Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've been thinking.

(143 Posts)
FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:02:58

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

Jemma1111 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:02

He's a control freak that's for sure , life's too short to be unhappy . I couldn't bc with someone like that

Jemma1111 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:26

Be*

TurnipCake Fri 28-Dec-12 17:10:23

He's certainly controlling and manipulative. Lying about taking an OD would have been the final straw for me, to be honest.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:12:39

It nearly split us up, he makes arguing very hard, he breaks down and cries and makes it very difficult for me to not feel guilty if that makes sense?

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Fri 28-Dec-12 17:14:59

That would drive me bonkers.

I am very close to 2 brothers, both of whom are ex-boyfriends (albeit years ago) and both of whom have visited our home, and I've met them for lunch / coffee / shopping / catch up in town etc.

The first time I went for coffee with one of them dh was a bit hmm but on my return, I told him the kind of stuff we'd talked about, related funny stories etc, and dh started laughing and said 'I'm so sorry, you'll think I'm daft but I felt a bit jealous while you were out, but I can see that the way you are behaving and talking is not the behaviour of a scarlet woman after meeting her man, you sound like you've been out for coffee with your brother or something' which is how I think of both of them ( my friends, not dh!) He has never given me problems over it. If he had, he'd have been told it's TOUGH - I will not be dictated to about who I spend time with, I've never given dh any reason to worry, never come home with my knickers on my head and out of breath... Your other half sounds controling, insecure, jealous and petulant, and life is too short! It could be that you can help him over this <hopeful> by asking him exactly what it is he is worried about happening (knickers on head, breathless, etc...) and being very open about it. My dh was embarrassed to admit that just for a few minutes he wondered if I was off getting my end away (ha! fat chance. I'd be a crap scarlet woman, I'd just want to cuddle and watch coronation street, not the most sizzling affair)

I don't think your other half realises how ridiculous he is. And tell him 20 paras will most definitely not do the job!

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 17:15:47

Your h is a selfish and self-entitled controlling arse.

It seems you've got a remarkably low bench mark for what constitutes a 'good husband' and, by default, your low standards no doubt also apply to 'good father'.

When are you going to raise your standards?

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:19:05

I've tried! I've even tried getting him and my friend together but dh won't and tbh I'm a bit glad because I lost one friend because he met her, didn't like her and was very rude to her whenever we all met up (ignoring her, being really blunt and snobby) me and this friend had a minor fall out and I've not spoken to her since because whenever she messages dh is like 'oh you're not going to message her back are you?'

JustFabulous Fri 28-Dec-12 17:20:20

This relationship is not working.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:20:25

He is a good father, there is no doubt about that at all. He shares the parental duties equally, he adores the kids and they adore him. I've never had any issues with his parenting. Just the way he treats me sad

TurnipCake Fri 28-Dec-12 17:22:03

To me, being a good father includes treating the mother of his children with love and respect. Good father and good husband are not mutually exclusive.

tribpot Fri 28-Dec-12 17:22:11

This behaviour is intended to grind you down and stop you from going out.

The accusation of infidelity is intended to grind you down and make you feel like you must have done something wrong, that you need to bring him round somehow.

The fake overdose story is upping the ante.

My boyfriend at university accused me of being unfaithful with no proof. I was devastated. I felt I had 'no choice' but to accept it because I didn't want to break up with him. My friends all cautiously tried to offer the opinion that he needed kicking to the kerb. They were right.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:24:40

There are good days though. But I can't lie and say I haven't had thoughts about leaving, a lot more recently

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 17:26:00

Look love, the vast majority of posters on your other thread said your partner was a controlling twat who was displaying the reddest of red flags (apart from the man-pleasers of course...)

So, now your lightbulb has been well and truly illuminated, what are you going to do about it ? And how will you handle the inevitable barrage of emotional blackmail that will inevitably come your way, if you decide enough is enough ?

You have always fallen for his shit before, so you need to identify what you are going to do differently this time

susanann Fri 28-Dec-12 17:26:39

The thing that screams out to me is his insecurities. Sounds like hes got self esteem issues. Phoning and texting you all the time when youre out must be very annoying. The thing about which bus you are getting is just an excuse to keep tabs on you. He is controlling in a way but I feel its led by his insecurity.
Have you talked to him about his behaviour? Has he been cheated on in the past? Does he realise his behaviour has the potential to drive you away?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 17:27:34

he is systematically cutting you off from your friends (and by association, your support network)

how far are you willing to let him go ?

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:27:51

I don't know. I'll admit I'm not a tough person, I can never make decisions. It's pathetic really. I really don't know what to do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 17:28:37

Well, I can guarantee this.

if you do nothing, this time next year things will be worse not better.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:29:27

I don't think he's ever been cheated on, he's never mentioned it if he has. I have spoken to him so many times about it, always the same answer 'I didn't know I was doing it, I'm sorry' then the same again in a few months.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 28-Dec-12 17:32:45

It's nothing to do with the friend and he KNOWS you've not cheated. He's reacting like this because you are NOT BEING OBEDIENT! You haven't dropped this friend like he would have wanted, so you are undermining and questioning him!
He honestly sounds vile and anyone who pretends to have taken an overdose to get attention is a fucking manipulative idiot.
What actually is keeping you with him? Why do his tears and whining have such an effect on you?

JustFabulous Fri 28-Dec-12 17:32:57

You can make decisions. You decided to date him, have kids with him, live with him. You decided you needed help and posted on here. Just start making some decisions about things that you want and stop pandering to this dickhead.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:34:33

I don't know why I stay. He can be really lovely sometimes (amongst all of the stuff I posted above) and I'm terrified of being alone I think.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 17:34:46

Please disabuse yourself of the notion that this man is a 'good husband' and a 'good father' as he is neither.

The control he is exerting over you will inevitably adversely affect your dc and, in fact, I suspect it has already done so.

What's that saying? Something about there being none so blind as those who will not see? It's time for you to get to Specsavers, honey.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 17:40:14

Oh dear. Not another woman who stays in an unfullilling relationship because 'I don't want to be alone'.

While you've still got the vision to do so, take a look at this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1645601-The-good-things-about-being-single-and-living-alone

mcmooncup Fri 28-Dec-12 17:42:57

What is it that frightens you about being 'alone'?

Has he managed to convince you that you wouldn't be able to cope without him?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now