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It just keeps getting worse . . .

(36 Posts)
diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 22:33:38

I can't actually believe that I am writing this, but I feel alone and so sad. I would be very grateful for any words of wisdom to help me get a grip of myself.

My H left me and our three DCs in April, after making numerous accusations (totally unfounded) that I had deceived him into having a third child and that I had had an affair with our neighbour - both utter rubbish. He had been unloving and unsupportive for months beforehand, and was more absent than ever before. When I asked him, he told me that he did not know if he loved me anymore, and so he finally left, returning at weekends to see the kids. He refused counselling and was clearly very unhappy.

It was hard, but I was moving on and we had managed to agree financial arrangements. I was in the process of remortgaging and transferring the house into my name and I took the DCs away by myself for a fab summer holiday. Then in October he called out of the blue and told me that he wanted to try and make things work, and he wanted to try counselling. We met, and stupidly I agreed. But the reality has been horrendous. He does not want to make things work. He clearly does not love me anymore. He had no intention of making anything up with my family, despite my making it clear that that was an essential first step if we were going to work. We went to counselling, but after the third session he got so angry that he refused to speak to me for a fortnight. I am just so glad that I did not let him move back home at any point.

I have since discovered that he has an Adultwork account and when I asked him about it he lied to me, telling me that it was before we even met - I checked, and the site was not even created until we had been together for several years. I confronted him again, and he has become very angry and refused to discuss it. I have no idea what he has been up to, or even if it is ok that I feel utterly betrayed as I am so confused by it all.

So now I am totally alone again, ten steps behind where I was a few months ago, thinking that I don't think I can do all of this again, get the kids through it again, and terrified that I now need to go for STi checking, and the thought of making it through this Christmas seems totally impossible.

Sorry for garbled post. My head is all over the place and I need to get a grip, can't believe how stupid I have been but need to hold it together for the children.

thewhistler Thu 13-Dec-12 23:22:30

Diamonds, he has probably removed them in the hope you can't access more information about him, as well as being a mean so and so to add to his attributes.

Is your family lovely? It may be a good Christmas if he isn't a source of tension anymore. Your dcs will miss him and may secretly hope he was there, maybe, but the quick clean cut is more sensible, imv.

And I completely agree with others.

You have nor failed.

He has.

It was he who moved out in the first place. You gave him another chance and now you know the what if.

You need to protect yourself and the dcs. You do need to cherish yourself, for them as well as you.

Be strong and of good courage.

Buy yourself a new lipstick in a new colour for the new you.

olgaga Thu 13-Dec-12 21:20:24

diamonds, that compares with another Mumsnetter's XH who walked out with several jars of chutney amongst other things.

Someone ought to start a thread - "What random items did your runaway DH take?"

You haven't failed, you're experiencing grief. As my friend said, "It's like a bereavement, but he's not actually dead".

Come back for hand-holding whenever you need it.

diamondsnotforever Thu 13-Dec-12 18:37:20

Thanks for your posts, they are really helping.

Annie, he took the hosepipe, the garlic press and my lazy corkscrew too!

Oglala and Letscancelchristmas (with you on that one) I don't feel proud, I feel like I've failed at marriage and that really troubles me. But at least I now know without any doubt that it has to be over. Now I just need to get through Christmas . .which I will. I explained today that we could not spend it together so that job done. Ticked off the list x

olgaga Thu 13-Dec-12 11:04:37

I agree with everyone else, you should be really proud of yourself. You've given it your best shot and it's for the best because you would have always wondered if it could work. Now you know exactly what you're dealing with beyond any doubt.

I would decide what you want to do for Christmas, and he can fit in with that. Crack on with the arrangements for finance etc, you may find some info which helps you here.

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 09:34:56

I've been doing something similar, letting myself get into a destructive pattern of taking my husband back because he's "confused". I'm not even 100% sure if I've broken the cycle. It's hard, you sound like you're doing much more sensible things than I have though, you should be proud of the efforts you've made!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 19:37:34

He took both your computers as well? That's the thing I'd find hardest to forgive!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 19:26:19

Beautiful South A Little Time Lyrics
Songwriters: HEATON, PAUL / ROTHERAY, DAVE
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now l've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little...
You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

There you go, OP. Read it and understand why this man has to go, or he will forever take the piss out of you.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 12-Dec-12 19:21:59

The song is the fantastic "A Little Time" by Beautiful South. Very apt.

You will be ok. It is a grief process to work through and you will get there. Make some plans for a good Christmas. Do not include him in your plans.

diamondsnotforever Wed 12-Dec-12 19:00:43

Doing ok, thanks for posts.

Wish I could get link to your music Annie but it won't work for me on my iPad - H has taken laptop and desktop (and a whole host of other really quite irritating things, but that's another matter . . .)

So I just have to work out Christmas plans, whether I need to ask any more questions about Adultwork activities (which will meet with anger and denial and more recriminations, and not answers) or whether I should rise above, and up and up . . .

