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It feels like he's obsessed with sex!

(52 Posts)
AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 08:54:38

My husband and i have been together for ten years and married for four. We have 2 dd 3 months and 2.7. We seem to have this ongoing problem with differing sex drives which ends up making us both unhappy. I am really trying to ensure our sex life remains interesting but I feel as though he is constantly dissatisfied. This makes me feel as though i can't win and that any effort i make leads to him hoping for more. He seems to 'sulk' for want of a better word when i don't want to have sex or want to go to bed early. He is an otherwise attentive and lovely husband but we just keep going round in circles trying to solve this problem. I know we can't be alone in this. How do others cope?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:43:15

But Hell is right, there wouldn't be a compromise would there, the outcome would be more sex for him.

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 16:05:00

There may be more for him but less than he would like still so they are meeting on middle ground. In that sense it would be a compromise.

As I made clear earlier the sulking behaviour has to be dealt with first.

Op what has your DH indicated would be a reasonable way to deal with this to his mind?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 16:08:56

How is him having more sex a compromise? We aren't talking months here, we're talking a week.

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 16:12:15

How is the O.P keeping things as they are a compromise? It's all very one-sided on her part if the other person's needs aren't recognised.

Quite illogical.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 16:35:00

I think i agree with queenie. It is clear that the sulky behaviour needs to be dealt with but i am amazed at the ease with which others would end an otherwise happy relationship. This is not a constant problem rather a recurring one which raises its ugly head now and again. I am sure if you asked my husband he would also have some issues with the way i am dealing with this problem and i would hate to think he was being advised to LTB (the female equiv) An open and honest chat with ideas for compromise seems a reasonable rational suggestion. It is important to me that we are both happy in this marriage

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 16:40:54

You seem to have sexual issues of your own as your post reeks of disdain.

I don't have sexual issues of my own as far as I'm aware, with the exception that I'm not here to service anyone. And yes I'm totally disdainful of OP's DH because that's what his behaviour deserves. If you think his behaviour is loving and respectable, your own boundaries could use some redefining.

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 16:41:06

Sorry respectful

TheOriginalLadyFT Thu 13-Dec-12 17:03:27

I've posted about something similar in another thread, and your post has resonance with me, OP

My DH is a wonderful man in many ways, and I love and appreciate him, but I feel as though we have a growing issue about sex. Mine is not due to small children, but I am very busy, plus I have put weight back on that I had lost when I first met him and feel less confident. I also think I just don't want to have sex every night, which I'm pretty sure he would like to do.

My DH doesn't sulk, but I am aware that he feels he's being kept on 'short rations' if he goes more than a few days without. I know I'm risking getting flamed for saying this, but frankly his sex drive appears to be more about a basic physical need, whereas I don't feel that type of need anything like as often. I love sex, but I just don't want it all the time!

I'm not sure what the answer is, as it's something I wrestle with myself - but I've gradually got to the point where I say 'no, not in the mood' and if he chooses to sulk (openly or otherwise) then so be it. I certainly don't see it as a LTB issue (!) and I don't deny that sometimes I have sex when I'm not really in the mood, because I know it makes him happy and he's a good man and I want him to feel loved and valued. It's a tricky subject, and one that I really struggle with when wearing my feminist hat!

WinklyVersusTheZombies Thu 13-Dec-12 17:08:30

How do you feel about the sex that you actually have OP? Is it good, or something to get over and done with?

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 17:16:39

I would never regard the giving or receiving of sexual intimacy as 'servicing' a partner but part and parcel of a loving relationship and as such something willingly participated in.

Once a week doesn't sound like a problem to me! I wouldn't say leave the bastard but I would wonder why he thinks it's ok to sulk and pressure you to do it more when you have such a young child and a toddler.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 17:29:37

I completely understand where you are coming from original lady. Sadly you seem no closer to a solution than i am. Perhaps there isn't one. In answer to the question about enjoyment of sex... i do very much just don't want to as often as dh. I should maybe replace the word 'sulking' with 'displaying obvious dissappointment' as this seems to have given the wrong impression. I'm not here to defend dh as i know with certainty i don't need to as he is a wonderful man with some faults (who hasn't!). I do consider myself to be a feminisy but the militancy of some on mn amazes me. Relationships surely are a two way street!

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 18:17:56

*I would never regard the giving or receiving of sexual intimacy as 'servicing' a partner but part and parcel of a loving relationship and as such *something willingly participated in.

Exactly...

