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Sex Texts

(53 Posts)
wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:02:51

Found disgusting sex texts on phone of boyfriend (of 2.5 years).

Girl is an ex he was seeing - not an ex gf.

Date back to two weeks ago.

Says nothing more is going on (I do believe him as in that time we have moved out of our house and in with my mum so we have been with each nearly every evening and weekend).

Started crying. Told me it was nothing but a bit of excitement and claims he now realises we do have issues with our sex life (I've been telling him we do for months).

I do want to move on. Says he realises what he stands to lose -he's been on best behaviour. Clingy

But I can't help but just feel sick to my stomach...

Will it pass or is that the end?

I don't want it to be but I feel like that's what I should be doing hmm

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:05:53

I wouldn't be with a man if i found out he was sending disgusting sex texts to anyone, yuck.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:08:36

But people do make mistakes... No?

BluelightsAndSirens Thu 13-Dec-12 15:09:56

Yuck. So instead off addressing issues within his relationship he takes up sex texting with another women?

Does he still have her number. Do you trust him?

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 15:11:55

I'd show the shifty little squit the door.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:14:59

Since this all kicked off he's determined to show me how it was a mistake and I can trust him again.

She texted him yesterday morning and he proudly showed me his replies and then deleted the number, in front of me.

He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again."

I'm trying to see this has - it may be the kick up the arse he needs? Or am I just being too nice. I just love him so much and I can't believe he did this.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:15:38

One inappropriate text would be a mistake.... a series of 'disgusting sex texts' to an old flame in pursuit of excitement when you have sexual issues with your girlfriend of 2.5 years isn't a mistake it's a complete breach of trust and contemptible behaviour. If he's just a boyfriend and you don't have anything concrete like kids together or a mortgage then don't waste time on the whys and wherefores. Of course he's on best behaviour because he's sorry he got caught. Won't last...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:16:42

"He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again.""

Oh please... what a set-up. hmm After a scripted routine like that he should finish with a song....

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:19:43

Yeah but he's not an actor - he emotion less and he was sobbing on Sunday holding me saying I know I've made a mistake if I can get help please can we get through this...I know him if he wasn't arsed he would have just left.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:23:55

If you've made up your mind that it's nothing, then carry on as you are. But that 'sick to your stomach' feeling is because you suspect there's more to this. As you're living at your mother's place, could you send him home to his parents or to stay with a friend for a while until you've made up your mind how you really feel?

IME sex texts are often foreplay between people who are hooking up IRL.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:26:52

Yes. Maybe you're right.

I think I need a bit of space and time.

Living with him while he suffocates me with kisses and apologies - it's just exhausting.

Thanks for your replies x

scaevola Thu 13-Dec-12 15:27:22

You do need to treat this as an affair (and do not discount the possibility that it was also hands on). Breaking it off and having no contact with her is an important first step. But do you really believe it is over? Will he let you check his phone and emails? Do you know where he is when he is not with you?

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:35:05

He doesn't really have fun of a social life.

He works a lot and goes to the gym and that's about it.

Can't remember the last time he went out - June maybe.

That's why there is a part of me that does believe these were just stupid texts.

Yes - has let me check both and is now, obviously, fine with me just asking to look.

He said to me last night, I f***ked up let me show you, that I am sorry and that it is wrong to become complacent" - we kind of left last night as, lets see how we go. If nothing improves - if I don't think he is putting effort into us then I think I will have to call it a day. IMO it's one thing to make a mistake, learn from it and then make changes but it's another to just make a huge mistake and hurt the one you love. If this changes his attitude to us then fine - ok it was a stupid way to learn a lesson, but as least he did - but if nothing changes and he's goes back to just taking me for granted, well, I think I deserve better.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:41:00

When I was young and naive I had an affair with a married man. His wife found out, he rang me and told me he was going to call me when she was there to tell me that he was calling it off blah blah. I wanted to end it anyway so for me that was it.

