So much more energy and life now that ExH finally, finally gone

[ChangingWoman]

After two years of agreeing to go and then not going, exH finally moved out a couple of months ago. Marriage and divorce both now seem like a long process of realisation that I've been shit at setting and enforcing boundaries for my whole life. (Also that there's no point in trying to negotiate anything with a feckless, spendthrift alcoholic. If anyone is thinking of trying, please just walk away.)

Since he went, I feel like DC and I have a new lease of life. DC has regular contact so I do see him but it's soooo good not to having him lounging around my home all the time.

I never used to have any energy for fixing things around the house but in a matter of weeks, I did more than in the previous five years. Almost everything is now (passably) clean, functional and even decorated. I've rewired sockets, resealed baths and fitted lightbulbs in rooms with high ceilings or awkward fittings which have been half-lit for years. I've set up a play area for DC to keep her painting desk and books, put up pictures and Ebayed or Freecycled all the rubbish and junk. The spare room is now ready to rent out in the new year.

There's no trailing wires, beer cans and constant electronic noise of simultaneous Playstation and TV. I can hear myself think again.

No whining and sniping and sulking and passive aggression. No monosyllabic moods where I'm apparently meant to guess (and care) what the matter is. No whinging about self-inflicted problems that he could solve if he actually gave a toss. No making my blood boil by expecting profuse thanks for doing a normal amount of housework and parenting tasks, referring to "babysitting" DC as a favour to me or announcing that he's very tired and "having a day off" from all of these.

I've even got my musical instruments out and started teaching DC to play. (I used to play two instruments quite competently for my whole life until exH moved in but didn't have the heart to even unpack them for the last few years.)

My bills have fallen and my badly-dented finances are getting back on track. DC seems calmer and happier and has been "helping" me fix things around the house, holding torches and tape-measures. Apparently "Daddy is lovely but silly". Not much I can say to that one. I've tried to make sure DC understands the logistics, when she will see each of us and still knows we both love her.

I'm happy to be single for a good long time while I figure out how to avoid making the same mistakes again. While studiously avoiding all potentially available men, I've developed a bit of a crush on an older work colleague who's in a long-term gay relationship (I'm probably attracted to him just because he's so civil, reasonable and kind to everyone) - my subconscious is playing overly safe, I think.

Oh, the relief! It's marvelous! That's it really.

[kinkyfuckery]

A great feeling isn't it?

As tough as things get from time to time, it'd infinitely better and easier than when I had that useless lump lying around.

[Letsmakecookies]

Good for you!! I loved your post thank you for sharing!

[FlojoHoHoHo]

What cookies said!

[ohcluttergotme]

Well done you! What a fab post I often wonder if I would be better without H and a few of the things you said struck a cord with me x

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I seem to get accused of using the 'LTB' line too often on here :) I've been told quite violently recently that even when relationships are truly appalling, couples should 'work out their differences' and 'stick with it for the sake of the children' blah, blah, blah. Stories like yours make me glad to the cockles of my heart. So happy for you and your DC. (Seriously impressed at you resealing the bath as well... !)

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

lovely post. thank you

[Feckthehalls]

Lovely!

[izzyizin]

Cogito has had some shortsighted harsh critics of late and it's to be hoped they'll take note that what CW is describing is life as it's meant to be lived without regular discord and disharmony.

Where abuse, alcohol/drug dependency, and other undesirable personality traits are present, it is often the case that separation is necessary to ensure the welfare and wellbeing of any children who are unfortunate enough to be victims of parental dysfunction.

You've warmed the cockles of my heart too, CW, and I wish you and your dc a very Merry Musical Christmas.

