Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex Texts

(53 Posts)
wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:02:51

Found disgusting sex texts on phone of boyfriend (of 2.5 years).

Girl is an ex he was seeing - not an ex gf.

Date back to two weeks ago.

Says nothing more is going on (I do believe him as in that time we have moved out of our house and in with my mum so we have been with each nearly every evening and weekend).

Started crying. Told me it was nothing but a bit of excitement and claims he now realises we do have issues with our sex life (I've been telling him we do for months).

I do want to move on. Says he realises what he stands to lose -he's been on best behaviour. Clingy

But I can't help but just feel sick to my stomach...

Will it pass or is that the end?

I don't want it to be but I feel like that's what I should be doing hmm

Offred Fri 14-Dec-12 09:08:01

Beware placing too much emphasis on the idea that because he didn't leave he wants you/the relationship. All it really tells you is that on Sunday he didn't want to leave not that he did want you or even that he did want to stay. Not wanting to leave can be for many reasons.

The other thing I would say is why are you making your decision based on guesses about whether he wants to be with you or not? Why aren't you deciding whether you want what he is offering to you?

You say the rest of the relationship is too good to lose but you also say you are only 2.5 years in and he has been taking you for granted and your sex life has suffered? Those two statements don't match up unless you have quite low demands from a relationship (not a good thing).

Plus taking you for granted + sex life problems + sexting + going to the gym a lot = affair doesn't it really, that's what I'd be thinking.

I also majorly dislike his "my girlfriend knows and has told me to stop talking to you text" which is a very clear message to her that he still wants to speak to her and probably supports all the "waaaah, she's controlling and she doesn't understand me, I can't leave her just now because I'm such a nice guy, I wish we could be togetherrrrr....." Crap he has told her.

MrsFlibble Fri 14-Dec-12 09:21:38

I know it's a cliche but I know this man. He's behaved like a total pr1ck - but if he wasn't bothered about me/our relationship, he would have just left on Sunday when this all came out. I know he would. He also would not have gone through all the bother of moving into my mum's with me - (which is for my benefit I have a bit od debt to clear up)

He wants his cake and eat, fingers in different pies.

I thought i knew my ex, he even proposed to me, while still text an ex girlfriend.

Watch out, men are fickle creatures, he may mean it, but be prepared for him not too.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 09:47:05

I think 'watch out' is all we can collectively caution. Go into the next phase with your eyes wide open & don't be so naive or trusting again. You're also going to have to set a boundary for his behaviour in future which, if he crosses it, he knows there are serious consequences i.e. the end. Cheaters who get off the hook by the skin of their teeth are often emboldened by success and will give it another try when they think the dust has settled. Obviously, if he is genuinely sorry, he'll never cross that line. That's the gamble you're taking now.

Remember.... 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 10:10:47

I haven't really got anything to add to what others have said to OP. On the sexting alone I would only say two words "creep" and "bye" and put the rest of my energy into more interesting and positive things to do with my time.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 10:14:18

But agree OP WishIWasOnABeach, its your life, your decisions.

Agree most of us find out the "hard" way. But we also can "wake up" a bit with the help and sometimes support of others and this can make it "easier" on ourselves.

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 14-Dec-12 11:29:11

Wishiwasonabeach

only YOU know your partner

People do make mistakes in life half the so called advisors here have been bitterly hurt in the past and no longer trusts men period.

I think you are making the right decisions for yourselves

Sometimes things get out of proportion a sex txt becomes he must be sleeping arround or worse

You said things have not been great in the sexual side are there things missing that both of you need to address

work on making things right outside the bedroom first.

Just to warn you in the past I have been verbally attacked and abused by mumsnet Supposedly advice givers... so be forwarned just in case it happens again

do what's right for you

take care

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 11:40:46

"only YOU know your partner "

Small correction. She didn't know her partner was sending creepy sex texts... We all think we know people until they do something we're not expecting.

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 14-Dec-12 11:52:16

Cogito why.why do you do it why do you persist tell me why

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 11:59:21

Why what? Why tell a young woman that people are not always what they seem, the ramifications of betrayal run deep and suggest she takes her relationship forward with her eyes wide open rather than shut?

