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piss I've fallen for my partners friend.

(78 Posts)
bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:34:40

I have been with my partner for 8 months we have just moved in together, we had a small house warming, 2 of my friends 2 of his, most fell asleep or left by 2ish but my self and the freond stayed up untill 6. At the end of an amazing 4 hour chat we kissed, I stooped him before anything else happened.
I love my boyf but we have nothing in common and I guess living together has just highlighted this. He is having a hard time of it at the moment and I feel utterly ashamed of my self but I can't help thinking of the friend all the time. I don't know what the vest thing to do for everyone is. I am fully expecting a roasting, maybe I need it, definitely deserve it.
Pardon the typos, I'm using a basic phone

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Sat 29-Dec-12 05:21:01

I think you have some work to do on yourself frankly.

Personally I don't care about your age, I'm also not listening to your protestations - what it says between the lines reads much more clearly.
You can be 15 or 50 and have the wisdom of Solomon (if not the experience) you can be 15 or 50 and be emotionally immature - emotional immaturity doesn't always come as a package either; you may have a solid work head, you may recognise your Bach from your Brahms but you sure as shit haven't made solid relationship choices in the best interests of yourself or your son.

You said your previous relationship was of 6 years duration, you loved 'obsessively' which is a telling word itself and now your actions - not what you are saying but what you have actually done - show an incredible lack of awareness of your self and situation. You moved in after 8 months start to finish, if it was just you then fine it's not the biggest commitmet to leave if it doesn't work. But you have a son, it's not about you any more it's about him - that's the deal when you have kids as you well know. Your bf bears as much of my scorn as he also has a child.
If you were writing this childless my response would be vastly different - it's really no big deal, you won't be the first or last to find out things weren't as you thought they would be.
But this is the honeymoon period and this has happened - it doesn't take a genius to see that this does not have the legs to stagger on. He deserves more - to have someone faithful to him that loves him completely; you deserve more than feeling guilty for behaviours you will assuredly perpetuate and your son deserves more.
You say you know you can make him happy even if you aren't at the moment - you've got your priorities ass backwards and I am confused by your refusal to consider what has been said. You may be 18 or you may be 42 but that doesn't make a jot of difference when you are behaving like a teen. It is your actions that determine life not what you say or think.

You may do well to answer some of the other questions on the thread that deal with introspection - I haven't seen that here, just a lot of wallpapering. You need to look deeper than the superficial feelings of guilt at betrayal - you acted badly, many do - but that isn't the issue here and that's what you need to address.

VBisme Fri 28-Dec-12 16:49:17

I'd guess at her being late teens and the blokes being early 20's.

OhEmGee25 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:11

How old is the OP and both blokes??

something2say Fri 28-Dec-12 12:40:34

It reads to me that the lass had her baby too young and didn't have time to mess about with men working out who she likes and what she is all about. Now she has a baby, it all has to be well thought out but it is not being so.

My advice op is this. Sadly you do have that baby now and you have forfeited your time to muck about with men, at least if you want to live with them. Can you afford the rent on your own? If so, move the man out and get a regularl reciprocal babysitting arrangement. You go out fri, she goes out sat. Use that time to have fun and that way you can keep it away from your son.

Moving in with a man you don't love is a recipe for disaster. Yes there are men who will take care if you etc but you have to love them madly for it to work and they you. Half way isn't going to stick. Don't mess about with people's heads, and yours and your child's.

I think you aren't in love with this man but have let him get too far into your life now and the is going to be fallout when it all comes to light.

If it is a bad job, the best way to sort it is to make an end of it, so the saying goes.

If you can't ask him to leave now, you are going to have to live with a secret for some time. When can you tell him?

HisstletoeAndWhine Fri 28-Dec-12 09:39:50

<pops in from the Stately Homes thread>

<sniggers at the irony>

Making a mistake is forgetting to put sugar in a coffee, forgetting to buy eggs at the supermarket.

It's not sticking your tongue down some random bloke's throat, when your supposed boyf is asleep. It's not teaching your DS that relationships are rushed, poorly thought out, dispensible, and that women are not to be trusted.

No amount of high brow culture will paper over that kind of humiliation. How is all of that preparing him to be a man? You have a massive responsibility here, and you don't seem to get it.

Back to the drawing board OP, end it, and spend some of that Exhibit Time looking at why you value yourself so little, and your DS even less.

You don't know this guy, he could be anyone, he could be harmful to you or your son, but you have no way of knowing if you dive headlong into a relationship without fully observing him for who he is, in all kinds of situations.

qazxc Fri 28-Dec-12 09:20:36

OP there is a saying "relationships are like farts, if you have to force them it's probably shit".
You do sound like you love him but are not in love with him. both of you deserve better or you will end up resenting each other and getting very bitter. It might be awkward splitting up or taking a break now but there wiull never be a good time and it will only get worse.
How do you feel about the friend now? you started the thread saying you had fallen for him and now seem to regard it as a drunken mistake.

