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Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

skyebluesapphire Mon 01-Apr-13 21:41:30

I just found the post and can see its misleading. I should have put , so should I have just text him and say I want her back at X time. I didnt actually mean 4pm. It was just a time picked. I wanted her back at five so when i hadnt heard by four I texted him to say I would be at farm after five and stuck to that.

skyebluesapphire Mon 01-Apr-13 21:50:15

Yes thanks Trib that is it exactly smile

I have had lots of lovely cuddles with DD tonight and spent some decent time with her. According to her she has not had a bath in three days hmm

She came home with mountains of presents from his family which is nice but I've got nowhere to put it all!

drasticpark Mon 01-Apr-13 21:56:22

He's a crafty bugger isn't he? Pretending to be all laid back, disorganised and non-committal. Then he gets an hours notice and manages to put his arse into gear and deliver MS at the very last second. It's high time you had a lightbulb moment and told this specimen to fuck off - only in your head, mind. Dont allow him to see how wound up you're getting.

Stop playing the game. Go ahead and make your own plans and let him fit round what YOU want to do. Every single time.

You deserve so much better.

drasticpark Mon 01-Apr-13 21:57:16

And nobody died from not having a bath for 3 days. I promise.

Doha Mon 01-Apr-13 22:05:39

Right Skye-bossy Doha here
Next time you have to contact him, state exactly what you want in as much as you will not need a reply .ie miniskye is expecting picked up at 9am, she will see you then. At 9.05am if he is not there leave and go out, If there is a problem he will contact you, if you are not in that is HIS problem for NOT contacting you.
I really think he is getting a kick out of keeping you on tenterhooks waiting for a reply.

tribpot Mon 01-Apr-13 22:08:18

I think it'd be a crying shame if your phone ran out of battery at some point. Obv not when mini-skye is with him. After all you seem to inhabit some strange region of the country where phone batteries are drained by Forces Unknown.

skyebluesapphire Mon 01-Apr-13 22:26:17

Yes . I think that if he doesn't ring her on Weds then my phone should be out of signal on Thursday.

He next has her on Sat 13th after her birthday party. I shan't be reminding him , so if he turns up at 10am he will have a long wait til the party starts at 2pm...

Doha Mon 01-Apr-13 22:31:00

That's my girl Skye smile -Now stick to it. <wags finger in poor Skye's face>

CleopatrasAsp Mon 01-Apr-13 22:53:09

That's exactly right. He will learn, but only when he has to deal with the inconvenient consequences of his actions. smile

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 12:09:37

cheeky bastard has finally replied to my email. i asked him to drop DD at a pub at noon on 28th April for my dad's birthday lunch. He has replied and said he will just have her for the day on the Saturday as he is going out for the evening on 27th. i said I have a prior engagement that night so I am not home and that as previously advised he will have to get a babysitter for social events when she is with him, the same as I have to.

Guess whose birthday it is on 27 April? Thats right, OW. So he will think I am being awkward because of that, but Im just sticking to my guns as advised on here........ i only ask him to change for a major event, he cannot just drop her for his social life hmm. he is putting OW ahead of spending time with his DD........

I presume that I have done the right thing there? or should I have said OK, bring her back on the Saturday evening and ask him to pay for a babysitter?.....

there is also a lot of shit about how he only does the best for his DD blah blah blah. he will have her in the summer holidays as agreed every other Monday, but she will have to go to work with him. He will see her in the week if he can manage it. he will take her somewhere on holiday if he can. I see her all the time and he only has a couple of days with her at a time. he has to work on saturdays and has to take her with him. he is working every day and is so busy that he sometimes forgets to call her.

just a whole load of crap and excuses really, but at least he finally replied. obviously I had to reply because of the question about 27 April, but that is it now.

izzyizin Tue 02-Apr-13 12:15:15

Why have you rushed to respond to a reply he's taken his time to compose and send you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Apr-13 12:24:36

Good afternoon Skye

It's up to him to sort out babysitting on Sat night 27th if you have other plans and it would apply whether it was OW's birthday or anyone's; let him think you're being "awkward" who cares.

Not being obtuse Izzy what does it matter if Skye responds now or later?

