Is it over?

[Christmas2012]

I will try to keep it brief. I have been with my husband for 17 year (married 12) and we have 6years old daughter. Today we had a massive fight which got physical (throwing stuff etc.) To summarise, I can?t stand the sight of him but somehow I feel week to walk away....because I want my DD to grow up with both parents. Our problems started as soon as we got married - my husband used to help out financially to his parents, sisters and brothers (they are family of 5). It was to such an extent that he put himself into debt which I helped him to clear out 10 years ago. Then our DD was born and I went back to work after 18 months. When I went back to work, after while my husband made me feel really guilty for working, saying stuff like: your job is more important to you that your own daughter etc. (even in front of her). As the time went by I felt like the bad guy for actually working and providing for my family. On top of that, I felt more excluded from my daughter?s life and in my view my husband loved every minute of it. I have voiced my concerns with him and highlighted that his approach is impacting our relationship. We have now reached the following stage:

• For the last six years our marriage was mainly sexless ( I have gone through the cycle of being tolerant, pleading and after giving him an ultimatum actually finding out that I am not interested any longer). His response was that I talk too much and he did not want to communicate.
  
• This left me really lonely and I became dangerously closed to someone in my previous work. As I wanted to give my marriage a proper chance, I cut all the contact with this person.
  
• Subsequently - A cherry on a cake ? finding my husband in my underwear and leaving a movie of himself on our PC ? apparently this was a joke with his friend (did not seem to me like a joke and it left me in utter shock!).
  
• finding out today that he has £8K debt.
  Yet, after all this ? he blames me for not wanting to be intimate and ruining our marriage. We tried counselling but I felt that it wasn?t going anywhere....although we touched on some of our issues I am too ashamed to voice what I have seen on the PC however I feel putting aside any debt/trust issues that I can?t carry on like this to keep it together for my daughter. It does make me feel sad...I can?t imagine telling my friends that we are getting divorce as on the surface we look like a happy family...sorry for the long post...

[izzyizin]

I can?t imagine telling my friends that we are getting divorce So don't tell them. Just go ahead and do it - and do it soon because her parents' toxic marriage is not conducive to your dd's wellbeing.

[EdithWeston]

I think you need to ask yourself which is worse for your DD: to be from a broken home, or to live in one?

You say you feel weak. That's not surprising as you are carrying an unfair weight in your current relationship. Much as you would like a healthy two parent family for your DD (which is an entirely normal thing to want), it is simply not available at present, and a relationship can only be mended if both partners are really committed to it. I see nothing in your post which suggests your DH is remotely interested in so doing.

17 years with him does mean that envisaging life without him sill be hard. But it sounds as if you are doing just that. Whatever you decide to do, I think your first step is to recover your strength and to examine your options. Working on an actual plan to leave might crystallise your thoughts on whether this is the time to really do it.

[izzyizin]

As a btw, I suspect your h may have some deep seated issues that would benefit from exploring his sexuality through counselling.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

this friend he was getting his kit off for online was male, right ?

[Christmas2012]

thank you both for your response. My own parents divorced when I was a child and although I know that it was for the best I wanted so much more for my own DD. I realize that our marriage is toxic and often wonder what example I am setting to my own daughter....

[Christmas2012]

re. kit off for online - to be honest, I don't know - I just saw the movie... and as I was in the shock, initially I just asked why he didn't deleted it?? After I reflected on the incident, my husband didn't want to discuss it anymore...even though I told him that I am very worried. May I also add that he is a muslim (and that sort of behaviour is a big NO, NO in his culture) so I don't foresee an open discussion.......

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You're flogging a very dead, knicker-clad horse. It's incredibly stressful and damaging to be the child of parents that don't like each other. And, even if she is completely unaffected, it's doing your mental well-being and self-esteem no good whatsoever to stay in this situation. One day your DD will be off, away and have a nice family of her own.... she's just at the start of her life. You're in the middle of yours so don't waste it.

