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Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

I feel for you.

It sounds to me he messed you about on a Wednesday night picking MS up from school and letting you down at the last minute, so you put her in after school club. So now he messing you around on Fridays so you stop MS going to his on a Friday. So making you look like the bad guy.

If I was you I would just grin and bear it for the next few visits and see whether he actually admits to you he only wants Sat/Sun visits.

Have a good night at your friends tonight.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Mar-13 18:04:44

Perhaps say to him, it is obviously difficult for him what with last minute contracts and all that driving around, especially on Friday nights with everyone wanting to drive home in a rush; how about if for 6 months you and he agree to drop Friday night access? Subject to review. If you phrase it in such a way he thinks you are doing him a favour, he can't moan can he.

bc great minds think alike grin

Skyebluesapphire Fri 01-Mar-13 23:38:55

I'm drunk now but as my friend put it earlier,she works with a bloke who sees his kids every fortnight andvhecus desperate to see them and moves heaven and earth to be there for them that weekend that he has them.

XH referred earlier to having to pick up a load before he got DD which infers he is working over the weekend,so he cannot put her first for the four days a month that he has her.

He is a Twunt if the highest order. How long before he moves away and stops contact all together?!...

I saw a friend of a friend earlier whose XH left when she was pregnant with number 3 and I said is it easier with no contact, as her youngest has never met his dad. She said, no it isn't, because they always wonder what he is like...,,

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 02-Mar-13 00:16:36

Vast difference in dad parenting styles isn't there. Tbh when he moved 20 miles away it didn't look promising but if he cared enough he'd manage. Trouble being his efforts are so lame and lucklustre. He'll always put himself first or find some excuse. Well he is what he is so you can't change him. Just be as good a mum as you possibly can be. You can't carry him.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 01:23:29

This is what came out of counselling earlier. She said, we can sit here for hours discussing him and her and the way he is, but it's never going to change. She wanted to see me next week as she thinks I'm quite depressed but I couldn't make it for a fortnight.

I just can't believe how he is happy to see DD on e a fortnight and then be unable to commit the time to her. If he is working then I think he shouldn't see her, but what can I do?! He sees her do little but can't commit his time to her.

He is a bastard twat of the highest order. I hate him. I wish he would commit to DD but he won't. I have to accept that. I love my DD and my eholeclufecrevolves around her. As for that selfish bastard, his whole world revolves around him, then OW, then DD.

I hate him. I truly do. I told the counsellor today that I want my life back but I don't want the man he is now back.

I saw my friends sister tonight, the one who does reiki and healing. I really need to see her and soon.

Have had lots of Interest from online dates recently, but so far the best chat up line hAs been, voluptuous ? Dies that mean big boobs?!

He is obviously a keeper confused

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 16:01:52

OK, shouldnt post when drunk as do not proof read grin most of the above makes sense, but not some lol.

Discovered today, that Xh yesterday had a job, which meant he would have been back around 5pm. Then he chose to do another job on the way down, which delayed him by 2 hours. For the sum of £40. So he could have missed out on seeing MS for the sake of £40. I can't believe that things are that desperate for him.

I have to accept that things are never going to change and he is never going to put her first. The counsellor said yesterday that I have to accept that, that I have to accept that he will always put work and OW first and that there is nothing that I can do about it.

I'm sat here all alone again, should be working, can't motivate myself, but have all day tomorrow to work too, so will have to motivate myself then.

I just hate being without my daughter. The house is so quiet and I miss her cuddles. I hate him so much. Poor MS is so torn, she wants to see her dad, but hates being without me. I can't give her what she wants, which is for her dad to come home again.

How can you get somebody so wrong. My counsellor asked yesterday what were the qualities that drew me to him. I said that he was kind, considerate, generous, would do anything for anybody, loving, caring, unselfish, funny. But it appears that he is only those things when he is trying to please the one he loves. When he no longer wants to please that person, he then becomes selfish and deceitful and uncaring. OW has got all those lovely qualities being aimed at her now, but of course, it won't last.

