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Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

Skyebluesapphire Sat 16-Mar-13 02:21:10

Autumn - thanks for that. You have hit the nail on the head - i said the other day that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I loved him very much and that doesnt go just because of him going. Even when you are treated badly it just causes bewilderment as to how that person could do that.

Counselling went well today, she wants to see me each week again at the moment. She says that I am finally starting to reveal my feelings, not try and deal with everything from my head in a rational way.

Donkeys - Good job you didn't hold your breath, you would be a funny shade of blue by now....... Classic Twunt behaviour tonight, but apparantly its all my fault.... By 6.30pm I hadnt heard from him, so was all ready to go out, took DD with me. Walked to the venue in the rain. Then got text from XH at 6.45 to say he would be there at 7.30pm. I said that he had texted me too late, but he could pick her up from the venue, but that she would not have any stuff with her. He said that he did not consider that he had contacted me too late, that he had been working hard all day and did not have his phone with him (watch this space emoticon) and that he needed her bags as he didnt have any stuff. I said what happened to everything that I gave you, extra clothes etc. He said that he had sent it all back. he said have you got her stuff or not, I said - no, I am not going to walk back home in the rain, with DD and a bad leg to get her bags.

He said - well if you are going to be like that, I will just get her in the morning. I replied, fine, to which he replied - you are just stopping me from seeing her, you could have texted me yourself to find out when I was coming. To which I replied, but you said earlier that you didnt have your phone, to which he said, well somebody had my phone and they would have got a message to me.

To which i replied - (here it comes emoticon) so how would they have got a message to you if you didnt have a phone? Carrier Pigeon?! grin If you say that, it is obvious that you had something with you that you could have used to text or email me......

So the stupid twat lied, then dropped himself right in it. I said (on another thread I think) that if he let her down tonight, then I would drive to his house and shove something large up his arse. sideways. so keep an eye on the papers grin

i have had a bit of a teary night though, as I had to take DD to an event that I didnt really want to, and then i couldnt drink much. DD played up a bit as she wasnt seeing her daddy, but at least her friends were there, which was the only reason that I took her.

I have sent Twunt a long email , detailing that I am not responsible for his relationship with his daughter, that he left me because I organised his entire life, therefore it is not up to me to remind him to ring his DD or to chase him for what time he will be here. I made it quite plain that my life does not revolve around him and that if he cant let me know things at a suitable time, then that is up to him and nobody else. If I had got mum to babysit, then she wouldnt even have been here for him to get! I have told him that it is Saturday morning collection from now on. i simply cant deal with the frustration any longer.

He said earlier that I have a problem with communication as I should text him to remind him to call DD, or to find the time of collection, so if I don't then I have a problem, not him confused

I reminded him then that I emailed him on Monday about DD and that he hadn't responded to that email.

So a bit of a text argument which I didnt want, but couldnt help myself.

The man is a prick. He is the most useless twat in the whole wide world. Well, one of them anyway.

So - just so I know - Is it him or me??!! AIBU?!

tribpot Sat 16-Mar-13 07:31:53

You've done what you do still slip into sometimes, skye, of handing all your power to him by writing long emails which essentially reveal how much you still care about him. He won't read it, he doesn't care.

What is the exact arrangement that has been agreed for him picking her up on Fridays? There's a set time of 6 pm, isn't there? It's his responsibility to be there - as we've said before, any of us would be there at 6 pm to pick up our dc, we have jobs as well. You're not there to provide open-ended childcare during his contact times. Either he wants the Friday evening or he doesn't. His actions suggest that he doesn't. But the key here is to go back either to the agreement made with the mediators or to commitments he has already made and simply keep reminding him of what he agreed to.

In terms was 18:45 too late to announce a 19:30 arrival - damn right it was. dd would be ready for bed at 19:30, surely?

Why has he sent all her clothes back? Assuming he didn't realise he was meant to keep some (as opposed to the more likely 'couldn't be arsed washing them') I would pack another bag and say specifically these are to stay at his house.

In terms of the phone saga, if he and OW have the same phone my guess is he picked up hers by mistake in the morning. Hence why she could have contacted him if a message had come in.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 16-Mar-13 08:45:28

Surpassed himself this time he prob has repetetive strain injury from texting OW all day or from being a **er.

What is so difficult about sticking to arrangements? Who walked out, who moved away? Don't let him sidetrack you into who is to blame for last night. He knew he couldn't get there on time. Ffs we knew he wouldn't stick to what was arranged. He is letting down mini Skye, end of. You have reminded him time and time again.

