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What would you say is essential in a good relationship?

(160 Posts)
pleasestopcarolling Thu 27-Dec-12 16:19:30

I' m not looking for perfect just basic essentiais without which you think a relationship wouldn't work.

SummerDad Fri 28-Dec-12 00:34:35

I agree with you Offred and Leuji. As you say it really depends on the person values too,wonderful examples you have given here. I must admit, I am not very adept at picking up the subtle signs. That's why I find it hard work smile

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 00:34:39

Yes, of course.

If doing those things is not easy then it's probably not love.

And selfish self absorbed people are not likely to be good at relationships.

lemontruffles Fri 28-Dec-12 00:41:47

Oo, 3mum, kindness grin

This was almost entirely lacking in my childhood and my first marriage and I can't say how important I believe day to day kindness is. I now have a wonderful abundance of kindness, and feel like I'm surrounded with warmth and love.

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 28-Dec-12 00:49:07

Respect
Honesty
Trust
Faithfulness if at all possible would be good...essential tbh or no reltionship would start...must be pre checked or something confused
and someone you can laugh with, if on same wavelength as me that is.
and some nice sex there too X 3 times per week-ish! sometimes...
No abuse.. I think that comes under respect though confused

<wanders off to knight man on horse again>

grin

pylonic Fri 28-Dec-12 01:00:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasestopcarolling Fri 28-Dec-12 10:18:07

Thanks for all the replies I started this thread to evaluate my own relationship I feel there' s so much wrong I wanted to check the basics to count how many if any I have left in mine.
Faithfulness seems to be all we have left, I agree with the points made that it shouldn't be an effort to ask about the other or think about the other' s needs if a relationship is working then caring and thinking about the other' s needs or feelings should just be there.
There' s more lacking but I think that fundamental kindness and thoughtfulness towards each other is essential in any relationship between anyone I agree with the poster who said self obsessed selfish people don' t make for good relationships, especially if they don' t agree that they are and consider every minor gesture to be a huge concession .

SummerDad Fri 28-Dec-12 10:48:48

I also found this thread quite interesting, a wealth of real information you won't get in all those relationship articles and books. I have bookmarked this thread.

I have been thinking if I am a selfish self absorbed person or is it just lack of communication which leave me exhausted and keep guessing all the time.

Well, it could be the first one, no self centered person would like to think that s/he is self centered though.

SnowProbs Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:05

In no particular order:

Honesty and open communication are absolutely key for me
Allowing each other privacy and time to pursue outside interests and friendships
Sexual attraction - this is more important than I gave it credit for initially in my life
Supporting one another through tough times / nurturing each other

mintyminty Fri 28-Dec-12 14:31:26

I'd agree with most of the items above. A wonderful list, most would also apply to friendships in general.

re: Sex is important yes. But similar sex drives is crucial.

That indeed is critical for a "partner" relationship in the long term. For some couples with no/low sex drive than can be OK for them. But if they are not matched then it result in problems over time, it can start to impact things like spending time for each other, openness, good communication, and so on.

I'd like to add one more item, that is "effort". Nothing is easy. Even when tired/stressed partners need to make a deliberate effort to have time for each other, communicate, etc.

Bonsoir Fri 28-Dec-12 14:34:21

Respect for each other as equals. Constant communication. A desire to find shared goals as well as a joint desire to let one another pursue personal goals. Complementary skills. Understanding that you are on the same team.

christmaspudisnogood Fri 28-Dec-12 15:07:18

I'd like to think/always imagined that marriage was based on
compassion, respect, admiration, loving regard, attraction & shared values.

Oh how my imaginings have been shattered.

Faux compassion, builds-up to knock down again, self-centred, poor at taking repsonsbility, v low sex drive.

I have tried everything, Counselling, Seduction, making his favourite meals, buying him gifts. (most of these in more distant past)

Have told him my fears over the years and he has just buried his head in the sand.

Feel its probably too late now but so scared for our kids.

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 28-Dec-12 15:15:51

Bingo Bonsoir - three pages of posts and yours is the first that mentions equality.

