Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

raspberyfool Sun 07-Apr-13 21:54:56

Skye keep posting. I spent quite a few months having roundabout emotions. One time i don't care and the next time Im in tears about what should have been.anniversaries are hard as they open old wounds.
Have faith that it does get better but it has to be at your own pace .Mine happened one weekend when i had a moment of real happiness with my dc. Nothing major just all three of us laughing over a stupid noise my 1 year old was making. Since then i have been happy as i love my family just me and the dc .
You will get there too. Keep going and you will come out the otherside.

AntsMarching Sun 07-Apr-13 22:17:01

skye I want to tell you my story.

My exDP and I were so very happy, we lived together although we had no children. Then one day he said all the fun had went out of our relationship and how had I not noticed. We had a long talk but I was completely blind-sided. I had thought everything was going really well, I was devastated that I hadn't noticed his feelings had changed. We spent the next six months miserable, me trying to be superwoman to make him happy and him just not happy.

So he moved out, I was heartbroken. He came back and then decided it still wasn't for him, giving me a litany of reasons of why it was my fault.

He left again. I spent a lot of time talking to my friends about the relationship, my hurt, etc. one day I said, "I just want to be past all this, meet someone and be settled." And my friend said, "There's no guarantee that will happen." It was like a slap in the face. I couldn't believe she was saying I might be alone all my life.

But that statement worked on me and I eventually realised she was right. There was no guarantee that I'd get a happy ending of husband, children, etc (because that was what I pictured as settled). When I realised this, it spurred me to sort out my life for me, to get doing things that would make me happy now and in the future. I wanted to find ways to be fulfilled in case my life didnt take the husband/kids route. And that's what I did.

Along the way, exDP came back one more time. The last time, he cheated on me. I'll never forget finding out and the "talk" we had. There as my heart was breaking, his eyes were completely dead, no emotion whatsoever.

For whatever reason, he'd stopped caring about me. Maybe it was something I'd done, maybe it wasn't. But I learned trying to figure out why made me crazy, so I banned myself from thinking about him. There were loads of ways I could have found out what he was doing, but I refused to go down those roads.

And it took time, but eventually I stopped caring what he was doing and with whom. I don't care now. I don't wish him well, but I don't wish him ill, I just don't think of him any longer.

I hope you can find a way to not think of your ex. It doesn't matter why he left, it doesn't matter what happens to him in his business or relationships. All that matters is that he keep a relationship with mini-Skye.

Have a think Skye. What interests you? Would you like to take a photography course so that you can take fabulous pictures of MS when you're off on holiday? Would you like to learn a new language? These things can be done through distance learning, so makes no difference tat you're very rural. Really think about you and where you'd like to see your life go and then work out how to make it happen.

You don't have to give up on ever meeting anyone, you just need to not make that your end goal because it isn't some thing you have any control over.

tribpot Sun 07-Apr-13 22:20:10

The last thing you need to worry about is that he left 'because of you'. He's been leaving things his entire adult life, just as soon as he feels challenged by them. You couldn't change him; that is not your failure.

Hope you can find a way past this very difficult and painful set of emotions.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 07-Apr-13 23:17:03

Just caught up with this thread, some thought provoking observations before tempers rose.

Skye unless MNHQ say otherwise, post where you like, how much you want, whenever you like. If it infuriates posters, they can press the Hide option. If you mull over what's been said, reflect and agree with it, come back. If you don't want to give any of this a second thought, ignore it.

Traffic is high in this section, if you go elsewhere there won't be as frequent input.

BadLad Mon 08-Apr-13 02:01:24

Nobody said anything even remotely resembling the thought that Sky shouldn't be able to post if she wanted to.

cenicienta Mon 08-Apr-13 02:54:31

Skye, I sense 2 things from your posts

1) That you feel stuck, and I think this is because you feel totally out of control! There's absolutely nothing you can do to change the way exh now feels about you, and that has you spinning round in circles. You divorced him quickly, as a way of trying to get back some control, but ultimately you're left with all these feelings for him that you really don't want to have and you just can't move past that.