My guess is he is running short of money and figures on working late/socialising and saving on a Friday night meal/Sat breakfast by not having her on Friday. So if he can play victim by claiming you put obstacles in his way he can adjust arrangements in seeing his DD EOSaturday and bring her home Sunday. He can hardly entertain her as it is, so a curtailed weekend is less effort. She may be a marine biologist later thanks to aquarium trips but he doesn't seem to have much clue about spending quality time with her.

Xales Sat 16-Mar-13 09:01:00

Well done! I know I have nagged you lots and lots about this grin It is not your job to text or remind him. You are not the one letting down your DD.

I am so glad you have finally seen this. I am sure it still hurts both that you were fooled by this man for such a long time and for your DD.

Keep all the texts for when he starts telling everyone what a wicked witch you are.

He has been late loads of times. Each time you have told him this is unacceptable for your DD and for you. You need to know early enough to sort stuff as he is incapable. He is so thick he still thinks he can stroll in whenever he likes. He would have know before 6:45 that he was still 3/4 hour away from getting there. It is a lack of respect. He may not want to be associated with you any more, you can still demand respect in fact insist on it.

Try and keep any emails about DD from now on. Nothing about you and your life. He will only show OW and they will sneer at you.

Jux Sat 16-Mar-13 09:16:12

He's a prat, Skye. Pure and simple. Keep things very short and to the point so that his -frankly, inadequate - intellect can grasp what you're saying. Pick up Friday at 6. How hard is it to remember that? NR good dads (and there are plenty) live for the moment they pick up their children.

He's a selfish, ebtitled prat, Skye. And thick as a plank.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 16-Mar-13 11:52:28

he turned up this morning. I was helping out at a local coffee morning and he texted. I am outside. I replied, we are inside grin.

He still didnt come in so I text again and said, I'm busy working in here are you coming in or not?! He did come in then to collect her. I was busy so I just ignored him, gave MS a big cuddle and off she went.
T
It just shows that he doesn't want to face people round here doesn't it.

brianbennettfan Sat 16-Mar-13 12:18:33

I'm liking tribpot's theory about OW's phone. Question is how come they were together first thing in the morning. Anyway he is hell bent on not taking any responsibility for the smooth running of his contact with Mini. He should know that it's unacceptable to expect to turn up at bedtime to pick up a child. But as the others say, a) doesn't care b) too thick.

My exH tried this on wih me. I told him that the kids would be ready to pick up at 5 on a Friday, and if he couldn't be there on the dot, not to bother. I dare say the debts are starting to bite the twunt in the arse. What a bargain the OW has picked for herself.

lazarusb Sat 16-Mar-13 12:21:51

I'm sure there must be a club somewhere they all belong to. I remember once when my ex had forgotten we were going away for a weekend all hell broke loose. He even went round to my Granddad's and had a go at him angry He stood on my doorstep the following week and told me that any time I wanted a holiday/weekend away he expected to be notified in writing through a solicitor!

He actually meant it too! If I hadn't been so angry I think I would have seen how ridiculous it was straight away. It's definitely NOT you, Skye.

cenicienta Sat 16-Mar-13 13:39:21

Skye I can imagine your frustration. At times it seems like he's being deliberately awkward, other times I wonder if he really just doesn't think about anyone else.

I know how easy it is to get drawn into the texting / email arguments but really for you to keep the upper hand, you need to decide what is the right thing to do then just keep repeating the same thing to him. e.g. If he doesn't call before x time on a Friday night / if he doesn't turn up before x time (you decide which) then it's a Saturday pick up! End of story! Or if you prefer, always a Sat pick up.

But keep it short, robotic even... " I will have her ready for x time on Fri / Sat. If you do not turn up at that time then you CANNOT come any later"

"You and you alone are responsible for respecting and being committed to your daughter. No one else on this planet can take that responsibility on your behalf"

Hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend!

cenicienta Sat 16-Mar-13 13:45:05

The last bit about respect and commitment directed at him, not you smile

Skyebluesapphire Sat 16-Mar-13 15:37:08

he told MS on Thursday that he would be picking her up in a car the next day as the van was in the garage. He was nearly out of battery on Thursday as he had no handsfree kit or charger. He said he was in a hired van. Seeing as he doesnt have a car, I can only presume that OW or her H would have driven him here as i cant think of anyone else he could turn to.