He wants to see his DD, but only if it suits him. He should move heaven and earth to spend those precious 4 days a month with her. He should be desperate to have her for a week's holiday. I am glad he doesnt though, because if he did, I would miss her terribly. Everyone says, oh you just go away yourself if he ever does have her for a week. What, on my own?!

My counsellor said that I need to meet more single parents, but I don't know how to. This is a very rural area and there simply arent the people around, or the groups or clubs that there are in towns and cities.

She said yesterday that I am trying to recreate the single life that I had ten years ago, but that it is different now because I have DD and that family life is different to single life. I cried my eyes out and said yes I know that, but EOW I have that single life forced upon me and I don't want it, I want my family life. But if I can't have that family life, then I have to go out, I cannot sit at home on my own being lonely. She said Friday night is no different to any other night. I said it is when my DD is not here. I have no reason to stay home if she is not here.

I do know that life could be a lot worse and is for a lot of people, but as I said to my friend last night, people telling you to pull yourself together does no good at all. She said, but only you can change things. I said yes I know, but when you get depressed, no amount of people telling you to get a grip can make a difference!

Skye

You are in a very position to be in. And it probably doesn't help that the weather is depressing. The thing is you like most normal people would arrange you work so you are available to see MS if it was the other way round. But he must be really need money if he chasing £40 jobs.

Is there anything that you would want to learn as new skill, even if it just for the fun of it. I don't mean exercise classes (just myself that would be my idea of hell) but flower arranging or basket weaving. You could meet new people who have the same interests as you.

I wish I lived nearer to you. So we could meet up.

You are in a very horrible position to be in. See I don't even drink and I still cannot make sense when I type.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 02-Mar-13 16:38:50

Hi Skye any chores like springcleaning or painting to fill the time if you don't fancy working?

Longer term I wonder if you might consider moving. I know you've just got your home and your family are close by.

I don't mean miles away but there has to be a town in your county that's bigger than your current area? Close enough for Sunday lunch round your parents'. It has been great for MS starting school in a small place but by the time she gets to secondary school I'm guessing it'll require a school bus to reach it? Socially there will be more available for her and for you. 6 years or so gives you plenty of time to plan.

Twunt free you can thrive where you like and you are not tied to your locality by a job working for someone else. Just a thought.

CremeEggThief Sat 02-Mar-13 16:50:00

No advice, only handholding and reassuring you you're not the only one who feels like this.

I don't really know any single parents well either (not where I live anyway) and most of my family live in Ireland. Because I've been away so long, we're not that close anyway. Like you, it breaks my heart how little STBXH has to do with DS. He's come up to see him today, but he hasn't even tried to ring him since we got back from Ireland last Sunday. Poor DS said he felt guilty for not calling his dad enough! I was angry, but just said, "Well he should call you as well".

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 16:56:17

The local secondary school for all the local villages is actually within walking distance...... We are basically a large village, but are called a town, although we do not have any "town" shops, only a couple of local ones. The nearest big town is where twunt lives and in the opposite direction of most of my existing clients. There is a kind of in between town, but its not got a good reputation.

I don't want to uproot MS's life more than it already has been so far. I read on here about dad's who remain in the same town etc so as to be near their kids and do 50/50 parenting etc, but Twunt had to go and live in the town where his best mate lived and OW . Although I am very glad that he is not in the same town as I would hate to be tripping over him every 5 minutes.

I have just tried to give advice on another thread, that her X is not going to change and she cannot make him see DD. I just need to accept my own advice. I always have in the back of my mind, that if OW and her H move at any point, then he could well move too. He will use work as the excuse I know, as he always said that if he were single he would move to near the City as it is where all the work is. but of course when it happened, he moved 20 miles in the opposite direction of the city!

now that the mortgage is sorted out, I am going to start putting away the child benefit, as I always have it in the back of my mind, that he could start cutting the maintenance at any point, so I want to try and live without the extra £20 a week at the moment.

