My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is my STBH a complete knob?

30 replies

redtulip68 · 21/12/2012 22:50

I think the title says it all! I personally think he is a knob to an extreme degree. I have already written about his behaviours on the thread 'Devistated is an understatement' buthis latest set of behaviours has set an all time low!

On 4.11.2012 I explained that I didnt want him at the house on Christmas morning to spend time with our DC as I didnt think it was a good idea. I offered him the 24th to spend time with the DC which he agreed with, saying he understood how I felt. Which in all honestly was a first. Anyway fast forward to the beginning of December, he saw the children on the new arranged time on once a week as opposed to twice weekly because he was unable to keep to the timetable I set up for him. The following two Saturdays he failed to turn up because 1. he had a cold, 2. he was feeling sick. Both dates were cancelled at the last minute and came with the 'sick' voice. Obviously on both occasions I had to change my own plans and find something for the children to do on both occasions. I wasnt bothered as I enjoy spending time with my children but as I had just came out of hospital following surgery I didn find it difficult.

Call on Monday from him to Dc during which I offered tyhat he have the children on Saturday from 9 to 4pm. His response was he might be busy but would let me know. Tuesday I asked that he let me know asap. Wednesday I ask him what was happening. His repsonse was I want to see the children on Thursday/Friday bnight because I'm going on holiday for Christmas as I'm stressed! Stressed he doesnt understand the word - he doesnt pay then correct amount for his DC, what he does pay I have to ask him for each week, he calls when he feels like it, turns up occasionally etc.

Anyway last night I recieved a call when I returned from work saying 'I'm outside I either see the childfren now ort they dont get any Christmas present.' Being held to randsom I allowed him to see the DC only to be shouted at on the doorstep when I asked him if he was still seeing the children on Saturday. Apparently he says I'm changing my mind all the time, despite the fact he is supposed to see his DC on Saturday! so all in all he isnt seeing the children again until some time in January when he returns from holiday with OW and their dog.

In the meantime he has told our DC that he is about to lose his flat because OW has lost her job, the flat is covered in mould, when he returns from holiday he might have to rent a room in a shared house with OW and their dog...as if I'm really bothered by his woes!

He is Twonk isnt he?

OP posts:
Report
snickers251 · 21/12/2012 23:06

Twonk is a polite word!

Report
redtulip68 · 21/12/2012 23:09

Did I add that its our 10th wedding anniversary tomorrow...no divorce , he wouldnt go to mediation or sign the documents but he had the affair not me!

I was bought up well...I would use some very rude words but that would reduce me to the level of his 59 year old OW, she'sold enough to be my Mother by the way Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Report
Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2012 23:10

So, his shiny new woman can no longer keep him in the style to which etc? Ain't life a bitch.

Report
redtulip68 · 21/12/2012 23:12

He gave up his job to avoid paying for his children. Nice man I dont think. Not very wise for a so called university education man.

OP posts:
Report
Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2012 23:16

If I rightly remember, though, wasn't he always a bit crap in the providing stakes, even before he ran away?

Report
redtulip68 · 21/12/2012 23:18

Yes, in as much as he is self centred.

OP posts:
Report
redtulip68 · 21/12/2012 23:22

I had an op at the end of last month, at no point did he offer to look after his DC nor ask how things went. My parents had the DC but he didnt care about their well being.

In all honestly I'm not that bothered by his actions any more I just find it funny that he gets so cross with me, even when its his own fault. The Dc find his responses hilarious and they are still relatively young. What he is creating will bite him on the arse before he knows it...oh well!

OP posts:
Report
redtulip68 · 22/12/2012 12:20

H knob status I would like you take into account that I have just spent 7 hrs in hospital with ourDD who had breathing difficulties. I called him five times but he didnt answer, then sent a text to which the repsonse was no signal text me. Exactly what I was doing -stupid man. He never once asked how she was but just added that he was five hours away in a flooded area and wasnt coming back. Nice Xmas Angry

OP posts:
Report
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 12:28

Surely there's some way to force through the divorce process? Sounds to me like you need to get this man, if not fully out of your life, at least with his wings well and truly clipped so that the disruption he can cause with things like finance and access to the DCs is kept to a minimum. To answer your question, he is clearly a very bitter and nasty knob and, as such, you can't rely on him to respond the way normal people would to things like a sick child, regular visits, gift-giving etc.

Report
Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2012 12:29

Ach, she's better off without him. Poor DD.

To be fair it might be true about the flooding. He's probably added to it with all his tears of self-pity.

Report
izzyizin · 22/12/2012 14:15

The fact that he wouldn't sign documents or attend mediation shouldn't stop the divorce train in its tracks.

As for child support, have you applied to the CSA?

The trick to dealing with this twunt is for you not to deal with him. Give him a set time to see the dc each week and don't give him the satisfaction of entering into any other negotiation/dialogue/correspondence with him.