[SirSugar]

Love it - since H passed away I have removed:

over 1000 copies of newsweek
approx 500 copies of the Economist
bank statements since 1970s
accounts since 1970s
masses of old newspaper articles
three old hifi systems
two buggies rusted shut ( were his nieces, now in their twenties )
8 surplus chairs
masses of old clothes
2 huge computer screens
5 sets of cricket equipment
four car seats / stair gates / two high chairs
four old printers
2 fax machines
15 old mobile telephones
6 bookcases + books/magazines of no interest
1 alloy car wheel
approx 50 almost used tins of paint
5 ancient roller blinds
10 old suitcases
5 old televisions

I have also rearranged the bedrooms so that DC 2 had his own room, redecorated them, installed fab new bathroom, torn down all the nets at windows, opened the curtains, cleaned all the dust out and got myself a huge fuck off 3D HD TV for the bedroom.

Sorted

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Good for you, OP. Long may it continue ! And hopefully there will be some lurkers who have a lightbulb moment as a result of your thread

[izzyizin]

Love your post too, SirSugar, but I'm turning a blind eye to the need to rid my home of 8 old computers/laptops, umpteen 35mm cameras, surplus furniture, and stacks of 'it may come in useful' items unnecessary clutter

[CremeEggThief]

Excellent! And gives me hope for the future.

I don't and haven't missed my X at all, but I am struggling with loneliness and the sheer weight of responsibility (as he only sees DS every other weekend, Saturday afternoon- Sunday teatime). However, I was lonely in the marriage for the last few years anyway.

Thanks for sharing your story :) .

[ChangingWoman]

Thank you all - I'm definitely smiling tonight.

Tomorrow night (after a big work deadline) I might even have my first glass of wine in several months. Previously I couldn't buy any nice wine because exH would down it like lemonade whether it was cheap plonk or something special. Now I've bought an assorted xmas case to keep in the cupboard and I can take a bottle or two out whenever friends come round or to take to a party. Being able to do something like this is a luxury both on a financial and emotional level.

I generally find Cogito's posts sensible and soundly based. People who advocate working things out with abusers or addicts must be either living in a dreamworld or have had such hellish lives themselves that they can't imagine an alternative.

In my experience, when MN says LTB, it's not for leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting one anniversary while busy at work. I can't believe what I'm reading sometimes when people advise working things out with violent or irredeemably dysfunctional partners.

As a postscript, my lovely but misguided MIL, stayed in her marriage to exH's alcoholic and abusive father out of duty, religion, etc.. Even their own children wanted them to divorce. Three decades later, several of their adult children have alcohol and/or drug problems, two have attempted suicide at least once, some have been mixed up with extreme religious groups, two of the sisters have been in serial abusive relationships with deeply unpleasant men. Stay together, work it out? Yes, she tried all that.

[Pochemuchka]

Good for you!
Sounds like you are well on your way to a new lease of life.

All the best for your new future x

[ladyWordy]

A really uplifting thread, ChangingWoman. Well done to you! I was wondering if you hired yourself out for socket rewiring, etc :)

Your last para above is very sobering. Staying together for the children can apparently have horribly unintended consequences.

SirSugar, truly you're the queen of decluttering! Are you sure you didn't chuck out a partridge in a pear tree along the way ;) Though the f o HDTV might be a more modern twist on that rhyme! seriously, that is a huge amount to shift out.

[izzyizin]

That amount would merely be the tip of my clutter iceberg, LadyW.

O well, another New Year looms and another chance to make resolutions that are unlikely to be kept.

[Midwife99]

Wow - talk about getting control of your life SirSugar!! Congratulations!!

[ChangingWoman]

Good going SirSugar! I'm inspired to tackle on top and behind the wardrobes next weekend.

Don't think I'll find 5 cricket sets but a weightlifting bench and broken bed are within the realms of possibility...

[Toomuchturkeyatendofthedinner]

Just wanted to say how wonderful your post is, and it's lovely to hear of someone "coming out the other side" as it were. We have so many threads where women are going through agonies, and we often don't know what happens, or if they are doing ok. So this post made me very, very glad inside that there is life after a fuckwit.

A very happy Christmas and a peaceful 2013 wishes to you.

[TurnipCake]

This is such a wonderful post, you sound full of energy and calm OP.

[ladyWordy]

Izzy...... Never say never. This might be the breakthrough year for some of us, who knows? I bet ChangingWoman and SirSugar wondered if they'd ever get where they are now