Feeling sad & full of regret, no one to talk to, need to get this all out!

[kipperthedog]

Hello all :)

It's been about 6 years since I last came on here properly, when I went through a divorce. I found fantastic support here & made some good friends & I am really hoping that I can find some support here again from you lovely people. I'm also thinking that as I have no one in RL to talk to about it all, maybe even just writing it down will help. Sorry it may be long winded & thank you in advance if you make it to the end!!

I have 3 dc's (9,8 & 2) the older 2 with my ex-H & youngest with my current partner. We all live together & the older 2 see their Dad regularly which is all fairly amicable.

Before I met my ex-h (so going back 13 years) I had a fantastic bf whom I lived with & planned to have kids with etc. When I met my future H I just left the bf, dropped him like a hot potato. (Something I really regret now) My H was wrong for me but the excitement of being with someone different overtook what I saw then as settling down too young with the bf. My H & I moved away, I drank a lot & although deep down I knew it was wrong I felt like I had made my bed so had to lie in it so to speak. We ended up having my 2 older dc's (whom I love dearly), getting married for no other reason than that for me to have the same surname as them & finally splitting up. I was heartbroken & felt a failure but it was the right thing as he treated me badly. When I left the original bf he came to find me twice to make sure I was ok but I know now (through a mutual friend) that he is married with kids.

Anyway, I then spent 2 years on my own with dc's which I found a struggle & drank every night on my own to blot out the pain & loneliness & sadness that I felt. I then met my now bf who disliked kids!! It was all very unromantic & he tried hard to not get involved but we did finally get together & now he's great with dc's & his own dc too.

Now I feel really low. I stopped drinking a year ago & suddenly feel I can see things so much clearer, finally. I feel so much regret at how I treated my ex-bf & that I didn't stay with him to have the perfect life we had planned. I feel like I'm having some sort of mid life crisis, mourning my youth (is this normal!!???) & looking back with sadness at the life that has passed. How I have messed up. I do love my kids so much but I feel like I have no life of my own. I'm not sure that I love my bf anymore, we have drifted apart & I feel stuck. like I'm suffocating in the monotony of the daily life. We are skint (which doesn't help) & have had a fairly crap year but I feel like I need to get out & make something more of my life. I have very few friends as we have moved (locally) several times & we never go out due to lack of money & babysitters. I feel stuck where we live as we live near the dc's dad & he says he would fight me for custody if we moved away. I think I may be depressed but I am not one for tablets & feel that I need to take action to sort my life out. Also easier said than done sometimes.. I also feel I want to get in touch with my ex-bf & tell him how sorry I am for the way I treated him & how much I regret it, but is that mad? Will it help? I don't know.

It's all I can do not to cry all day at the minute & I need a shoulder to cry on please :(

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

FWIW Regrets are normal. Mourning lost youth and bemoaning lost chances is nornal. I choose to see my regrets as proof of a life that's at least been interesting, if not entirely perfect. Must be a very dull person indeed that can look back 20 or 30 years, believe they couldn't have done anything differently & not acknowledge any mistakes along the way. :) The danger is when you get stuck in the 'what ifs?' and forget to pursue the 'why nots?' ... that's when it gets unhealthy.

If you're "suffocating in monotony" then chewing over the past won't change a thing. The challenge is to alter the future. That threat of your ex suing for custody if you move away, for example. If getting up & out or moving elsewhere is going to give you a new lease of life your DCs will benefit and your ex will just have to adjust. If you've had enough of your current b/f, don't waste time wishing things were different.... find the courage to either fix it or end it. If you're thinking about getting in touch with an old boyfriend really examine your motives because it could easily just be nostalgia talking. Old/first loves are powerful things and you don't want to open a can of worms.

Finally... if you are depressed talk to your GP. Depression is an illness same as flu or a sprained ankle. All very well being noble and saying no to medication but if it gives you the breathing space to heal, you may be able to get going with the next part of your life more positively.

[kipperthedog]

Thanks for your reply & the flannel ;)

Yes I guess it is normal to feel regret, but I feel like I've failed to achieve what I hoped in my life & my family is dis-jointed. My oldest is a handful & I feel like I spend a lot of time in the middle of my bf & older kids trying to smooth things over.

I spoke to my ex bf this afternoon, it was lovely to speak to him & he is really happy which is great for him. I guess I wished he might say he would come & whisk me away from it all as he loved me so much! Now I feel like he has acheved the perfect life without me... anyway that must be put behind me now I know.

