of my friends started trying to throw herself lots of baby showers and talk babies all the time. It became a bit irritating as every conversation became about her and her pregnancy. We were happy for her but she seemed to think that by being pregnant only her views were important.
2) are you sure they like your DP/ don't know something about him that they haven't told you about. Its a long shot but if it is the case it could be that they are 'unhappy' about your pregnancy as they are worried that you will get hurt.
I think that covers the friends - i think the god brother is a different kettle of fish. There must be more to it than that - that is a very strange reaction to have from someone you are close to.
Are you sure he doesn't have feelings for you?
As with worst case scenario 2 with friends - does he not like DP for any reason?
I may be wrong, but the god brother's reaction strikes me as jealousy. Maybe he has previously thought he could get together with the OP?
Thanks a lot for your thoughts and advice.
Friends: Mayb I am being a little over emotional but at the same time, we really used to be so close. Its not like I expected a party but just a quick txt? Also a friend of ours got pregnant at 17 and has gone on to have 4 children and we all checked in on her after her scans and I personally went with her a few times as the father of her child didn't show up. I'm not asking for any more than I would, and have, given. Nonetheless I know I am over emotional so I will try and take that into account, thank you.
God brother: I really am unclear about why he has responded like this. I shall take your comments into consideration.
Thank you for your help. I appreciate having a place to rant.
My friends all texted me about my second scan as they wanted to know what I was having!
You will meet new friends through toddler groups etc so do t worry about it. Your mum has plenty of room. It would be silly to move out if you and DP are both happy there.
If your friends can't be happy for you then they are not friends.
OP Your godbrother is either, in love with you or has a huge crush on you, that reaction was just weird.
Genuine question - what is a god brother as never heard the term before?
Genuine question - what is a god brother as never heard the term before?
Your God brother's reaction is more like that of a (was) hopeful-wannabe-boyfriend.
Congratulations op, to you and your partner.
And your mum sounds lovely, I'm sure she will be a great support to you and it's a great start.
It does sound like a combination of things you have mentioned - jealousy that your life is moving onto a new direction, selfishness that you are changing the status quo.
I don't think these days people fear for unmarried parents do they?
As they are inexperienced you have to draw them into this chapter of your life and make them feel included - think about godparents, ask them to be involved in shopping with you etc.
But if they aren't interested then you have to move on I'm afraid.
Babies are a bit like travel for some people,haven't been there - not interested in your travel snaps iykwim??
First of all congratulations!! You sound like a very mature sensible woman who is entering into this life-changing era with you head screwed on. You have set up a stable environment in which to bring a little baby into the world and it's wonderful that you and your dp are happy and excited.
I think you're friends are perhaps not as mature as you and are thinking quite selfishly (losing a drinking partner, rather than supporting friend bring life into the world). They will either come around as your pregnancy progresses or after the birth or they won't. If not, unfortunately there is little you can do, you may drift apart from those ones but you will meet more ladies at the same stage of life as you who will prove good support and become lifelong friends.
God brother is in love with you and I think you handled him brilliantly.
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