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How would you feel?

(117 Posts)
SimplySad Thu 27-Dec-12 09:37:57

So, last night my partner and I were having sex....TMI alert but I was wanking him off and he was watching some porn (this has never previously been a problem as the following never happened before). The upshot is, he turned the iPad to me and said he liked this girls figure, imagine young slim/skinny women with pert boobs (me = mother of 3 with jelly belly and a stone or two over weight) but he then went on to say that he imagined a family friend would like this naked. Cue me feeling utterly crushed.

I am not daft enough to think that he doesn't ever look at other women but he brought someone from reality into our sex life and although he didn't compare our figures, I now feel like a fat unattractive lump.

Am I over reacting? How do I get past this? I actually feel like our relationship cannot be salvaged from this as I feel pretty worthless to be honest. Other than this our relationship is fine other than trivial niggles.

Help!

digerd Sat 29-Dec-12 18:26:56

No YANBU. He could have just been thoughtless but he must show concern and remorse about having hurt you and not dismiss it as you over-reacting

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 17:14:12

And I have to say that your sad little story has opened my eyes to what some people will put up with for the sake of a relationship. It's all a bit seedy, sordid and sad.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 16:44:43

Good luck with this tomorrow. I am afraid that I would never dream of wanking my husband off whilst he fantasised openly to porn images and about family friends and then compared me to them but maybe that's just me. Nowt so queer as folk as my Dad always says.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 10:45:26

OP, I know you didn't want people to bang on about that particular part of your post because it sounds like you have reconciled yourself to be treated like that. But when I read what you wrote, and your apparent acceptance of it, I felt really really bad for you.

If you have a daughter, how would you feel if she told you all this ? Happy for her ? Would you urge her to stay with a man that can be so unfeeling and objectifying of women (even if it is 1% of the time...I don't believe that if he is "nice" 99% of the time it makes up for his attitude towards you sexually).

It sounds awful...and really I cannot undertsnad why you would tolerate it either. There are plenty of good men out there...ones that won't use you so mechanically and make you feel like shit for it.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 10:29:37

I wouldn't expect you to, OP.

But it sounds like what ever sad experiences you've had, have led to this one......

If it only makes you stop and think about that, I'll be glad.

You're worth more than this, love! Really, you are.

It's just not worth having sex with a bloke who is this disrespectful and treats you like a wanksock with no humanity.

SimplySad Sat 29-Dec-12 10:09:12

I can't really comment on my personal history without outing myself as quite a few things are quite specific.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 02:02:51

God no.....

I don't think anyone should put up with joyless and unsatisfactory sex or rubbish relationships.

But I can see why people are more inclined to, when there are lots of ties that bind, or they've lost their financial independence.

I just don't get why so many women in relatively short-lived relationships have such low standards and expectations.

I'd rather be single than have a sex life that was this impersonal and joyless.

The mind boggles as to why any woman would think this was okay. I keep wondering what happened to this OP to make her feel like this is all she's worth?

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:59:27

my last post was to badinage, mumsnet too quick for me. agree with you anyfucker...totally.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:53:05

true....v. true...but is school of thought REALLY that women who have marriages, kids, houses, years of shared history (not mutually exclusive btw) DO have to put up with such joyless unsatisfactory sex

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:39:07

my last post was to dontyouwantmebaby

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:38:05

chicken and egg, innit

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 01:37:51

OP isn't married to this yucky man tho' is she? She lives with him, doesn't have kids with him, has no financial ties and has only been with him for 3 years. It doesn't sound like a particularly strong connection as they didn't even spend christmas together.

I keep seeing these threads where women seem to feel they have to put up with such joyless and unsatisfactory sex, even when there aren't marriages, kids, houses and years of shared history.

Why??

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:35:40

her need to service him? Or his need for her to service him? very difficult to get back on track when you feel pretty worthless. I'd feel crushed too. I'd leave him to it but easier said than done...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:29:20

from everything the OP has said, it is quite clear that the act of wanking her husband off while he watches porn is not indulging anything of hers, apart from her need to service him

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:26:45

yep, see what you mean about "unfairly comparing him to another man's body when they are allegedly sharing an intimate sex act" " esp as its someone they both know".

Wasn't excusing him from comparing to someone they BOTH know IRL. But was saying maybe just maybe the porn they were sharing was indulging BOTH their fantasies until the twat decided to name-check someone in the real world. Which gives a different level of 'hurt' than commenting on another (unknown, stranger) person's body, no? (rightly or wrongly)...

Startail Sat 29-Dec-12 01:23:20

DH doesn't do porn, but he does occasionally bring actresses and a couple of real life friends into the fantasies .

I don't mind so long as he accepts that I will imagine screwing the nicest Dad from school in exchange along with Rafa Nadal.