Equality in as many areas as possible and, again, in no particular order:

Love
Kindness
Shared values
Intimacy
Trust
Freedom
Respect
Love for yourself
Awareness of other perspectives
Willing compromise
Patience

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 28-Dec-12 15:17:07

.... did I forget COMMUNICATION

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:40

Communication. Making each other laugh. Sex. Compromise. Tolerance. Standing your ground on important issues. Accepting there will be times when you find DP wildly irritating.

Oh and:

Never finding each other wildly irritating or disliking each other at the same time (advice given to me by a relative to has been married 60 years)

pleasestopcarolling Fri 28-Dec-12 18:31:41

Christmas Pud it sounds like you are where I am I' m just trying to see whether I can reinstate some essentials into my relationship.
Summer dad your POV is really interesting because from my POV my DH is selfish not just failing to second guess me although I' m sure he feels like you. I suppose from a woman' s POV if you tried to put yourself in our shoes, thought about what needed to be done with the DC or the house or took the initiative based on what goes on around you day in day out and didn't always wait for us to do it by default or always take the easiest option or ask for detailed instructions when "helping" out. I know my DH doesn't' t notice most of what goes on around him so is little aware of things that are blindingly obvious to me, I suppose if he was more involved as an equal (I liked that point) in the day to day mundane life that is most of the time family he wouldn't' feel it was so hard to figure out what is to be done and I suppose that goes to paying attention and listening to our likes and dislikes then you won' t be surprised to find out we hate something you have so carefully picked out for us. It is really a listening properly thing we woman aren' t born with an extra gene which makes us just know you' d like a cup of tea or need a bit of time to yourself or a massage we pay enough attention to you enough on a regular basis enough to figure it out.
Not personal to you Summer dad just a few hints I don' t think you can be selfish if you're hanging out on MN hoping to find advice with your relationship. Wish you were my DH wink

fluffyraggies Fri 28-Dec-12 18:44:53

Just asked my DH what would be no.1 on his list and he said "shagging" hmm

Asked what no.2 would be, and he said ... "er shagging!"

sigh

pleasestopcarolling Fri 28-Dec-12 19:06:51

grin at fluffy' s DH

OhEmGee25 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:10:29

Friendship
Laughter
Affection
Showing and telling feelings for each other
Tolerance
Compromise
Fun
Date nights/ time just to be a couple without the kids.

SummerDad Fri 28-Dec-12 20:27:09

christmaspudisnogood I can relate to your post, I have tried all these sweet things in the distant past but none seemed to work. I ended up feeling more and more incapable.

pleasestopcarolling My problem is that I can't multi-task in real terms. Even at work, before starting my day's work, I have to write down all the stuff for the day and I just follow it as an instruction manual for myself. I see other people getting on with their work while responding to emails on the fly but I can't do this. I must admit when I am doing one thing, I am cut off from my environment.

Though I try to follow some basic rules to keep the order at home like I always try to leave a room in a better state as compared to when I entered, never put it down when I can put it away. I genuinely try to be helpful but it is never enough. I would never demand from my partner to be a football freak or to indulge in political discussions with me because I know it will be against her nature. I expect similar courtesy for my efforts too. I have shared this with you perhaps you could relate some of it to your husband. This is just a description of how things are with me, without going into if it is wrong or right, not a justification at all.

SoleSource Fri 28-Dec-12 20:55:21

Hige bank balance and a great big, huge..

Offred Fri 28-Dec-12 20:59:47

Ha! Dh says "trying not to breathe on your partner"

Offred Fri 28-Dec-12 21:00:38

"Making entertaining yawning sounds, bringing wine on demand and getting the curry."

Offred Fri 28-Dec-12 21:01:00

He is quite literal as this describes our evening!!!

MiniLovesMinxPies Fri 28-Dec-12 21:18:37

Tolerance, DP has had to have buckets of it.
Space.....I like lots of it
Share ideas and be prepared to discuss things, have in common beliefs that are compatible on the really big issues, like politics & religion
Not be clingy and needy
Stop pawing at me if I look like I am busy
and be prepared to muck in with the domestic work and share the childcare.

A1980 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:25:25

Emotional availability

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