I know dwelling on this isn't healthy or going to help, I just feel like a total failure at the moment. My parenting skills have diminished to a lot of shouting, I feel I have let them down. I know I need to look forward & to the future, I don't want to look back on the next 10 years & feel disappointment like I do with the last. I think I might go to the doctors as it's difficult to shift this feeling.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Back off the ex bf Missus . If you were his wife how would you feel about him being in touch with a woman who harbours such strong feelings.....

[susanann]

Go to the doctors, you need help. I have suffered from depression off and on for years. Believe me you need anti-depressants and preferably counselling too. Its not wrong or weak to seek help. You owe it to yourself but more so to your kids.
And yes defo stay away from ex-boyfriend. He is not in the position to ride up and sweep you up in his arms and rescue you. He is happy with his life, do not wreck that for him. With regard to your relationship with your partner, once you get back on an even keel you will be able to make the right decision as to whether to stay with him and heal the relationship or call it quits and leave. You are not in a good frame of mind to make that decision now. Accept any help youre offered . Good luck. Im here if you want support or a chat.

[kipperthedog]

Thank you susanann. Ladies I know what you're saying about the ex bf. I text him to ask him if we could talk a couple of days ago, then thought it was a bad idea but he kept phoning so I thought its be unfair of me not to speak to him. It's done now though & I won't be contacting him again. Like I said I have to let that go & be happy for him that he's happy with his life. The last thing I want to do is wreck his life!!

[kipperthedog]

I think I am going to go to the doctors & get some medication, it's horrible feeling so sad all the time :(
I spoke to my bf last night about possibly moving which he seemed quite keen on so that's a positive. I do need to work out whether I really want to be with him or not first though as I'm aware that I don't want to use him & end up breaking up in the future. The thought of being single mum to 3 kids is daunting, I've done it before with 2 but I have no job at the minute. Need to get my head straight! Also don't want to uproot kids schools etc unless I'm sure it's the right thing.

[kipperthedog]

It's ridiculous really as I have someone who loves me & compared to some people I have quite a nice life, I just feel so unsatisfied & like I'm wasting it away. I know looking after my children is my priority but I want something for me.

[freeandhappy]

Get a bike. It will make you feel happy! Do something creative every day. Read Tolstoy. Hope you feel better soon. Well done on stopping drinking.

[kipperthedog]

Thanks freeandhappy.

It's not that I'm being noble about not taking anti depressants, it's that I fear I may become reliant on them & will find it difficult to stop taking them. Does anyone have experience of them & stopping them? Was it easy to come to the point where you knew you didn't need them anymore?

[freeandhappy]

I probably needed them but resisted for the reasons you have articulated. I got a therapist/counsellor and that helped me get a bit of perspective. And then I tried to remind myself of what I wanted to be like when I grew up and decided to start trying to be it. Does that make sense? Of course there are limits and constraints on your life but can you try to be the best you can be within those limits? Can you take up some interest you used to enjoy. You sound a little list. Can you reconnect with your younger idealistic self in another way than with your ex boyfr. What bands did you like then?!

[susanann]

Ive been on anti-depressants several times, im on them now. If you come off them slowly, as instructed by the gp you should be fine. I once stopped taking them abruptly, oh my god it was bad. DO NOT EVER DO THAT!
Re knowing when you need to stop them, keep taking them for say 3 months after you feel ok so you dont have a relapse. If its in the latter part of the year I stay on them till spring cos my gp and I agree that I probably suffer with SAD , the lack of sunshine. Its better to be on them longer than have a relapse and have to go through it all over again! DO NOT BE ASHAMED to be on ADs.
I tell people I have depression, not for attention or sympathy, but because the stigma of mental health needs to be addressed. The more people are educated about it, hopefully ,ignorance will be defeated.Good luck. If you want to PM me then please do. x

[kipperthedog]

Thank you both :) sorry I haven't had much time to get on here this weekend.. Free&happy yes that makes sense, in fact I've recently taken up a sport I used to love when I was younger & love it again!! Will write again on Monday, thank you so much for your support & hope you've both had a good weekend :)

[ohcluttergotme]

Hugs to you OP. I know exactly how you feel. I have 13 yr old dd from previous abusive relationship and been with my dh for 12 yrs, married for 4 and we have 3 yr old ds. I'm still in contact with boy I went out with when I was 14. I've never stopped being in contact. He has said he wants us to be together. My dh (and I...I think) want another baby but I also wonder if I should try to be with exbf or leave him as friend.
I regret so much about my life. I love my children but like you my life feels disjointed. I sometimes wish I could just walk away from it all. I tried anti-depressants once and hated the feeling they have me. I'm currently seeing a counsellor which I'm finding really helpful.
I work as a nurse & do think it helps to be at work 3 days a week as otherwise think I'd go mad with all thoughts, what if's, regrets that go round my head.
I would definitely go see the GP. Good luck with your situation x

