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It just keeps getting worse . . .

(36 Posts)
diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 22:33:38

I can't actually believe that I am writing this, but I feel alone and so sad. I would be very grateful for any words of wisdom to help me get a grip of myself.

My H left me and our three DCs in April, after making numerous accusations (totally unfounded) that I had deceived him into having a third child and that I had had an affair with our neighbour - both utter rubbish. He had been unloving and unsupportive for months beforehand, and was more absent than ever before. When I asked him, he told me that he did not know if he loved me anymore, and so he finally left, returning at weekends to see the kids. He refused counselling and was clearly very unhappy.

It was hard, but I was moving on and we had managed to agree financial arrangements. I was in the process of remortgaging and transferring the house into my name and I took the DCs away by myself for a fab summer holiday. Then in October he called out of the blue and told me that he wanted to try and make things work, and he wanted to try counselling. We met, and stupidly I agreed. But the reality has been horrendous. He does not want to make things work. He clearly does not love me anymore. He had no intention of making anything up with my family, despite my making it clear that that was an essential first step if we were going to work. We went to counselling, but after the third session he got so angry that he refused to speak to me for a fortnight. I am just so glad that I did not let him move back home at any point.

I have since discovered that he has an Adultwork account and when I asked him about it he lied to me, telling me that it was before we even met - I checked, and the site was not even created until we had been together for several years. I confronted him again, and he has become very angry and refused to discuss it. I have no idea what he has been up to, or even if it is ok that I feel utterly betrayed as I am so confused by it all.

So now I am totally alone again, ten steps behind where I was a few months ago, thinking that I don't think I can do all of this again, get the kids through it again, and terrified that I now need to go for STi checking, and the thought of making it through this Christmas seems totally impossible.

Sorry for garbled post. My head is all over the place and I need to get a grip, can't believe how stupid I have been but need to hold it together for the children.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 15:33:48

it sure is

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 12-Dec-12 15:53:32

*letsmakecookies" - just laughed regarding the contraceptives... when XH walked out and I packed all his clothes into binbags I chucked all the Durex in. Then I took them back out again. I thought to myself, he is not shagging other people using Durex that I have paid half of hmm. grin

Diamonds - how are you doing today?

diamondsnotforever Wed 12-Dec-12 19:00:43

Doing ok, thanks for posts.

Wish I could get link to your music Annie but it won't work for me on my iPad - H has taken laptop and desktop (and a whole host of other really quite irritating things, but that's another matter . . .)

So I just have to work out Christmas plans, whether I need to ask any more questions about Adultwork activities (which will meet with anger and denial and more recriminations, and not answers) or whether I should rise above, and up and up . . .

I guess it is just a grief process for what is not going to be. I never signed up for this . . But I have got dr appt and will get that out of the way, and then just keep moving on. It is ok all the time that I don't have to see him, and I don't have to do that until Sat.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 12-Dec-12 19:21:59

The song is the fantastic "A Little Time" by Beautiful South. Very apt.

You will be ok. It is a grief process to work through and you will get there. Make some plans for a good Christmas. Do not include him in your plans.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 19:26:19

Beautiful South A Little Time Lyrics
Songwriters: HEATON, PAUL / ROTHERAY, DAVE
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now l've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little...
You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

There you go, OP. Read it and understand why this man has to go, or he will forever take the piss out of you.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 19:37:34

He took both your computers as well? That's the thing I'd find hardest to forgive!

LetsCancelChristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 09:34:56

I've been doing something similar, letting myself get into a destructive pattern of taking my husband back because he's "confused". I'm not even 100% sure if I've broken the cycle. It's hard, you sound like you're doing much more sensible things than I have though, you should be proud of the efforts you've made!

olgaga Thu 13-Dec-12 11:04:37

I agree with everyone else, you should be really proud of yourself. You've given it your best shot and it's for the best because you would have always wondered if it could work. Now you know exactly what you're dealing with beyond any doubt.

I would decide what you want to do for Christmas, and he can fit in with that. Crack on with the arrangements for finance etc, you may find some info which helps you here.

diamondsnotforever Thu 13-Dec-12 18:37:20

Thanks for your posts, they are really helping.

Annie, he took the hosepipe, the garlic press and my lazy corkscrew too!

Oglala and Letscancelchristmas (with you on that one) I don't feel proud, I feel like I've failed at marriage and that really troubles me. But at least I now know without any doubt that it has to be over. Now I just need to get through Christmas . .which I will. I explained today that we could not spend it together so that job done. Ticked off the list x

olgaga Thu 13-Dec-12 21:20:24

diamonds, that compares with another Mumsnetter's XH who walked out with several jars of chutney amongst other things.

Someone ought to start a thread - "What random items did your runaway DH take?"

You haven't failed, you're experiencing grief. As my friend said, "It's like a bereavement, but he's not actually dead".

Come back for hand-holding whenever you need it.

thewhistler Thu 13-Dec-12 23:22:30

Diamonds, he has probably removed them in the hope you can't access more information about him, as well as being a mean so and so to add to his attributes.

Is your family lovely? It may be a good Christmas if he isn't a source of tension anymore. Your dcs will miss him and may secretly hope he was there, maybe, but the quick clean cut is more sensible, imv.

And I completely agree with others.

You have nor failed.

He has.

It was he who moved out in the first place. You gave him another chance and now you know the what if.

You need to protect yourself and the dcs. You do need to cherish yourself, for them as well as you.

Be strong and of good courage.

Buy yourself a new lipstick in a new colour for the new you.

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