DH drinking too much?

[goandshowdaddy]

Hi,

DH drinks around a bottle of wine a night, sometimes more. I don't know whether it's too much and I'm right to be worried or I'm being over the top. I hate it and am sure it's not normal - is it? Surely it could have long term effects on his health? He's making me doubt myself as he says it's only a bottle of wine, but it's usually wine, then anything else in the house that he can get his hands on. The other day he bought a small bottle of JD (for Christmas) and has drunk it in 2 nights (after a bottle of wine each night). He sometimes buys two bottles of wine (white for me, red for him) but I usually only drink one or two glasses and then go to bed. He will always finish my bottle as well as his, even though I get annoyed about it (not because it's 'my' wine but because I'm worried that he can't seem to stop himself). He has, twice, drunk a special bottle I had been given (champagne given to me as presents) and was saving for a special occasion because he'd started drinking and then not been able to stop himself. I was so angry as I was saving them and all he could say was that he'd replace them (he never did) and what's the big deal. Missing the point.

I don't trust him not to lie about how much he's drinking. He's been working these last few days and said he was going to try to get a hotel as he had late finishes/early starts but now I'm wondering whether he's done it so he can have a drink. Though he does quite often work away so it's not entirely unusual for him to stay overnight.

He is quite often so drunk that he goes to the toilet several times during the night, staggers about and can't find the toilet so I have to wake up and switch the light on so he can find the door. He also coughs a lot when he's had a drink so I quite often have very disturbed sleep.

What can I do? It's making me really angry at him, and worried. But I don't know what to say to him to make him stop. I've actually resorted to hiding my half empty bottles of wine when I go to bed so that he doesn't drink them.

[dequoisagitil]

He may be an alcoholic. You could get in touch with Al-Anon and find out the best strategies and what support you can get for yourself.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

If he can't go one day without a drink then yes he has a problem

My DH used to drink a fair bit when we were first getting together. It took a while to convince him he was having way too much, but eventually I got through after two months when I made it clear I wouldn't be getting into anything serious with someone who was happily chugging their way to alcoholism.

Now we are married and have a little one on the way, and he has a couple at the weekend only

Good luck

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

The Drinkaware website has lots of tools to help you decide if you or someone else is drinking too much..... here. From what you describe he's certainly an alcohol abuser and, if he can't go a day without alcohol, he could be on the way to being dependent.

I'm very sorry for you because, having once lived with an alcohol abuser/heavy drinker/alcoholic the experience is horrible, there is little you can do to actively help and, if he doesn't see it as a problem, he won't do a thing about it.

'LTB' is a little premature but the mistake I made was not putting a split on the table early on, not issuing any threats, and believing (wrongly) that all my ex needed was a little support and motivation. Be prepared.

[Lueji]

From what you say, it seems that he does have an alcohol abuse problem.

It's way too much, he can't stop it and you aren't even sure if you can trust him regarding the amount he drinks.

It seems that the main effect can be on his health (and your wallet).
Most people need to hit rock bottom or have a strong trigger to quit an addiction.
And even so, some can't.

I suppose the only thing you can do is tell him to quit or leave. Better even, to leave until he quits.
It would be an act of love, but quite hard, as it seems that he doesn't even recognise he has a problem.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, does he have a lot of indigestion? I have a stomach ulcer (not from drink!) and find I cough a lot when it's playing up. A friend of mine has a dad who had an ulcer from drinking too much and she said he was the same with the coughing. Just an idea.

[goandshowdaddy]

He's home now, and bought home 4 cans of Stella. He says he's going to detox in January...

I'm not sure about indigestion, Imperial. He does have asthma though, which I think is probably what's causing the coughing.

He does know that he's drinking too much, he's acknowledged it a couple of times and says that he's going to stop but then the next night he brings home another bottle. So maybe he's just saying it to shut me up!

Thanks for the advice. The drinkaware website is good- think I'll show him.

[Fairenuff]

It does sound as if he has a drink problem. For how long has he been drinking a bottle a day? Does he ever have a break from drinking, even for just a few days? He cannot go on like this without risk of serious health problems.

[suburbophobe]

he goes to the toilet several times during the night, staggers about and can't find the toilet so I have to wake up and switch the light on so he can find the door.

And that is called Codependent.