Because it's what a friend would say.

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:05:49

Oh also - a bit I didn't tell you she's getting married in a few weeks.

You have all opened my eyes. I'm approaching this in my own 'style' and my own pace. I see and understand that now he has betrayed my trust any number of things could be going on behind my back - but I am going into this eyes wide open.

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me' This is what I am going into this thinking. I am prepared to see this as a slip up and move forward but I'm aware now and I will not ever forgive this or any other similar slipup again. I know I am worth more. I am a nice girl and a good gf.

Thanks again everyone - you're making me thinking of every single in an out of this situation and not just the emotional "but I lovvvve him" part x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:07:24

Who's getting married? You OP?...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:07:48

Or the object of the sex texts?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:21:41

Sorry - that wasn't clear.

No not me/us.

The object of sex texts - OW x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:22:44

They sound as classy as each other... hmm

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:24:50

Agreed CogitO

Slippersox Fri 14-Dec-12 12:34:32

Much older and with my DH almost 30 years when he was found out by OWs husband looking on her phone and discovering explicit texts. That was almost 3 years ago and we stayed together.Not easy and don't think I will ever feel the same tbh but daft as it sounds I do trust him not to do anything like that ever again.Technology can be insidiously addictive and what started out as friendly jokey banter got massively out of hand.He understands I will always regard this as an affair.They had actual day to day contact also via work and it still hurts to this day to think how much flirting they indulged in.
But he's a good man who has worked hard and been a fantastic dad to our DCs and done countless thoughtful things over the years.I truly think he lost the plot and got caught up in some sort of bubble.with work and family problems he was pretty low at the time.That's no excuse I know and he let me down enormously but I decided to give him a chance to prove he was really remorseful, and change his behaviour and boundaries re. other women.Not everyone would. On balance I'm glad I did.Hopefully we will grow old together and as time goes by this episode will be a dim, distant if still sad memory.Thats just the other perspective of chuck him out.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 13:47:59

I think context is important and so I agree with WantstoMakeThingsRight in that sense. The OP will always have some aspects and subtleties of the story that others will not have, as well as having the decisive, casting vote! But Cogito has a point as well - sometimes we cannot see the truth staring us in the face, or we can see it but its obscured for whatever reason ... others shining a torch or seeing something just off our radar, doing a bit of straight talking there can help. Personally, I really enjoy the broad array of different views and reflections on MN.

Re. what Slippersox says, is a good example of context, where a a long marriage, a good man, genuine remorse, will say alot. In a way its really all about context - does the transgression confirm your worst fear about underlying incompatibility and different values, that this person may be someone to get out of your life or distance yourself from? Or something more to do with a moment of weakness or vulnerability in another wise loving and responsible person? I can't say I have had much experience of the latter <sad face>, but I think it can be true.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:01:04

Context certainly is important. A 30 year partnership, previously unblemished character and children etc is a completely different animal to a couple that haven't been together long. So many people end up stuck in bad relationships because they get together young, they're in love & they forgive what look like minor slip-ups in the early days when it's relatively easy to part ways. 10 or 20 years go by, the errors get repeated and, by the time they realise that they've made a bad choice of partner, they have the mortgage, the kids, maybe financially reliant ... and it's horrible all round.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 14-Dec-12 14:17:14

Crikey, if I was in my mid-twenties, with no joint commitments or mortgage, I wouldn't be giving this a second thought.

Do you really think this this guy is the best you can do?

AndrewMyrrh Fri 14-Dec-12 14:18:40

Out of interest, do you think the sexual difficulties are related to steroid use, given that the gym is his main interest?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 14:41:41

Hmm I dont think he takes any steroids. Consumes a LOT of protein. 2 cans of tuna a day + 2 protein shakes but - nothing 'artificial' as far as I'm aware. I have thought about it before though.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:45:06

It was definitely a woman he was texting?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 14:53:52

Well - there was a picture of a woman within the texts - in stockings etc.
"Look at what Im wearing to my job interview etc..." envy PS I'm using that as a sick face!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:55:16

OK just checking. You'd be amazed how many allegedly straight men use gyms for gay encounters..

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 15:04:37

Yeah. I have experience (not directly - but another post for another day).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now