The counsellor suggested that I tell XH that I will keep her Fridays, but he has to pay £20 for a babysitter. I said that there is no way he will do that. My mum suggested that I tell him that I am going out on Friday and that I need to know a time, but I said that he is simply unable to do that, or rather wont do that, because of his work. What I will do though, is if I have something important on, I will tell him that he must pick MS up by 6pm or it will have to be the Saturday morning at 11am. So he will lose half a day with her, but it will be his choice.

I have got a ton of housework to do, but cant face that either. Am just working my way through the washing mountain at the moment... I spent half the day in bed. It's not good for me, but I need the sleep sometimes as I go to bed far too late in the week.

donnasummer Sat 02-Mar-13 17:04:37

what's wrong with going away on your own? I am away this Easter, not sure where yet, can't wait! If I stay at home I'll work and do housework. Believe me going away, even for a couple of days, is a real pick me up. I don't go far, just cheap hotel with swimming pool. That way you can get the rest you need, recharge your batteries, and explore a new place. I thoroughly recommend!

CremeEggThief Sat 02-Mar-13 17:34:27

Just to say that's a great idea about the cheap hotel not too far away, donna. I think it might work for me, as I get Saturday afternoon- Sunday evening EOW off. Hope it's something that might work for you too, Skye.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 02-Mar-13 18:19:59

I read your advice on that thread and as usual take my hat off to you it is very heartening to see you able to give calm measured advice. thanks

Totally get what you mean about disruption to MS's life and wanting to keep things as stable for her as possible.
There must be a middle way then of finding fresh things to focus on and ways of meeting new people that don't involve you uprooting.

Recall reading on MN about a particular super-controlling ex who tried to micro manage every aspect of MNer's and their DS's lives. Again another entitled twunt who went through life expecting everyone else to fall in with his wishes. They seem to fall into 3 categories, 1 apathetic and selfish, 1 interfering and selfish and that rare type, amiable decent and willing to step up and be a good dad.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 18:21:14

Just spoke to DD. She said they had been to Plymouth again, so she has spent the whole day in the van while XH works. and now they are off to McDonalds for tea where else

I just wish he would put her first and not work when he has her. Poor DD will remember it as she grows up. I will have a chat to her and as long as she is happy with it, I won't say anything, but if she is unhappy or bored, then I will ask him not to work on the 4 days a month that he has her....

little smug feeling - she said "I love you Mum" totally unprompted by me. When XH rings and says I love you, to her, she never replies.

TheOwlService Sat 02-Mar-13 20:30:57

Hiya Skye
TBH it sounds like your Ex needs the money,hence him working so much.

If I were you (and I know Im not) I wouldnt worry too much about it. If she is not unhappy then I would just leave it. I remember going to work with my dad when I was little and I really loved it. If you ask him not to work on the days he has her he will probably ignore you anyway, especially if he needs the cash.

No point wishing things were different when they aren't. Just try to chill - its doesnt sound like she is coming to any harm. Just try maybe to think a bit more about yourself and developing some new interests and doing some different stuff to cheer yourself up and take positive steps for the future? smile

donnasummer Sat 02-Mar-13 21:30:00

cremeegg it's kept me sane! felt a bit self indulgent at first but it's been a big help in maintaining a positive outlook, and getting out of that boring rut of home, work, kids

chuchiface Sat 02-Mar-13 23:12:51

Hi Skye, I've never posted here before but would just like to say it does get easier, my son's dad and I split up about nine years ago and it was hell for the first couple - everywhere seemed to be full of couples and families. It will get easier and as MS gets older it will be easier for her too.
How about meetup.com as a place to meet folk, there seem to be quite a few things near me and I'm not in a city or anything, think it's just luck. Try and enjoy your time on your own doing things you wouldn't do with MS around.
This year WILL be better than last year. x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Mar-13 13:47:25

Nice encouraging post by chuchiface smile.

Hope you are having a good day Skye. It is a good idea to crack on with domestic stuff in Mini Skye's absence so you don't spend time with her juggling work and chores but love the idea of occasional getaway to hotel with pool etc! Why the hell not treat yourself save up and scoot off for a change of scene.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Mar-13 21:31:40

DD came home again around 5.30pm. He seems to be bringing her back earlier each time, as 6pm is the agreed time, not that Im complaining, but it is getting earler and earlier....