I told him in the email that he is responsible for his relationship with his daughter, that nobody else can help him with that. In his text saying that I had a problem with communication, he said that I could have text him yesterday, same as I could text him to ask him to call her in the week shock. It is not my job to remind him to call his DD? It should be stamped on his brain, that it is Weds and time for a chat with her.

Surprise Surprise, no response to the email.

It is all about him though, how he is working long hours, how he is doing the best that he can for his DD, how he is struggling. Like I give a fuck?!

My counsellor said a few weeks ago, that I knew what I had to do to save myself the frustration and to save MS the hurt. and I have done it. I have told him that it is Saturday morning only from now on. If a night out is planned I can find a babysitter, but I wont have the need to try and fill two nights a week each time she goes with him.

I feel better already as last night is the last time (hopefully) that he messes me around. If he starts messing around with Saturday morning, that will be it! Because of course, if he is working some Saturdays, then he may want to leave earlier than 10am, so I can expect him to start creating about that, but he can sod off. He doesn't have to work on a Saturday, if he does then he is choosing to do it.

On a separate note, he paid his maintenance in on Friday this week, when it has been going in regular as clockwork by standing order on a Weds. So I can see what is coming next......

He just doesnt seem to get that whatever he does is HIS CHOICE. Nobody makes him do anything. I never made him do anything. he has a choice, commit to regular pickup time or get her on a Saturday.

How long OW will stick around for when he goes bankrupt is anyones guess. I did warn her..... XH owes her dad several thousand for work now. I cant see her putting up with that for long. She will probably turn on XH and when she does, that will be it for him. She will cut him out and make sure that her H does too. I have thought that all along, that she will cast him aside when she has had enough. Maybe then he will start to realise what a complete fuck up he has made of his life. His dad always said he would never amount to anything, looks like he was right.

Can you manage without the maintenance, if he starts letting you down in that way?

tribpot Sat 16-Mar-13 23:18:15

^ My counsellor said a few weeks ago, that I knew what I had to do to save myself the frustration and to save MS the hurt. and I have done it. I have told him that it is Saturday morning only from now on.^

I'm not totally sure that's what the counsellor meant, skye. It feels a bit like you're repeating the patterns of your marriage, still. He basically drifts about being a complete flake until you are unable to take it any more, then you lash out at him in frustration and he retreats into silence, knowing that he will 'win' the argument by having goaded you into laying down the law. He then gets to say how unreasonable you are - and on and on it goes.

The only way I think you can break the pattern is not to react. Do what you did - take Mini Skye with you and refuse to rearrange your plans around his incompetence. But don't follow it up with a text war, that's what he wants. He is going to mess you around - this is inevitable. He is unable to hold his life together on his own. (I can see him ending up with someone much more 'controlling' than you in the long run).

I think you have two incompatible goals - to ensure Mini Skye has the most successful relationship she can have with her dad, and to detach from this completely unreasonable level of stress. I would talk to your counsellor about strategies to achieve the latter without compromising the former too much but you know it's only a matter of time. I'm surprised he isn't already claiming he can't afford the petrol to come and get her, particularly since he let you have the house and all.

You've unilaterally outlawed Friday. He will only move all of his flaky passive-aggression to Saturday. And round you go again. You can't change the pattern this way, even though nothing you are doing is remotely unreasonable.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 17-Mar-13 02:08:50

I hope he doesn't move it to Saturday, although I think he will if he wants to work on that day... Fingers crossed that he doesn't stop maintenance.

Anyway, enough of him. Have spent a good couple of hours tonight talking to The Plumber. It's definitely softly softly catchey monkey grin. Have offered support and accountancy help. Just text him and had a reply, at 2am :-))).

Whatever will be will be, but I feel good having had a lovely night with friends and having spent half of it chatting to him, which didnt go un-noticed by my mates :-)

The Plumber is going through a messy divorce himself but I know how he feels which helps. Font need another victim to rescue though lol.

Feeling a lot drunk and quite happy at the mo.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 17-Mar-13 02:14:18

Font = Don't.......

Just had another text. I'm happy :-) its just a shame I don't see him that often though. But whatever will be will be .......

Dozer Sun 17-Mar-13 06:35:42

Hi skye, I like your flirting technique, offering accountancy help! smile

Sorry your ex is still true to form. Why can he not prioritise his time with his DD? What an idiot. Agree with tribpot that he will now be a dick about Saturdays, and blame you for being unreasonable! If he does this, would another mediation session be an option, specifically to discuss access? Hope he improves for DD's sake, but either way, at least you don't have to live everyday with his financial/organisational/emotional ineptitude and selfishness.