I guess it is just a grief process for what is not going to be. I never signed up for this . . But I have got dr appt and will get that out of the way, and then just keep moving on. It is ok all the time that I don't have to see him, and I don't have to do that until Sat.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 12-Dec-12 15:53:32

*letsmakecookies" - just laughed regarding the contraceptives... when XH walked out and I packed all his clothes into binbags I chucked all the Durex in. Then I took them back out again. I thought to myself, he is not shagging other people using Durex that I have paid half of hmm. grin

Diamonds - how are you doing today?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 15:33:48

it sure is

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 15:27:22

Any excuse to link it, and this one's more appropriate than most.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 15:22:28

yay, annie !

catsmother Wed 12-Dec-12 10:25:29

No way are you behind. This is a little blip in the rest of your life. As everyone else has said you're actually better off even if you feel let down, angry and disappointed right ATM, because you know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that splitting up and staying split up is the right thing to do whereas before there was always (which is understandable) that little voice wondering if you'd tried hard enough etc. Well, you have, and what's more his grubby online activities also prove you can do much much better than him!

TisILeclerc Wed 12-Dec-12 09:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 09:22:38

You bet your life he wants to come back and have a cosy family Christmas. As soon as the tinsel is packed away he'll "realise" coming back was the mistake and be off again. Then he'll tell everyone he did it for the kids. Who will be even more devastated because of the happy family illusion being shattered again. Nice work, Mr Diamond.

Meanwhile, here's some music.

Letsmakecookies Wed 12-Dec-12 08:25:06

It's not you, it's him.

You have done nothing but act with dignity and respect.

It is now time to move on without him and think of the lovely life you can make for yourself.

He seems like one of those men (not unlike my x) who have a bit of a problem getting in touch with his own feelings. My x loved the idea of being married and having children. He was infatuated with the concept of me as his wife. The reality was he wanted to be single, not be accountable to anyone, to not share, he did not truly love me or family life, just the status he thought it/I/we gave him. He basically was lying to himself. And so his lies to me where big.

When he left, he switched off emotionally. Well, reality was he switched off a long long time before that (but I guess the pretense part stopped). So his behaviour was not accountable to anyone, and hadn't been for many years. It was a selfish side that he had hidden well, because of the need for the illusion of a perfect life. This chaos in his mind made him feel depressed and entitled and the perfect liar.

When he packed his first bag and left, he packed all the contraceptives in the house, as he had totally aligned his mind with he was now free and single, even though I guess I still wanted to work on things or at least end it properly and with dignity (I suppose a divorce, time etc). In retrospect he was single in his mind set a long time before we separated. This just sticks in my mind, I suppose because I can't quite get my mind round the way he was thinking.

The whole 'game' was just mindf*king. Because he was so dishonest with himself and then me, things he would say and ways he would behave were so different. What you were writing, sort of reminded me of him. That your partner is saying he wants to try again, and it is quite obvious that he is lying to himself (and I am sure he is probably not aware of his self deception), as nothing in his behaviour is proving that to you. I don't think any man who is honest in his relationship goes on to adultwork in the middle of it. This is a selfish entitled action, that is destructive.

You are so much better off without him and can rebuild your life and have a much much better one.

Seabright Wed 12-Dec-12 08:05:25

I agree with all the others. You aren't 10 steps back, you are actually ahead. You still have your dignity, you still have your home and children.

What's he got? No dignity, no home and no full-time children. Loser.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 07:32:53

Adultwork is to buy sex from women who sell it. No more, no less. I am sorry. perhaps it's best you don't know all the grubby details as long as you stay steadfast it is over between you.

diamondsnotforever Wed 12-Dec-12 07:16:34

I know, the thought of it is too much some times and one moment I am totally consumed with the need to know what he has been up to, and the next I don't think it really matters. I will never find out, I know that much.

badinage Wed 12-Dec-12 01:15:38

Jesus....so he's been using your money on prostitutes and has been risking your health all this time?

As I was reading through the 'he left me and said he didn't love me' I was waiting for the OW to appear....but this?

Thank Christ you found out why he really left....and why your marriage could never work after you gave it a second chance. You're in a much better position now than you were in the summer, when you didn't know why he'd left.

Get the finances sewn up, because this loser has been pissing your money up the wall for years paying for sex. He'll continue to do so too, so make sure you pin him down to paying you the maintenance you need.

Keep telling yourself that the worst is over, because it is. You could have stayed married to this loser, or forever wondered why he was so unhappy that he left. You could have had years of not having quite enough money and wondering where it was all going. Get him out now without delay.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 11-Dec-12 23:27:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 23:18:50

Ten steps behind? No way, Jose. Alll this has done is put you ahead of the game as you are now in no doubt what manner of man he is and that there's no going back or going forward with him.

Get the essential visit to your nearest GUM clinic out of the way this week and you find you'll go from strength to strength.

You are a strong and confident woman and you'll make Christmas full of joy for your dc - putting their needs before yours is what you do best, isn't it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:12:31

No, he cannot be there for xmas

he goes back to his sad single life now

he wanted it that badly...he should have it even though it has lost it's shine for him

not enough to make him work for your marriage though, eh

diddums

diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 23:08:38

Thanks for the replies, it helps. And it is so true that I would probably always have wondered "what if . .. ." and at least now I know. So small steps. He wants to be here for Christmas - I have to tell him no, I know that, but I just wanted to be so much further forward than I am right now. But I will be . . . My DCs are everything and all that matter really.

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