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It just keeps getting worse . . .

(36 Posts)
diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 22:33:38

I can't actually believe that I am writing this, but I feel alone and so sad. I would be very grateful for any words of wisdom to help me get a grip of myself.

My H left me and our three DCs in April, after making numerous accusations (totally unfounded) that I had deceived him into having a third child and that I had had an affair with our neighbour - both utter rubbish. He had been unloving and unsupportive for months beforehand, and was more absent than ever before. When I asked him, he told me that he did not know if he loved me anymore, and so he finally left, returning at weekends to see the kids. He refused counselling and was clearly very unhappy.

It was hard, but I was moving on and we had managed to agree financial arrangements. I was in the process of remortgaging and transferring the house into my name and I took the DCs away by myself for a fab summer holiday. Then in October he called out of the blue and told me that he wanted to try and make things work, and he wanted to try counselling. We met, and stupidly I agreed. But the reality has been horrendous. He does not want to make things work. He clearly does not love me anymore. He had no intention of making anything up with my family, despite my making it clear that that was an essential first step if we were going to work. We went to counselling, but after the third session he got so angry that he refused to speak to me for a fortnight. I am just so glad that I did not let him move back home at any point.

I have since discovered that he has an Adultwork account and when I asked him about it he lied to me, telling me that it was before we even met - I checked, and the site was not even created until we had been together for several years. I confronted him again, and he has become very angry and refused to discuss it. I have no idea what he has been up to, or even if it is ok that I feel utterly betrayed as I am so confused by it all.

So now I am totally alone again, ten steps behind where I was a few months ago, thinking that I don't think I can do all of this again, get the kids through it again, and terrified that I now need to go for STi checking, and the thought of making it through this Christmas seems totally impossible.

Sorry for garbled post. My head is all over the place and I need to get a grip, can't believe how stupid I have been but need to hold it together for the children.

thewhistler Tue 11-Dec-12 22:45:07

Don't have much advice save that your head sounds eminently sensible and listen to it, not him. Protect yourself and the dcs.

It will be hard but worth it, from what you say.

Doha Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:19

Well YOU gave it your best shot and he so clearly did not. Perhaps Adultworld and the single life was not all that he thought it was. You were better than nothing and he didnt want to be there really.
Sorry that sounded harsh but yes you tried and you deserve praise for that but this relationship is dead in the water.
However you can get through this and you will get through it as you did before--only this time you know it is over and you have moved on. You won't be swayed again and you can't be blamed for trying.
You have your DC's he has nothing. Gather your strength and gain support again from your RL friends and family.
I would go for an STI check if only to give yourself piece of mind, their is no shame doing this on you, this is not your fault, He should be hanging his head but he hasn't got the balls to do that.
I hope you have a good xmas and he has a horrible lonely one just him and his computer

diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:52

Thank you Whistler. Think I would just like to feel one emotion at a time, rather than this. We will be ok - I just feel cross with myself, and I wish I could feel angry with him instead.

diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:34

Sorry, cross post. You just made me smile Doha. Thanks x

TisILeclerc Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 23:00:21

I think you did what a lot of people would have done, better the devil you know.... And when you have kids you want to make it work.

Don't feel daft, at least you tried and can now be sure that there was nothing more that you could do to save the marriage...

Hold your head up high, sort out the things that need sorting, like finances , kids, STI tests if you need them, and then focus on how you and the kids can have a good Christmas.

freeandhappy Tue 11-Dec-12 23:02:40

It will get easier. You've done it once you'll do it again. You will find the strength. Women are great. You'll feel a bit better soon an a lot better in a while. I feel for you. I have been where you are but now it's all ok. One foot in front of the other for now.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:05:07

Shagging around not so much fun for him then ?

or OW kicked him into touch ?

spent all his money paying for sex and missed his home comforts ?

You tried. It was never going to work. Get yourself a full STI check (including HIV, sorry), never touch him with a bargepole again and get on with your life.

I am very sorry, but this is not a good man.

RogueEmployee Tue 11-Dec-12 23:07:13

You aren't ten steps behind, you know more than you did last time and can now get angry and get rid. Good luck.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 23:07:47

That was your husband and father of your children, saying that leaving was a mistake and he wanted to come back and make things work. Of course you wanted to give him a chance. We all know that good people can do bad things at times and are also capable of redeeming themselves, and this is a man you loved a lot once. So it wasn't stupid at all to let him try (although I notice you were sensible enough not to let him just move back in as though nothing had happened). But now he's blown that chance sky-high, so if you let him back again, now that would be stupid.

diamondsnotforever Tue 11-Dec-12 23:08:38

Thanks for the replies, it helps. And it is so true that I would probably always have wondered "what if . .. ." and at least now I know. So small steps. He wants to be here for Christmas - I have to tell him no, I know that, but I just wanted to be so much further forward than I am right now. But I will be . . . My DCs are everything and all that matter really.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:12:31

No, he cannot be there for xmas

he goes back to his sad single life now

he wanted it that badly...he should have it even though it has lost it's shine for him

not enough to make him work for your marriage though, eh

diddums

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 23:18:50

Ten steps behind? No way, Jose. Alll this has done is put you ahead of the game as you are now in no doubt what manner of man he is and that there's no going back or going forward with him.

