Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

(201 Posts)
dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 09:12:08

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

Anniegetyourgun Fri 21-Dec-12 13:18:30

A stern word here: if he tells you he hasn't passed it, you aren't obliged to keep dating him in sympathy. It was the decent thing not to spoil his chances in the exam by dumping him just before it, but he's taken the bloody thing now, so whatever the result you can leave with a clear conscience.

Really, you give his feelings a lot more respect than he gives yours (which isn't hard).

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 13:34:43

Yes, please don't wait for him to come round to end it. Just do it by phone.

Th "right" thing is to end relationships face to face. But that's when we're talking about normal people!

You're already done that and he hasn't respected it.

Given his ability to manipulate and make you feel guilty, he doesn't deserve to be told face to face, not again.

Please stop wondering whether he's passed or not, it's irrelevant to you and your future without this excuse for a man.

Just call or text, tell him you've had enough and he's to leave you alone.

Don't let him in when he turns up, and call the police if he won't go away.

He sounds just like my ex. He will most likely carry on till you take him back or the police get involved. I've learnt now, better to involve them sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:54:13

thanks everyone, it goes on... he has passed, i am pleased for him, he turned up after to tell me.. i went out with him to lunch (where i was going to tell him on neutral ground ie out of my house) and he was so excited and chatty, i just didnt feel comfortable and could find the right moment... he has gone, but is still expecting me to go out tonight.. Im not thinking the best thing is to go and tell him after a glass of wine and leave later... i am literally bursting to get it out.. i think he might be really shocked...

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:55:36

thanks everyone, it goes on... he has passed, i am pleased for him, he turned up after to tell me.. i went out with him to lunch (where i was going to tell him on neutral ground ie out of my house) and he was so excited and chatty, i just didnt feel comfortable and could find the right moment... he has gone, but is still expecting me to go out tonight.. Im not thinking the best thing is to go and tell him after a glass of wine and leave later... i am literally bursting to get it out.. i think he might be really shocked...

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:56:38

I meant to say, i AM thinking the best way is to go tonight...

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 15:58:27

There isn't a right moment.

Please can I ask, why can't you just tell him by phone?

He will make it really difficult for you when you tell him. It won't be the "right" moment tonight either, you are going to have to do it at the "wrong" time or there will never be a time!

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 15:59:21

While you are still considering his feelings, he will make it very very hard for you.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 16:00:45

its guilt i think... why on earth i am going along with it i dont know.. feels right to tell him to his face... no decisions made yet, i will have to decide in the next hour

Casmama Fri 21-Dec-12 16:06:55

I think you are over thinking things here. Do you imagine it was accidental that he was so happy and chatty that you couldn't get a word in edgewise? After last night?

I think you need to phone him now and break up with him otherwise I predict you will still be together at new year.

He has certainly got you dancing to his tune hasn't he?.

He will not make this easy at all for you; he will likely not let go of you easily and I saw the earlier comments re his ex wife.

As aufaniae stated while you are still considering his feelings he will indeed make this very very hard for you. I am also wondering why you cannot just ring him up and dump him over the phone. It is probably guilt on your part but he in no way feels guilty whatsoever for treating you like he has. He will keep on manipulating you and putting you on the back foot.

I think you will have to go to the police subsequently to enable yourself to be fully rid of him because he won't go quietly. Such men do not let go of their victim easily.

Casmama Fri 21-Dec-12 16:10:16

If you are struggling to get the nerve to do it over the phone you are even less likely to do it tonight when it is face to face and he is all happy and chatty again.
He controls when you see him by just turning up and then controls the mood through his behaviour- you need to take control of the situation and stay strong. He will not allow an opportunity to present itself where you can civilly end the relationship, shake hands and walk away.

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 16:15:45

It is guilt. It's how he manipulates you. He uses your kindness and decency to make you do what he wants.

How about this? If you decide to tell him face to face, you promise yourself that if it doesn't happen tonight, you will break off by phone?

It took me ages to break off with my ex. And when I did he wheedled his way back in. It was such a waste of time.

At this rate, he'll be turning up at your doorstep on Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you to let him in. And if you're not careful, you will let him in because you feel guilty (it's Christmas, right?) and you don't want a scene, and you don't want to call the police on someone on Christmas.

All of that is nonsense though. He has no one at Christmas, because he's an arsehole. If he treated people better he wouldn't be in this situation. It's tough, and it's of his own making.

