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Skyebluesapphire goes onwards and upwards

(1000 Posts)
imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:56:56

New thread - link to my old thread for my own purposes.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1548615-How-do-you-eat-an-elephant-One-bite-at-a-time

Onwards and upwards..... through Christmas and beyond..

Skyebluesapphire Wed 06-Feb-13 13:28:40

I hate to admit it, but I've had a really down couple of days again. I am very tired and it is the time of year, because he left on 24 Feb last year (the first time) and everything is "this time last year" . it was my mum's birthday yesterday and I remember how last year he was in a very funny mood that day. The whole weekend he was very quiet and hardly speaking. I was so absorbed in work at the time, that I didn't think much about it, because we all have moods from time to time don't we? My mum recalls how DD tried to grab his phone that day to play games on it and he pushed her away from him and pushed him over. Pushed over a 3yo girl, because he was so obsessed with his phone that he couldnt let it go... what a bastard!

I just think, how can a man be so self absorbed in himself, that he can just decide what he wants and then leave? I just keep thinking that I would have done anything for that man, absolutely anything to have saved the marriage, yet at the same time, it is obvious that I would have destroyed myself if he had stayed, in trying to become something I'm not, just to keep him.... when in reality, his head was so full of OW there was no room for anything else.

I think about how I begged him to come back, when in reality, if I had known about OW at that point, I would have kicked his ass out... then because he came back for 6 weeks, I had the hope that everything was going to be OK, when in reality, he was texting her all day every day and therefore it was NEVER going to work out with us.

I have been reading the book Runaway Husbands, and it could have been written about my XH. Lou says the same about her H... these men follow such a predictable pattern, once they do the shocking thing of leaving out of the blue....

I also had to have one of my cats put down on Monday. I can't afford to pay for ongoing treatment for her. She has Flea Allergic Dermatitis, which can be cured, but the vet also thinks that she has hypothyroidism, and I simply cannot afford the bloodtests and medication. Half her fur had fallen out in the past couple of weeks and she had infections in some of the patches too.

Also, she was messing all over the house, she would wee and poo all over the living room and she had diarreah too, and I simply couldnt cope with the mess any more. I told the vet that I just couldn't take her home again sad

I cried my eyes out after leaving her there. I felt so guilty at having her put down, But I simply cannot continue to look after her and the vet said that nobody else would want her.

It was tough but I had to put Mini Skye first and the cat was a health hazard....

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 06-Feb-13 13:30:26

((hugs))

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 13:56:10

<Offers hanky, pats back> Anniversary type dates are tough, you're bound to remember previous years and recognise what was happening. Hindsight is a wonderful but also painful thing.

Allalonenow Wed 06-Feb-13 15:02:23

Oh Skye how awful for you, everything coming at once. I'm sure your cat had a wonderful happy life with you, so don't feel guilty, you couldn't have let her suffer.

Sending you thanks and virtual cake!

tribpot Wed 06-Feb-13 15:53:13

The poor cat, skye - it sounds like she was in a very poorly way and it was overwhelming you on top of everything else. You did the best you could with a difficult set of choices.

This is bound to be a difficult time of year for you this year; hopefully by next year you will have a greater sense of peace. I think it was intolerably cruel of him to come back the first time - he must have known it was never going to work whilst he was still completely involved with the OW - but he was too much of a coward to admit it and own his decision.

Remember, though, in the case of both your Twunt and the Legendary Chunt, these were not good men to start with. You both persuaded yourselves that some of their appalling characteristics were not that bad, or could be fixed, or were just what they were like. In reality they were selfish and immature, over-indulged by their families and irresponsible.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 06-Feb-13 16:13:27

I feel guilty over the cat as I think she should have probably went to the vets a couple of weeks ago, but I was so busy with work... I did try to rehome her, but they wouldnt until she saw a vet... I couldnt afford the vet, so did nothing... I feel so awful as I have always loved my cats, but they did very much come second after the birth of DD.

Mini Skye gave me such lovely cuddles in bed on Monday evening. I have to get in beside her every night and have cuddles in bed. On Monday, she held me so tightly and for so long, She said that she wished I was there when the stuff blew away at the aquarium. She said that she loved daddy, but really wanted to cuddle me when it happened...

