Am I being stupid, or considerate ?

[Foolagain]

My DP and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for 18 months. he lives with us in what was my house with my 3 kids. His children are older and live independently.

My mother is a widow and lives close. His mother is a widow and also lives close.

My mother does not like my DP (she has never once liked or approved of any man with whom I have had a relationship, this included my now ExH - I am now almost 50) so its nothing to do with him per se. She could probably be polite to him for Christmas Day but he, who is an only child , does not want to leave his mum alone on Xmas day. and my mother could definitely not 'tolerate' another 'grandmother type' person in the house on Christmas day.

So DP and I , who are very happy together, have to spend Christmas Day apart. My mother will come to me, and he will go to his Mum and cok for her. I will have to do all the cooking and clearing up (if he were there we would share it) I have only 2 days off over Christmas and I feel forced to spend it apart form the person I love best because of her (my mothers attitude.

WWYD ? (honestly - bearing in mind that she is mid 70's )

[squeakytoy]

What would I do? I would plate my mother up a xmas dinner and take it to her, and tell her if she was not prepared to be sociable then she wasnt welcome.

[coppertop]

If you spend Christmas apart then you are effectively giving your mother the message that her behaviour is okay and that she takes priority over your dp.

I would let her see that her actions have consequences. If she can't be nice then she spends the day with just her own company.

[UC]

I can understand your DP doesn't want to leave his mother on her own for xmas day. I have presumed that his mother would have no problem coming to yours and sharing xmas day with you and DP, and it is only your mother who has the problem - is that right?

You going to your mothers and cooking for her is enabling her behaviour. You are allowing her to behave like this, and you are going along with it. Your kids are seeing you going along with it too, and they will learn that this is the correct thing to do. They won't learn to stand up to unreasonable behaviour either.

If I were you, I would tell your mother that you and DP want to spend Christmas together, with the children in your own house. Tell her that you have invited his mother for the day and you are inviting her too. Then she can take it or leave it.

Her age is irrelevant. Old people can be nasty, just as young people can. If your mother can't "tolerate" your family, then leave her to it. You may find she changes her tune next year...

[UC]

pretty unanimous...

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

What squeakytoy said!

[squeakytoy]

and mid 70's is nothing, she could be doing this for the next twenty years if you allow it now..

[Phineyj]

Call her bluff. Invite everyone to your house... Maybe your DM will behave better with your DP's DM there. If she throws a sulk you can take a plate of food round like the other posters suggested.

I hate Granny Wars.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I'm with Phineyj. Everyone at your house or nothing. If they want to get childish and petulant about not being #1 Old Lady, if they can't be civil, then it's their loss. Don't be bullied into being apart. Being 70 is irrelevant.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Being 70 is only relevant if she was always a good mum to you but is now suffering from something age-related which has changed her. If, as you imply, she was always a mean cow, now she's just an older mean cow, and yeah, as squeakytoy says, she could (almost certainly will) still be doing this in 20 years' time - when you are the 70-year-old. And a bloody lonely one, if she managed to drive all your partners away.

Be reasonable, but be firm. She may be your mother, but it's not up to her what she "tolerates" in your house.

[Battlefront]

I agree - the one thing you must not do is be apart on Christmas day, that will just prove to your mother that she's right about DP - he put's his mother before you (even though that's what she's asking you to do)

All to yours and I bet she behaves on the day and may even enjoy herself.

[Foolagain]

His mother would come happily to us on Christmas Day,

I know you are right really. I've got used to being bullied into doing what 'she wants' as its less confontational. and DP will respect her wishes, because he was brought up to be respectful to your elders and sighs and says 'its only one day' but it ISNT just ONE day its the principal...

[mollymole]

All at your house, if your mother declines then tough.

[izzyizin]

It is the principle and the spirit of Christmas for folk to show goodwill to others and if they can't put aside their differences for 24 hours, what hope is there for the rest of the year?

I hope you'll act on the excellent advice you've had here to tell your mum that this Christmas you're having a family meal to which she will be more than welcome, but you'll happily drop her lunch/dinner off to her if she wants to stay home alone.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Have his Mum at yours she shouldnt suffer because of your Mum, and when your Mum finds out she is there then she might lighten up if not meals on wheels it is then, only after youve had yours of course.