He called me a couple of hours later and asked to continue with the affair.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:44:26

So - I don't even give me a chance?

i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x

BOFingSanta Thu 13-Dec-12 15:50:29

Do what you like love, it's your life. But I wouldn't say it was a mistake either- a mistake is an accidental and momentary lapse of judgement, not something which takes thought and planning and goes on over time. Added to which, he sounds like a whiny pain in the arse, but hey, I'm not going out with him, so that doesn't matter.

You sound like you've made your mind up, fine.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:55:52

Haha Santa. Yeah, he has been since he was found out.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:58:13

So you want a sex texting whiney pain in the arse do you?

Hasn't respect for him somewhat diminished?

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 13-Dec-12 16:18:44

I'm not sure that after 2.5 years things should have got complacent. I've been with my OH for nearly 6 years and if he did this, he'd be out the door.

That said, if you want to give it a go, go for it. Just make sure that you show him that you won't put up with it again. I'd ask him to go and stay at his parents for a few nights. Tell him you need to think. If he loves you as much as he says, he won't mind, and he'll gain an understanding of what he is risking here. If his crying and claims are lies, he'll start texting her again. Or sleeping with her again.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 17:17:44

"i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x"

The fact is that he is a liar and that he has been secretive and deceptive about his connection with someone other than you. If you hadn't found the texts it would probably still be going on.

This doesn't mean writing him off exactly but it does mean acknowledging that he is untrustworthy. So your future relationship, should it continue, will be coloured by that knowledge. It will be one where you may not be so happy for him to go to the gym because... well... how do you know he's actually at the gym all that time and not popping over to some girl's place for a quickie? You're going to wonder who it is every time a text beeps... or an e-mail arrives... or he's on the phone.... or he's half an hour late. He's on good behaviour now but how long before he starts to get resentful and accuses you of being suspicious? How long before your self-esteem takes a hit because he preferred someone over you enough to affect your sex-life?

So it's not necessarily 'LTB' or writing him off as a liar but do be fully aware of what it means to get back with someone who has let you down as seriously as this. It's no picnic.

MrsFlibble Thu 13-Dec-12 23:18:52

My ex was sending messages to an ex girlfriend (from 20 years, been "just friends since, gave me the "my exes never let me have female friends" bullshit, thats another story)

When i threatened to leave, he blubbered and whined like a bitch, promised to change and you all know the script, few months later, he left me to be with her.

So, if you want to work on your relationship then keep an eye out, because just because a man blubbers his eyes does not mean hes reformed.

dequoisagitil Thu 13-Dec-12 23:26:46

Read Cogito's post a few times. x

dequoisagitil Thu 13-Dec-12 23:27:51

The 17:17 one of Cog's.

nkf Thu 13-Dec-12 23:28:35

You don't have to give him a chance. You can if you choose. You seem to feel as if you want to dump him but you think it might be unfair. Because he cried? Because he promised to reform? You can do what you like you know. Do you have children? That might change my opinion. But if it's a relatively short term boyfriend and you have no other reason to be together apart from love and respect and liking, then please yourself.

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 08:37:25

Thank you for your replies.

I don't want you to think I am being dismissive and I do think you have all raised points that I need to go away and think about.

Obviously trust will now be an issue and maybe I am being naive and in a few months it'll all come out of the wood work and in fact a few sex texts were something a lot more but I feel like everything else is too good to just give up and move on.

I know it's a cliche but I know this man. He's behaved like a total pr1ck - but if he wasn't bothered about me/our relationship, he would have just left on Sunday when this all came out. I know he would. He also would not have gone through all the bother of moving into my mum's with me - (which is for my benefit I have a bit od debt to clear up).

Maybe you're all right and I'm just being a young idiot in love but I think it's worth fiind this out on my own, the hard way.

Btw no dc's and I'm 25 he's 29.

Thanks again x

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