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So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

(216 Posts)
KirstyWirsty Sun 16-Dec-12 18:28:16

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

Yogagirl17 Sun 16-Dec-12 19:10:52

Hey Kirsty - of course he wants you to feel you are being unreasonable. He's having to face up to the consequences of what he did and he didn't like it. You and your DD have been living with your mum because of what he did, you need a house, you need to get your life back together. If it takes him longer to get his own life back together that's just tough shit. You are not being unreasonable, do not feel sorry for him.

GeekLove Sun 16-Dec-12 19:21:44

Did he think about his pension or buying a new house before or after OW sucked his cock? Could try asking that in all innocence.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 16-Dec-12 19:21:48

One of my rules in life (learnt after many years' experience) is that when someone tries to emotionally blackmail you it is ALWAYS in your best interest to ignore them and do the opposite of what they want. He made his bed - literally - now it's his turn to lie in it. Tough shit.

izzyizin Sun 16-Dec-12 19:28:40

It wouldn't have taken very much fuss at all for you to get a more equitable division of assets, Kirsty, and I suspect that 60/40 or 70/30 would have netted you considerably more than 16 grand.

By my reckoning he's got off scot free and any crocodile tears he's shedding in front of you are disguising the fact that he's laughing up his sleeve.

Tell the greedy fucker that if he can't afford to buy where he wants, he can rent.

You've been a fool, gal. Don't let him fool you again.

izzyizin Sun 16-Dec-12 19:30:01

Any chance you can wipe the smirk off his face by getting the question of finances/division of assets revisited?

Tell him to find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. That's all he deserves.

Take what is rightfully yours and tell him to remember that this is all his doing for being a cheating scumbag.

KirstyWirsty Sun 16-Dec-12 19:44:32

Apparently that is all old hat and irrelevant now .. You know the fact that it is all his doing .. And I should stop harping on about it angry

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Sun 16-Dec-12 19:51:20

Your Mum is right, take what is yours and get a home for you and your Dd, don't let his crocodile tears sway you.

Hassled Sun 16-Dec-12 19:54:39

Bloody hell - take the money and if he can manage to make you lose all sense of logic and reason to this extent, never speak to him on the phone again. Communicate through texts and emails - regain some control here.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 16-Dec-12 20:02:11

Just tell him to STFU with his whinging. Seriously.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sun 16-Dec-12 20:06:33

He has absolutely brought this on himself, kirsty. The money is y

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sun 16-Dec-12 20:08:06

Oops, *money is yours for a better future for you and your DD, with fewer ties to him. Listen to your mum smile!

Yogagirl17 Sun 16-Dec-12 20:14:12

Kirsty it's not old hat and irrelevant while you are still living with your mum, still sorting out your assets, still don't have a house of your own...all a direct result of what he did. I've been told by a number of people (including my divorce lawyer) that it takes approximately 3 years for most people to really sort their lives out following a divorce so you can tell him tell him you promise to stop "harping" on about it another 2 years. wink

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sun 16-Dec-12 20:17:18

Harp away! I'm sure he has an answer for everything. He wasn't overjoyed at paying maintenance whilst you and DD were living at your mum's, if I recall?

Tell him to maybe think about it next time he sticks his cock somewhere it shouldn't be!

ReallyNotTotallyStupidPromise Sun 16-Dec-12 20:20:13

Yes - my Ex who had an affair, when we were a few months into 'giving it another go' (this is BEFORE MN clearly!!) said he was fed up of going over it and me blaming him etc and he just wanted to 'put it to bed'... I think the words were something like 'If you hadn't fucking put HER to bed none of this would be happening'. We didn't make it...

Get everything you can, ignore the old crocodile tears.

OrangeLily Sun 16-Dec-12 20:25:01

Tough fucking luck on his part. CRYING over money.

Get what you can. Walk away with your head held high.

KirstyWirsty Mon 17-Dec-12 07:32:14

Donkey he didn't think he should pay maintenance at all !!

I am absolutely raging this morning!! I'd hoped that this could all be resolved and I could start house hunting in January .. The light at the end of the tunnel has been moved further away again

laughinglikeadrain Mon 17-Dec-12 07:59:45

no it hasnt, just think of it as another step towards him getting some 'natural justice'

HandbagCrab Mon 17-Dec-12 08:12:02

He has £16000 of your money and is refusing to hand it over and crying to try and get your sympathy.

I'm afraid I don't know your story but I couldn't walk away from that amount of money. Could you communicate with him just through solicitors and then he can't make you feel guilty? Or email if you have to contact directly?

You could explore why you feel so guilty and why you feel that you should be super fair with your ex. He obviously doesn't feel that way towards you otherwise he wouldn't be trying to withhold your money. He's thought out many excuses too, which suggests perhaps the tears are not spontaneous.

It is not his money to give to you, it is your money that he is holding on to. Perhaps if you can see him as your debtor rather than your creditor it would make it easier to see it is your money and that you are entitled to it, tears or not.

Rindercella Mon 17-Dec-12 08:14:57

It is not old hat at all - he is now living with the consequences of his actions.

Don't do a pension share. Get the £16k he owes you so you can start to rebuild your life. He can live a mile or two further away as I guess that's all the difference it will make to his busting a house.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 08:24:39

I have just moved into a house which is not really what I want, because it's all we can afford. But, we will make it better over time.

We had to compromise and so we put DD's needs (good school, garden) over what I would have liked (a pretty period property. Could have afforded one not near the good school, and without garden).

I suggest your ex does the same. He needs to work out what DD's needs are and then put them first. If it's a smaller place, or a different style to what he'd like, or further away, then so be it. (Alternatively, he could stop using her to blackmail you!)

This really is the consequence of his actions. If he'd wanted to split amicably, there was the option of telling you rather than straying and making you go through the trauma of finding out about an affair. But he didn't take that opportunity.

This is his bed, he's made it. Tough.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 17-Dec-12 08:28:00

Just tell him he shouldn't have shoved his dick in another womans fanjo if he was bothered about this kind of thing.

All the money in the world won't make you forget what he did, so why should you be made to feel guilty when the mess is of his own making.

You tend to find that adulterous men are pathetic specimen. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Take the money you are owed, buy yourself a new house. He can go fuck himself.

Foolagain Mon 17-Dec-12 08:58:35

its YOUR money. tell him to fuck off and hand it over or you will go for a 60/40 spilt of total assetts. He's 'crying' ?????- fuck him. You look after you and DD...

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 09:02:10

Reminds me of DHs ex who wanted him to promise to give her £110,000 when his mother dies, despite having an affair and putting him on the streets.

You reap what you sow in life I am afraid.

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