Would you send this "gift" back?

[PITAfamily]

NC, have posted under this before, but only about this subject.

Backstory could take pages so will bullet point the main things, and answer Q's as they come up (although am going out in a mo, so bear with me if I dont get back straight away)

DH has gone NC with his mother and sisters due to their treatment of him and me.

They refused to attend our wedding, mainly because his eldest sister doesnt like me

His mother has been verbally abusive, told the most appalling lies about him to anyone who will listen and still demands her own way.

MIL has demanded that he give up his share in a house he owns with his sister because sister wants to sell it and keep all the equity. He would not receive any money at all for this

Went postal at him when he said (via solicitors) that he couldnt do that because a) it is his only asset (I own the house we live in and for legal reasons, it can only pass to my children not him) and b) it has massive tax implications that he would be liable for

Calls his relatives from his dads side (they divorce 40 years ago) to tell them lies about him and demand that they get him to sign the house over. She has to call them as he changed his number and wont answer her emails or letters, all of which have been abusive in some way.

She actively supported his 30 something son in a campaign against me that culminated in him being arrested for harrassment after he made threats to kill me and my then unborn child.

So, not nice people.

The last contact was when she rang one of his paternal relatives, didnt get the answer she wanted and slammed the phone down, this was last week. Yesterday we got a christmas card. Well I say "we". It was to him, with a large sum of money in it. There was an envelope with another large sum of money in it saying "For X" underlined twice, meaning our child. We have 7 between us, his estranged adult son, my 5 and one together. No mention of me or the other kids. She has never seen our child as she refuses to visit my home and says that he should take the child to her. Over my dead body (and his, he wont go there ever again he says).

I think it is manipulative because she is trying to get him to sign this house over, and while I know she doesnt have to buy my kids anything for Xmas (she hasnt been in touch for the last 3!), I didnt appreciate the way she did this.

I would rather send it back but he says that whatever he does she will accuse him of being in the wrong, so he is keeping it. I feel that keeping it sends the message that it is ok to do this, and that it keeps the door open for further attempts to manipulate him

[ReallyNotTotallyStupidPromise]

I'm with him.

Keep the money.

Keep the share in the house.

Ignore them all.

Put the money in a savings account and leave it there for now.

Sending the money back is allowing her to initiate contact - just ignore it as if it never happened.

[DeckSwabber]

The money is for X, so not yours to return. Put it aside for X. Simples.

[Hassled]

Ok so she's an evil, awful witch and I'm glad he's stopped contact etc BUT you seem to be implying the cheque for X should be for all 7 children. I don't understand why the estranged son was left out, but I can understand why your 5 were left out - they're not her grandchildren. My ILs won't leave anything to the children of my first marriage - why should they? They buy them presents and are kind to them, but I would never expect a lump sum like that. Put the money for X in a savings account.

[Mollydoggerson]

I'ld keep it, lodge it in post office/acount for the child. Then forget about it. No thank you card etc. Let her wonder did ye ever get it or did it get lost in the post.

[MatureUniStudent]

Keep the money. Sending it back allows her further maniputlation and "hurt" at your refusal to take money for X from her. Keep it and continue to have nothing to do with her and have a jolly good xmas.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Put it in an account for X.

[BettySuarez]

Keep the share in the house - under no circumstances give in on this

Put money in savings account

Move to a different part of the country and keep all communication through your solicitor only?

[nickelbabylyinginamanger]

yup.
keep the money for x. let dh keep his.
ignore

and don't send a thank you.

they cannot use the money as a way to get the house equity.
the law would be on your dh's side- a gift is a gift is a gift. accepting one does not bind you to anything.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Keep the money, it is 'Xs' money, let them both keep it, but don't let this sway you, it's a bargaining tool.
Also don't reply or say thankyou, they are toxic-no response is best.

[CreepyLittleBat]

I would be sending it back in a brown envelope, second class, no message. They are trying to get a response, either that or look generous on paper, so they can 'prove' they were in the right at some later date. I would be highly suspicious. Is that just me? Incidentally I think it sucks to send a gift to one child in a family and not the others, regardless of parentage.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

I would send it back.

I would rather be slagged off for rejecting money than slagged off because 'well, they won't talk to us but they broke their necks to cash our cheque...'

If they want to give money to the child, they can open an account and when the child is 18, they can make their own choice.

