Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How would you feel?

(117 Posts)
SimplySad Thu 27-Dec-12 09:37:57

So, last night my partner and I were having sex....TMI alert but I was wanking him off and he was watching some porn (this has never previously been a problem as the following never happened before). The upshot is, he turned the iPad to me and said he liked this girls figure, imagine young slim/skinny women with pert boobs (me = mother of 3 with jelly belly and a stone or two over weight) but he then went on to say that he imagined a family friend would like this naked. Cue me feeling utterly crushed.

I am not daft enough to think that he doesn't ever look at other women but he brought someone from reality into our sex life and although he didn't compare our figures, I now feel like a fat unattractive lump.

Am I over reacting? How do I get past this? I actually feel like our relationship cannot be salvaged from this as I feel pretty worthless to be honest. Other than this our relationship is fine other than trivial niggles.

Help!

YerMaw1989 Sat 29-Dec-12 01:22:14

I think the issue is it is going to be incredibly awkward to ever socialize with that person ever again with her partner present? I mean how would that even work.

In this situation that would bug me the most, how could I socialize with this person again knowing my partner will be undressing her with his eyes. the humiliation of it would be impossible to get over, your partner and you are unlikely to socialise often with jenna jameson for example.

Startail Sat 29-Dec-12 01:23:20

DH doesn't do porn, but he does occasionally bring actresses and a couple of real life friends into the fantasies .

I don't mind so long as he accepts that I will imagine screwing the nicest Dad from school in exchange along with Rafa Nadal.

I'd add the lad from the off licence, but he's young enough to be my son.
(Actually Rafa is too, just)

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:26:45

yep, see what you mean about "unfairly comparing him to another man's body when they are allegedly sharing an intimate sex act" " esp as its someone they both know".

Wasn't excusing him from comparing to someone they BOTH know IRL. But was saying maybe just maybe the porn they were sharing was indulging BOTH their fantasies until the twat decided to name-check someone in the real world. Which gives a different level of 'hurt' than commenting on another (unknown, stranger) person's body, no? (rightly or wrongly)...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:29:20

from everything the OP has said, it is quite clear that the act of wanking her husband off while he watches porn is not indulging anything of hers, apart from her need to service him

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:35:40

her need to service him? Or his need for her to service him? very difficult to get back on track when you feel pretty worthless. I'd feel crushed too. I'd leave him to it but easier said than done...

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 01:37:51

OP isn't married to this yucky man tho' is she? She lives with him, doesn't have kids with him, has no financial ties and has only been with him for 3 years. It doesn't sound like a particularly strong connection as they didn't even spend christmas together.

I keep seeing these threads where women seem to feel they have to put up with such joyless and unsatisfactory sex, even when there aren't marriages, kids, houses and years of shared history.

Why??

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:38:05

chicken and egg, innit

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 01:39:07

my last post was to dontyouwantmebaby

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:53:05

true....v. true...but is school of thought REALLY that women who have marriages, kids, houses, years of shared history (not mutually exclusive btw) DO have to put up with such joyless unsatisfactory sex

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Dec-12 01:59:27

my last post was to badinage, mumsnet too quick for me. agree with you anyfucker...totally.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 02:02:51

God no.....

I don't think anyone should put up with joyless and unsatisfactory sex or rubbish relationships.

But I can see why people are more inclined to, when there are lots of ties that bind, or they've lost their financial independence.

I just don't get why so many women in relatively short-lived relationships have such low standards and expectations.

I'd rather be single than have a sex life that was this impersonal and joyless.

The mind boggles as to why any woman would think this was okay. I keep wondering what happened to this OP to make her feel like this is all she's worth?

SimplySad Sat 29-Dec-12 10:09:12

I can't really comment on my personal history without outing myself as quite a few things are quite specific.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 10:29:37

I wouldn't expect you to, OP.

But it sounds like what ever sad experiences you've had, have led to this one......

If it only makes you stop and think about that, I'll be glad.

You're worth more than this, love! Really, you are.

It's just not worth having sex with a bloke who is this disrespectful and treats you like a wanksock with no humanity.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 10:45:26

OP, I know you didn't want people to bang on about that particular part of your post because it sounds like you have reconciled yourself to be treated like that. But when I read what you wrote, and your apparent acceptance of it, I felt really really bad for you.

If you have a daughter, how would you feel if she told you all this ? Happy for her ? Would you urge her to stay with a man that can be so unfeeling and objectifying of women (even if it is 1% of the time...I don't believe that if he is "nice" 99% of the time it makes up for his attitude towards you sexually).

It sounds awful...and really I cannot undertsnad why you would tolerate it either. There are plenty of good men out there...ones that won't use you so mechanically and make you feel like shit for it.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 16:44:43

Good luck with this tomorrow. I am afraid that I would never dream of wanking my husband off whilst he fantasised openly to porn images and about family friends and then compared me to them but maybe that's just me. Nowt so queer as folk as my Dad always says.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 17:14:12

And I have to say that your sad little story has opened my eyes to what some people will put up with for the sake of a relationship. It's all a bit seedy, sordid and sad.

digerd Sat 29-Dec-12 18:26:56

No YANBU. He could have just been thoughtless but he must show concern and remorse about having hurt you and not dismiss it as you over-reacting

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now