The poor girl is so torn at times. She said I love being home mummy, I just wish that daddy was here too. She is such a gorgeous beautiful girl and so bright and funny. I just have to remind myself that I have her most of the time and that it is very much his loss.

I keep having "lightbulb" moments at the moment, whereby things seem very clear to me and I feel quite settled, then I go downhill again at a memory or something.

A big fear of mine is that I will never meet anybody else. I have not had many relationships, because I was very shy when I was younger and didnt have much of a social life, it took me a while to get out there and meet a bloke. I started going out a lot in my mid twenties, and had a few flirtations, but have only had two serious relationships. XH and 1 boyfriend. After meeting XH at 30, then being with him for ten years, it just seems so weird and wrong to think about being with somebody else. I know when I had that flirtation with match.com man, I found myself thinking then that I was thinking about him and the future etc, so I know that I can do it, but it all just seems so scary and pointless as I don't know how I will ever trust somebody again. When the most unlikely man in the entire world to ever cheat, betrays you with somebody else, who is left out there to trust?!

I know that sounds dramatic and no doubt I will meet somebody when the time is right. I am certainly not rushing into anything. My toothless fish is still pursuing me...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 16:30:51

Even the outwardly most confident person would take a while to recover from the sort of blow you suffered, Skye. In your favour you aren't confined to the house, you work, you socialise, you get out and about, you drive... Although in one sense having a child constrains you to an extent, you shall undoubtedly meet people through her, (school, activities, other friends with DCs).

As you say you aren't rushing into anything, as far as past history goes it's quality not quantity that counts and while you may not recognise every Twunt at first glance, I'll bet your radar will be better tuned now.

tribpot Wed 06-Feb-13 16:46:57

But (as I have said frequently before) he wasn't the most unlikely man in the entire world ever to cheat. Just look at his pattern of behaviour. He did a good impression of convincing everyone he was the archetypal family man, that's why you got (and get) so many comments about 'oh my god, I can't believe he would do that'. But look at what he did do. Walking out on jobs, being bailed by other people when his debts got out of control.

I don't doubt it will take a long time for you to want to trust someone again. Maybe you will never want to live with someone or get married again. I think you probably will, but even if you don't, it's not the end of the world. You can still have a marvellous single life because you're not being dragged down by the Twunt.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 16:56:50

yy tribpot, people don't tend to trumpet their own twattery do they, I'm sure he put on a good front and seemed genuine. Any first date and new contact is scary, (3 cheers for one poster I can think of not a million miles away from this thread who has another date with a new guy after her own species of Twunt).

CremeEggThief Wed 06-Feb-13 17:43:28

No advice, Skye, but here to hold your hand and let you know I feel exactly the same wrt to thinking about another relationship.

Sorry about your cat too sad. Mine is nearly 15 and becoming a real burden, although she is still in good health. It doesn't help that I am allergic to her either. I feel so trapped by her. I would love to move house, but am scared I won't find a rental property that will take pets. But staying here and not having a fresh start is affecting my mental health. I sometimes feel I am waiting for her to pass away and then that makes me feel even guiltier.

It's amazing all the other problems someone leaving unexpectedly causes angry.

tribpot Wed 06-Feb-13 18:11:26

Creme - I've rented out my (strictly speaking DH's) flat to a cat-owner in the past. In my case because of the location the animal needed to be a house cat, which she was, and the owner had already de-clawed her - which I probably should have required but would never actually do. (It's unfurnished but laminate floors). The tenant paid an extra deposit and also for a cleaning job to be done when she vacated - no problem at all.

You do also have the option of rehoming her - as you're allergic it's hardly an ideal situation for either of you. And as she is in good health you might well find someone who needs an older animal and would be glad to give her a home. You never know.

CremeEggThief Wed 06-Feb-13 19:42:42

Thanks, Trib. I know there are properties that take pets, but they just seem harder to find. If I could find someone to rehome her, I would, but nobody I know wants a cat at the moment, and even though she is physically healthy (touch wood!), she is, shall we say, easily stressed and very needy, so I can't imagine a stranger would want her. In our last house, we had to wash our living room curtains practically every week, if we forgot to lock her out of that room at night, as she sprayed them constantly. There were a lot of cats in the neighbourhood and they stressed her out so much, she took to marking her territory inside. We put up with that for six years!