Please google and/also get Melodie Beattie's (sp?) book....

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356297441&sr=1-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[suburbophobe]

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356297441&sr=1-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[suburbophobe]

He says he's going to detox in January..

Oh yes, we all know that one!

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"He says he's going to detox in January..."

He says he'll stop and buys a bottle. He says he'll detox in January... see a pattern here? In your shoes I would go round the house now and round up everything alcoholic, including the cans of Stella if they haven't been drunk already. Obviously tricky with it being Christmas etc. but I think you have to make a stand.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

This is drinking too much. I was drinking that much at some points during my unhappy marriage.

The threshold for liver problems varies between individuals and depends on genotype. Only about a third of people will get cirrhosis from drinking, the rest won't. But cirrhosis is irreversible and half a bottle a night over a long period can be enough to cause it. So this level of consumption might be dangerous. Though I've got a friend whose dh is definitely an alcoholic and drinks shitloads and he recently had liver function tests which were all good; he's obviously one of the two thirds.

But it causes plenty of other health problems - gallstones, pancreatitis, duodenal ulcers...

I knew if I didn't (or couldn't) knock it on the head I'd be screwed, so I stopped. I abstained for six weeks, it was surprisingly easy. Now I can have the odd one and take it or leave it.

But you have to want to stop and think that you have a problem. This is the issue rather than the drinking of itself. And it's really easy to kid yourself because alcohol abuse is so endemic. It's easy to find other people who drink that much too and tell yourself it is OK.

Anyone whose relationship is being damaged by their drinking has an alcohol problem by definition. If he won't accept that he drinks too much, you need to make him see how much he is damaging your marriage. You might have to take quite drastic action.

Agree that helping him find the door in the night isn't helping your cause. Can YOU take it or leave it? If so, you might have to abstain yourself for a bit as well. He is using your drinking wine in the evening as a way of drinking more himself - he knows he can finish 'your' bottle (that he has bought) so it's a backdoor way of buying more for himself.

Christmas isn't the best time to be able to tackle problem drinking, but if you want a Happy New Year you will have to do more yourself to stop this.

Not saying this is your responsibility, but you seem to be enabling him a bit and that doesn't help drive home that his drinking is damaging and unacceptable.

[goandshowdaddy]

OK, I know it sounds like I'm enabling him but actually, when he starts staggering around in the night I usually hiss at him to go to the bloody bathroom ffs. I've only had to switch the light on as a last resort when I thought he was going to wee on the bed (which, thankfully, he's never done). I'm scared he's going to fall down the stairs or something, which is why I wake up when he does.

I'm perfectly able to go without booze and think I am going to have to in order to help him break the cycle. In fact, I certainly drink a lot less now he's drinking more - it just puts me off for some reason.

He can and does go the odd night or two without drinking when I really make him feel guilty (but I think he finds it hard). Another excuse he uses is that he drinks to knock himself out for sleep and if he doesn't drink then it takes him ages to get to sleep.

I think we'll get through Christmas and then I'll do as you suggest tired and CogitO and get rid of all of the alcohol in the house.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Gosh, and there was I commenting on another thread that someone's OH drank a lot when he had (reportedly) a couple of pints a night...

[Fairenuff]

He can and does go the odd night or two without drinking when I really make him feel guilty (but I think he finds it hard). Another excuse he uses is that he drinks to knock himself out for sleep and if he doesn't drink then it takes him ages to get to sleep

These are classic signs of addiction. He is using alcohol to self medicate. It is the first thing he turns to at times of stress. Also, during times of celebration. And there is always something to celebrate or relax to. He will drink because he is tired, bored, anxious, hungry, lonely, happy, whatever.

He will find it very difficult to stop even if he wants to. There is nothing you can do OP. If he is not ready to stop, he won't. He will carry on until something happens to make it not worth it. This will be his rock bottom. Everyones rock bottom is different. You won't know what his is until he gets there. He won't know until he gets there.

The good news is that there is plenty of help out there when he is ready to look for it.

Btw, the alcohol will be causing his sleep problems. If he abstains for a week or two he should find his sleep improves dramatically. But he is unlikely to be able to go that long unless he makes a massive effort and gets some professional support.

[Fairenuff]

Also, getting rid of the alcohol won't make a difference. And it is still enabling.