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What would you say is essential in a good relationship?

(160 Posts)
pleasestopcarolling Thu 27-Dec-12 16:19:30

I' m not looking for perfect just basic essentiais without which you think a relationship wouldn't work.

dondon33 Thu 27-Dec-12 17:26:26

In no particular order:

Attraction
Trust
Communication
Respect
Humour

3mum Thu 27-Dec-12 17:36:49

Kindness.

OverWintered Thu 27-Dec-12 19:28:11

I'm just looking over at DH thinking, ok what's made this work for so many, many years? Respect, Communication, Physical Attraction, similar values but you know I think I agree with a couple of previous posters that kindness is a biggie.... be kind and look for someone who is kind to you and others

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 27-Dec-12 19:31:14

Trust, honesty, kindness, respect, similar values and interests, nice big dick will always help grin

OverWintered Thu 27-Dec-12 19:32:09

I have been sat here drinking bubbly all afternoon, so I am feeling quite gushy and full of love for my "kind" DH..... grin...burp....

Good communication. The ability to talk things through even if you may not agree. <DH currently sulking rather than admitting I'm right to finally ban him from smoking indoors>

SummerDad Thu 27-Dec-12 23:04:40

Interestingly, I don't find a mention of faithfulness while this seems to be one of the main deal breakers in most of the break up threads here.

jessjessjess Thu 27-Dec-12 23:10:08

In no particular order I think a good relationship requires:
Treating each other with respect
Both trying to understand the other's POV even if you don't agree
Both trying to listen even if you don't understand
Generosity, goodwill and kindness towards each other
Laughing together
Same feelings about whether to have kids or not
Mutual physical attraction
Ability to respect and appreciate your differences
Both feeling lucky and like you hit the jackpot by pulling the other

jessjessjess Thu 27-Dec-12 23:10:49

SummerDad I dunno about anyone else but I took the thread to mean what is required in a faithful relationship... As relationship and fidelity are synonymous to me I guess.

noisytoys Thu 27-Dec-12 23:12:18

To me, getting on with the partners family and partner getting on with yours and their family. Family are so important, especially if they don't get on with their own family that is a red flag for me

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Thu 27-Dec-12 23:12:21

SummerDad I think "honesty" has come up a lot. The main deal breaker in most of the break up threads is the dishonesty that accompanies the unfaithfulness. If someone shagged someone else and admitted it straight away, no lying, and wanted to focus and repair their primary relationship, those threads may be very different.

Kindness
Loyalty
Respect
Stuff/views in common
Sense of humour
Similar values
Honesty
Respect
Communication

jessjessjess Thu 27-Dec-12 23:20:04

"To me, getting on with the partners family and partner getting on with yours and their family. Family are so important, especially if they don't get on with their own family that is a red flag for me"

What if they don't get on with their family for perfectly legit reasons? I am estranged from many of my relatives and have a complex and strained relationship with my parents. I would be pretty hacked off if someone judged ME unfavourably because I don't just play happy families with people whose behaviour I cannot control.

I guess you have hit a personal nerve but I think it's a bit narrow minded to judge people on this. Not everyone has a perfect family.

SummerDad Thu 27-Dec-12 23:20:07

Point taken about honesty/faithfulness, sorry I overlooked it smile

Very interesting thread really.

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 23:22:19

Hmm... I suspect different people prioritise different things but, Mutually;

Respect
Honesty
Trust
Intimacy
Compatibility

Individually;

Emotional awareness
Responsibility
Privacy

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 23:23:39

And communication and happiness!

Piemother Thu 27-Dec-12 23:34:51

Real support - as in willingly putting yourself out to care for/listen to/help your partner - not the same as token sporadic support.
Never making the other person feel they are too needy.

Knowing when to let an argument go. Both caring about they others feelings more than winning the argument.

Not getting jealous.
Having normal friends (both parties) who are open minded about new partners and equally supporting of the relationship.

AlwaysWantingMore Thu 27-Dec-12 23:40:15

I think if I was entering a new relationship I would look for someone that made me feel valuable, precious, sexually attractive and like the most important thing in their life. That is sorely missing in my current relationship, and even though it has many other qualities, and many listed here, without the above I don't think it is going to survive.

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 23:40:35

Oo yes real support, yes, v. Important and also actual love.

SummerDad Thu 27-Dec-12 23:47:08

Sounds a lot of hard work for someone who is not gifted with it all grin

1978andallthat Thu 27-Dec-12 23:56:25

Friendship

Being on the same side (different to always agreeing)

Similar approach to moral values eg belief in welfare state

Small kindnesses to each other

Wanting the same from life eg both wanting kids

Make each other laugh

Support each other's successes rather than be jealous.

Anything else a bonus.. Helps if attracted to each other but you know, I think that follows from all of the above.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 00:00:44

SummerDad I think this is all very basic and shouldn't be hard work!

SummerDad Fri 28-Dec-12 00:09:40

jessjessjess

real support
actual love
feel valuable, precious, sexually attractive and like the most important thing in their life.

I am not sure how objectively the above could be defined. To be honest, I have always struggled and failed miserably in the these in my current relationship despite doing all the usual stuff flowers, gifts, house chores etc. I really feel I am not good enough when I come on these points.

Offred Fri 28-Dec-12 00:16:07

Summerdad - usual stuff? :/

That isn't the usual stuff to me!!!

In fact if you do gestures without substance your relationship feels heart achingly empty.

You should not have to work on supporting or loving your partner. If you do you are possibly in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. Or if you feel incapable of giving or feeling love and support for others then you probably need some therapy to work through why that is.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 00:24:24

Summerdad

It's mostly about listening properly, remembering little things, like quirks and preferences. Remember and ask about worries. To be truly interested in how the other person's day went. To pick up on subtle signs. To leave enough space. Respect decisions, but also indecisions.
Just some examples.

It also depends on what the other person values.
For example, I'm not one for gifts, big gestures or big declarations of love.
A loving touch means a lot to me, instead.

Offred Fri 28-Dec-12 00:29:22

But lueji, if you aren't actually interested in the person you claim to love I doubt you love them, you can imitate it by trying hard to make yourself do those things if you don't feel them but it is hard, hard work and likely not to work out long term I think.

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