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 12:35:33

Donkeys - I know that he will say I am being awkward, that I expect him to let me have her on the Sunday, but not when he wants to change on the Saturday, but I was trying to make sure that he only lost half a day of his weekend with her, turns out he isnt bothered doesnt it?!

Izzy - I didnt reply instantly, it was 2 hours later. But thats just me, its done, now I can forget about it

Squitten Tue 02-Apr-13 13:30:50

skyblue I haven't posted on your thread before but I have been reading it for ages! It goes without saying that your knobhead ex is a total waste of oxygen beyond providing you with your DD.

All I wanted to say was - why does it bother you so much what he thinks of you? You always seem to get very flustered over the fact that he calls you "awkward" or "unreasonable" or whatever. Do you still care about his opinion of you?

drasticpark Tue 02-Apr-13 14:03:30

he cannot just drop her for his social life . he is putting OW ahead of spending time with his DD........

But he can (and does) drop his dd for his social life. He probably puts OW before MS too. But the person at the top of his list is himself. Always.

I do get why you care what he thinks. It is the utter hypocrisy of the man. You can't just switch those feelings of injustice off. But you can stop him from witnessing it. Smile sweetly and shrug smugly even if it's just a pretence. Eventually, you will actually feel vastly superior and realise that he's not even worth your pity let alone your anger.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 14:29:45

i dont care what he thinks specifically, but I am only human and of course you care about what other people think of you. but more specifically I was meaning, that if he thinks I am being awkward just because it is OWs birthday then he could be awkward too and change his mind about the Sunday....

I told him back in January, that we could change weekends for major events etc, but not just for a night out, as it just gets too complicated chopping and changing all the time. I made the point then that if I want a night out when she is with me, then I have to get a babysitter and the same applies to him.

MaBumble Tue 02-Apr-13 14:39:03

De-lurking to say that you did the right thing re Sat. If he comes back about Sunday 'that's a shame DD was looking forward to it, I will let my Father know'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Apr-13 14:39:45

He could play difficult that weekend but then he could stuff up collecting her on 13th too, it's a potential minefield so just stick to what you said, don't get into it. Wouldn't life be simpler if he were different/lived round the corner/became easy to communicate with! alas, he is what he is. You can't second guess how he'll act or react.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 16:05:42

god I am so glad he doesnt live around the corner! I would hate to keep bumping into him in the local pub! it is just a shame the way he is, when he makes out that he will do anything for his DD.

You read more and more on here about how 50/50 parenting is becoming the norm. There is no way that he would do that, because of his work and the fact that he is 20 miles away.

It makes me laugh - like he said the other day that he could run his own life - I want to email back and say - well run it then, organise a sodding babysitter yourself, you useless twat, dont expect me to have her! -

He tells me in the email, that he has work on each day, that he has to do himself, like its something special. Lots of us have work to do each day!

i have told him that if he is going to take her to work with him on the Mondays when he has her in the holidays that I would rather have her myself. I asked him to have her for help with childcare. He reckons he might have her for a week and I have asked for plenty of notice as I do have to arrange days out with her and friends and childcare etc. (I would rather that she was with my mum while I work for a few hours, than have her driving around with him while he texts and emails. He will be because he has to do it for work, so he is not going to stop just because she is with him.) It is illegal and it could cause an accident. I don't care if I get flamed and called controlling, it was always a major issue with us and I wouldnt let him text while he was driving with me and DD in the car. He can do what he likes when he is on his own, but he is not putting her life at risk. When he texts he veers all over the road. In mediation he said that if he had her on a Monday, he wouldnt work as the whole point would be to spend time with her, which he is now going back on.

tribpot Tue 02-Apr-13 17:39:53

Don't you both want to flex the arrangements that weekend, though? You're asking for some of his time back to go to your dad's birthday, he's (arguably) responding to that by offering a different flex - you want convenience and so does he. Of course, he's not actually 'offering', just stating it but you can treat it as an offer nevertheless.

I think both of you have confused the discussion by introducing the topic of the holidays as well. I do think it is reasonable (within the context of a calm discussion about one thing at a time) to state you are unhappy that he texts and drives. No-one 'has' to do that for work. If he is unable to clear his diary of work commitments, and unwilling to commit not to text and drive, I think you do need to put your foot down.