Dozer Sun 17-Mar-13 06:36:32

why is the plumber texting at 2am?

Skye glad you had a goodnight.

I wouldn't let twunt of Friday night pickups, but at the same time I wouldn't put your social life on hold for him either. Make sure MS is ready for pick up.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 17-Mar-13 09:44:09

Oh dear. I was soooo drunk last night. I spent half the night ignoring my friends and chatting to The Plumber. i was a bit flirty but just friendly. He texted me at 2am coz I texted him... I said it was really nice to see him, he said it was great to catch up and i said to give me a shout if he wanted help. I said have a good day with his DD today. He said you have a good weekend. I said I will be working most of today so he replied, No, don't do that, just chill out and look after yourself. X

I'm braver when I'm drunk. I did actually want to give him a hug and snog him but felt like I'd be throwing myself at him haha, because he is quite a shy bloke, lol. And not a good idea in our local pub in front of everyone. The grapevine would go into meltdown. grin

He sees his DD twice a week every week and would see her more than that if he could. He is self employed and arranges his wirk around seeing her. He wants his own place so that he can have her overnight as its difficult while he is back with his parents.

I like him because he is friendly, decent, genuine, considerate, hard worker, old fashioned, good dad, oh and he's quite good looking too smile he has lovely blue eyes. He is nothing like the XH in looks or anything else. I've known him for years now but never looked at him in that way before because we were both always in relationships. (Once with his best mate). I asked him his friend was, but he didnt want to talk about him so I think he felt a bit awkward about it.

But he is going through a messy divorce , so I'm just chatting to him for now and not going to do anything else. He's not going anywhere and whatever will be will be. Que sera sera.....

< channels Doris Day, goes off singing>

Skyebluesapphire Mon 18-Mar-13 00:32:17

dozer mediation did suggest that we saw them in the new year but things seemed to be going ok. I have been thinking about it but I know that he will turn it on me like last time .."if you would be adult about it all there would be no need for mediation" and of course, he can't afford it now.

He hasnt responded to any communication, other than a text earlier where I asked him to keep some clothes and to hold on to them.

DD didnt see OW and her H this weekend, or his mum. He took her to Softplay, McDonalds, shopping. The typical weekend for him. He borrowed his sisters car because his van is in the garage.

I do feel like texting him and saying that as before, his communication is bad and we need mediation to move forward again. I have asked several friends if they thought that I was being unreasonable and they all said no. But you do end up doubting yourself and thinking, am I being awkward or is he BU by just expecting to just turn up with very little warning?! They all said its him not me!

If he starts messing around with Saturdays he can go whistle.

On a good note, today I didnt wake up and think of The situation. The first thing on my mind today was the last thing on my mind last night, The Plumber grin nothing may come of it , but time will tell. I have offered him my help a couple of times and am just friendly when I see him. Last night I made a point of talking to him, but he was happy to stay there. His friend thought he was going home when he did, but he decided to stay :-)

Don't want to obsess over it as font see him that often. This is probably the first time since NYE that we have had a good chat. I told him that I would be out the next couple weeks, so up to him to decide if he wants to come out or not. I do know that he is short of money.

tribpot Mon 18-Mar-13 07:11:43

Don't contact him (Twunt not Plumber) again, skye, but perhaps ask the mediators when they'd be able to see you. Up to him to decide whether or not he can afford it.

Plumber sounds like a nice distraction but keep it light!

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 09:15:27

I don't want to come across as miserable but reading your latest posts has set off an alarm:

i said to give me a shout if he wanted help

I have offered him my help a couple of times

Are you offering to rescue him? You do not need another project. Maybe raise this at counselling?

Also if things do develop further, how will you know he wants you for yourself and not because you can help him?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 09:16:35

And a huge virtual slap for twunt. You are in a no win situation - how bloody frustrating!!

Mad I think the offers of help were to do with accountancy/tax work not personal things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Mar-13 10:20:10

Hello Skye mixed weekend then, glad you and The Plumber are finding plenty to chat about!

The Twunt is going to be the one who misses out ultimately when mini Skye gets old enough to be aware of him letting her down. I think cenicienta has some good ideas, just pick the appropriate phrase to use and don't embellish it.

tribpot has mentioned petrol - I think that he may well start to begrudge expenditure and maybe hint that you could somehow drop DD off or meet half way.

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