Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
partner left me and our 7 month old twins(18 Posts)
My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.
It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).
Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.
He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.
However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).
He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.
I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.
Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.
I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.
Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.
Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?
Do not go for counselling with him. He is awful. Conditions for considering coming home are the sign of a controlling person who wants you to toe their line.
Plan for a life away from him. Ignore his advice on parenting - it's given to make you feel bad rather than to improve life for the children.
Re-read your post and ask yourself what would you advise to someone in this position. Go and spend 30 minutes with a lawyer to find out what you're entitled to.
BTW. Don't expect him to take half the blame, the controlling fuckwit that I was married to still thinks I'm fully to blame despite subjecting me to years of emotional, social and "social" abuse and an a short sharp period of sexual and physical abuse. I do not care what he thinks.
You need to see a Solicitor and go thorough legal channels for your money and to set up visitation, that way you know you'll be getting the right amount and you can stop him steamrolling over you.
Don't even entertain the idea of counseling with him. He's trying to control everything and keep you in line.
Daisy I'm so sorry you're in such a crap situation, you sound really strong and amazingly balanced when faced with such an utter shit head.
I agree, no counselling, it's beyond that, and the conditions are laughable.
Get legal advice ASAP, Don't tell him yet, find out exactly where you stand, no child support my arse.
There will be some much wiser advice to follow, just want to say chin up, you're going to be just fine.
This thread is running elsewhere as well. I think the other one has quite a few more posts.
This man is a controlling, entitled, arse (don't think I have ever called anyone that before ). Don't go to counselling with him as he will turn it all against you and use whatever you say.
He is blaming and controlling you even now he is out of the house.
Please don't accept this blame...sure you will have made mistakes, we all do, we are human, but you have done your best: bet your house is clean enough, your children are well looked after, your finances are not down to you really are they? he will continue to snipe, pick at and demean you.
get him as far out of your life as you reasonably can, get a good lawyer's advice and prepare to live your life your way. it will be much better than with him...and let him find his "ideal woman" if he can...pity the poor girl who he lights upon.
Seriously? He sounds like an absolute arse. I would move somewhere you have friendsand are comfortable and let him get on with making some other poor, unsuspecting female unhappy. Please do not take him back. Get some self respect. I would be thanking my lucky stars that he left and gave you the chance to reclaim your life and your dignity.
He sounds beyond awful. Just read your post again. You have not said anything pleasant about him and his behaviour is terrible.
You do not need to go to counselling with him, he is abussing you financially and emotionally. Counselling will not resolve that.
He sounds like a man who is used to being very much in control and you now have to take some control back.
You need to see a solicitor ASAP and start standing up for yourself and your children. That means getting proper financial support in place, agreement on custody/visiting arrangements and somewhere to live.
As you are the primary carer and he works in the city (long hours I imagine) the children should be spending most of their time with you. Not with his mother or whoever he is using to parent your children. You need to get a solicitor to sort that out for you ASAP.
Good luck x
My God. Your husband sounds appalling, I am so sorry. I had a very similar experience with my now exH when our DC were infants and all I can say is: the sooner you leave him the sooner you can get on with your life.
My exH also works in the City and also earns ££££££. Despite this I have to beg for every penny, to the point where I no longer bother. Our DCs are now old enough to see what their father is and how he can afford 5 holidays a year but "can't afford" to pay for their school trips etc.
You must be under intense pressure, but do not let yourself be bullied by this man. Get some legal advice. It will get better, but not with him. Good luck.
He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years) You couldn't make it up, could you? Wherever did you find this prize
He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already If only this were true it would be reason to rejoice as he'll soon be off your back. Sadly, the reality is that it's highly unlikely any women of sense will be queueing up for his
The only 'ultimatum' you should be giving him is that you intend to continue doing what you do best which is raising dc and you'll be letting the legal system take its course.
Wise up, honey. This man is not essential to your wellbeing. You managed without him before you had the misfortune to meet him and you'll do so again.
All you've got to is to shake him loose much as you would scrape shit from your shoe.
On a more practical note; are you married? Is the mortgage for your home in joint names?
Visit the Women's Aid website www.womensaid.org.uk to source your nearest offices and make contact with them tomorrow. Ask them to recommend a solicitor who specialises in family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consulation. Also ask whether there is a Freedom Programme scheduled to be held at a venue near you in the New Year.
He sounds as a totally disgusting, calculating and manipulating person. I read your post on another thread and think that you start writing down everything he says and have ever said and done. You also mentioned he is reasonable when he writes to you and this is because this will serve as an evidence one day in the court. He will look as a normal person. He is calling you all sorts of names in person or on the phone because he knows you will not record him. So stop talking to him and keep a diary. You do not want him to have a 50/50 custody of your children. I would actually record him for the sake of your children. I would not also allow him to see the kids now. I would be scared. He sounds mental.
Take care of yourself and be a clever girl.
Thank you all for your helpful advice. I've been told exactly the same thing by my friends. I guess I've just been a bit desperate for him to morph into a nice person and step up to his responsibilities.
I stopped crying about him over a week ago, and the house is a lot calmer without him here (and just as tidy!!). It's taken me two months to pull myself together to even start thinking about the future without him, and these comments have helped me tremendously.
I've been looking after the boys when he is supposed to have them so that he can go to football and have nights out with his friends. I agree because I love my babies and want them at home. I am being used in every sense of the word. I've never been this weak before.
I went to see a counsellor who suggested I might be suffering from battered wife syndrome. This situation has been going on way too long, and it's going to take guts to break the cycle, but he just might start of the babies next (he has already discussed expected levels of homework input and discipline and they are only tiny little things).
ssaw2012 - I've decided to try not to actually speak to him, and start communicating via email. I find being called a f@cking prick all the time very upsetting. What kind of man calls a woman a prick? He ends most conversations with 'f@ck off' too, but I have no evidence of this.
Daisy, you are better off with this 'man'. Your babies are your priority and you sound like you are doing a fab job. Go and see a solicitor, many do the first half hour free. And I agree about all communication should be written.
Don't beg him to come home- he should be begging you! Your life will be calmer and richer without him. You just need to sort the practicalities first.
Stay strong xx
He is abusing you.
Keep all evidence of that, get a good solicitor and do everything by the book.
You owe him nothing.
the best thing you can do is get on with your life, he wants to control you and you cant let him, your babies are 9 months old and he wants to talk about discipline, thats not normal, and anybody with twin babies who has a bath once a week is winning in my book, never mind having a clean house. And with his family, I dont really like dh's family, his response is well why would you they are knobs. none of this is normal and you need to seperate yourself from it asap. You are a very strong person, that comes across just from your posts, you will be great, take your babies to the coast and have a lovely life, he will soon lose interest once he realises he cant control you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
honey. you are WELL RID
you will get through this, and you will be happy again
I would start to keep a diary of everything, and be prepared to fight HARD
I cannot see a court giving a m,an that fucks off and leaves his babies 50:50 custody as a starter for ten
he earns good money, more than enough to run 2 houses and support you until they are older
get a GOOD LAWYER
and really, you are well rid. he sounds like a complete and utter cxxx
stay strong, and have hope
Thank god he earns a good salary, noone will starve
AND KEEP A DIARY, have it non emotional; but log every shi9tty thing, every shitty comment, and every time to dumps babies to go on the piss
Great idea to move everything to email. Suggest you set up an email just for that purpose so he doesn't sully your own email address.
Agree with Paris. If it is all done verbally, keep a diary of every interaction and what he said. "good" and bad. If nothing else it will be a reminder in weak moments of what is really going on.
Be strong. This will pass.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.