Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I think it's time for me to either shit or get off the pot.(71 Posts)
long term relationship ended in March, very shortly after I met a guy 10 years younger than me, we both wanted different things in the future so we've been fwb since then. He's been an amazing friend to me, got me through some really bad times this year - looked after me when I was recovering from surgery and again when something horrible happened. I would say he's my best friend with absolutely earth shatteringly amazing sex thrown in.
Now, he's told me he loves me. Wants to be with me properly. He's been incredibly generous with gifts and doing lovely things for me over the last few days.
I don't know what to do. I think the world of him, can't imagine him not being in my life, but realistically any relationship we have would have a limited time span - maybe 5-10 years because he might want to have children and I absolutely don't - plus I'm probably too old now anyway at 43. He says none of that matters, we shouldn't over think things and just see how things go?
No I can live with that- if he's from Liverpool that's even better.
So go for it
Crispy - Sorry to be the voice of doom, but I think that being with this guy for 5 years or so would potentially rob you of the opportunity to find someone to be with for the rest of your life.
If you are going to commit to this relationship, at the very least, have an open conversation about the future - will he never have children of his own, what about when you are menopausal and he is merely in his 40s?
Good luck with it all, though
Thanks all of you
Re the children thing - I already have two grown up ones and now I'm enjoying being freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - I was early 20s when I had them. It just feels unfair for me to deprive him of the opportunity, although he says he's not bothered really. He comes from quite a religious/traditional background although he's not like that himself at all.. I think it will be difficult for him to introduce me to his family, not that it matters, I have enough drama with my own family so he's welcome to keep his to himself.
Age gap also doesn't bother me.. he's 3 years older than my previous partner. Odd really how I seem to attract the young ones.
I think I said earlier, when we first met, I was 24 hours out of an 8 year relationship and he was planning to move to a different part of the country, so the plan was just "well we get on really well, lets just have fun while it lasts" but we became really really good friends. He's put himself out to look after me after I had surgery and then again when I was assaulted a few months back, I mean really looked after me, had tears in his eyes when I was suffering. And silly things, like.. the bulb went in the living room light and he brought replacements home unasked.. I've never had that before. Or my car got a flat tyre recently, he sorted it and got it serviced at the same time. I've always had to do all that stuff myself.
Haha.. the night of the MN christmas bash, I got a bit
very drunk and brought home a fellow mn'er with me. She was very impressed that he'd had a takeaway and left me half of everything, not just the bits he liked least. Then when I passed out fell asleep, he made sure she got into a cab home.
He's a very straight talker, if something's bothering him he will say so straight away and we discuss how to put it right, and he expects the same from me, which is a huge change from what I'm used to which was put up or shut up. I like that if he's doing something to piss me off, I can tell him and then I can see over time that he's making an effort to change that aspect of behaviour. He never gives me a hard time if I want to go out although it's rare that he will come with me. He doesn't spend the whole night checking up on me or relentless texting, just a call to check I've arrived safely and then again later to make sure I can get home ok, and never any drama about it afterwards.
Did I mention the amazing sex too? I think after writing everything down I realised I'd be an idiot not to go for it..
Sorry, firstly your thread title made me spit bubbly over the keyboard.
Secondly GO FOR IT, lifes too short,
Lastly if you really don't want him post him to me (sister needs a new man)
Cross posted with you Cote
You've said exactly what I was thinking too. That was kind of one of the things that was bothering me but I dunno. I suppose that's a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. He says now that he's not bothered anymore about having children, I think he had kind of thought it was expected because of his background, not necessarily something he wanted to do. He used to joke that when his future, hypothetical wife would get pregnant he would bugger off and come back when it's all done and delivered and the child can walk and talk.
Sorry for making you waste good bubbly Carrot
And sorry again but he's taken now
<waves at Crispy> I have met the man in question, he is indeed lovely
Cote I agree that Crispy should have the conversation but what about when you are menopausal and he is merely in his 40s? I do hope you don't mean that Crispy will somehow not be up to it? I've done the menopause, nothing has dropped off.
I realize that nothing will drop off. I'm trying to nicely say that one day OP will be a 55 year old woman while her DP will be a 45 year old man. Just ask Demi Moore how that worked out despite her terrific body and diligent beauty programs I'm all for equality and all that, but we all know that we are not equal when it comes to how we age.
A 45 year old man can still have a family, if it didn't work out...
Which I think is unlikely, as he sounds very sorted.
Cote 'trying nicely'? that is disingenuous, you specifically mentioned menopausal as if that was the issue, not the age gap. As OP has already said she does not want more DC anyway, the menopause here is not the issue.
It comes back to the honest conversation with her DP, they would be in a better position than many couples who never had the conversation. Of course, her DP could change his mind at some point, but there are never any guarantees.
