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Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 13:23:00

hi all.

Madabout - you are right I know, I have been ringing my own alarm bells, lol. my counsellor said this is what I do, rescue people. So here is a man, going through a messy divorce, wife awkward about access, living with his parents, in debt. Red Flags galore, I know sad But he is a really nice bloke, and I am trying to just see it as being friends at the moment. if I were really chasing him, I would text and ask if he wanted to meet for a drink, or go to the cinema or something. He needs some help with his paperwork and I think he will come to me as a client, so its a bit of goodwill. I have been helping him with his advertising etc as well.

It's certainly not something that I want to rush into. He was with a mate the other night, who is a single bloke that I went to school with. maybe I will end up with him instead grin. I am very much not "trying to make things happen" as I dont think that either of us are in the right place and I presume that he only sees me as a friend anyway. (at the moment.....) so who knows what the future will bring. But its making me feel a bit better anyway. I dont know when I will see him again, but I know that I will sometime soon. I need my outside tap fixing anyway

It is also quite good, getting the dad opinion from him as well . I find myself sympathising when he says that it is difficult sometimes to collect his DD for her swimming lesson due to his work, but his STBXW wont take her in, so he has to finish at 3.30pm that day. Then I think, yes , but I am expecting my XH to finish work early to see DD...... but then, that is one day a fortnight and this bloke sees his DD a lot more, so it proves that each case is different.

My friend saw us talking and laughing, but she did say, I hope you werent talking about your ex!!!! and I said, only in the context of discussing contact with the girls etc. I vaguely remember saying something about being "bitter and twisted, no not me" and laughing and also telling him that I will find it hard to trust people in the future and he agreed with me. He also said that he would imagine that a little girl who is constantly let down by her dad, will grow up with a lack of trust in men. I said oh yes, totally , and told him that as long as he sees his DD regularly, and never let her down then that is the best that he can do. he said he would like to see her more than he does and that he will have her overnight once he is in his own place.

So, am trying to keep sensible head on. Do not want to be announcing on here in a couple of months that the Plumber has moved in grin been there, done that, been used before

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 14:10:27

You sound very self aware smile and yes it will be handy having a plumber around to fix your outside tap...

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 19:02:00

Thanks Mad . I do ramble on somewhat on this thread and thinks to everyone who is here, lurking or otherwise. I still find comfort in this thread and also great support when Twunt acts like a real Twunt as in this weekend.

I am trying to be self aware. I haven't posted about Friday's counselling as it got overtook by Twunt's behaviour, but she thinks that I am finally starting to let my feelings out to her. She wanted to know exactly what I felt when I got the birthday card from XMIL and thought it was from XH at first, she took it apart step by step and my feelings at each point. Why didn't I put it in the bin if I didn't want it? Why did it then upset me that it wasn't from him.

We are very much working on me now, its like she said, we could sit there forever and a day talking about Twunt and OW and so on, but nothing is going to change. she said that at times she feels like we havent achieved anything, but at others, I come with something so self aware, that she knows that it is going in there somewhere! So now we only talk about Twunt if it is in context to why something made me feel the way I did and how I handled the situation.

I just think now, that I have my house, my DD and my friends. I have a fairly good social life, cant afford to go out too much, so need to start cutting back a bit, although I am managing so far. and now instead of having to find something to do EOW on Friday and Saturday, it will only be the one night. and we have things planned right up until the end of April now and most of June is also busy.

Maybe now, I can try and relax over contact. unless he does start messing around with Saturdays, which I can see, if he decides to work and wants to make an early getaway. but he shouldnt be working when he has MS anyway, so maybe that will stop now.

Dozer Mon 18-Mar-13 22:52:32

Oooh, tell us about the plumber's single mate, is he good-looking too?!

Sounds like you have some strategies in place for your ex's inevitable crapness, and some nice things planned for the next couple of months. Have a good week!

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 23:01:18

well, the Plumber's single mate is a really nice guy I think. I don't think he has ever had a serious relationship, not sure why. and he is 41.

he is slightly old fashioned, but he is friendly. he is also overweight and not overtall. a bit like myself

Another single man is moving into the town soon too its a meat market out there grin

CleopatrasAsp Tue 19-Mar-13 00:51:39

Sky, I have been lurking on your thread for ages, wishing you well but your last sentence made me laugh 'cause it sounded like something out of Jane Austen. Is this single man who is moving into town 'in possession of a good fortune'? If so, he might be a better catch than the plumber. grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 19-Mar-13 08:03:50

I thought you lived somewhere quiet Skye in a One Man And His Dog type country setting, this sounds a bit jollier! Just good friends might be the way to go but can see your new hair colour draws them in like moths to a flame.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 19-Mar-13 09:53:36

Cleo - its a bit like it around here. You should see all the lads when a pretty girl moves into town - its like bees round a honeypot....