Dottiespots Fri 28-Dec-12 02:06:21

why cant i get these bloody smiley things to work ffs

Dottiespots Fri 28-Dec-12 02:05:53

Bristol, we all make mistakes. I doubt that your bf friend wants a relationship with you though, he probably feels bad about what happened. Maybe talk to him and see what he says. If you want to make a go of it with your bf then agree to forget the kiss happened (it was only a drunken kiss after all) and move on. ~But if your not sure then you need to talk to bf and maybe he could move out for now to see how you both feel. Smiley face

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 21:47:15

And I just want to add all people make stupid mistakes, parents included, being a good parent is not about having a high achieving child who has been exposed to culture, it is about being able to recognise what you do well and what you don't and being able to stand up, admit to and right the wrongs you do to your child (we all do) as soon as you realise you have gone wrong.

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 21:16:01

Offred x 2

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 21:10:11

You're getting it the wrong way round. Nurseries shouldn't be relied upon to gauge emotional wellbeing IMHO and going to a whole load of exhibits and having a mother who believes in "sticking at" relationships through tough times and moves him into a home with someone she has only known 8 months and then immediately kisses his friend at the house warming... Ugh, this is a terrible and damaging combination of things for a child, exhibitions for a nursery age child are a bit of a waste of time, you should not have moved him in with this man you barely know, the quicker you put this right the better IMHO. You need to prioritise your son and not trying to stick at this relationship that you have already made a hash of. You've cheated with his close friend, this pretty much ends the relationship whatever you feel doesn't it because there will be fallout and you need it to happen as far away from your son as possible not in his home involving a man he should barely know.

Dottiespots Thu 27-Dec-12 21:01:12

Have you spoken to the other man since this happened and may I ask how old you are.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 20:57:24

* I'm not stereotype tee. mum. I have taken my son to exhibits mist high earning middle class mothers would never dream off*

hmm

JustFabulous Thu 27-Dec-12 20:50:04

hmm.

Taking your child to "exhibits" is irrelevant if his home life is a mess.

You sound very sneery.

Do you want to do the right thing or do you just want a man?

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 20:43:11

You can't say your dc won't suffer: if he becomes more attached to this man - and then bf finds out you're attracted to his mate and it all blows sky-high - or you realise later on you can't go on with it.

The relationships you have affect your ds, especially when you move in together.

This is not a reason to stick it out with this guy - it is a reason to make sure it's right and if it isn't, to get the hell out before you make it worse.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:40:56

Yes this is genuine I have clearly made mistakes but I never set out to hurt anyone

Wheresmypopcorn Thu 27-Dec-12 20:39:02

Is this genuine?

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 20:36:31

You took him to statley homes and you moved him in with a man you barley know, have nothing in common with, cheated on and don't know if you love him.

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 20:33:12

Thing is, you shouldn't be trying to make someone happy at your own expense - and more to the point, your dc's expense. It won't pan out long-term, and the disruption to your dc is worse after a long period with someone in the picture than if you get out sooner.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:28:16

Happy* not shoot, weird

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:27:39

Thankyou lala. I know how unlikely it must seem but I adore my son who has been described in nursery reports as emotionally stable and highly intelligent, I'm not stereotype tee. mum. I have taken my son to exhibits mist high earning middle class mothers would never dream off. He has not and will nit suffer. I don't want to hurt any one, but I know I have been incredibly stupid. And yes my boyf does deserve better. But I can make him shoot even if for the time being I'm not.

Xenia Thu 27-Dec-12 20:04:58

Tell the partner you are not sure the relationship is going to last and then try to help him find somewhere else to live - I presume you can afford the rent on your own.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 27-Dec-12 19:57:41

No but she's got a child?!

lalalonglegs Thu 27-Dec-12 19:56:32

God, the poor woman has only been with her boyfriend for 8 months, they're not married, they haven't got children together, she is (probably) quite young - I don't think snogging his friend is a terrible thing to do whether or not she decides to end her current relationship because of it. It's what an awful lot of us people do in their 20s. I'd be more worried that the OP has moved in with someone that she doesn't feel that much connection with and is now tying herself down because of it.

bristol - you don't deserve a roasting but you do deserve to live with someone you like and have something in common with. It really would be much better if you found your own place to live for your own sake, not your boyfriend's.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 27-Dec-12 19:51:25

OK, so what about, telling DP (?) that you're unsure of how you feel, and see what he says, maybe he could move out and see how it goes then? I think you should be truthful with him, but if you're not going to do that, at least tell him, you are not 'happily loved up in your new love nest' like he thinks you are.
What worries me, is your apparent lack of any real thought to your son in all this?!! You move in with someone after 8 months very quick without children, let alone with, then you get off with a mate of his, in the same house, what would have happened if your BF had woke up? All hell, that's what.
You have a responsibility to your son, to not act like an idiot teenager, show some restraint give yourself time to work out what you want.
Sorry if that seems harsh, but I think you need a kick up the arse.

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