missing my abusive ex ????

[calamitySammy]

Hey,

I dunno what to do. I'm in bed missing someone that used to abuse me physically and mentally - isnt that kinda messed up??? I feel don't get me wrong I don't want him back by any means I just don't understand why I'm mourning our relationship break down 7 months later. He was so vile post break up that I took an overdose. Is there something wrong with me???

He used to tell me I was fat, disgusting stupied etc, that no one else would want me, locked me in the house and occassionally hit me if I didnt do what he wanted or disagreed with him, he even forced me into aborting our second child by telling me if I didnt have it done at the hospital he'd throw me down the stairs (we lived at the top of a tall block of flats).

Why do I miss him and why do I want him to miss me when I was so desperately unhappy??? I don't know what to do.

[squeakytoy]

You dont miss the real him. You miss what you would have liked and hoped for him to be. You thought that one day he would change, and you are probably still hoping that he could walk back into your life and be that person, but he wont, and never will be.

There is nothing at all wrong with you, it is a natural and normal process and you WILL get past this. Please dont convince yourself that trying to get back with him would make you feel any better, it really wouldnt.

You have got this far... keep going!!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Hello there. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Fucking festive season has a lot to answer for

That man you are missing never really existed, love.

What you need to do is ... nothing

Let time pass, remind yourself of how bad he made you feel and how low he brought you. You know you don't want to go back to that. Fill up your time with friends and family this xmas and take very good care of yourself in lots of little ways. You will get though this. You don't fancy the alternative, do you ?

[Amazoniancracker]

Hello OP. i posted on your thread before it was moved here.

Like I said and i repeat, he Is Not Your Problem Anymore. Miss the arsetoss certainly - all part of getting over him. And the loss of a baby

He won't be missing you...

You have the rest of your life to enjoy. yay!

Fuck him.

Happy Christmas!!

[squeakytoy]

What was last christmas like? I bet it was horrible and I bet you said to yourself that this time next year, you would be out of this... and you are! you have done it, and you are free from someone who treated you horrendously, and would still be doing so if you were still with him.

You deserve more, and you have to tell yourself that.

[izzyizin]

Are you missing the melodrama, the thrill, of not knowing if you were going to get a black eye or a bunch of flowers? Are you missing his cock or that certain way he sneered looked at you before making you do his bidding?

Or are you missing the man you wanted him to be if only ; the man he never could, and never, will be?

[LineRunner]

Like I said on your original post in WWYD, I think it's totally normal for you to be grieving a 'lost future'. It's really tough to know that a man you loved isn't that man after all, but a nightmare.

Really sorry and hang on in there. x

[cafecito]

I have been missing my abusive ex too. You're not crazy. but please don't go there. I had to leave him about a year ago, but I should have left him 5 years ago. he was physically very violent, emotionally and financially abusive. He was utter hell. But recently I have been missing what DS should have, a father, I've been missing someone to come home to, I've been missing, and I've been worrying about him on his own and feeling sorry for him at christmas time on his own. BUT I know he will never change and that I am much happier and healthier away from him. Hang in there, you're doing the right thing

[ladyWordy]

No, I don't think it's messed up. I don't know why it happens either. I only know it's possible to miss someone who treated you badly and want them to miss you too. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it happens.

They are just horrible feelings you have to get through, get over and not indulge (eg by trying to contact the ex. Never. If he's normal you would look like an idiot, if he's abusive you would be an idiot).

Follow AnyF's advice: fill your time with friends and family. It will pass.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Even abusive people are rarely all bad, there will have been a few good times, and as a way of shielding ourselves from harmful memories it's pretty natural to reminisce and selectively forget. Also, you probably spent a lot of the last few years doing exactly what you're doing now.... hoping he would love you, hoping he'd stop torturing you .... and it's tough to get out of the habit.

What I'd suggest is you write down a list of all the horrible things that happened just to remind yourself how bad it was. Then I'd suggest planning some good stuff for the future.... even if it's just going for a coffee with a friend next weekend. Good luck

[Letsmakecookies]

What Cognito said!

[olgaga]

Excellent advice here.

You're missing the good times, missing being part of a couple. You don't miss the physical and sexual abuse. More than anything else, you sound lonely. That will change, give yourself time to heal.