I can think of around 5 single men in our very small town. Its more of a village, but because it has a Town Hall, it is a town.....

I don't think that any of them are in "possession of good fortune" sadly grin. now if only Colin Firth would move into town.....

Donkeys you could be right, maybe it is the hair colour. They say blondes have more fun, but I'm trying out red smile

Currently at a clients premises. One of the directors is single, 30, very friendly..... I need to get a grip. I think that the Citalopram must be wearing off, as I'm getting strange urges, lol grin

oldwomaninashoe Tue 19-Mar-13 14:15:03

Just what you need Skye
A toyboy!

whateverhernameis Tue 19-Mar-13 22:42:02

Tis me. Have name changed after being referred to as this on another thread grin

Have got my car back!! Yay!!! My uncle said that the bill was over £2500 and if it had gone to the insurance co's garage they would have definitely written it off...

My leg is agonising. It's sore and hard and I can't sleep at night because of it. I saw the doctor yesterday and she put the antibiotics on repeat as usually I need them for several weeks.

I am also low in folic acid so have to take that for three months then have another blood test. I should probably just take it all year round as this happens to me every year.

I could happily chop my leg off at this moment!

I'm so glad you got your car back, Skye, and so sorry your leg is painful! Does it need the healing powers of wine ? smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 20-Mar-13 12:34:22

Skye where are you oh! there you are. So sorry your leg is sore.

whateverhernameis Wed 20-Mar-13 21:22:11

I emailed Twunt tonight as there is a show in Plymouth in July that MS would love to see - Dora The Explorer Live - and it falls on his weekend.

I asked if he would split the weekend, or if he would like to take her himself. He replied that he is happy to split the weekend.

he also said that he has been unable to ring MS tonight as he is in a hired van and his phone is flat. He said he will ring tomorrow whatever We wont be home anyway, as going out to tea tomorrow for my brothers birthday.

I'm feeling quite up at the moment. A bit woolly headed, probably due to Citalapram wearing off.

Leg still hurting like hell though

Funny how his phone is always flat when it comes to ringing MS.

Hope you leg feels better soon.

whateverhernameis Wed 20-Mar-13 21:37:52

I know! It will probably be flat again tomorrow too! I never tell her he is ringing until the phone actually rings!
of course, if he wasn't texting OW all day long it wouldnt go flat would it grin

I am going to ring mediation tomorrow, to get them to write to him and ask him to go for a meeting. I have no doubt that he will refuse, but it might make him think.

tribpot Wed 20-Mar-13 22:12:00

Flat my arse. Is what I would like to reply but I'm glad you didn't smile

whateverhernameis Wed 20-Mar-13 22:48:54

He is in a hired van at the moment but that doesn't explain why he doesn't have a portable charger. Or how he emailed me back if it was flat grin

My brother said earlier that poor Mini Skye will see it all for herself as she gets older.

I still can't get over the fact that XH sat in our house in Dec 11 after the neighbour kicked her H out, and XH said "the thought of her waking up in the morning and me not being here, her sad little face" then promptly walked out two months later!

He didnt get to see the sad little face did he, I did sad

Bastard

whateverhernameis Thu 21-Mar-13 16:05:01

I have rung mediation this morning and asked them to arrange a meeting. She asked why, so I said, that he:

refuses to reply to my emails about DD
rings at 6.45 to pick up at 7.30pm
gave all her clothes back
accuses me of not letting him see her
refuses to respond to safety concerns that I have when she is with him

she said that they will contact him and see what happens. I havent heard from him yet....

rang the Tax Credit office today. They wouldnt tell me if XH had given his figures to them for last year. I text him and he says that he tried but they refused to take them. Stupid bastard didn't tell me that did he?! I have told him that the case has been reopened and that if they refuse to take them again, to ask what we need to do, because they wont take them from me!

I am certain that I am due a few hundred pounds for last year and I am not going to let the taxman keep it!

Had the most random breakdown last night. Watching TV and this couple kissed. I just burst into tears! Stupid or what sad I excuse myself by saying that I am ill.

I am now on Naproxin, CoDydramol, Folic Acid and Clarthyromycin. I am rattling when I walk. and still in pain!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 19:30:39

Think he will reject a mediation session on grounds of cost. It might make him take your concerns more seriously but maybe the root cause is pure selfishness outweighing any paternal instinct.

I agree with Donkey, I don't he will agree to mediation again. As I don't think he see anything that he is doing as wrong.

He doesn't see it as letting MS down, he sees it as HE is earning to support MS at his home.

Hopefully the request for mediation will focus he mind on MS.

whateverhernameis Thu 21-Mar-13 21:22:07

I told them that I think he might say he cant afford it. She wanted me to make an appointment and I said wait until you have spoken to him.