I think once you're able to move beyond that, things WILL definitely get easier, though I sympathise with you as I know it's not always easy to just stop feelings. It can become overwhelming, I know!

2) In my work I see a lot of people and families living in what many people would consider to be less than desirable circumstances; homes that might not be considered "clean", lifestyles that from the outside look difficult. Often outsiders come in and try to help these people to "sort themselves out", cleaning up the house, bringing in new equipment to make life easier etc.

But you know what? 6 months down the line these families are often back where they started... why? Because they were actually content with things the way they were! There was no real desire to change. They were really quite happy in the first place! It was someone else's vision for change and never their own!

When you talk about your exh it seems like he lived a certain life before he met you (in debt, irresponsible..). You helped him out of all that but maybe, despite him claiming otherwise, he never actually WANTED to change. That could be why he eventually saw you as controlling, and why he has gone right back to where he was before. Maybe he actually feels more secure in the disorder and chaos!

If this IS true then you were always going to be functioning on a completely different level to him. He might have thought he wanted what you were offering but actually he didn't at all. So it was never going to work out long term.

That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make any of this your fault. You are an organised, capable person who did what anyone would have done in the circumstances. Unfortunately it looks like he wasn't and just couldn't cope with responsibility!

If you can accept this, maybe it will help you to stop going round in circles.

drasticpark Mon 08-Apr-13 08:40:25

Cenicienta, exactly. Some people are just very content with seemingly so little. Who is anybody else to judge?

Skye, I hope you feel able to do what you want to do re. posting. I know you feel under attack. One day, you will realise that all the angsting about your ex is pointless and boring because he will never change.

When I was vulnerable I found reading some of the threads in Relationships very distressing. The raw pain of a poster discovering her partner's infidelity was simply too much for me. I had a break for a few weeks and felt much more positive. Just saying what helped me.

DaemonPantalaemon Mon 08-Apr-13 13:10:42

Skye,

I am one of the people you have invited to leave, so this will be my last post on your thread. I wish you the very best of luck, but I am sorry to say that for as long as you:

1) keep obsessing over your XH,

2) refuse to accept that even if his life is not how you would want to live yours, he is happy enough in his new life not to want to come back to you,

3) keep moaning about how you hate to be single and you want to be a couple, and

4) keep refusing to see that the bitterness and anger that you reveal in EVERY post here will ultimately affect your daughter,

you will never get over your divorce.

But perhaps this is the way you want it, in the absence of other things, resentment can become a crutch and hating can replace loving as the reason for being.

One thing I know for sure. Unless you address the issues above and attend to the excellent advice so many people have given you, you will continue to be very bitter, and you will still be posting here, one year from now, two years from now. Even five years from now.

I know you want to be a couple again, but as sure as pigs don't fly, you will not meet anyone else if this continues. Laugh and the world laughs with you, said the poet, weep and you weep alone. Bitterness is not an attractive quality.

I wish you happiness, dear Skye, and joy and all good things. But they will not come to you if you stay in this state.

Best wishes to you.

InitForTheCake Mon 08-Apr-13 14:06:37

Hi Skye.
I have followed your heart breaking story from the beginning and hope you don't mind if I add some advice based on my own experience.
I have been so sorry to see how much pain your ex caused you and how he has acted in the past year. It seems to me that he is incapable of taking anybody but his own feelings into account.

I agree with what others have said about you having difficulties moving on and being too wrapped up in what he does and who he does it with.
I know only too well what it feels like because when my ex left me I was exactly the same. I was locked in a paralyzed state of hurt, betrayal, shock and disbelief. I was rendered stunned by a massive state of unfairness. How on earth could he treat me so badly and not get his comeuppance, never mind not feel remotely bad about it?

Skye do you know how long I was in that state? 6 years! I allowed my life to pause for 6 years while I become bitter, boring, older, meaner and a totally different person. I don't know if I would have ever shaken myself out it, if not for a friend.