It wouldn't be an LTB for everyone, that's true. It would be for me because I just couldn't visualise 20, 30 years etc having to be a slave to someone else's sex drive. There are peaks and troughs in every relationship sexually. How will your DH fare out OP if you become ill or for some other reason unable to do anything sexually, or even if you go through a period where your sex drive comes to a standstill? Do you think he'll support you in those cases?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 13-Dec-12 18:19:29

When one partner wants to have sex more often than the other, it often becomes a bit of a vicious circle as the more the sex-craving one asks (however politely) the more the less-keen one feels pressured and put off. I do think that the key factor in sorting the problem out is for the more-sex partner to accept completely that no solution is going to involve having sex every single time s/he fancies it. This is a more ethical solution than insisting that the less-sex partner engages in sexual activity that s/he really doesn't want.

Secondly, no one has a real physical need for partnersex. If you are desperate for release, you can give yourself an orgasm, job done. For a lot of nice, non-abusive people, wanting more sex is not just about orgasm, it's about intimacy and feeling valued by your partner, so reassurance and communication and demonstrations that you like and respect and value each other on both sides help keep a relationship running smoothly, particulary when the mismatched sex drive issue is happening while there is a young child in the house and so everyone's tired.

But sulking when you don't get your own way is not attractive, and I'm with the other posters who are gently querying whether the OP's partner expects to get his own way all the time, and will stamp his feet and shit with rage if he doesn't.

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 18:33:11

hell

This is not about gender. These issues are not gender specific.

Slave to someone's sex drive or understanding about a fundamental difference in sex drive?

We have very different views. Sex is not a power play issue for me.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 18:52:45

As far as gently querying is concerned i think i have made it quite clear that my husband is showing his dissappointment but is in no way abusive. Nor does he express his dissappointment with rage or anger. He is in every other respect a kind and loving partner. I don't mean to be rude but i am starting to feel this isn't what people want to hear. Many thanks to those offering constructive solutions and empathy for my situation

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 19:02:40

Sorry that did sound a but rude! Didn't mean it to be. Just want to make it clear that i am in no way being abused nor am i a pushover. This is just one issue in an otherwise happy relationship. I do appreciate all responses

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 13-Dec-12 19:08:09

Your thread title says that you think he is obsessed with sex, and your OP says that nothing is ever enough for him and he sulks if you don't put out.

You had a baby 3 months ago.

It really does sound quite grim.

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 19:16:13

Queenie he sulks when he doesn't get the amount of sex he wants. You mightn't think that's him making her a slave to his sex drive but I do so we can agree to differ there. I'd be miserable if I was with someone like that, especially if we already had a decent sex life, or is once + a week not decent? I don't know any more... I always thought it was pretty good for a couple with small kids, maybe other people don't.. That pressure to perform would be something I couldn't take on board but obviously the OP can handle it, and OP I'm not trying to say he's abusive towards you, I just hope it's a problem you can resolve over the long period that will be your lives together.

Yes agreed, this is not about gender. I'd say the same if the poster were a man.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 19:34:04

I appreciate that a post written in the heat of the moment does sound rather grim. I have tried to explain the situation in further less dramatic detail and have tried to make it clear that my dh is a loving and kind man who admittedly has his faults. I simply wanted to ask for advice on how to deal with a specific relationship problem. Thanks to all who have contributed and shown concern.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 13-Dec-12 20:12:11

Probably the best thing to do at the moment is remind him that your baby is only 3 months old and so it's normal and understandable and reasonable for your libido to be low, but that things will get better soon.

qumquat Thu 13-Dec-12 20:36:04

Tell him that sex once a week 3 months after giving birth is bloody amazing and he is a very lucky man.

sudaname Thu 13-Dec-12 21:42:24

On reading your OP again where you say:

"I am really trying to ensure our sex life remains interesting but I feel as though he is constantly dissatisfied. This makes me feel as though i can't win and that any effort i make leads to him hoping for more."

Sounds as though he is not only unhappy with the frequency but also making you feel as though the sex you do have is not up to his expectations either! Otherwise why all the 'really trying' and 'effort' you obviously feel you have to put in to keep it ' interesting'.

If my DH made me feel like an inadequate performing seal or someone who's just had 'must try harder' written on her school report by her headmaster then l would be concluding my own LTB tbh without even waiting for the mumsnet jury. hmm

MobileDad Thu 13-Dec-12 21:56:11

Sulking is not the right answer but it can be very difficult to understand and accept that a DP / DW is not interested in participating in an enjoyable (we hope), relaxing and intimate activity.

I think communication is the key, he needs to learn that sulking get him nowhere.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 22:29:58

I am sneakily (DH in bath) informing you that a frank and honest chat has been lovely. Dh and i have talked at length about this issue and we both feel a million times better. Time will tell but i am glad we are at least working our way towards improving our communication. Thanks all

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