She spent yesterday in the van with him while he worked, he did take her to the park and McDonalds and Softplay apparantly. Today they went to watch OW play netball. So XH has to get his fix of OW one way or another. I think its so sad that my DD's precious few hours with her father are spent while he is working or wanting to see OW. He will never put her first.

I am going to email him and tell him that DD talks a lot about him going etc and that he really ought to try and see her for a couple of hours on a Monday or Tuesday in the week that he hasnt seen her at the weekend. The nights are getting lighter now and he may be able to see her if his work isn't too busy.

But then I think that I am going against what my counsellor says, as she says that its not up to me to manage him now and that I shouldnt suggest things. But I told her, if I dont suggest it, it doesnt happen...

I was doing some tidying up earlier and I found the last Christmas card that I received from XH in 2011, 2 months before he walked out and it was the usual card, with the soppy message and the heartfelt "you are always in my heart, if you knew how much i thought of you, you would know how much I love you, you are the only one for me" type poem. It made me cry, a lot. Proof that everything was normal at that point despite what he later said.

It was so nice to have DD home again and know that I've got her for the next two weeks. We are going out next Sunday for lunch for Mothers Day with my parents and brother. Another new thing, as we always used to take his mum out on Mothers Day as we spent Christmas Day with my parents. So this year I can spend it with my mum.

DD turned up with a little present and a card and gave it to me and told me that I am not allowed to open it until Mothers Day. So XH is doing the presents etc that I didn't do last year. He didn't get anything for his birthday or Fathers Day or Christmas. It's my birthday on 14th, but he obviously hasn't sent her home with anything for that. Not that I want or expect it. my mum will sort out the presents from DD to me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Mar-13 22:50:36

Fair play to Twunt he bothered to help DD get you a gift. shock smile.

Maybe back at Christmas 2011 he hadn't yet decided what to do. A lot must have happened between late Dec and Feb 2012. We know from other MMers' experiences that twunts seldom want to appear the bad guy so often plan their next move cautiously until the storm breaks.

I would hesitate to try and suggest to him seeing Mini Skye at other times. I know you are only thinking of her but it could backfire.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Mar-13 22:53:55

MNers not MMers.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Mar-13 23:33:28

what happened between Dec and Feb was that he gave OW a lift to Uni 3 times..... and went from hardly knowing her, to becoming her "best friend"..... anyway, good luck to her. As much as I sit and cry at times, I am still telling myself, that I am going to be better off without him. i certainly will be financially, once I have caught up with myself now that the mortgage is sorted. and who needs a man that cannot support you when things get a bit rough, but turns to the nearest adoring tramp who makes him think he is wonderful. I am trying to be more positive, even if I end up crying, not to let it bring me down.

Poor DD came home with a raging temperature. She woke up about 10.30 crying her eyes out and saying that her mouth hurt. i text XH to ask if she had been ok as she has a temperature and said about her mouth. Twunt obviously didnt notice did he, or give her any mediton (as DD calls it). he text back that she had said that her mouth hurt. but he did sod all about it did he.

She is now fast asleep in my bed after a dose of Calpol. mummy's love is the best mediton of all. Twunt did text an hour later asking if she was ok.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Mar-13 08:27:59

Poor Dd how is she this morning?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Mar-13 08:44:37

The speed with which he fell for her is quite striking - a romantic idealized 'love' like a crush, though apparently mutual. She was handy Skye he didn't have to look far. Tramp might be stretching it. I think part of the allure in a perverse way might have been she was effort-free: he needn't "woo" her, she is married! She has in theory a husband to lose so she can't make too many demands on Twunt.

Plenty of children do spend time with dads driving on rounds or deliveries, just as they spend time with mums grocery shopping or watching her run a business from home. It does seem a bit flakey spectating at OW's match but arguably it's live entertainment.

Not saying he was so dazzled by netball he neglected mini Skye perhaps she only developed pain on their way home.

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