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DP sleeps too much during the day.

(178 Posts)
Mytimewillcome Sat 22-Dec-12 16:29:36

I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?

duffybeatmetoit Tue 01-Jan-13 14:15:54

My H suffered from sleep apnea in his youth so I always gave him support with his late nights, poor sleep, lie ins and naps and defended him against people calling him lazy. That support stopped when it got more frequent and he wouldn't get help with it. Turned out it was all about detaching from family life which had become unbearable for him.

Needless to say we are now separated and I just feel a mug for having believed in him. Sounds like you are in a similar position.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 13:53:30

*lobe

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 12:00:16

good luck mytime, I think you will need it since he thinks he taught you a lesson with his absence

That does not bode well for the chances of his frontal love transplant lasting more than a week or two

Mytimewillcome Tue 01-Jan-13 10:18:11

Thanks Beryl/AndrewMyrrh. Happy New Year to you as well. Thanks for the advice.

And to you HipHopOpotomus. Sounds like you had a lovely time last night. Its good to be doing stuff instead of seething at the lump asleep upstairs! The boys and I shall be going out to lunch!

AndrewMyrrh Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:09

MyTime,

Happy New Year.

Beryl (my real, non-Xmas NN)

Hi. I don't think he was actively snooping. I just left the pages up on the lap top and if you scroll back a page it was very clear what I was writing. Hard to avoid. I hadn't thought about him using laptop any time soon. That's all. I'd have done the same.

He was very quiet, took some stuff and left. I think it helped for the seriousness of how I feel now hit home.

We just had lovely NY Party with friends. Pretended it was NY midnight at 7pm (for the DC of course grin) and danced and laughed and had lots of fun. Girls crashed tired and happy. Dd1 is worried about her daddy and hopes he is ok.

I feel good. Lighter brighter. No one is going to shout at me anymore. (That feels amazing!). I don't have to find resources to counter the sleepy nap energy drain that ran through life. I'm making plans for the future. It's all making sense now.

Best of luck mytime. I wish we had managed to crack it, but we didn't. The final straw for you may be around the corner, or you could have a problem solved which will be a huge bonus to all of you. Xx

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 20:14:09

And I'm pretty sure he thinks that he is teaching me a lesson for 'bullying' him about his sleeping by staying there on NYE but I am with my children tonight (even though they are asleep now) and he is on his own and there is no place I'd rather be than with my little angels.

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 20:05:06

I could have gone in late for a week as I've got the time off to settle my youngest into nursery but he can't and he can't commute to work from his parents so he has to come back really.

I was the one who told him to leave and he seemed to be a little frightened by it.

The new regime WILL start immediately! I am absolutely adamant he will get one chance only. I've been kicking myself for having married someone who is such a poor role model for my DSs so its not going to take much for me take control of the situation.

BoffinMum Mon 31-Dec-12 17:14:38

My DH lies in bed too much as well, and does the whole hypochondria thing, but he does help a lot too. I think your DH needs frightening into action. I'd throw him out for a bit.

cestlavielife Mon 31-Dec-12 11:18:24

Could you be late for work for a week ? Have him stay away for longer..,Let him realise what he will lose.

Amazing how he has gone from suicidal to changing his daily habits in one swoop.

Ok so Let him really prove himself ....

When is he going to begin his new regime? I hope is today.... Good luck with this . A promise means nothing without action.

(and watch for the promise that lasts a short time before it s just one little nap again.... )

TweedSlacks Mon 31-Dec-12 10:11:20

Sounds like a lack of endorphins to me. 0830 -1630 is not a long working day at all.
Maybe he would benefit from an earlier bedtime ? Ok, so he is a sleepyfuckerlazyarse and has to get his act together
Eat dinner an hour or so earlier?
No alcohol midweek as it effects your sleep paterns
No Coffee after 6pm
Inernets and computers go off at say 10pm.
Bet he is pissing around on a smart phone / laptop whilst " sleeping " downstairs
Buy him some trainers and make him go for a 20 min run
No reason why he should anymore than 8 hrs sleep , maybe 8 1/2 at most , beer during the day ? not anymore matey , move your sleepyfuckerlazyarse and take the kids out.
you are more in control now OP as he is back in YOUR home
hth

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 09:48:28

HipHopOpotomus I would love to know what happened with you after he read your posts.

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 09:34:54

cestlavielife yes you are right he texted me the next day and said that he would stop sleeping during the day and start engaging with the children more. I owe my children one more chance with him. I know that this seems like a stupid thing to do but he is their dad. However one chance is all he has. I'm in a better situation than most women in that I earn quite alot more than he does and I own my own house. But I need to be in a better situation childcarewise and need to position myself better before taking that leap. My older son will be turning 3 soon and so we should get free hours soon and I also need to research nurseries near me. So although he is getting one more chance I am certainly not resting on my laurels and my eyes are very much open.

cestlavielife Mon 31-Dec-12 00:31:38

Well done op . Police every time and show them his texts.

He will prob try the angry bit for few days then as it isnt working he will turn all soft and lovely and apologise and beg to come back that he will change...do be ready for that. Stay firm.

Formalise some contact maybe with his parents ?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:29:58

Op. What do you think you will do about it all?

MushroomSoup Sun 30-Dec-12 23:28:05

Hello Mr Hip. Fancy snooping on Mumsnet at your wife's posts! You could have just asked her how she was doing, but you were probably asleep.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 18:20:16

Farewell hip, onward and upward !