BUT now it has the potential to descend into a row fuelled by you both trying to rearrange weekend plans to suit yourselves. I would definitely take a breath before replying if he does respond.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 20:46:27

yes but I was feeling bad for taking his DD away from him in his time with her, turns out he doesnt want her anyway...

I am not going to start a precedent where every time he wants a night out, then he thinks I will have her. It is his weekend with her, he protests that he doesnt see enough of her, yet is happy to cast her aside to go out for OW's birthday. At least if he gets a babysitter he will still see DD the following morning.

I get one childfree night a fortnight and he thinks that because he wants to go out that night, then he can dump her back on me. Much as I want to spend as much time with her as possible, I have to stick to the routine as much as possible.

My dad's 65th is a one off. OW's 33rd or whatever it is, doesnt match that.

he did say - its up to you - so I presume that he has already thought about some sort of childcare possibly...

I am glad you agree about the work and the texting while driving. It is not on IMO. It is illegal for a reason, because it causes accidents. There is no way he should be forwarding emails to other people while driving.

Xales Tue 02-Apr-13 21:01:37

If that is what you said to him 'you are going out so he will have to get a babysitter' then I think that is spot on.

End of conversation. He will now either bring her as requested or be a dick and not. You need to leave it now and not chase him over it again. Hard as that is.

It is his time with DD so he has to organise his evening.

If he gets arsey and doesn't bring her back Sunday then you will have to arrange important events for your weekends so you are not at his mercy in future.

Do not text about this again. It gives him all the power.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Apr-13 21:09:58

no I wont be in contact with him again about it. end of story as far as Im concerned. I would have arranged lunch on my weekend, but its the day before my dad's birthday, so kind of had to go with that as its what the rest of the family wanted. and I am giving up half of my weekend with her for Fathers Day. so he cannot say I am unreasonable.

Yes I did say, I am going out that night to a long arranged 30th birthday party, so I will not be home.

I am obviously worried as to who he will get to babysit as he doesnt know anybody suitable, and none of his family are willing, his mum is disabled, his sister never leaves the house etc etc, but I have to leave that up to him to get somebody responsible. i am sure I hope to god that he would not just leave her with an unchecked stranger......

I wont need to be in contact with him again, until the next time he lets her down

He will text if when he remembers to ring DD in the week and that should be that. The whole point of set contact was so that we dont have to be in contact, but I was just worried about several things concerning her welfare and safety.

Xales Tue 02-Apr-13 21:19:38

That is good.

I know it is going to be very frustrating for you not knowing if he will or won't bring her to the meal.

You are not unreasonable. Just stick with it. Trust us wink

Every time you bite he will continue to dangle the bait. He knows what you are like. He knows what his lack of response does to you. It is deliberate. Don't rise. Don't let him realise it has any effect on you and one day he will give up.

skyebluesapphire Thu 04-Apr-13 23:37:59

so no phone call for DD either last night or tonight.... I only just thought about it. The bloke is a twat isnt he. Tomorrow night Im going out for a family meal with DD, so I shall turn my phone off.... If he cant ring when he says he will, Im not having him interrupt my time.

Had a really hard moment last night. Mini Skye keeps going on about when our story will end and I asked her what she meant. She said "when do we get our happy ending Mummy, we all moved here to live and then Daddy went to live somewhere else and now we are sad. When do we get our happy ending?". I said, - soon darling. I started to cry a little bit, but got a grip , finished putting her to bed, then came in the other room and cried for a bit as just felt really sad and also had a couple of traumatic days, with my family selling most of their cows which has been a very emotional time for the whole family.

I thought I had done well to hide it from DD, but then this morning, she told me that she had heard me crying last night after she went to bed. She said I know that you are sad because daddy doesnt live here any more sad

It's coming up to 8 April, the actual day that he walked out. Sometimes I feel like I have come a massive long way, then other times it feels like it just happened yesterday.

It is always MS who gets to me when she says things about her Dad not being here. She has been talking a lot about him lately and things that she used to do with him.

There are a couple of threads on here at the moment which have brought it all back, as one of them, i could be writing her posts word for word. I know exactly how she feels.... except she is going through the raw pain and my pain is still there, but deadened a lot more now......

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