I'd add the lad from the off licence, but he's young enough to be my son.
(Actually Rafa is too, just)

YerMaw1989 Sat 29-Dec-12 01:22:14

I think the issue is it is going to be incredibly awkward to ever socialize with that person ever again with her partner present? I mean how would that even work.

In this situation that would bug me the most, how could I socialize with this person again knowing my partner will be undressing her with his eyes. the humiliation of it would be impossible to get over, your partner and you are unlikely to socialise often with jenna jameson for example.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 01:21:36

I'm simply agog that any woman thinks this completely joyless activity passes for an acceptable sex life.

I mean, really?

Wanking a bloke off to porn and you're 'okay' with that?

Why do you find it acceptable to be 'just a hand'? Do you set the bar very low in your relationships OP?

I've just read the thread and even saw you appeased that dick who suggested all would be fine and dandy if you just lost weight..........another bloke therefore who treated your dilemma like shit and you just lapped it up instead of telling him to take a long walk off a short pier. Other posters had to challenge him but you didn't - you actually seemed to think he had a point.

Is this indicative of how you are in relationships with men - that what ever disrespect they show you, you feel you have to be 'cool' with it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:09:10

no, no, no

it would be wrong for OP to comment on another man's body, whne they are allegedly sharing an intimate sex act

especially when it's someone they both know

it would be unfair to do that

oh....

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:05:09

not necessarily...perhaps the porn was about BOTH their fantasies ...until he (hurtfully, distastefully, wrongly, insensitively, twattishly) mentioned someone they both know IRL. Which changes things completely.

As the OP said this is an occasional part of their sex life, but still hurtful when he mentions someone they both know in the real world,esp harder when you don't feel like a goddess yourself after 3+ DCs etc...Poor you OP, please do compare him to someone else with perfect body...see how he likes that! grin

Offred Sat 29-Dec-12 00:51:36

As for c. You have wanked him off to his fantasies about porn though, I don't think he has done the same for you has he? It does rather imply you are ok with it.

Offred Sat 29-Dec-12 00:50:28

Does it make a difference to the point whether it is regularly or occasionally if it has happened more than once?

Porn actresses are most definitely not untouchable. Many prostitutes use porn to advertise. This is an extremely incorrect assumption.

Feelings may not be rational but they can be rationalised and also normally have a base. What you say is the base of these is not a logical explanation.

What is the point in mentioning her body shape if it is not that you feel bad about it and feel like you are being compared and found lacking?

SimplySad Sat 29-Dec-12 00:37:25

SBRIYL, I am not going to end the relationship based on this one event but I do hear you and we will have to see what the outcome of our discussion on this matter is and also talk more openly about sex and our relationship. The proof will be in the pudding as they say.

SimplySad Sat 29-Dec-12 00:33:02

A. He isn't regularly turning away from me, it is occasional (as said numerous times). B. As said previously, I do think porn actresses are 'real people', but like celebreties they are untouchables. C. Of course we find other people attractive and are visually stimulated by them but I have never said I find anyone that we know attractive whilst in the middle of a sexual act. D. I previously said that I had explained my feelings and that you don't understand them; feelings are not necessarily rational, they are based on emotions which at tiems may not be rational thought processes. E. I said that I feel crushed by it, it has hurt my feelings. I never said he should know what the boundaries are but now perhaps we will discuss and set some. F. I don't feel low about how I look, that is your assumption. I said that he said that a particular person had the perfect figure and that he thought a person we know looks like that naked. I said I could do with losing a stone or two but feel healthier being the size I am than when I was slimmer pre-children. G. As aforemetioned, feelings are not necessarily rational. For some reason mentioning the name of a person who we know during a sex act left me cold. Some people get that but you don't.

It is interesting to 'talk' to people who are knowledgeable on issues but the conversation is going round in circles now, thank you for sharing your knowledge on the subject with me. I am sure I will mull things over before he comes home and be more clear about my perspective when we talk.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 00:30:48

"Maybe because it is out of character, this is why I feel like I do about it?"

No, you feel like you do about it because if what it says about his character and what it says about his feelings and respect for you.

Don't ignore what your good sense is telling you.

You were upset enough to need to be away from him for an extended period.

Heed what you are telling yourself about this man who likes to be serviced while he fantasises about women in your social circle.

He thought it was about time to go public with that and humiliate you with your imperfections while you tossed him off to thoughts of your more physically perfect friends.

He now knows you won't accept that level of degradation, so he'll have to make do with using your hand to masturbate while he watches porn and secretly fantasises about what young women of your acquaintances look like naked.

But you can't unknow what he just told you.

You can ignore it and how it makes you feel. Or you can pay attention.

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