Like you say, I am hoping that it may make him realise that I am serious, but then again.....

The trouble is, he has no friends with kids, and the only person that he is turning to is that bitch OW, who obviously tells him what a bitch I am and makes him feel that he can do no wrong. She is a very dangerous person for him to be "friends" with.

If he refuses, then I am tempted to say that I have fears for MS's safety due to things she has been saying and that I want to discuss it in mediation....

I know that he cant afford it due to the fact he is going into an IVA.

I have been reading up on them and its more restrictive than bankruptcy, in that you are in it for 5 years. But he has gone bankrupt in the past and so has his brother, so I know that he never wanted to do it again. I just KNOW that it will all be blamed on me. Making him get divorced when he couldn't afford it hmm it is all my fault. Coz I made him blow it all on holidays, clothes and ipads didnt I?!

I have no doubt that he will end up bankrupt. His business suppliers arent going to wait for ever, accepting £500 here and there when he owes them thousands.

I take no pleasure from the fact that I was right about the debts, only a relief that I did divorce him. and I shall point that out to anybody that blames me for his debts.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Mar-13 09:31:35

The ones that matter won't believe him, and the ones that believe him won't matter.

How is your leg today?

AutumnDreams Fri 22-Mar-13 12:54:08

Oi thingybob........put that plumber down!

Skye, I`m worried that you are getting far too wrapped up in XH`s affairs again. As it`s your profession, I can see that you will be interested in his financial affairs, but you need to let him get on with it now. You are working hard to secure a good future for you and Mini. You`ve got your house sorted. Holiday planned. All good. Let him wallow in the mess he`s making of his finances now that he doesn`t have you to control advise him now.

I agree with Donkeys regarding mediation. That will be a definite no from him I think.

Hope your leg is a little less painful today.

whateverhernameis Fri 22-Mar-13 18:51:07

my leg is still agony. I am stupid because I am going out tonight and what I should do is stay home and rest it, but I will try and sit down in the pub. I have just dropped Mini Skye at my mums where she is happy as larry, playing with the dogs and helping Nana to cook tea. I say bye darling, she says, yeah whatever. (not quite, but you get my drift).

Mediation have emailed him, I know this because they emailed me by mistake hmm, so I told them of their error and gave them his email address and they apologised and have now emailed him. I am not holding my breath though.

I have had a telling off from my counsellor today. She says that we have to stop talking about him and talk about me, that we need to draw up a contract that says that we will not discuss him any more. I didn't want to talk about him today, but she asked about the contact last weekend and it went from there. and then she talks about I react to situations and communication and it goes back to him and how I reacted to him.

Trouble is, I dont understand half of the stuff she wants to know. She says when did you last feel a buzz of excitement, or a prickling of the skin. Something that you think about that makes your hairs stand up. Trouble is, it always comes back to him, as even now, if I think of that, I think of him, I think of the passion and the feeling of wanting him. So I cant give her what she wants without talking about him! and I told her that it was nice to get a text from the plumber, but she wants to know exactly how it made me feel, and I just dont know what to say. It made me happy for a moment, but I was drunk.... I didnt get a tingle, or a physical reaction. I am just not very good at this stuff.

she said how does MS make you feel and I said happy. She said yes but what does your body do physically, do you get a warm glow, how does it affect you and I just dont know what to say, as it doesnt make me feel anything, other than happy!

I honestly dont know what she wants me to say. Am I weird for not feeling things? am I supposed to run round dileriously happy every time I tell my DD that I love her? For me, that is just part of what we do everyday.

Every time I go there the counsellor has got cards laid out on the table about feelings etc, but we never get on to them. I think she should just do what she wants to do, but we never get around to it.

There is a huge part of me, that feels so sad for him that he has got into this debt, but I feel pity that he reverted to type as soon as he left me. So he didnt learn anything about managing his finances when he was with me, he let me do it all, then turned on me for doing that and as soon as he was on his own, it was spend spend spend.

But my only concern for him and his life now, is that he turns up every other Saturday and that he pays the weekly maintenance on time. She said well done for stopping the Friday night access. She said that it is his responsibility, he was told to arrange a set time or forget it, so he has caused this to happen. She said No Way am I to text him to remind him to contact his daughter. That is not my job.

She also said that I shouldnt have engaged in the text argument last week. i said that I needed to defend myself, as he was accusing me of allsorts. she said, who cares, so what. Just text and say, you cant arrange things in time, its too late and leave it at that. But I said when he texts me saying that I have a problem in communication and that I am stopping him from seeing her, that I need to address that and she said, no you dont.

anyway, bit of a long post again. Feeling a bit crap, leg hurting like hell. Currently on the wine. Looking forward to a night out with friends. and happy that Mini Skye is happy with my family.

whateverhernameis Fri 22-Mar-13 20:57:39

OMG the Plumber is out again grin

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