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It feels like he's obsessed with sex!

(52 Posts)
AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 08:54:38

My husband and i have been together for ten years and married for four. We have 2 dd 3 months and 2.7. We seem to have this ongoing problem with differing sex drives which ends up making us both unhappy. I am really trying to ensure our sex life remains interesting but I feel as though he is constantly dissatisfied. This makes me feel as though i can't win and that any effort i make leads to him hoping for more. He seems to 'sulk' for want of a better word when i don't want to have sex or want to go to bed early. He is an otherwise attentive and lovely husband but we just keep going round in circles trying to solve this problem. I know we can't be alone in this. How do others cope?

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Thu 13-Dec-12 09:53:54

Him sulking when you don't want sex is a horrible thing that permeates all aspects of your relationship IME. You feel guilty for not satisfying him , he banks on this hoping that you will let him do more sex on you to avoid his sulks. It is selfish and manipulative behaviour and is not simply down to mismatched sex drives. He feels entitled to use your body for sex regardless of your feelings.

I don't know how to change this situation, so not much help. The only thing that worked for me was getting rid of my STBXH, becoming a single of parent of 2 in the process, and finding a new man that puts my pleasure and emotional well being on an equal footing with his own. There are some lovely men out there that want women to enjoy sex too and would be horrified at the idea of putting pressure on a woman to put up with sex that she is not actually wanting or enjoying. My BF does not sulk at all if I don't feel like sex. I am amazed how much difference this can make in a realtionship.

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 10:15:47

Wow sorry. I now think i may have made my husband sound much worse than he is. I am in no way thinking of leaving him, nor do i think he is being abusive. I appreciate your response and am pleased you have found yourself in a much happier relationship smile . Ours really is a problem which involves dealing with the unhappiness which can occur for both people with differing sex drives.

WinklyVersusTheZombies Thu 13-Dec-12 10:20:37

How often do you have sex, how often would each of you like it? How long do these sulks last, what is the balance of your relationship like otherwise?

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 10:30:47

It varies. Usually at least once a week. My husband on the whole is lovely. He always thanks me for jobs i do around the house (i am on mat leave) and helps equally, sometimes more, when he gets home. We are still very much in love but are just syruggling with this problem at the moment

drownangels Thu 13-Dec-12 10:36:41

I knew it wouldn't take long before it was implied you were in an abusive relationship!!
The only suprise was it wasn't followed up with a LTB!!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 11:10:16

"He seems to 'sulk' for want of a better word when i don't want to have sex or want to go to bed early. "

You really have to talk about feelings, expectations and responses together. Everyone needs to feel loved and everyone likes affection but the expectations have to be realistic because a good marital sex-life is a two-way street. Sulking is a really childish response and does nothing to make the other partner feel sexually attracted. Any feeling of pressure or obligation also creates an 'edge' that can kill passion.

Those are the kinds of things to talk about... in the cold light of day, not when you're already in bed together!!! A considerate 'lovely' person should be able to compromise

arequipa Thu 13-Dec-12 11:19:34

It goes through different phases over the years.When DCs are v small, mums use loads of emotionall and physical energy on them, not much left for DP....Later in life when kids older, women can find a new enthusiasm for sex and find it's the man who's too tired (esp if men get unfit/work long hours in middleage). It's no-one's fault, just try and be kind to eachother. Sexual frustration can make men and women moody!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 13-Dec-12 11:24:46

Mm. I find that whoever does the night shifts / round the clock childcare is naturally (me!) more tired, and possibly a bit envious of the other's seemingly carefree life. Add sulking or nagging for sex/ house hold chores / money (tick as appropriate) onto this and the partner with the baby is completely put off.

An honest talk is needed. Maybe just as you said in your OP. it is clear and still very loving. Your sex life does not sound unhealthy, esp with little ones all day. It is more the lack of communication.

It may seem like a crazy question though, but is your DP working hard enough. I am not sure this is the right phrase. it is just that most evenings both DH and I feel too tired for sex and in a way I take this as a sign we are both doing our share, as opposed with one partner full of beans / demands and the other prtner exhausted and resentful/depressed.

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 13:46:59

He's getting it at least once a week, which isn't bad for a man with two small kids, so I don't see his problem. He sounds incredibly immature. It may not be an LTB situation for you but it would be for me because I don't think I was put on this earth to own someone's rampant sex drive and put up with their ridiculous sulking when things don't go their way.... and the thoughts of having that in my life longterm is repugnant to me but everyone has different tolerance levels.

I think you should point out to him OP that he doesn't have a bad sex life and maybe to take care of it himself the odd time if he's that desperate?

AnotherGlassPlease Thu 13-Dec-12 14:34:19

LTB??? Thanks for the different advice. It is nice to get the perspectives of others. I agree that our problem is probably communication. Perhaps a long talk about how we are each feeling is in order. I am really surprised that others view this as a potentially abusive situation as it most definitely isn't. Perhaps just one of the challenges a relationship can face when children enter the mix

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 14:41:39

It would also turn me off a person if they sulked when I didn't want sex.

scaevola Thu 13-Dec-12 14:47:14

Does he sulk when he doesn't get his way on issues other than sex? If so, then it's definitely a communication problem. It's easier to sulk than voice disappointment openly.

freeandhappy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:48:37

Your baby is 3 months old? Vaginal delivery? He sounds really loving pestering you for sex confused

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 14:48:56

Please don't dismiss the 'potentially abusive situation' too lightly. Sulking is a very common emotional bullying technique. Using good and bad moods as a way to manipulate and control behaviour i.e. 'If I don't get my own way, I am going to create a miserable atmosphere'.

So just make sure that this 'attentive and lovely' man is not simply attentive and lovely because you never challenge or say no to him. Anyone can be pleasant when they are always indulged.

BelaLugosisShed Thu 13-Dec-12 14:50:03

Sulking for sex when youe wife has not long had a baby is selfish and immature, a lot of people would call it abusive too.
Sex even once a week is something a lot of men with new babies would be ecstatic with, how does he think men who work away from home for weeks/months on end go on, does he think they explode?

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 14:54:36

Well if he is a decent partner in every other sense maybe you could compromise a bit.

Let him know how loved and appreciated he is and that things will get back on a more even keel as the children get older but the sulking is putting you off. He needs to deal with that.

Perhaps you can meet his sexual needs in other ways if you don't want intercourse once you have tackled the sulking- that is so you don't reward this behaviour in your relationship but are accommodating of the fact you have different drives.

freeandhappy Thu 13-Dec-12 14:59:55

O that's a good idea. She could give him nightly blow jobs after getting the toddler to bed and breast feeding the baby. Jesus wept.

GoldenMama Thu 13-Dec-12 15:04:07

Could someone clear up what LTB means please?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:04:26

Leave The Bastard.... smile

GoldenMama Thu 13-Dec-12 15:05:06

OoooOOoo
Thanks

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 15:09:05

Did I say nightly? No. I said compromise. There are two people in this relationship who both matter.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:10:30

Just to clarify... that was in answer to the question rather than an instruction to the OP.

Helltotheno Thu 13-Dec-12 15:15:46

Compromise to what? twice a week to four times? Jack him off when baby diddums gets horny?

I would say OP, expect this to get worse, not better, especially when it sounds as though you've already tried to discuss it with him.

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 15:39:29

hell the issue of compromise is for the O.P and her DH to decide.

You seem to have sexual issues of your own as your post reeks of disdain.

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