Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH sees no future for us(47 Posts)
because I'm unemployed and haven't been able to find a job in the past two years. Then he slammed the door and left for work. I'm dreading him coming home now Can you help me get some perspective please.
From his point of view I'm a lazy scrounger who steals his money. He resents me not having a job.
My point of view: I got pregnant whilst still at uni (his idea, I thought more of waiting til I had a job). Had DS three weeks after my finals. We'd just moved so he could start a new job. Before that I was commuting 2 hours each way to uni. Then only 1:45 for the last 2 months. Had DS. Started looking for work. Had a cancer scare so I wasn't looking as actively as I could have been because I wanted to spend as much time as possible with DS. Finally got a crèche place for DS, registered unemployed and got some money this way. Still found nothing, nothing. Rejections were because I had no experience. My advisor wasn't worried and told me something would turn up. In the mean time he put me on a work experience placement (condition of receiving unemployment) which I did 60%. I started to get interviews because I now had some experience. I got offered a job at 100% which I turned down because it was too much. DH then, off his own back, said that even 80% wouldn't be fair on DS and I should look for 60% max. Just as these interviews started to come in DH suggested we try for number 2. In my stupidity I agreed because we'd had problems with trying for DS and I thought it'd take another 2 years. Fell first month.
Then I got a call offering me a job from the previous company who came to me without even advertising the job. I told them I was pg, when baby was due. They told me it was to cover maternity leave, due when my baby was due. They thanked me for being so honest and told me to contact them when I was looking for a job again (I have done, they have no free positions at the moment). DH was furious and told me I shouldn't have told them I was pg. I thought it was dishonest not to, especially as there are a limited of companies in my field in the region.
I'm now looking for work again, but with the worsening economic situation, companies are even less likely to employ part time staff. DH says I'll never get a job because my applications are rubbish and I'm not employable. (That's it, no offer to help because "he's been working all day".)
I'm absolutely fed up. I live in DH's country, so all my applications have to be written in a foreign language (DH's native language) yet if I ask him he tells me there are mistakes, its not written as a native would write it, but won't correct it. Because I don't want to work in the field he works in he says I'll never get a job. Since DS was born (and before) he's done nothing to help in the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He's never done a night shift with the children. Not even when I was doing the placement "because it's a hobby, you're not actually getting a wage for it are you?" and not even when I was puking my guts up every day for 20 weeks. We'd agreed a rota to collect the munchkins from crèche, but he would randomly call up and say he wasn't going to get them (so I would have to leave early and get them). Despite me having a glowing reference from my previous employer it "counts for nothing" because DH reckons he could have done much better if he'd done the job.
This has all come to a head because I asked him to sign a permission slip for DD for crèche. She's just started. He says its a waste of money because I don't have a job, and my unemployment has now stopped as it's been two years since I registered. I can see his point. But we waited one year for a place for DS and I registered DD when I was pregnant, she has a place now at 9 months. If we give up the place there's no point me even looking for a job. (the crèche is means tested, and half is paid by my mum).
How do I deal with this? I did suggest that we wait another 6 months and if I still have nothing, then pull them from the crèche. But he seems to have forgotten this conversation.
Oh crap, that was long. Sorry.
Bloody hell... can't you get out? He sounds like a total money-obsessed knob. You have a perfectly wonderful and worthwhile job and it's called being mother to his two children. You also have a shitty, thankless job which is skivvying around after this abusive man. Can you pack you and the DCs a bag, get to a friend or max out the CCs on a few airline tickets and come home?
He sounds horrible, really contrary and abusive. What did he choose to have kids for when he did if he wasn't prepared for the consequences? He's being a massive idiot.
Nowhere exotic. In Europe! Problem with 'coming home' is that it's not really home anymore. Been away too long.
Why are you with him? He sounds very unsympathetic and, frankly, a bit of a selfish idiot.
Your DH really needs to sort out his attitude or else you seriously need to think about coming "home".
Well coming home sounds better than this. Do you have family here?
Sorry, got distracted. DS got out of bed and refused to go to sleep. So DH gave him the ipad and then sat there for an hour and a half asking him to go to bed and DD is not well.
I don't really have family 'back home' just my parents but they spends half the year somewhere else! No collection of friends either, they are all spread randomly throughout the UK. Plus which I don't think technically kidnapping the kids would be the way forwards.
poor you :-( He sounds horrible, can you leave him?
What the hell does he think is going to happen if you split up?
It sounds like there has been a power imbalance in your relationship for quite some time.
