Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

(201 Posts)
dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 09:12:08

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:30:02

There's rarely a good time to end a relationship but IME, the longer you put it off, the worse it gets all round. How to do it... have your exit planned so that you can leave straight away afterwards, tell him it's over firmly but kindly (leaving no ambiguities that might be interpreted as a negotiation point), wish him good luck in the exams and with the access etc. Then go.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 10:23:36

thanks...do i do it today, or do i wait until after the exam tomorrow? so fed up..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:32:20

To be kind, probably best after the exam. But don't linger afterwards.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 11:51:19

ok, so i asked him gently if i could have some time tonight (I am absolutely worn out and desperately need some space) he does not like me having "me time" he would be here 24/7 if he could. He doesnt go out with friends or have any hobbies.. I knew he would take offence and he has. He has said he would have expected more right now.. and "how much time do we have to play with?" I dont understand what he means there? He is so needy and i am exhausted by it, trying to please him at the expense of my own wellbeing and happiness... it isnt how it should be.. I havent got back to him. Surely in an adult relationship, he should understand, I am a single parent, have a household to run a job etc.. exhausted.. little support

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:54:06

I thought you were dumping him. What is this 'time' you're asking for?

dequoisagitil Thu 20-Dec-12 11:54:28

He sounds controlling actually. Someone who doesn't let you have space and who you think won't accept an ending to a relationship? Well-dodgy.

I suggest you don't sugar-coat it too much, just say you want out.

And be prepared to ignore calls/change your number.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 11:58:38

I am ending the relationship... but he has the exam tomorrow and is desperate to come tonight. I actually do need some me time, i dont want to see him tonight and pretend, not sure i am capable and dont want to be pushed into telling him tonight.. He is controlling, i have already been through him turning up/constant texts etc.. stupidly i was taken in by it and had gone back to him :-(

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:00:41

So forget 'kind'. Just call him, tell him it's over and not to bother coming over any more. Switch off phone, don't answer the door, make arrangements to be elsewhere. Let him deal with the aftermath and get through the exam. He's a knob.

lubeybooby Thu 20-Dec-12 12:01:06

God yes. insist on some me time, then wait til the exam is done. Then don't look back.

Don't worry about it being xmas, there will always be something that means it's 'not a good time' like birthdays, bad anniverseries, or any day with a 'y' in it.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:08:10

oh thank you so much :-) Wish you were both "here" to keep me strong. I feel trapped, like there is no way out. I know he is a knob, I know he isnt my responsibility, but i have spent nearly 2 yrs with him, so i care.. have range of emotions..
Exam tomorrow, then his bday, then christmas.. he doesnt have anyone else.. then i ask myself... i wonder why that is? is he latching onto me and my life?
I seriously want out. Absolutely exhausted by him.
So, I wonder how to reply to his text. He has a meal booked for tomorrow (he went ahead and booked without asking me)..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:12:46

Don't reply to the text. Pick up the phone & tell him it's not convenient for him to come over. When he gets pushy or takes offence treat that as your cue to say 'didn't want to do this to you over the phone but it's clear there's no future in the relationship'. Adios

He doesn't have anyone else in his life because he's a knob.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:16:00

BTW.... you may care about him. No law against that. But you need to care about yourself more. You have to be #1 priority in your own life in order to have self-esteem. Constantly putting yourself second or third place just crushes your spirit and makes you feel trapped.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:16:30

so you think i should just do it today then.. cant help but feel it is cruel, however he is sooo pushy, i am finding it hard not to snap. i wont reply to text, but i have a feeling he will turn up tonight regardless :-(

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:18:43

i used to put myself first, i am ground down by him and his needs. My self esteem is low, which is probably why i have continued and not had the strength to get out.. I have put some weight on (not drastic) but i had worked so hard previously to lose it. My confidence is low and I am avoiding people, not going out or wanting to.. (he hates me going out) what more can i say? how on earth can 1 person have this effect?

Tamoo Thu 20-Dec-12 12:20:39

Text him and tell him you can't make the meal but will speak to him on the phone tomorrow after his exam. Ignore his interim attempts at contact and break up with him over the phone when you ring him. (It sounds like he might be the type to talk you round so keep as much distance as you can IMO.) But definitely make a clean break tomorrow otherwise it will drag on over Christmas.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:29:42

I'd do it today and get it over with. Leave it and you'll just fret for a few more days and maybe even lose your nerve entirely. How can one person have such an effect? Emotional bullying, control, psychological abuse, whether it's low-level or more overt saps your confidence over time, makes you doubt yourself and leaves you choosing paths for a quiet life rather than because it's what you want to do.

He hates you going out?.... Dump him and at the same time tell him you're going out. Even if you're not. Exert control. It's your life now.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:38:55

getting texts from him, saying he feels like a friend, he doesnt want to be somebodies [ANGRY] cuddle up in the night... i texted a long reply but have not sent, have deleted it. He said he is questioning my level of care for him... I feel like a mother.. of course i care, but he needs constant counselling.. it is a drain.. especially when he doesnt listen..
Tamoo, I agree, I dont want this to drag on through christmas. Not even for another day really. If he keeps pushing, i will have to do what Cognito says and let him deal with the aftermath

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:41:10

'I don't care for you any more. It's over. You can pick your stuff up at the weekend.'

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:43:10

cognito, thankfully, we dont live together, we dont have a child together, so none of that to deal with. I do have a son, who is young and i do not want him as a role model..

Viviennemary Thu 20-Dec-12 12:49:02

No I don't think it's a good idea to finish things before Christmas. Every Christmas from now on he will associate with this. I think it would be kinder to wait till after Christmas. But that's only my opinion.

jackstini Thu 20-Dec-12 12:50:04

Tell him you are going out tonight and can't see him.
Or maye a white lie and say you/ds are sick.
Pack his stuff.
Meet him at restaurant tomorrow and break up in public where he can't do anything awful.
If you think he won't let you speak your piece, have it in a letter written down and just give it him.
Leave straight away - drive or have a taxi booked.
Has he got keys? Change of locks may be in order.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:30:35

oh dear.. lots of calls/texts etc.. i tried to ignore, but i have replied to one to say i just cant continue like this and i am sorry.. he then goes to a self destruct anger and starts threatening things to make me feel guilty. And it works. I'm ignoring those.. it does feel controlling and makes me feel very one edge.
VM, under normal circumstances and with a less demanding person i would wait, but he is making that impossible for me.. Of course i dont want to hurt him but at the same time, it is effecting my wellbeing.. :-(

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 13:31:19

Threats? What kind of threats? Do you feel in physical danger?

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:33:08

no, not in physical danger.. threats what he would do himself.. eg.. Im going to end up crashing my car.. i dont want to face him or see him. I dont feel i can stand up to him

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now