How can I change/improve this relationship?

[IamtheSILfromHell]

I have NCed as I don't want to make things any worse and am not sure if SIL uses this site.

DH and I have a good relationship, with all the up and downs but generally good, apart from the problems SIL and I have with each other. DH and SIL are reasonably close but unfortunately she and I do not get on and this is causing major friction between DH and I.

Basically, SIL and I just don't like each other and it shows. To be fair, usually we both just try to be civil and polite to each other but, every so often and usually with drinks involved, we have a blow up. We had another slanging match disagreement recently and DH told me this was the last straw and he has completely withdrawn from me. We have been together about 18 years so this is a long-standing problem.

Now, I know this is something SIL and I should try to sort out but I am at a complete loss at how to achieve this. Whenever there is a disagreement (such as the latest one) DH will never, even when it is plainly obvious that I (in this instance) was not being unreasonable, take my side. I know, I know, very childish . Once again, I have had to apologise and listen to a complete character assasination and just accept it for the sake of peace. This has happened many times and, this time, I am just so worn down and sad about it I feel like leaving. Over-reaction I know but I just know this will happen again and again.

I do know I am at fault too and am not just bashing SIL.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can change/improve this relationship and/or my behaviour? Thank you.

[IamtheSILfromHell]

Just to add my NC was what SIL called me this morning .

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Do you have to spend much time in SIL's company? Has DH given his sister the same 'last straw' speech and withdrawn from her? 'Withdrawing' in itself seems like an extreme & rather odd reaction. I don't see why you have to apologise to someone being unreasonable and calling you names just to keep your husband happy. Are there other things wrong in the relationship?

[IamtheSILfromHell]

DH will do just about anything to keep the peace with SIL. He has always been the peace-keeper in the relationships between him, SIL and BIL. BIL and SIL still fight like cat and dog and DH is usually the mediator.

I honestly don't think there are many other problems between DH and I but he has withdrawn. We are being polite but it is just on the surface politeness iyswim. This latest ding-dong is still lurking.

We see SIL every month or so. Most of the time it is fine and nothing happens but every so often there is a big explosion either started by me or SIL.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

So are you saying she bullies your DH? And he's expect you to roll over and let her bully you.... and sending you to Coventry for standing up for yourself? I don't think him trying to enforce his passive coping technique sounds too healthy on the face of it. Especially not the silent treatment.

In your shoes I would space those visits out far more widely through the year. No-one needs to see sisters and brothers monthly. Maybe he could go visit by himself?

[IamtheSILfromHell]

Bloody hell! I really hadn't thought of it like that but I think you are right. I have some more thinking to do.

[Phineyj]

If alcohol makes it worse then you could try to keep that out of the equation.

Bit difficult to know what to suggest as this sounds like a classic personality clash of many years' duration, but I am concerned your DH doesn't take your side. My DSis is often unreasonable and sometimes rude to my DH and I certainly don't expect him to apologise to her! (although I am too cowardly to call her on it).

One idea might be to try to centre family events on a trip or activity, as if sitting round talking creates tension, it minimises that part. It works with my MIL...

[Phineyj]

I agree with Cogito - only go every other visit, if at all. Be very busy with work or whatever. Do you have siblings, by the way, and how do you and DH get on with them? Fortunately to balance my annoying DSis we have annoying DBIL (on other side) so at least DH and I feel there's some balance!

[IamtheSILfromHell]

No siblings on my side, they have both died. My DS's husband is a big part of our lives but DH and BIL get on very well.

I am going to start missing some of the visits and just try to keep away. I do feel sad about DH and SIL, as they are close and I don't want to damage their relationship but I don't want this situation happening again and again, which it has done for years and years.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Are they actually close or does she just scare the crap out of him?

[IamtheSILfromHell]

Now that is the question I will be pondering over!

[EldritchCleavage]

Does your DH not accept that there is a fundamental incompatibility between you and SIL? Because he needs to accept things as they are and find ways to manage the relationship in a mature way just as much as you. No point, for example, in enforcing socialising if you two really don't get along.

He sounds a bit over-involved if he is the mediator in his sister's marriage. That's, shall we say, unusual. Does he lack a balanced perspective where SIL is concerned?

Bottom line though, if she attacks you, you can defend yourself.

[IamtheSILfromHell]

No, sorry, I didn't explain very well. SIL and BIL being siblings (2 brothers, 1 sister) not partners but he does mediate between them.

[EldritchCleavage]

Ah, ok.

He does sound stuck in the 'placate sister' role though. You absolutely don't need to join him there.

What does your BIL say about your relationship with SIL, if anything? If he rows with her, maybe he recognises better why you do too?

[IamtheSILfromHell]

BIL and I get on well and usually the comments are along the lines of "Oh that's SIL" along with rolly eyes.