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I've been thinking.

(143 Posts)
FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:02:58

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

Allergictoironing Tue 01-Jan-13 14:07:20

Of course he's pleading & begging - where else will he find a complacent partner who will put up with his emotional abuse and be controlled?

He's spent goodness knows how long making your life pretty miserable, he has earned being kicked out. Ignore his pleading & begging, the same way he ignored your happiness for so long.

Keep re-reading the thread to remind yourself of all the times he's manipulated you in the past in this or similar ways, and how so many posters here have shown you that it's just part of the standard script of an abuser.

he's trying to manipulate you. have you told him that its over? what does he mean he'll keep dc? they are not possessions,.surely you will both continue to parent as before? he's using your dc as another manipulator to control your behavior. I would tell mil pack a bag for him and ask mil to come and get her son. he is not a good father if he's conducting his little drama in front of his children. bastardangry

FrenchRuby Tue 01-Jan-13 14:13:36

He wants to stay tonight I said he could but I'm sleeping on the sofa. He said he doesn't want to show his face at his mums but won't tell me where he'll stay.

tribpot Tue 01-Jan-13 14:43:00

Not your problem where he stays in the short term. You're falling into the trap of making it all about him.

StuffezLaBouche Tue 01-Jan-13 14:51:34

Ohhhh sad
If he stays tonight though what's to stop him staying tomorrow, then the next night, then a week...?

Agree with pregnantpause - pack a bag for him.

Allergictoironing Tue 01-Jan-13 15:12:48

And why wouldn't he want to "show his face at his mum's"? Surely if he's so wonderful & you're being so evil, his own mother would look after him. Ask him again why he couldn't go there, & press him for a real reason - 75% chance he only said that so he could stay with you & worm his way back into your good books.

TweedSlacks Tue 01-Jan-13 15:45:28

Just remind him he was really rather keen to move you all into his Mums house in the near future , and that you've ramped up the timescale to today. The other difference is he's going alone.

If he sticks around clear your browsing history if on P/C or laptop .

Just sounds like a control freak who would have you on a tether if he thought he could get away with it.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 01-Jan-13 16:20:37

Hooray today is the start of the rest of your life.
Well done xxxx
Don't feel shit, your setting him free to find someone who feels as they should for him (and hopefully he can sort his life out).
Stand strong and don't back down you are doing the right thing. If you can avoid it don't let him home as he'll only keep you up all night trying to manipulate you. But obviously this could be unavoidable.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Tue 01-Jan-13 19:43:41

If the tenancy is in your name you can simply put him out in the street. Legally, you can do this. He won't get custody of DC - he doesn't even really want custody of DC, this is just a common abusive-man threat in order to make you stay. Tell him that if he won't leave within a reasonable period (ie 48 hours) you will have the police remove him.
Don't waste another second of your life worrying about his feelings, he has lost any right to sympathy by his mistreatment of you.

You can do it. It will be a difficult few months ahead but the relief and feeling of contentment you will get when you close the door on him will be absolutely worth the difficulty.

I second giving him 24-48 hours to get out and then calling the police if he won't go. Change the locks so at least you can guarantee your space as your own.

Well done. Keep it up.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 10:00:34

How are you this morning, OP?

FrenchRuby Thu 03-Jan-13 10:56:28

I have him another chance. I know that makes me weak or whatever but I thought I'd rather do that than throw 7 years away. I told him exactly what I was feeling. I told him that I will not lose my best friend over his petty jealousy. It seemed to shake him up. He knows that this is the last time I'll be having that conversation, he either changes and it works or he doesn't and he's out. He seems to be being better. I told him that I was going out for a drink with best friend at the end of the month and he was ok with it,not that that matters, I would have gone anyway.
I've told him that when I go to uni he's not allowed to tell me who I can talk to.
I feel much better now.

FrenchRuby Thu 03-Jan-13 10:56:50

I also want to say thanks for all your advice, you really helped me.

tribpot Thu 03-Jan-13 11:01:24

^I have spoken to him so many times about it, always the same answer 'I didn't know I was doing it, I'm sorry' then the same again in a few months.

we've had the same conversations over and over, it changes for maybe a month? And then goes back to before.

My problem is that I will feel so guilty that I'll give him more chances^

You've pretty much predicted how this will go, OP. Your fear of being alone is preventing you from giving yourself a chance.

Best of luck - MN will always be here to listen.

FrenchRuby Thu 03-Jan-13 11:04:08

And I'm ok with that if that does happen. This was the first time he's ever said that if he doesn't change he'll go.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 12:12:13

See you at the end of the month, ruby

FrenchRuby Thu 03-Jan-13 12:37:43

You're probably right but this time is different, I feel different. I don't feel like I've given in, I feel like I've made the rules. If it doesn't change then I know I've tried and that it was never going to work and I'll be ok with it.

StuffezLaBouche Thu 03-Jan-13 12:57:59

You're probably right but this time is different
It makes me sad to read this, but you know we are always here. Please post any time.

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