[Lueji]

It's for the child, so I'd put it in a savings account for him.

If he's old enough he could write a thank you.

And definitely keep the equity.

In fact, your oh can tell them to stop contacting him and if they keep pestering him, report for harassment.

[PITAfamily]

I should have said that she sent it recorded delivery, presumably so she know he got it

I dont expect her to buy gifts for my other children, not at all, and I wouldnt have given it a thought but for the fact that she made the point of it being purely for X. She has a big thing about "blood" relatives, despite treating her son like shit and expecting her ex MIL (of 40 years) to leave her a big fat inheritance! She actually said to her ex MIL (DH's granny) that she expected to be in her will for "a tleast ten thousand" !

[PITAfamily]

I would rather be slagged off for rejecting money than slagged off because 'well, they won't talk to us but they broke their necks to cash our cheque...'

That is almost word for word how I feel about it, but I think that I should leave it to DH to decide as it is his family.

They are trying to get a response, either that or look generous on paper, so they can 'prove' they were in the right at some later date

That is slightly spooky! I said to him that I thought that they were doing this so that he would immediately be the bad guy. If he keeps it then he is a money grabbing bastard and if he sends it back then he is an ungrateful bastard. Whatever happens, he can't be in the right.

I just feel that given we will be the in the wrong in their opinion either way, we should do what makes us feel happy about ourselves. They dont know that he was made redundant with no pay off and no salary paid 3 weeks ago and that we really need the money, but I will not sell myself that cheaply.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

There is no right or wrong, just what you can live with.

[IAmNotAReindeer]

I would be dubious about keeping the cheque if I was DH in case MIL decides it was an offer for his share of the house he then decided not to hand over. The money for X keep and also keep the letter stating this.
That is if I understand correctly that there are two sums of money involved.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

have they sent it in cheque form? if so i would just bin the cheque. if it's cash i would donate it to a charity that she would never donate to

more fool her if she wants to waste her money trying to manipulate people. i agree with not sending it back or contacting her as she will use it as an excuse to get back in contact somehow. it will kill her to not get a response or to know what you thought of it. just ignore.

[ravenAK]

Put it in an account in X's name, send thank you card from both of you.

'Dear Mum, thank you for the contribution to X's saving fund. Have a great Xmas! Yours, PITAdh & PITA.'

Job done.

[PITAfamily]

There's no right or wrong, just what you can live with
Thats absolutely right, and I can't live with keeping it. He can, but I really can't :(

It was sent in cash, in £50's no less! And yes, I have made a note of the serial numbers.....suspicious, much?!

[PITAfamily]

Good point about keeping the paper work btw. We have the envelopes that state that the money is a gift to DH and X, so they cant claim differently.

[Lueji]

It really depends on whether you plan to use it yourselves or not.

I don't think you should be ashamed of anything if you make a deposit for X.

If you use it for yourselves, maybe consider it a loan from X and put it back when you can?

In fact, if X finds out you sent a gift for him back later on, he could understandably be angry with you.
It's his money.
He can send it back when he's older if he wants to.

[PITAfamily]

Financially it's a bit complicated!

2 of my 6 have the government trust fund (currently worth less than the original £250, go figure!), 1 is an adult and has his own savings, 2 have nothing as we planned to save but then couldn't afford to and 1,X, has this money.

As my DH just got made redundant with no pay, so owed £8k ish, we could really use the money and I would happily "borrow" it until the redundancy payments office pays him, and then send it back.

DH says that he wants to take us all out, me him and the 6 kids, for a pantomime, or dinner or something. He says, and he is right, that X would love that. The gift isnt thousands, him and X got £100 between them.

[ThisIsMummyPig]

I'm sorry - I read your first post and thought it was thousands - £100 is a lot to you at the moment, but nothing to them. Just put it in a savings account and pretend it never happened.

They can't say that £100 is any part of a share in a house - it's just a reasonably generous christmas present. (DH and I both get £50 from our mothers, and the kids get the same from my mum, and presents from his mum).

[PITAfamily]

Tbh its not the amount, its the prinicple. It could be £10 and I would feel the same. She doesnt know about the redundancy.

[PITAfamily]

I realise I said a "large" sum of money, but thats because we have a limit in my family so anything above £20 is wedding present territory! I am sorry, I didnt mean to mislead you.