[freeandhappy]

I can really empathize with you. My kids fought like crazy wen I was struggling....I probably wasn't giving them enough although I was with them all the time but I wasn't very 'present'. Anyway things are way better now even tho I'm still single but I'm ok with it an I've connected back to myself and I don't feel bad or guilty anymore. So the better I am the better things are. I also wondered if I'd fucked things up too badly to recover but apparently not! I hope you can find happiness. I think you should talk to doc but I'm not 100% sure about meds. Keep posting anyway and let us give you some company and support.

[Dottiespots]

Sorry your feeling so down. Maybe you could try and see all this as a good thing. I think mid life crises are a time when you come to a crossroads and as you are finding out, time to assess the past , present and future. Its not very good that you feel you have to always be refereeing between your older kids and your bf. That must be draining. Could you leave them to it and see what happens. Maybe they would work it out themselves given time. Also getting a new job might really help you to feel better about yourself and maybe alot of other areas of your life would be enhanced by your "working". It would raise your self esteem and give you more of a life outside of your family and you would make new friends to chat to. Maybe then your self esteem would be better and you would see your life in a better light.

[kipperthedog]

thank you all :) it really is great to have some support & some ears to listen..

I'm feeling a bit brighter today & over the weekend, although it seems that when I'm feeling ok I can still think of something & feel the tears coming. I really think it must be a mid life crisis of some kind. I feel like I've lost my youth, that I didn't do it right, I was too stubborn & stupid to see what I see only too clearly now with the benefit of hindsight.. I worry about dying, about leaving my kids behind, life & how it works, the meaning of it all.. Even listening to songs from my carefree days make me cry with sadness. Sometimes I wish I hadn't had kids so soon & had gone travelling & seen the world & all it has to offer before settling down.

I think working would help, being at home does give me all day to dwell on these thoughts which probably isn't a good thing. My dd is only nearly 2 & doesn't go to any nursery or anything so I'm hoping to stay at home with her until she starts pre-school. She is my final baby & I want to make the most of her! I think come Easter I will start her going one or 2 mornings a week & that will free up a bit of time for me to find something.

The other yawning gap in my relationship atm is that I have a total lack of desire for sex. It started when I was pg with dd & hasn't got any better. In fact the same thing happened with ex h after having my older 2 & it was a major factor in our splitting up. When I met my now p, my sex drive was fine (although heavily alcohol fuelled) but went again when I had baby. I really feel like I would be more than happy to never have sex again. I'm not sure if it's because I've lost attraction to him but we don't talk about it.

Re ex bf, I've thought about him a lot but I won't be contacting him again. I know he isn't the answer to my problems & he is happy which is really good for him. I just wish things had been different & I'd had the sense to see what I was throwing away at the time :(

ohcluttergotme, sorry to hear you're feeling the same. What to do? I guess sometimes the grass looks greener & it isn't necessarily. I think my feelings for my ex bf are feelings of loss of my youth & doing it wrong rather than actually wanting to be with him now, does that make sense? It may be different for you of course. I also worry about messing up my dc's lives, I'm not sure I could cope with another ex & all that comes with the kids acess arrangements! Hope it works out for you, am also here if you want to vent... :)

freeandhappy thank you, I'm not sure about meds either for the reasons I mentioned before. I think I need to make some positive changes & hope that improves my well being mentally.

awsangel, thank you too. I could leave them to it but I particularly worry about my ds who can cause issues. He had some really bad behaviour recently & my p thinks he needs some psychological help - something I don't really agree on. He has also said in the past, in the heat of the moment in an argument that my son is horrid :( I am finding it hard to decide if i can live with someone who thinks that of my son & worry that my p may say something horrible to my son if I left them to it.

What a mess.. x

[Dottiespots]

OOO yes see what you mean about your partner and your son. Its one thing your husband and father of your children having a strong opinion but your partner having a strong opinion which you dont agree with is another thing. I think I would find it very hard to live with a man who doesnt seem to like my children . How long have you been with your partner? I also feel that your lack of sex drive has alot to do with your feelings. When you feel sexually in love with your other half the world is a much better place cause you feel like a vibrant sexual gorgeous woman ( you know what I mean) and your self esteem is quite high. You look forward to being together and doing little things together and just being with him. When your not attracted to him in a sexual way then you just become room mates really and the feelings you have are more like brother and sister which is never good.

