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My husband, my head and my heart

(39 Posts)
LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 09:46:42

I went to a counselling session last night. On my own. I had hoped it would be couples counselling, but looks like individual counselling now as the lady so nicely put it.

So how, oh how, oh how, do I begin to accept the fact that the man I have spent my life with has found another woman, lied to me, hurt me, come back to me, lied again, told me we could work everything out, given me hope, smashed my hope, and now (I think) has finally made a decision, despite my relentless begging, to leave me and attempt to build a new life with her.

I'm bitter, broken, ashamed, hurt, seething, flawed, devastated, desperate, at fault, STILL wanting him to change his mind though why on earth would I, tearful (constantly), useless and miserable with not even the tiniest sliver of a glimmer of hope.

What next?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Thu 13-Dec-12 11:39:02

Did they both work in the same place? Did they lose their jobs because of their conducts in the workplace?

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 11:41:43

No, the magical world wide web

catsrus Thu 13-Dec-12 12:00:21

OK

You don't have to have anger or bitterness or hate towards him. That is a response you often see on MN but it is not always the best, and most healthy, way to deal with this (though I accept it can be in some situations). My H left for an OW after 25 yrs together - I don't hate him, I don't get any pleasure from the fact that his marriage to OW seems to be a disaster - I think it's very sad that this is the case. My ex's lies have led to him losing out on relationships with friends and family and I can't believe how much happier I am now - 2 yrs down the line.

You cannot fix him, you cannot make him happy, you cannot make him less insecure about who he is, you are not at fault for abandoning the relationship. He has to take the responsibility for that and not try to make it your fault.

As much as you can - detach detach detach. Spend time with people and things that nurture your soul and help you grieve what you have lost. My approach was to think of it as though the person I had loved had died - and this stranger had taken their place. This stranger was not someone I would want to live with. I refuse to let exHs actions taint the great years we did have together - we WERE happy and did have good times, nothing and no-one can take that away. Don't let his actions now rob you of your past - it's yours and you need to protect it. Grieve for what you have lost and move on.

You WILL be happy again - but from reading MN for the past few years I would honestly say that the people who seem to come out of this best really are those who manage to detach and not be consumed by anger / hatred.

good luck!

ErikNorseman Thu 13-Dec-12 12:15:40

I'm not advocating bitterness, just that blame is placed where it should be - with the person who chose to cheat, not with the poor OP.

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 12:25:52

Thank you catsrus. I have been feeling as if I'm supposed to forget the hundreds and thousands of happy times we did have together, that I have to box up the photos, pretend he doesn't exist. But he does, he did, and for a huge part of my life he was the most important person in it, I think I was to him once too. I want to want him to be happy (if that makes sense) - I'm just not ready.

I want to recognise that he has made decisions he must be responsible and accountable for, but because I have always loved him, I feel sad for him that he has lost friends and relationships as well as me. I know this won't help me but it's truthful. I think everyone (though I haven't even told many people) is so angry with him at the moment that they can't help me really yet. I don't want them just to shout and swear about what he has done, because I feel like he has died. In the most awful way, which I'm horribly ashamed of, part of me wishes he had died.

maleview70 Thu 13-Dec-12 13:02:11

I can tell from your comments that you are in pain.

This happened to a friend of mine (female). He husband decided to end the marriage and go off with someone else after ten years together. She was distraught. I have never seen anything like it. She couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work and had 6 weeks off, couldn't hold a conversation properly. It was as if he had died out of the blue in a terrible road accident or something and she had been given no warning. It was grief and it is what you are going through.

The holding your hand and stroking your hair and the tears may well have been genuine. Whilst he has acted like a twat he probably in his own way was trying to make you feel as less hurt as possible but in doing so gave you hope that was never really there. Any decent person doesn't like hurting people but they don't have the bollocks to be brave and end a relationship before finding a new one. This can apply to men and women equally.

The fact is he was looking for someone else on the Internet. It wasn't love at first sight or a friendship in real life that overstepped the mark. He conducted the chase online! If it wasn't her it would have eventually been someone else.

Take time to come to terms with it. Step by step.

My friend who I mentioned earlier slowly but surely began to eat again, sleep again, work again and funnily enough as most people do, in time began to love life again and low and behold a couple of years later she was in love again. She is now married again with a beautiful 6 year old daughter and 4 month old baby boy. Life couldn't be better. Her ex husband is a distant memory.

This can happen to you too. It just won't happen overnight.

As for Christmas being cancelled. Don't allow him to ruin things for you. Volunteer to help on Xmas day at an old people's home or refuge. It will make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to other peoples lives.

Take care x

Gay40 Thu 13-Dec-12 13:11:27

My mum says to me "When a man marries his mistress, it just creates a vacancy." So true.
Really, be thankful that this spineless cunt has moved onto some other woman that he will cheat on. In the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and recover and eventually move on to better things and a nicer bloke.

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 14:38:45

Thanks Gay40 - that saying is definitely a keeper.

Less use of c**t though guys - I do so hate that word (and not specifically referencing my hubbie, just in general !)

JustinBoobie Thu 13-Dec-12 15:18:57

He failed you OP.

He failed you. He failed. Not you.

I hope in the coming weeks/months/years you can realise you deserved better... and they deserve eachother.

Firepile Thu 13-Dec-12 16:19:39

OP, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am 2 and a bit years on, and remember too well how much I blamed myself. I found it impossible to be angry with my husband despite his appalling behaviour and turned my grief on myself. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Like you, I didn't think I could get through it. Even thinking about it made me panic and there were times I felt I couldn't breathe let alone eat or sleep.

It does get better! Really it does. I drew on:
- my brilliant friends and family. People in other timezones come into their own when insomnia strikes! Your friends know that none of this is your fault. He made a decision and you've been caught in the fallout. It took time for me to be able to hear that message and accept it, but I am so glad that my friends kept saying it until I was ready to do so. I used to invite myself to see people because I couldn't bear to be on my own at weekends

- a fantastic counsellor who I saw on and off for 18 months or so, working on building my self esteem and self help cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) resources

-my GP and a timely prescription for antidepressants when I needed them (after 9 months)

- being very open with my colleagues about what had happened. they were extremely supportive and many shared their own experiences. It was so helpful to see people who had got to the other side and were happy again!

- making myself do new stuff. The process of building a new life felt so artificial at first. But I stuck with it and it has become my life and feels natural now!

- mumsnet. Posting and lurking helped me see that I wasn't freakish to feel the way I felt, and it was so helpful to see other people getting through it. And lots of support here.

Take care.

Abitwobblynow Fri 14-Dec-12 12:28:00

it ain't over till it's over, Christmas.

At the moment he is feeling very ashamed useless and hopeless and she 'understands' him.

Just keep going to your counselling, process your emotions (HUGE and overwhelming) and take one day at a time. xxx

Firepile Fri 14-Dec-12 13:24:28

How are you feeling today, OP?

DoingItForMyself Mon 17-Dec-12 12:25:34

I agree that seeing it as grief as is a good way to process it. I told my XH that I felt like someone had died and that actually, they had - the man I thought I was married to. Maybe he never existed or maybe he did, but he changed and I had to accept that loss, which hurt every bit as much as it hurt to lose a loved one to cancer.

In fact when my dad died, my mum said she felt more sorry for my aunt, whose H had left for an OW than she did for herself, as she knew that my dad hadn't CHOSEN to leave her. It probably is harder in some ways to lose someone to an affair than it is for them to die and you should give yourself the same TLC, even if others don't see the comparison.

xxx

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 19-Dec-12 00:10:56

How are you doing? You have had some great advice on here and I hope it has helped you.

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