After a night out where she had introduced me to college friends she came over and told me that she no longer liked me. She said her friends described me as 'the one whose husband left decades ago....'. Can you imagine? Not the tall one, or the dark haired one…my defining characteristic was I was a bitter dumpee. She told me in no uncertain terms that the person I used to be; the one with interests, wit, fun, a personality had instead been replaced with a cardboard cut-out of a woman and I kept playing this stupid one dimensional character over and and over. She didn't like who I had become.

It was so hard to hear. I was heartbroken all over again. But she was right. She was completely right. And for her to say that to me was so brave of her and I can’t thank her enough. I finally stopped and took a look at myself and I did not like what I saw.

I had to change. I can't change my ex. I can't change what he did. I can't change the way that he has twisted reality to make it more palatable to himself and others. I can't change that he is a crap dad to our DCs. I can't change what he does when our DC visit him. I can't change that not only has he not got his comeuppance but he is blissfully happy with OW and their DCs. I can’t change that they moved in 2 minutes away from me. I can’t change that I meet OW at school/shops/gym/village. All I can change is how I react to it. I have to accept it. I don't have to like it, but no amount of wailing and bemoaning will change it. So I either live a happy life regardless or live a miserable life defined by it.

6 years. My ex was responsible for the first miserable year, I was responsible for the next 5.

I don’t think you are as twisted by it all as I was. But I am afraid for you because I got worse over time not better. Only because I allowed myself to though. You say you are moving on but can I just point out that:

Do you realise how often you post about being out and talking to friends or new people or even clients about the whole breakup story. I sometimes wonder if you say ‘Hi I am Skye, My Ex was sending over 100 texts a day…..’ I’m not trying to hurt you and wow it’s been such a hard year for you I can totally understand why…but the fact that this happened to you is not your most defining feature. You are bright, you are funny, you have a great personality, you own and run a successful business, you have a beautiful DD, you have great friends and family…..how about this year that the new people you meet do not think of you as Skye who was left by DH , but as Skye a smart, strong , interesting woman. Would it be so bad if they only found out about this way after the got to know YOU?

I know this thread is here for you to receive support on dealing with this but do you realize how much time you spend wondering about his activities? his business? his friends? What his reactions to situations will be? Do you see how often you plan your life, not just to accommodate access, but to get a reaction from him?

You say you are not trying to control him and not trying to get a reaction from him but then you post “(It probably won't come to me having to go in, but if it doesn't clear up soon, it is a possibility. As I am allergic to penicillin, the next best drug I can have after clarythramycin is antibiotics by IV. They have threatened it before but it has never actually happened, so fingers crossed). I am just trying to give XH something to think about....”

You say you are not obsessing but yet you are still checking facebook.

Skye…wonderful, smart, funny, brave, strong Skye……look at what you are doing.

Do you know how often he thinks of you? Based on what you’ve posted I am thinking - never. You don’t feature in his thought process anymore. I’m sorry and it’s painful but you need to understand this in order to move on. He should no longer register to you in the same way that you currently do not register with him. That’s the aim.

In March after you had your accident you were talking about that experience in the context of how he reacted to it…and you said that he didn't text to see how you were but he had texted after the cat died. You said “Says it all really doesn't it.” And Yes It Does. Horrible as it may be to hear you have to finally accept he doesn't love you, he does not care one iota about you or your day. He is not going to change. I’m sorry that this is the way it is but the sooner you realize this the sooner you can move on. Although it is painful and brutal to hear the advice you are getting here is fantastic and it is exactly what you need to hear….even if it is really difficult.

This is the start of a new year. A year since that excuse for a human being shattered your heart. You have grieved hard for a year. Now it’s time to rebuild. Time to move forward with the wonderful life that’s there for living. You give the most amazing advice on other threads. You deserve the same peace you suggest for others.

