Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Mixed messages.......going nuts

(327 Posts)
A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:53:08

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages

wwyd?!

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:00

I didn't need to do the rules.....because I didn't need to pretend I was unavailable and play hard to get....I WAS unavailable a lot of the time.

This is why I can't understand it. I went to the gym 3 times a week, saw a friend at least one evening a week, had work functions & drinks a lot of the time. Thru the whole relationship I was out of the house from early morning to often after 9pm. I never once chased him, asked where he was or with whom, demanded he sacrifice his plans for me etc. we were both independent people.

I don't need a book to tell me how not to depend on a guy, I already lived a full life without one. I just got a little concerned when his problems kicked in and I guess he just wanted to deal with it his own way. I think the end bit wad my fault.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 21:28:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:31:17

I know he's not coming back which is why I'm so miserable.

Never mind. did you se my pm angel?

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 21:37:28

Whoops..,no ....sorry....will go now.

FaffTastic Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:51

How are you feeling today A1?

A1980 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:55:50

Still very hurt and heartbroken.

I went swimming today & realised my too tight suit was now too big. I have lost 6kg (over a stone). I look great. nothing like a break up!!

Faf how do you stand the yearning for them. its awful & not getting any better.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 03-Jan-13 01:53:31

A, what do you mean 'non-commital as always' - did he know that you were interested in r-ship? I'm sure he knew, otherwise it would make no sense for you to be heart-broken hmm.
As to the yearning - yes it's hell, happened to me once as badly as this, only time and distraction helps, finding something enjoyable to do. Accept it will hurt as hell, listen to some love songs and cry a bit to get it out of the system but the advice in books is to set a time for it each day rather than try to stop yourself, eventually keep shortening this time slot - it sounds silly but it helps.

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:04:58

I had never ears of these 'rules' before, but just checked thm out.

Seem quite archaic to me, but I did like 'love only those who love you'

How do you stop from loving someone when you realise they don't?

And I am pretty sure the guys play these 'rules' better than anyone, and that's what gets people into these mixed messages problems in the first place.

If only people were just honest and truthful about their feelings from the start and not scared (pointing fingers at the men now)

Dottiespots Thu 03-Jan-13 03:30:41

The Rules might seem old fashioned but just like the book "Hes just not into you".... and many other modern day dating books,they explain where women go wrong and how women stop a relationship in its tracks before it even has a chance to devolope. Not saying they are perfect but you either read the book and "get it" or you dont. Works for some, maybe not for others.

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:49:38

Oh dear: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/?m=1

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:49:50
Dottiespots Thu 03-Jan-13 21:01:02
A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 17:10:09

Dear John email this morning.

Guess.you all.wanna.say I told you so. sad

Anniegetyourgun Sun 06-Jan-13 17:41:06

Actually I think what most people are carefully restraining themselves from saying is "thank goodness the mind games are over, now you can get on with healing". I think in a while, looking back, you'll realise that not knowing what the heck was going on was more painful than knowing it was over. But it still sucks, and you have my sympathy.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 18:15:12

What a cowardly way to end things you would have at least deserved a phone call...hmm
But as Annie says thank Goodness now you can start to grieve properly for the end of the relationship and move on.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:19:41

We spoke yesterday and he wanted to end it but wasn't 100% sure said for the moment he can't see a way forward feeling sick at the thought of never seeing me again.
arranged to meet to discuss (my idea).
Then the email. oh well.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 18:25:04

As l said bloody coward.
Please don't meet up with him now. You have nothing to gain...

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:28:42

He doesn't want to now.

You were right the texts meant nothing...he wanted to be nice.in giving me the gift he already got me for Christmas........shock

Snazzynewyear Sun 06-Jan-13 22:52:35

I think most posters just want you not be be hurting with all this any more. And if he finally makes his mind up then at least you know where you are and as Annie and Doha have said you can grieve and start to move on. He is spineless and you will do better.

WinkyWinkola Sun 06-Jan-13 23:13:25

You know, even if he said yes let's get back together, you'd feel doubt and nervous. He can't pull the rug from under you again.

So, now is your chance to really bloom away from this lily livered specimen. He's been through so much and yet can't give you the respect and time aside from a Dear John? Dearie me. That's lame.

It's time to shrug him off and do your own thing.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:42:07

Snazzy he has made his mind up..he email was very final.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:54:02

Its my fault for flogging a dead horse so long....should have let it go when I had the chance instead of going on a break. it was obvious as you all said that he didn't want me. I have only myself to blame.

Snazzynewyear Mon 07-Jan-13 00:22:27

It's not all your fault. And tbh it doesn't matter. What matters is that you focus on you now instead of him.

A1980 Mon 07-Jan-13 00:28:04

It was mainly my fault towards the end. the early stuff maybe not...

Towards the end he clearly didn't wanna be with me and I should have let it go but I didn't.

A1980 Mon 07-Jan-13 00:33:50

He clearly wanted to break up and I clung on for dear life. it was silly.

I don't know why he kept texting me using my nickname.....it confused me. but the rest was my fault. he wanted ti break up, I should have agree the first time and the next time etc.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now