Crispy best of luck
Waves to H
What happened to Demi Moore can happen to anyone, even young women. One only has to read the threads on here for examples of that. There are no guarantees that it will work or not which I was over thinking a bit I think. Who knows, in 5 years time I might decide he's too old and trade him in for a younger model ;)
Ffs Helen. OP understood what I meant and I don't feel like arguing with you.
Good luck with it all, Crispy
"He used to joke that when his future, hypothetical wife would get pregnant he would bugger off and come back when it's all done and delivered and the child can walk and talk."
Hmm, some truth in every joke?
crispy it kind of sounds like not a lot would change if you were both in a relationship. It seems you already are
It sounds like he's living with you, or practically living with you, is there for you emotionally etc.
He loves you, you obviously think very highly of him. Bloody go for it!
Fab in his culture that's kind of the norm, he didn't know his own father til he was nearly 7 and his mother when he was 4 - both were in different countries developing their careers. He himself had lived in 6 different countries by the time he was 12. I think babies get left with grandparents while the parents establish themselves somewhere and then come and get them. Doesn't seem ideal to me but he seems ok.
Fobbly, not much really would change, we've sort of been doing the relationship thing without calling it that. He's here probably 3 or 4 times a week which is enough for now I think. He is there for me when I need him, but not in a smothery way and I like it as it is. We'll see.
Hi Crispy - obviously you don't know me but I followed one of your previous posts and remember thinking what a very nice person you sound. This is such a lovely, happy post and I'm soooo glad you're going for it with this guy. He sounds frankly bloody fantastic so good luck - you deserve it x
I am 8 years younger than DW, who was 42 when we met and 43 when we married.
When we got serious (hate that phrase, but it fits), she had exactly the same concerns as you, OP. That one day I would want children, and would therefore want to be with someone younger, with more chance of having them. She thought she was probably too old to have them, and didn't really want them anyway. As it happens, we later found out she can't have them, but we didn't know that at the time.
But I don't want children - some people just don't, and I'm one of them.
However, it is definitely worth finding out if he is thinking of having children or not, so you are right to have some doubts if you haven't yet discussed it. That was the issue over which my first wife and I divorced - she wanted kids, I didn't, and I really wish we had talked about it beforehand. I think we did, but obviously not at sufficient length.
Anyway, it certainly can work out. Have fun
Hey Crispy do you think your doubts about this relationship stem from the outcome of the last one? Reading your posts it seems you met your previous partner when you were 35 and he was just 22. It all went pear-shaped so maybe that's why you felt uncertain about whether this relationship could last?
Agree with others that children is the main issue. My aunt was in a 20 year relationship with someone nearly 20 years younger than her. Sure enough he reached mid 40s and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to have children so left her. He's (apparently) still incredibly fond of her and fortunately was quite a successful businessman so left her well provided for. Luckily my aunt subsequently met a lovely man at her local am-dram group and they've been happily married for about 8 years now.
You lot are so lovely.. thank you so much for the good wishes - it really means a lot.
The age gap isn't really the issue, this guy is more grown up and mature than I am by a long shot. My ex husband was 25 years older than me, then the next one was 13 years younger and now this one is 10 years younger.
I think when the last relationship broke up, I was looking forward to being single for a while, finding out who I am and what makes me tick rather than having been someone's partner/daughter/mum - I've never just been ME. I'm almost embarassed to say that since I was 17 I've never been single for longer than about a month so after being well educated by the threads on here, I wanted some time to fine tune my red flag radar and all that sort of stuff.
But no.. I broke up with the ex on Thursday and met this one on Friday at a colleague's leaving do. Nothing happened, but then a friend arranged for him to be at a pub we were going to the following week - because she knew him and spotted that he liked me. We had a lovely evening together, talking and talking and then he booked us into a hotel because he didn't want me to leave - not for sex but just for company. I didn't want to bring him to my house because the ex was going to be coming to get his stuff and I didn't want there to be any traces of a visitor - there would have been major drama otherwise.
Then I didn't see him for a couple of weeks - needed time to sort out the loose ends with exp etc. After that we saw each other 2-3 times a week or so.. and then various shitty things happened which led to him being massively supportive and kind, we got closer and closer and so here we are.
Deep down I think that's what was bothering me, the fact that I still haven't done the flitty flighty single girl stuff - although I know that's not all it's cracked up to be either.. so I think I've realised I've met someone good and decent, we get on famously and I'd really be a twat to pass that up - whether it lasts a month or 50 years.
That didn't last long.
Nothing very dramatic really, he was here for the whole of the christmas holidays pretty much other than a day when he went to see his family.
He spent most of the time, day and night on the sofa watching football.
I suggested yesterday that we went out for a bit of lunch, he refused to move and we had a bit of an argument about it. I went out myself, needed some groceries etc. Came home and he was gone. Not heard a peep since.
I'm sort of surprised at myself that I'm not upset or anything. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
what a shame... lovely blokes don't just change over night (do they) aren't you tempted to ring him....
Was he cocklodging? I had one of those...
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.