Let this be your year…forget about EX. He is history. It doesn't matter if he loses everything or wins millions. It doesn't matter if he and OW finally come out into the open, or he elopes with a 21 year old man. It doesn't matter if he is best dad in the world, or his usual thoughtless stupid self….if mini Skye has you, she will be more than fine.

It’s not easy but one method I used to help me finally finally break the habit of worrying so much about my ExH life was to imagine my brain as a TV…whenever he popped in there I’d change the channel. It takes practice but in a surprisingly short space of time….it worked. He is not a dot in my life. And it’s unbelievable to think I can now bump into him and OW and hours later realize to my astonishment…hey that didn't bother me. I’m not going to be inviting them over to tea anytime, they are still toxic, but their toxins no longer affect me.

And the experience I went through does not define me. I have to tell you the sense of freedom from all the bitterness and pain and hate is overwhelming. It’s liberating and wonderful.

Please please don’t wait as long as I did to discover it. If I wasn't so determined not to let any of it impact me in anyway ever again….that 6 years would be my biggest regret…not the breakup.

Good luck with the year ahead. You are stubborn and determined as anyone I have met. If you make the decision to live for you….then I have no doubt you’ll find wonderful happiness.
Sorry for the long post.

lemonstartree Mon 08-Apr-13 15:27:26

I'm another one who is being asked to go. And I will

I could not agree more with the last two posters. That's all I have been trying to say.

Sadly I don't think Skye WANTS to move on, and unless she does she won't. That's it really.

All this defensive posturing and describing everything she did for him and how his life is shit etc etc etc at infinitum. It will only change when you decide to stop being the victim and stop STOP defining yourself as the 'wronged' wife with a 'ruined life' . Some posters on here have lost their children to illness or accident; some posters children have been maimed in horrific accidents.... try to get a sense of perspective.

ho hum

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 15:27:32

I wasn't going to put any more on this thread but would like to thank init for sharing her story. No, I don't want to be you and I don't intend to be you. I don't hold grudges, I am not that sort of person, and I have seen my mother eaten up by bitterness over the years over family stuff, but I know that I will get there in my own time. My friend is still very bitter even three years later and with a new man. My aunt was left by her first H when their DS was in hospital. He treated her like shit, never paid any money to her, kicked her out of her home. She held that bitterness for over 40 years and I can understand why, but I do not intend to be that person.

FWIW, I don't introduce myself to everybody and tell them my story. I live in a small village in a rural area very close to where I grew up, where my parents still live and know a lot of people and therefore people know me for miles around and they know what happened to me. It is an unusual story, there aren't many men around here who just walked out with no warning. If I bump into people that I havent seen for months and they ask me what happened, I tell them. I don't go around telling everybody that I meet. If somebody new asks about my husband or whatever, I say that I got divorced last year after he walked out and I leave it at that. If they want to know more then I tell them a bit more about how suddenly he left and OW etc.

When he left, everybody knew how destroyed I was. Before I went on the anti D's I was crying all the time, at the school gate, at toddlers, at work. This is why clients, friends, everybody knows about it, because they were all there when it first happened and I struggled on going to work and explained why I was upset yet still doing my best to work, even though I just wanted to get into bed and stay there and never get out ever again.

Everybody round here was so shocked as he was the "loving kind family man", that there was a massive sense of disbelief from everybody that he could do such a thing when we never had any marital problems. and everybody knew how much he loved his DD after thinking that he would never have children. So it came as a huge shock to all friends, family and acquaintances.

also, I havent checked facebook for months, XH, OW and her H are all blocked as are most of his family. I checked once recently through a different account to see if OW had changed her hair colour because of something I was told and that was it.

and again - when I said I wanted to give XH something to think about when my leg was bad, I meant in relation to DD. That if anything happens to me, then he is her other parent and he should look after her. It is his responsibility, not anybody elses, that what I wanted him to realise. It was not about attention seeking for me being ill.

The leg is still bad, it is spreading and I could still yet end up in hospital. I don't want his concern or sympathy, I want him to look after his DD.

anyway, thanks for the post, it did mean a lot to read it and I know that I am not going to be that person.