I've had the silent treatment all evening. I tried to tell him about the jobs I've applied to recently, but he didn't want to listen. I also tried to tell him that I got called by an agency today who want to put me forwards for a job. The only problem being that its a 1:40 commute away with three changes and trains every hour. I don't think I can do that and still manage to pick the children up. I asked him what he thought. He just raised his eyebrows and that was it. If I can't rely on him to be willing to help with the crèche run then I can't take it. It would be50%, but I have childcare only on three days and wouldn't be able to drop them and get back within the 10 hour limit and still work the hours. I have to call back tomorrow.
DH has now gone to bed and shut the bedroom door. I'm tempted to go and sleep in DD's room seeing as she's ill.
"From his point of view I'm a lazy scrounger who steals his money. He resents me not having a job."
^ that is bullshit. Everything else you have written clearly shows that he's actually preventing you from getting a job.
From what you have said there is something else going on. He seems to have checked out. He has sabotaged you and continues to do so with childcare and pregnancies. Could there be something else (or someone else) going on?
He is a humungous cock and the fact that he has suggested TTC twice, both times when you were about to get a job, and has sabotaged your efforts to get a job since by his failure to help with applications and childcare, is very telling. He wants to keep you dependent, while simultaneously using it as a reason to be horrible to you. Nice.
He doesn't actually want you to get a job as he enjoys feeling superior to you.
Sympathetic to your situation. You are right - you cannot just "come home" as legally the country you are in is the kids' "habitual residence". You would have to leave, get sole custody, and then apply to the courts to return to UK. Have you thought about doing something from home eg childminding? It sounds like you want to stay in the relationship, but even if you do not, you will have to have an income.
This man is extremely abusive. It may help you to decide what to do if you realise that actually, despite what he says, he doesn't want you to get a job at all. If he did, he would stop sabotaging every attempt you make. He's the one who persuaded you to have children, therefore fucking up your education. He won't help with the applications you make and when you get offered work, he finds fault with it and makes it impossible to take the job. He wants you at home, miserable, submissive and afraid of him.
Go and see a solicitor tomorrow and find out the legal position if you leave him.
I must admit I was beginning to wonder if he wanted me to work, but wondered if I was over thinking things and being paranoid. He's always making comments about how he has to work, I'm on holiday how I should get a job so we're not dependent on him and to take the stress off of him. I really don't know if he has a hidden agenda, just having a stressful time at work. I know he's busy.
The idea of childminding fills me with horror! I'm not cut out to be a sahm. I hate housework and all it entails. I'm sure I don't do the right things with my kids, I'm not very patient, nor am I creative and crafty (as in painting and loo roll building activities!) and we tend just to meet other families rather than do excursions. He says I'm not a good housewife, (this is true, window cleaning and ironing come way down my priority list I'd rather play with the children) and compares to how his mum always had a clean and tidy house. I'm sure she did, but I'm also sure he doesn't remember what it was like when he was 3 (and MIL says it was chaos when DH and BIL were small).
I do want a job. I want to do some brain work, I need to keep up my language knowledge, but I don't want to work full time. I want to use my degree, but not directly if that makes sense, and that is what DH cannot understand.
MIL sounds nice. BTW what is this 'window cleaning' and 'ironing'? Don't recognise these words...
Your H currently has a lot of the power and control in your relationship. He is dictating childcare and TTC and education and housework. Why does he get to make all the decisions? Why is all the burden of the DCs yours?
Just some ideas, could you take the job (if you get it) with the intention if moving closer? It seems you moved originally for the toxicity for your dh's work. If he complains you have the opportunity to suggest he could collect dcs on days you work which might sound better then. Also I'd take the job as it sounds like your relationship is likely to break down and you'll need the independence. I'd tell him that too. If you were separated he'd have to play a bigger role.
You're not over-thinking anything, Snowy. Please listen to SolidGold, she has succinctly described what's going on in your relationship.
He is a classic abuser and you are trapped there, blaming yourself and trying to make everything right.
My suggestion: Go after any job you can practically do. You can change to something better once you are earning money and gaining confidence. This will help you gain perspective, independence, money and (perhaps) friends.
And please follow SG's suggestion- a visit to a solicitor to clarify your position. It's likely you think everything's fine and he's just stressed, but it sounds quite a bit worse than that (sorry).
Get some legal advice pronto
"He is a humungous cock and the fact that he has suggested TTC twice, both times when you were about to get a job, and has sabotaged your efforts to get a job since by his failure to help with applications and childcare, is very telling. He wants to keep you dependent, while simultaneously using it as a reason to be horrible to you. Nice"
^ exactly that.
Please find whatever help you need to get the hell out. Wherever you go, long as it isn't too close to him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.