Report
redtulip68 · 22/12/2012 14:38

I dont speak to him to tell the truth. he has a set time each week to see the Dc but calls just before with his latest excuse, he gives me a list of woes each time he sees the Dc to which I listen, dont comment then close the door.

CSA - he claims he doesnt have any earnings so the CSA cant force him to pay, he doesnt sign on so no joy there either.

I'm beginning to find his behaviours increasingly funny. He feels the need to get angry, shout and gesture towards me and I say nothing I listen and when there is a break in his whining I simply close the door! The fact that I dont answer back/listen to his comments, then walk away not being bothered by his actions means that he really cant hurt me anymore, despite the fact that he is trying to do so. But bearing in mind he still feels the need to 'attack' obviously means he hasnt moved on as much as he constantly feels the need to tell me.

I hope he took his wellies!

OP posts:
Report
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 14:43

Your resilience and sense of humour in the face of abusive behaviour is admirable but I think it's very serious. I'm particularly concerned that, if you keep having to stonewall, he will escalate the violence in an effort to get a response.

Get hold of your solicitor, explain that he is being abusive and give them the challenge of getting him out of your life. An exclusion order would not be an OTT reaction to his behaviour.

Report
izzyizin · 22/12/2012 14:46

What does he live on? The ow's immoral- earnings? Or does he work in the black untaxed-- economy?

Report
izzyizin · 22/12/2012 14:47

Whoops... strike through fail.

What does he live on? The ow's immoral earnings? Or does he work in the black untaxed economy?

Report
redtulip68 · 22/12/2012 19:17

He has done some cash in hand jobs and sells bikes in newspapers etc so nothing that is really tracible. He is beginning to do some supply work through an agency but apparently not very much. He used to live off her earnings as a cleaner in a hotel but she has now lost her job, apparently they cant afford the one bedroom flat they have been living in and when they come back from holiday, if they dont receive housing benefit they will be moving into a shared house into one bedroom with their dog. He is 45 and she is 59, you share a house when you are a student not OLD!

But you have to remember that 'This is the life I always wanted but you and the children wouldnt let me have' or so he quoted back in August when he had £8k burning a hole in her bank account. Money gone, jobs gone, children gone just a Granny and a dog to keep him warm at night. Now that is funnyXmas Wink

OP posts:
Report
WankinginaWinterWonderland · 22/12/2012 19:23

He is indeed!

Report
Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 21:00

Be careful OP. This is when he will start begging to come back.

Report
redtulip68 · 22/12/2012 22:19

I dont think so. He can never say sorry, ask for help nor can he ever be wrong. So if he were to ever think I'd have him back I firstly would want apologies to my entire family, confirmation that what he has done to my children and I was completely unprovoked and uncalled for then..............I would say thanks for that now sling your hook! He made his bed now he can lie in it or should I say now he can find a cardboad box and lie in that Xmas Grin.

OP posts:
Report
Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 22:34

Doesnt mean he wont try.

He will start by worming his way in and then when you tell him you want apologies etc THEN he will be a bigger prick than ever!

Bless them, they are so sad and predictable!

Buy him one of those 2 ring worktop cooker things for Xmas for his bedsit :o:o

Report
Midwife99 · 23/12/2012 09:04

Hi redtulip - sorry things are no better than they were months ago! Nothing has changed has it? He's still pissing you about!! I don't know what you can do except keep you & DCs safe & happy & ignore him.

Report
redtulip68 · 23/12/2012 09:28

Thanks for the message Midwife. Things have improved slightly in as much as I ignore him as much as possible but he continues to be...please add whatever name you wish to call him!

The fact that things are going down hill fast for him is exactly what he deserves. Of course it could all be a tissue of lies that he is telling the children and me to ensure he remains a topic of conversation. But I'm really hoping that its all going wrong! Is that bad of me?

The DCs are happy and really excited that we have family coming to see them on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day which really is an improvement on previous Christmases where STBXH only wanted to sit in the house on the internet or play at building bikes. The fact that the children never mention him is a little strange and there are times what my DC will say that they thinks we are so much better off without him. Maybe they saw things I never saw...what clever little people they are Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Midwife99 · 23/12/2012 23:55

In answer to your question - yes he is a total knob!!

Report
redtulip68 · 24/12/2012 16:27

Just had a telephone conversation with STBXH. Daughter now has a bacterial lung infection and apparently I'm a bad person because Dead Beat only answers his texts when he feels like it and I'm not keeping him informed of how ill she is. Yes you read that right I'm bad because he cant be bothered to answer his texts. Thats twisted logic for you!

More like he only answers his texts when he is walking the dog and away from OW.

Happy days

OP posts:
Report
redtulip68 · 25/12/2012 18:06
Xmas Smile
OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.