Hey mr hip...fancy a nap now, do you ?

Andcake Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

he's just got home before me and used laptop & read my posts here.
i will have to NC now. dammit I loved this name ......

I feel sad he read the posts, but at least he seems to have finally heard how I feel.

Farewell HipHopOpotomus - loved you!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:18:58

grin

I used to just get on with things in the weekends. I did night wakings. He wld do breakfast while I had a lie in on weekends (just breakfast mind, I never once got up to the dc being dressed or even teeth brushed, just breakfast, tv on, dd2 in high chair both dds in front of tv and he would be sleeping on sofa). I wld get up at 8 or 9 and he wld go straight back to bed. Fair enough for an hour or 2, but no he wld sleep on and on. I got sick of being one to wake him and suffer the consequences (moody resentful angry man child) so we wld just go out.

At first this worked as he wld sleep, then do housework and we wld return home to tidy flat and sometimes cooked dinner. This however changed to sleeping all day, no housework done, no dinner cooked. And he wld still be wearing his "I'm tired how could you do this to me" face!!

He used to drop Dd at school then come home and sleep. Get to work really late. He would NEVER go to bed earlier and wld stay up until silly o'clock watching crap tv. The decision is simple - more Professionals reruns or a proper bedtime and family life? He is on a flexitime scheme so he uses it to - you guessed it- nap.

OMG I never have to look at his ImTiredHowCouldYouDoThisToMe face again. <<< runs around in circles mildly delirious >>>

Thank you both. Strangely this thread really spurred me along, combined with disastrous Xmas and my feverish state a window opened, and I had the courage so I did it.

I feel, mainly relieved and light. He is not my problem anymore. Just need to get him out of here!

Missing my girls like mad - haven't really spent time with them since 25th. I'm still on the mend but much better than I was and I have a really fun day planned for the 3 of us tomorrow.

mytime he would rather drive 4 hours to his parents than get up and do something? He is in serious denial and he is avoiding everything. What are you going to do now?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 10:27:12

HipHop, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

These rubbish men don't deserve these strong women to carry them for one moment longer

Mytimewillcome Sun 30-Dec-12 09:31:48

Needless to say he didn't go through with his threat but I reported it to the police so that should teach him not to send me texts like that. The police came round and I showed them the text. He is at his parents and we are absolutely fine. They contacted him to make sure he was ok. I think he is pretty shocked that I contacted them. He was obviously just trying to scare me. He also accused me of bullying him because I wouldn't let him sleep!

HipHopOpotomus my DP is the same. When he is involved he is amazing but those times are getting fewer and fewer. I hope that things work out for you. Amazing how a thread about someone sleeping too much can turn out?!

I am a very strong person. I/we will be fine. We shall be going to the park today so that my two boys can have a bit of fun.

Thanks for the support everyone. It has clarified things for me.

How are you Mytime?

I've had an eventful 24 hours - I got to sleep very late (about 2am) and then slept, uninterrupted, through to 11am. Hallelujah. First uninterrupted sleep in 2 or more years.

Had a very quiet day as P and DC are staying at his Mum's. Just pottered around, getting good things done in a nice way. Anti-biotics are kicking in and painkillers took care of the rest. Tonsillitis be gone!

Then I phoned to talk to DD's about 4pm - they are having a nice time. P came onto phone and started ranting at me how I had been completely out of order since November, I need to sort my shit out, he's thinking of leaving, Im a mess, a bad mother etc etc (IE IT IS ALL MY FAULT). I replied "well I would prefer to talk about these matters face to face, but as you bring it up, I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, I want to separate asap". He replied spluttering, fine with me. I said great, please lets try and keep things civilised for the DC. And then he hung up!!! I called back and calmly finished what I had to say.

Obviously this has been building up for a long tome now, but family time over the Xmas break has been such a fucking disaster - not ONE meal together!! Can you imagine that? All I really wanted (and I let him know this is what I wanted for Xmas) was to eat one meal together each day. Didn't happen. He didn't even sit down and eat Xmas dinner with his DC and me. Out of all of this came some very clear moments where I saw very very clearly that this was not the life I wanted at all, and I'd spent enough time trying with this person who eventually undermines everything. He great on holidays and when he makes an effort - absolutely fucking fantastic when he wants to be. But actually most of the time he a lazy arse sleepy fucker who undermines me and devalues our family life. It has exhausted and depleted me living in this madness, sadness and badness.

So the DC are staying over tonight too as I have a special ladies lunch tomorrow. SO I have another night on my own. Ive never been apart from either child this long, but I actually quite enjoy it - it's a fast of what every 2nd weekend will be like I guess. And then I have then to myself Monday & Tuesday, when I will be feeling much better, and we will have lots of fun together.

I feel amazing. I feel sad yes. There is a sense of deep loss and sadness that brings me to tears. My family is fundamentally changing and I face life as a FT working single parent of 2 young girls. It's terrifying. But mostly I feel relieved, excited, happy and free.

No doubt there is oodles of shit to come and I bet he thinks he will be gone 2 weeks and then back. But I am going to insist he takes everything. It's all going to work out.

I probably need to start my own thread as I will be needing some support and advice along the way. But essentially this all comes out of living with a sleepy arsed man, who prioritised sleep and napping over family life. I feel so excited about 2013.

THinking about you Mytime and hoping all is well with you. xx

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