[Christmas2012]

To give you an update - h came out earlier today and announced that he went to see his solicitor and to ensure that our divorce go through quickly he stated that I comitted adultery!!! Although I agree that I do not wish to carry on like this I am not prepared to eventually sign something which is not true. My reply to him was that if he is in such a rush to state that he was the one but I am not prepared to do this. He has also agreed to move out asap (how fast that will happen we will have to wait and see) but suprisingly I don't feel very upset but just want this all over.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Definitely don't be steamrollered into doing, signing or saying anything you don't want to do. Get your own solicitor as quickly as possible. You can divorce him relatively quickly on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. There's no way you have to accept fault

[Allergictoironing]

Another warning flag for me was the thing about him not wanting sex for years then insisting that it was you who didn't want to be intimate. Either he's screwing with your brain, or he genuinely believes that - either reason is pretty bad & suggests you and your DD would probably be better off out of there.

Tying that in with him not wanting you to work even though from what you posted it looks like you need the money and he seems rather controlling?

[Anniegetyourgun]

If his ego insists that he must divorce you I'd say take his offer. As you (understandably) don't want to be wrongly accused of adultery, perhaps he will be willing to negotiate some terms you don't mind signing up for. Unreasonable behaviour can be anything which makes living together intolerable for one party; I knew one case where one of the grounds was that the husband was too tidy! Very rarely having sex, not approving of him helping out his family and talking too much, from your OP alone, would get you half-way there. All you have to do is say "well I think that's a bit unfair because... but nevertheless I do not intend to contest it" in your response and Bob's your uncle.

Wondering a bit though whether him threatening to divorce you for adultery is not the opening move in negotiations but a tactic intended to put you back in your box. XH did this and it spectacularly backfired

(Still sniggering over Cogito's "knicker-clad horse".)

[EdithWeston]

Call his bluff? Tell him you will defend a divorce on the grounds of adultery as you have done no such thing, but you will co-operate with divorce on other grounds.

[olgaga]

This is a very difficult situation for you and I can only urge you to get good legal advice asap. You will find this information helpful. Don't sign anything in the meantime.

There is also advice there on domestic violence - please don't take any risks. One thing is for sure, this is not a good environment for your daughter.

[Allergictoironing]

As far as I can tell there's no advantage in citing adultery as the reason for the marriage break up - many MANY years ago they introduced "no fault" divorces which were commonly known as "quickie" divorces i.e. quick & easy without one having to blame the other. So no, citing divorce will not get things through any quicker & easier, but it will allow him to put the blame on you.

Quickest & easiest way would be for both to agree there are un-reconcilable differences, though personally I would say you have a pretty good case of unreasonable behaviour on his part, Maybe he thinks that if you could be blamed as the reason for the break up, he will keep more money and/or be looked on more favorably by the courts?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I thought the advantage of citing adultery or unreasonable behaviour was that you didn't have to be separated a particular length of time?

[olgaga]

No, you don't have to wait 2 years to use unreasonable behaviour as grounds for divorce, only separation.

If he is a Muslim then presumably divorcing OP for adultery is his face-saver, and will damage OP's reputation in the eyes of his family.

I'd see a lawyer PDQ and start the divorce process on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Cross-petitioning (if he proceeds against you on the grounds of adultery, you deny it and petition for unreasonable behaviour) if in the circumstances you felt you needed to to protect your reputation, or that perhaps you would have difficulties over residence/contact is costly, and best avoided.

You have more than enough grounds to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. The lawyers who post here often say that you barely need to give a reason nowadays.

EG this is what a lawyer called Collaborate has to say on the matter:

In my local county court the judges have been told never to refuse a UB petition unless the petitioner is clearly having a laugh. The idea is not to stoke up bitterness and resentment, that then impact upon the kids and makes a financial settlement that much harder.

[ClippedPhoenix]

I'd say that Olgaga has hit the nail on the head here concerning the reason he wants to use adultery.

[Christmas2012]

I suspect that he wants to play the victim in all this and agree with olgaga, he wants to save his face in front of his family. The way things stand at present, all he could say that I focus on my work too much or perhaps I don't clean and cook as much as he would like (had to listen to this since DD was born) but looking at some of the old family photos you could eat off the floor! If I agree to his proposal and with his track record (talking badly about me in front of DD) I am afraid that one day I will have dificulties explaining to my DD that I actually never done it but signed it for the convenience only. I did propose that we start the process on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (but would prefer not to state the 'dealbreaker'). Looking back now, I don't seem to recollect that he ever looked at another women in sexual way and I was stupid enough to think that I was the one for him and he was a good man. BTW, thank you all for your support! My mum lives far away and I don't want to talk to her about all this just before Christmas.