Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

calling it a day :(

(15 Posts)
Dillie Thu 13-Dec-12 13:02:01

I have finally admitted to myself that all is not well in my marriage and I need to get out sad

I am absolutely terrified! I have a 7yo dd who is an absolute angel, and it is tearing me apart that I am about to turn her world upside down.

I have been married 10 years and with h for 13.

He has always been possessive and jealous of any friends I have had over the years. When I go out I always get the, who with, where you going, what time will you be back etc. It got too tough to keep answering the same questions, so slowly I have lost any friends I have had.

Things came to ahead last week when the woman at a wildlife centre I volunteer at called to ask if I would like to go to a Christmas do. My dd answered the phone to start with. I accepted the invite assuming it wouldn't be a problem.

Later when h got home, I told him about the party. His response was "who is he and why are you going?" My dd then said "no daddy, mummy is telling the truth is was the lady from the animal place". His reply was "whatever". I didn't go in the end because I felt guilty over going.

Now I could be reading too much into it, but having your own 7yo dd stick up for you must mean not all is well?

I have never given him a reason not to trust me.

Granted I have been out more than usual. A colleague is moving on so we had a dinner for her 2 weeks back. Last night we all met up again, but I had to jump through hoops to "get permission" to go out. Or at least that is how it felt.

We had the works do last Friday, and thanks to a couple of drinks, he started to put me down in front of the boss. It was nothing major, but enough to be a little embarrassing. My boss is a nice guy and i could tell he was feeling a little uncomfortable with his behaviour. When we are out at functions like that, I admit I cower into myself and my total lack of confidence stops me from telling him to button it.

I am so fed up over feeling scared of my own shadow, jumping through hoops and bending over backwards to make him happy.

I want out now. With Christmas coming up, I don't want to ruin things, but I really can't do this anymore. I will wind up in the funny farm before too long!

Sorry for the whinge, but am I doing the right thing? And where on earth do I start? I have a very supportive friend who is helping me out, but I need some unbiased advice. Thank you x

I don't have relevant experience, but I couldn't live like that. I think you are doing the right thing. He sounds awful. Your poor DD ... and it must have been pretty humiliating in front of your boss.

Practically you need to get organised. Someone will be along with a list of what you need to do.

x

TurnipCake Thu 13-Dec-12 13:13:14

You are absolutely doing the right thing, even though it feels difficult at the time. I guarantee that by this time next year, you will feel like a different person.

Children are more resilient than you think. You may be surprised that your daughter will be happier in the longrun in a better environment for the two of you.

And yes, practical things etc. Make sure you have documents, passports etc. Can you leave them somewhere safe, maybe with the friend you mentioned? I'm sure other posters will have better lists and will be along to help

laverneandshirl Thu 13-Dec-12 13:15:21

oh bless you, yes, yes, yes you are doing the right thing. he sounds awful. this relationship is not good for your daughter or you. you don't have to live like this and you deserve to be treated with humanity and kindness.

just think how quiet and peaceful your life will be when he is no longer in control of your life - you are not a prisoner and you can leave whenever you want. it might be tough going but the rewards are more than worth it.

myroomisatip Thu 13-Dec-12 13:25:29

He sounds just like my STBXH. I have been trying to get out of this marriage for 3 years next February sad

You are doing the right thing. Absolutely. I know how miserable it is. I could not even go to the supermarket alone!

And - Good Luck smile

arthriticfingers Thu 13-Dec-12 13:36:57
HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 13-Dec-12 13:43:47

You beat me to it, arthriticfingers.

Dillie: you are absolutely doing the right thing. Nobody deserves to be bossed around and put down as you are. Not ever, and certianly not in the safety of your own home by a man who is supposed to love and cherish you.

You deserve better. Go out there and grab it.

In practical terms, your first port of call could be a family solicitor.
Emotionally speaking, could you open up to your closest and most trusted frinds; start speaking about what you are experiencing and how it makes you feel?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 13-Dec-12 13:45:11

You can't live like this and you shouldn't have to. It isn't good for your DD either, really.

EdithWeston Thu 13-Dec-12 13:47:30

Don't worry about Christmas: you will need some time to plan the new living arrangements. This could easily take you into January. You may find it's easier to put up with him for a few more weeks if you know you are actively planning the route to the next stage in your life.

Dillie Thu 13-Dec-12 13:48:47

Thanks for the kind words.

I have looked at the links, and can identify with the points .... I didn't think of it as abuse sad

arthriticfingers Thu 13-Dec-12 13:57:42

I don't think any of us did.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 13-Dec-12 14:12:45

No indeed. The "a" word was a complete bomb to me too, because it strips away the denial about a situation you've been normalising for so long.

But what you describe is unquestionably abuse, Dillie. It isn't normal, it isn't right, and you deserve to live your life free of it.

financialwizard Thu 13-Dec-12 14:20:40

Completely agree with everyone else, and just wanted to wish you well.

Brightonite Thu 13-Dec-12 14:22:37

Also wishing you well.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:06

You'll find a lot of behaviours you recognise on here, together with a few you, hopefully, won't. There's a depressing amount of it about.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now