Do you have friends/family in RL? Maybe you moved and feel a bit isolated since the separation?

[Anniegetyourgun]

When you're in a bad relationship, the good bits feel better than they are because of the contrast. So he was sorry he hit you, he came home with a bunch of flowers and you watched your favourite film together and it was all wonderful. Newsflash: a nice man would bring you flowers and watch your favourite film with you without the hitting. Nasty man must really love you because he has sex with you even though you're fat and disgusting. Nice man wants to have sex with you because he wants to get close to you, because he sees you as beautiful and desirable. Does that mean nice man is the selfish one? Don't think so! But because there are fewer lows, the highs don't stand out so much.

It's possible to get addicted to the roller-coaster drama even while hating it. Time will heal, though. Just, for heaven's sake, don't go back for more, or you'll have to start the whole cold turkey thing from the beginning.

[Shoesme]

This is/was like my ex, I don?t think she misses him now but she got with a man who mentally and physically abused her, then things would be fine for a few weeks, then it?d happen again. From my point of view it was really strange, more so because she wasn?t the type to tolerate being treated badly by anyone but she put up with it from this man for around a year. From what other people have said I do they?re correct, she?ll miss the man who he was at the start or who she hoped he?d be and she was lonely.

[calamitySammy]

Thanks guys, just writing about it helps. Its difficult talking to friends and family about it as they focus so much on the bad stuff and don't really accept that I'm mourning also. He was an utter cock but I loved him completely despite that.
I thank god every day that we are no longer together and tho I miss him I have no intention of involving him in our lives at all, watching the children thrive and be at easy in their own space and confident in their own skin is a good enough reason all on its own for me to never contemplate going back to that bastard.
I think your right about Christmas, its our first one without him and I feel a lot of pressure to ensure its a good one as the last few have been dire and completely lacking in any form of cheer.
I think also its coming up to the anniversary of the abortion, I had it in January and I find it difficult to deal with that loss more than anything else. I know it wasn't a miscarriage but I still feel it as a keen loss and I think that more than anything haunts me although I am glad that I haven't subjected another child to what my ex puts my boys through.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advise. I'm very lucky with my friends and family just needed a unbiased forum to vent on. Its not always wise to share how you feel with your loved ones - even if they are great. I don't often get down or drawn into the past like I said a tie between the time of year and loss of the baby.

Happy Christmas everyone.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Happy Xmas to you too

Loss always comes into sharp focus at xmas, and I am sorry about the loss of your potential baby

It certainly seems like you did the right thing, the only thing to do, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier, I guess

[olgaga]

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Sammy, it's loss you're dealing with. I have also found certain times of year hard in that respect, but it gets easier as time goes by.

This was lovely to read though:

watching the children thrive and be at easy in their own space and confident in their own skin is a good enough reason all on its own for me to never contemplate going back to that bastard.

That's what it's all about, and I'm sure you'll have a damn sight better Christmas this year. You just need to pile more happy memories on the bad ones.

[Fuckitthatlldo]

What you're feeling is normal.

Nobody can switch their feelings off like a tap.

You know you did - and continue to do - the right thing for yourself and your family by staying away. But still you are left with all sorts of feelings to deal with. You have my sympathy.

Stay strong. Accept your feelings. Nobody is abusive 100% of the time. You miss the nice parts, you miss the connection. That's ok.

I work in domestic abuse service provision. I understand the conflicted loyalties and feelings that can accompany the most steadfast decision to leave and stay gone.

Take it a day (or even an hour) at a time. Rejoice in your strength. Lots of women (two a week, they are thinking of upping the stats to three) die at the hands of their abusive partners. You didn't die. You are alive. You are free. What price your freedom eh? You might miss him at times, but you now have the opportunity to do whatever you believe to be right and good.

Take it sweetheart.

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

It's the old six month wobble, well seven months in your case. I think it's when the high and relief you go through after separation has worn off a bit and you start to feel a bit lonely, and remembering that there were some good times. Maybe a bit of guilt because you're wrongfully blaming yourself for breaking up the family.*

It's normal, it'll pass. Just don't get back with him because he'll be good for a few weeks and then it'll be back punching you and calling you all sorts of names.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

abusesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html