Get the essential visit to your nearest GUM clinic out of the way this week and you find you'll go from strength to strength.

You are a strong and confident woman and you'll make Christmas full of joy for your dc - putting their needs before yours is what you do best, isn't it?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 11-Dec-12 23:27:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Wed 12-Dec-12 01:15:38

Jesus....so he's been using your money on prostitutes and has been risking your health all this time?

As I was reading through the 'he left me and said he didn't love me' I was waiting for the OW to appear....but this?

Thank Christ you found out why he really left....and why your marriage could never work after you gave it a second chance. You're in a much better position now than you were in the summer, when you didn't know why he'd left.

Get the finances sewn up, because this loser has been pissing your money up the wall for years paying for sex. He'll continue to do so too, so make sure you pin him down to paying you the maintenance you need.

Keep telling yourself that the worst is over, because it is. You could have stayed married to this loser, or forever wondered why he was so unhappy that he left. You could have had years of not having quite enough money and wondering where it was all going. Get him out now without delay.

diamondsnotforever Wed 12-Dec-12 07:16:34

I know, the thought of it is too much some times and one moment I am totally consumed with the need to know what he has been up to, and the next I don't think it really matters. I will never find out, I know that much.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 07:32:53

Adultwork is to buy sex from women who sell it. No more, no less. I am sorry. perhaps it's best you don't know all the grubby details as long as you stay steadfast it is over between you.

Seabright Wed 12-Dec-12 08:05:25

I agree with all the others. You aren't 10 steps back, you are actually ahead. You still have your dignity, you still have your home and children.

What's he got? No dignity, no home and no full-time children. Loser.

Letsmakecookies Wed 12-Dec-12 08:25:06

It's not you, it's him.

You have done nothing but act with dignity and respect.

It is now time to move on without him and think of the lovely life you can make for yourself.

He seems like one of those men (not unlike my x) who have a bit of a problem getting in touch with his own feelings. My x loved the idea of being married and having children. He was infatuated with the concept of me as his wife. The reality was he wanted to be single, not be accountable to anyone, to not share, he did not truly love me or family life, just the status he thought it/I/we gave him. He basically was lying to himself. And so his lies to me where big.

When he left, he switched off emotionally. Well, reality was he switched off a long long time before that (but I guess the pretense part stopped). So his behaviour was not accountable to anyone, and hadn't been for many years. It was a selfish side that he had hidden well, because of the need for the illusion of a perfect life. This chaos in his mind made him feel depressed and entitled and the perfect liar.

When he packed his first bag and left, he packed all the contraceptives in the house, as he had totally aligned his mind with he was now free and single, even though I guess I still wanted to work on things or at least end it properly and with dignity (I suppose a divorce, time etc). In retrospect he was single in his mind set a long time before we separated. This just sticks in my mind, I suppose because I can't quite get my mind round the way he was thinking.

The whole 'game' was just mindf*king. Because he was so dishonest with himself and then me, things he would say and ways he would behave were so different. What you were writing, sort of reminded me of him. That your partner is saying he wants to try again, and it is quite obvious that he is lying to himself (and I am sure he is probably not aware of his self deception), as nothing in his behaviour is proving that to you. I don't think any man who is honest in his relationship goes on to adultwork in the middle of it. This is a selfish entitled action, that is destructive.

You are so much better off without him and can rebuild your life and have a much much better one.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 09:22:38

You bet your life he wants to come back and have a cosy family Christmas. As soon as the tinsel is packed away he'll "realise" coming back was the mistake and be off again. Then he'll tell everyone he did it for the kids. Who will be even more devastated because of the happy family illusion being shattered again. Nice work, Mr Diamond.

Meanwhile, here's some music.

TisILeclerc Wed 12-Dec-12 09:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother Wed 12-Dec-12 10:25:29

No way are you behind. This is a little blip in the rest of your life. As everyone else has said you're actually better off even if you feel let down, angry and disappointed right ATM, because you know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that splitting up and staying split up is the right thing to do whereas before there was always (which is understandable) that little voice wondering if you'd tried hard enough etc. Well, you have, and what's more his grubby online activities also prove you can do much much better than him!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 15:22:28

yay, annie !

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 15:27:22

Any excuse to link it, and this one's more appropriate than most.

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