I'm just worried you will be emotionally blackmailed into not doing it.

raskolnikov Fri 21-Dec-12 16:16:14

Honey, you really have to bite the bullet here. It sounds as if he can win you over easily with a smile and a bit of chat - now he'll be happy as a sandboy cos of his exam and you won't want to spoil it. This can keep going on over and over again until YOU draw a line under it.

You need to act decisively and act now. Please stop putting it off - for the sake of your own wellbeing - you can't keep on being manipulated like this, you'll drown under the weight of it otherwise.

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 16:19:20

I'm not saying I think you should meet him face to face btw.

I think he stopped deserving such treatment the first time you tried to split up with him and he didn't respect your wishes. He doesn't care about what you think or feel, not really! He just wants to possess you.

The nest thing all round would be if you could do it by phone. As Cogito suggested, something along the lines of

"I'm sorry, this isn't working for me anymore, I don't want to see you again". That's all it needs. You don't need to meet him, on a meal you didn't agree on anyway. He's still manipulating you.

You've already told him you're unhappy, he doesn't need any explanation.

Tamoo Fri 21-Dec-12 16:22:17

I agree that you seem to be a bit 'rabbit in the headlights' when you are face to face with this guy. You need to do it over the phone. Also if you go ahead with meeting him tonight he is likely to be instigating plans for Christmas week and you will end up tangled even further with arrangements you feel obliged to go through with. And basically you will have a shitty Christmas. And still need to break up with him.

Come on OP. Imagine the sense of relief you will have afterwards. Phone him, keep it short, block his number, pour yourself a nice drink and have a great evening watching something funny or uplifting and wrapping presents smile

Viviennemary Fri 21-Dec-12 16:28:38

When you first posted I said wait till after Christmas. But reading your other posts I am now agreeing that the sooner the better. And he has passed his exam now so no need to worry about that aspect of things. It is never going to be the right time for a man like this who is determined to manipulate you and make you feel really guilty. I hope you work things out. Nobody should be so controlling.

twentythirteen Fri 21-Dec-12 16:30:47

He might become more clingy the more he feels you backing away so might as well just make a clean break of it. I understand the wish to be nice, but breaking up usually hurts someone, and it isn't really nice being with someone out of pity.

twentythirteen Fri 21-Dec-12 16:32:32

And whether you do it by phone or face to face is up to what you feel able to do really, it's more important to get it done than to push yourself to do it in the best way possible, what's best for each of you might be different.

izzyizin Fri 21-Dec-12 16:36:41

You are still letting him pull your strings and, if you carry on like this, you're going to have his feet under your table this Christmas Day - and many more to come.

Give him a call, tell him it's over and make it clear that, with reference to his remark of last night, if he harasses you he will be getting a visit from the police.

Doha Fri 21-Dec-12 16:41:08

Come on OP you have had plenty good advice on here.

Stop delaying it. There is no way you can end this ace to face as you keep getting drawn back in and he knows this.

A phone call or text is all that is needed then block his number NOW

beckyboo232 Fri 21-Dec-12 17:54:34

Any news? You've had some great Advice here op. I hope you take it, there is no pain free way but sooner rather than later in this case I think.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 18:09:07

Here's how it's going to go unfortunately.....

- You'll meet him later for dinner and he'll be so chatty you won't end it.
- Then you won't want to spoil Christmas
- Then you'll feel bad about him being alone on New Year's Eve
- Then it won't be right to dump him because it's Valentine's Day/his birthday/Easter/the dog's birthday/any day with a 'y' in it....

.... etc.

Mu1berryBush Fri 21-Dec-12 18:15:02

Listen, choose a phrase that can't be argued with. One that is about you not him. eg

I don't want to continue this relationship.
I need to be on my own.

If he argues with you, like you are wrong to say/think that it's all over, repeat it calmly. I am single now.

Cogito is right, it's ok to be concerned about what he wants but you need to prioritise what you want not just equally but above what he wants! otherwise the relationship will go on and on and on and then you'll have valentines....

tribpot Fri 21-Dec-12 18:22:28

You're never going to find a comfortable moment to break up with someone. Swift, brutal, decisive. Just get this done. He's going to cling like a limpet if he suspects you are trying to get rid of him - the 'joke' about the police was designed to make you feel stupid if you did call them "but I was only joking! How could you have taken that seriously" etc etc.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 21-Dec-12 18:32:30

are you one of those OP's that never takes any of the advice they ask for on mumsnet ?

for gods sake, dump this needy fucker and put us all out of our misery

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now