Like I have tried to explain before, just because I post stuff on here, it doesnt mean that I am obsessing about it all the time in RL. This place was to get it off my chest and then forget about it.
Instead, people twist what I say, they go on at me for not moving on at a pace that they would like, and then I end up responding because I wont have people putting stuff on here that simply isnt true.

Although I hate the person he is now, I also still love the man that he used to be. I miss that man. I care about that man. It is hard to separate the two, but I am getting there. I cannot continue to care for a man who no longer cares for me. He has wiped me out of his life and that is that. He is lucky that he is cold and callous enough to be able to do that.

I don't discuss it with my friends any more, except when he pisses me off about DD and then it is usually because it has ruined my plans in some way. I go out on a night out and I dont even think about it or talk about it. If I do start to talk about it, which isn't very often, my friends are very good at saying, OK, I know how you feel, but lets not think about that now.

but I am sick of having to explain myself over and over when people misunderstand me, I end up going over things again, just to try and explain myself or the situation, so that is why I am not going to post on here any more.

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 15:36:22

lemon believe me, I know what shit life can throw at you. In my life I have:

lost a 3 year old cousin in a fire when I was 17

lost a 28 year old cousins wife in an asthma attack, leaving behind a toddler and a baby

a close friend hung himself when he was 15

OW had a stillborn baby

my cousin has had several miscarriages.

I watched my aunt die of cancer over 12 months, just after my grandmother and my uncle died

another close friend lost her brother to cancer over the space of months.

so I have had more than my fair share of life being a bitch.

so yes I do have a perspective, but grief is individual to each person and just because other people have terrible problems in their life, it doesnt change the problems in mine. Because of the way that my XH left so suddenly, I have really grieved for him as if he had died. I have said repeatedly that I have a lot to be thankful for and I do.

there is no hierarchy in grief. we all grieve for our own problems in our own ways. I haven't held a gun to anyone's head and insisted that they read my thread.

and that really is it.

Midwife99 Mon 08-Apr-13 16:37:42

I am one of the original "bullies" who left your thread a few months ago because "you did not agree with me".

Just to clarify, the reason I left here & unfriended & blocked you on Facebook is because you were hijacking mine & our mutual friends' posts to talk about ex & "ow" constantly, I hated seeing your public nasty posts on your Facebook wall about your ex & I felt uncomfortable being associated with you. You told us things privately you haven't admitted to on here & which contradicted your posts here completely. It was not because I'm a "bully" or "wouldn't leave you alone" Quite the reverse.

Anyone who disagrees with you is classed a bully <glad it's not just me then> & if they point out your contradictions or negative behaviour are just being "nasty".

I like everyone else I really do wish you happiness for the future but we can't all be wrong that it won't happen like this. sad

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 16:58:42

Midwife - I did not hijack posts constantly, we all talked about our own problems in our group. On that particular post when you blocked me, I was joking, the OP took it as such as I discussed it with her. Just because you think I should talk to my XH, doesn't mean that I have to.

I put one or two things on facebook about XH, a long time ago, none recently.

I am sure that a lot of people say things in private that they dont say on Mumsnet. Sometimes you need to keep a little bit back, or you know that certain people will just jump on it. Sometimes I present a brave face to the world on facebook, while coming here to vent so that I don't put it on facebook........

I remember you saying yourself why you did not post on here again after something happened in your life, because you knew that certain people would slate you for it and you didn't want the hassle, so you do know what it is like.

You put a really nasty thing about me on somebody else's thread which was uncalled for and untrue about my "obsession with my fantasy as to why my XH left" I have never ever made a personal attack on you. I tried to support you through your posts on our facebook group, through your many problems.

We are very different people, that is all. I just want to live and let live. There is no need to comment on each others threads or to make nasty comments.

I keep saying that is it, but yet again have had to defend myself.

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:37

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:46

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:49

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:51

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:54

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:05:57

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:00

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:03

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:06

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:08

..

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:11

..

This thread is not accepting new messages.