why cant i let go?

[dipndunk]

Currently with BF, although it has never been "official" on and off for around 20 months. I am always the one to back off. Dont feel i can commit, lots has happened in a short space of time, including problems with his exW and contact with his son, me getting divorced, me getting pregnant by him, then having miscarriage.
I have not had any space and dont feel i can meet his needs.. very needy and of course my ds comes first. An incident where he grabbed me, although he has apologised. When I end it, i seem to go back about 6 weeks later. I feel low etc alone..
In my heart of hearts i dont think he is completely right for me, but i cant seem to break away.
I dont want this hanging over me into another new year. I am confused myself. It is making me feel stressed and distracted. I like to see him, but sometimes just feel invisible, overpowered and not heard. I feel miserable a lot of the time. I am thinking of ending it quite soon, I know it isnt good timing before Christmas. I am frightened of being alone again and when i am not with him, i feel like i love him. When i am with him, i feel i cant breathe. It doesnt make sense. Help anyone? anyone else found themselves so confused like this?

[dipndunk]

bump, any advice? :-)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Why do you keep going back to him? It sounds from your OP that you know all the reasons why you don't want to be with him... so why are you?

If you say that your son comes first and that's why you won't commit then stand by that; this man won't change and your son needs you to put him first as you say you do.

Make the break and make it permanently because, as you say, it's not just you to consider in this relationship but your son.

[dipndunk]

Im not sure why I keep going back. I am 36, maybe i think time is running out? Is that crazy? I didnt think like this before, but he feels this way, so maybe i am taking this on board.
My exh is with new woman, i am finding it hard to accept my son spending time with another woman. He seems happy. He was EA to me though...
I know reasons why i dont want to be with him, but there are also reasons i do, although ultimately, i am just wondering if it is because he is there, gives me attention etc.
My son has always come first, always will. I am so distracted at the moment though i am finding it hard to keep things together

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

But if you feel like time is running out, don't waste another minute on somebody you don't want to be with. I can understand that you find it hard to see your son forming a relationship with another woman, but you're his mum and always will be. Hopefully she is a nice woman and good to your son. Even better if your ex husband is now happy - he has a better chance of being a good dad to your son then.

Now what about you? What is it about this man that makes you hold on? I can't see anything in what you post that makes me think that you really love him. He's not 'Mr Right', is he 'Mr Better Than Nothng', perhaps? You need to step away and think about what you want - on your own for a while - and when you've processed that, you'll have your 'blueprint'. Don't settle because when you settle, you could miss your perfect partner whilst you're bumbling along with this one who you know is not right for you.

I know you put your son first, that's really clear - but also put yourself first and don't worry about finding somebody, you're 36... you have lots of time. Find out what you want from your life, hobbies, skills (develop new ones maybe?). Do you have a good circle of friends? Do you have an interesting job or skills to move into another field? Any qualifications that you've always fancied getting? Fill your time - and thoughts - with something other than this man, that would be my advice, dipndunk.

[dipndunk]

maybe i am holding on to the possibility he is Mr Right, but if he was would i feel this way? it must take time to decide, but if someone suffocates you, it pushes you away...right? that is possibly why when he backs of i then go back. If i step away, i think he will be gone. he wants a yes/no answer and NOW...pressure.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

He's not Mr Right, he's a dick. And he is playing you - being just nice enough to keep you hanging on, alternating nice and nasty etc. It's him who says that you are 'running out of time'? Charming! He wants you dependent on him so he has someone to mistreat.
Remember, it's better to be single than with an arsehole. It's better to be single than to be with anyone other than a really wonderful partner who treats you really well.

[dipndunk]

yes SGFAM
there have been times when i have thought that, he is a dick, how horrible is that? But he has really annoyed me at times and i bite my tongue and feel maybe i am being a bit unreasonable? Am I playing him though? I think i am confused, i have tried telling him it is over, but then somehow we end in the same situation. He has been sinister at times however i think he has realised and is trying to change his behaviour.. howver i know that is there...iyswim.. i have seen it... he has said what if no-one else offers what he can.. eg another child :-( feel like that is playing a bit. i really want another.. i have felt controlled by him at times, although not sure if that is intentional on his part. I must add it has made me not really recognise myself recently. oh its not good :-( but.. i cant seem to say to him.. thats it.

[juliex]

tell him to go and get a grip of yourself, if he isnt right, just leave it, dont see the problem, you looking for attention? go shopping or something.

[dipndunk]

thanks Juliex, no I'm not looking for attention, i am struggling with it....genuinally. getting a grip of myself is however something i need to do

[Abitwobblynow]

Listen to your feelings. Always listen to your feelings.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Actually, he sounds really nasty and potentially dangerous. He's physically attacked you once already and he keeps telling you that he's your last and only chance - these are abuse indicators. Well, attacking you is abuse.

Have you had a previous abusive relationship? Was there abuse in the family when you were growing up? It sounds like you need a good year of being single, and possibly some counselling, to sort out your self esteem and your boundaries so you don't pick another dickhead next time.

[juliex]

if he comes close to you again with a bad intention, hit him first. sleeze bag.

sorry for my first post, dipndunk. but dont listen to abitwobblynow, your feeling are obviously taking you back to him, and that is wrong do not listen to them.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"I am frightened of being alone again "

That's why you're not breaking it off. 'Any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend' is often symptomatic of low self-esteem & feeling unworthy of anything better. If he's playing on those fears and insecurities then you'll think he's the best you can do.

Takes courage and strength to walk away. But maybe if you think of it as being independent rather than 'alone' you'd see it as a more psitive step. You clearly have a lot of love to give someone. Don't waste it where it isn't reciprocated.

[DIYapprentice]

If it's this much work this early on, then he is NOT MR RIGHT!!!! Relationships in their early stages should be so easy, it's not until later that it gets harder. If it's this hard now then it will be bloody well impossible later!

[dipndunk]

thank you for your advice, i am building up the courage to tell him it is over...again. Worried about his reaction and how he will be in himself though... I do not want to go through a pretense of buying him present for bday/christmas.. He will be alone at christmas, sad for him.. but i am not responsible, but i care... he isnt a very strong person.. not sure how to do it.. any ideas. I just want it off my chest, i am carrying it around. he has an exam friday, so i wait until after that? he booked a meal for fri night, as a surprise, what do i do? any ideas?