[kipperthedog]

That's exactly it awsangel, in a nutshell. Have had a horrible night with p arguments again, looks like we are splitting up this time. Feeling numb right now & can't sleep for worrying. I don't feel strong enough to cope with another emotional break up & I don't want to be alone. But I can't find a way to bring the love & desire back :( please keep reading for me I feel very alone x

[Dottiespots]

Ok Kipp, you need to keep posting so you dont feel alone. I know you think you dont feel strong enough but you are and you will get through this if it is what is best for you. But just to look at the other side of things......do you think that your feelings for him could possibly come back if he were to woo you a bit and for you to go on dates together and try and get the spark back???? Lets say just for the sake of curiosity....if he were to have an affair or go out with another woman , would you be jealous, would you want him back, would you want him sexually again?

[kipperthedog]

I really don't know. I know we have got stuck in a rut of having no money & therefore no social life. It's pretty much just the 2 of us every evening & we are both bored of it. It sounds awful but he really gets on my nerves & I wish he would man-up a bit to make things better. I don't think he would "woo" me. He says he feels he has done everything he can & he doesn't feel well enough or care enough to keep on trying. I have tried to think about it as you suggested, how would I feel if he was with someone else etc & I just don't know. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff looking down at a life without him not knowing whether to jump or not.. will I be safe or will I look back with regret again in a few years time... Or do I step back from the edge & keep on trying with him. I don't want to have another failed relationship but at the moment I feel that being on my own would be preferable. Horrible arguments last night, he says he would want dd alternate weekends as the older 2's dad has them (he's very bitter towards my ex-h) but I think at almost 2 she is too young to be away from me for that length of time, so I suggested one day each weekend, that resulted in solicitor's threats etc etc. I've got up this morning & just carried on as normal with the kids & we pretty much ignored each other, he's gone to work now. I really need to work out what to do. It'd be easiest to say we'll try & work it out but we have been here several times in the last few months, bickering & almost seperating I don't know what's best anymore. Splitting up will be painful as it always is but perhaps we are just not right for each other anymore. It seems we have got into a pattern of blame & arguing & never acheieving any progress. Life is too short for all this upset isn't it. I don't want to be unhappy or to make him unhappy.

[SobaSoma]

OP firstly well done on stopping the drinking - do you drink at all now? I know how hard it is, I'm trying to do the same myself. Some people are on anti-depressants indefinitely because they keep them well and happy. I've been on and off them for years and have found them very helpful. I hope you go to the GP and discuss the options.

I am single and more content than I ever have been. I miss having a man sometimes but have found meaning in my life and realise I don't need one. Living in the past is futile, as is worrying about the future. Find things to do now that fulfil you (it could be anything, someone suggested reading Tolstoy :) ) and try living in the present. There's lots of information available about how to do that, or try mindfulness meditation (you could ask your GP about it, the NHS has started to take an interest in it). Take joy in your children, they grow up fast and when they're gone you'll wonder where the time went.

[SobaSoma]

BTW suggesting one day a weekend (1 day out of 7) to your DP is not going to make him happy. He has every right to shared care (ie 50/50) assuming he's a good father.

[MadSleighLady]

I just wish things had been different & I'd had the sense to see what I was throwing away at the time sad

Kipper, I'm sure he was/is a lovely guy, but I'd bet all my advent calendar chocolates that if you had stayed with him you'd still now be going through the mourning for lost youth phase. And it would take the form of "I wish I had jumped at the chance and lived a little when that exciting other man [ie your ex-H] came along rather than settling down too young with BF."

I think that's just what this stage of life is like. It gets complicated, people get tested and so do the bonds between them. You never had to go through the tough times with ex-BF, like the reality of children and money being tight. It was all a beautiful dream you had together when you were both young and idealistic, and because nothing has ever happened to dispel it you're imagining it would really have been like that.

[kipperthedog]

Yes that's true madsleighlady & a very good point! But I also feel that p & I never had time together before kids (as I had them already) & so we have no shared history of happy pre-kid times as I would've had with ex-bf. I do know that ex bf isn't the answer & I guess it is my time of life that I feel this way about the past etc. Having spoken to ex bf I'm now able to put that behind me. My current issues now are what to do about p.

Is that really the case that p could have dd 50/50? I think I need to get some legal advice :(