Legally, she is my cat, but STBXH did everything for her from when I became pregnant with DS in 2002. I only even fed her when he was away. I discovered I was allergic to her when she was four, but until recently, I thought it was a slight allergy. I'm not sure exactly what the scale is, but I recently had allergy tests at the hospital, as I have chronic perennial rhinitis, and I came back as a ten to cats and nine to household dust. The consultant said anything over three was counted as allergic sad.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 06-Feb-13 20:24:46

so it's midweek again and no contact from XH to DD.... So much for I'll ring her every week if I can't see her.... he is making no attempt at all to see her midweek now.... I wonder how many times he has texted that bitch today, yet cant find 5 minutes for his DD. If DD was older she would be expecting the phonecall.. thank god she is too young to understand.

When he left he said, I will see her as often as I can, as often as you will let me...... How soon that changes, once they get used to them not being around all the time...... whereas I hate being parted from her for two days at a time.....

We cuddled up on the sofa tonight watching Toy Story before bedtime.

Allalonenow Wed 06-Feb-13 20:33:01

Don't tear yourself up over what he is missing out on Skye, just enjoy those lovely cuddles with MS.

Did you cry at Toy Story, honestly now mind?

tribpot Wed 06-Feb-13 20:45:16

The only thing you can do is try to manage her expectations, skye. When she's older the pattern may have settled into something less frequent but more reliable. He's still going to let her down, though - but you may be able to predict when and negate the situation before it arises.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 20:48:25

I forget sometimes she's so young. What's that they say about teaching old dogs new tricks? I think you'll be able to smooth things over for her Skye - NB her, not him.

Xales Wed 06-Feb-13 20:49:17

Well done for not calling or texting him to ask him if he is going to call her. I know it is really hard as it is for DD.

If it was important to him he would be calling. Working late is BS. He can always pull over for 5 minutes or call when having a cuppa.

It is more important for him to text OW.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 08-Feb-13 23:38:09

Twunt has let me down again as usual. Somebody 10 minutes away from him was selling a dolls house, a bargain at £25 for 3 storeys, all furniture and a family of 3 dolls. Against my better judgement, I asked him if he would collect it for her seeing as it was on his doorstep. This was on Monday. I asked him to text the seller to arrange it.

Come Thursday, the seller contacts me to save no contact received from XH, so I text him and say seller is chasing me, are you going to do this or not, he texts back I've been busy, was going to tomorrow.....

So of course, I end up texting him back, yes, too busy for your DD again too! but you can text that bitch whore every fucking day, all day long (didn't put that bit obviously, even though I am longing too...) So 3 hours later, he replies, I will ring her tomorrow, ie today....

So he did actually manage to ring DD tonight, she told him about the cat going to cat heaven, so he then text me to find out what happened to the cat. More concern shown for the bloody cat than either me or DD! TBH DD doesn't seem that bothered in speaking to him most of the time. He doesn't seem to understand what she is saying anyway and just laughs nervously a lot, which then bores DD and she gives up trying to tell him anything anyway!

In future, if she hasn't heard from him and asks when she is going to see him, I will just let her ring him there and then, but if she doesn't ask, then so be it.

I am concerned about next weekend, as I know that his football team are playing not too far away and he usually goes, but he hasn't said that he can't have DD, so I wonder if he is intending on taking her? I think that she would be a bit bored though....

and the lady selling the dolls house wants it gone by tomorrow and he's going to Scotland on a job and wont be back until late tomorrow..... so letting me and DD down again.....

Why oh why did I bother to ask him? It's saved me a 1.5 hour round trip, but it would have been less hassle to have done it myself........

Go and get the dollhouse today (and take some flowers to say sorry for messing the seller about) and chalk it up to experience again as to why not to ask him for anything.

I hope you didn't reply to text about you cat (sorry to hear about it).

I think it a good idea about letting MS to ring him if she hasn't heard from him and asks about him. Hopefully it will hit home that it about her feelings and not him or OW feelings.

Have you got plans to go out next weekend if can you arrange a backup if he doesn't take MS (and make him tell her himself that he can not have her). If you have to pay for a sitter then make him give you the money.

tribpot Sat 09-Feb-13 08:01:12

You probably need to be a lot more realistic about his capabilities. I wouldn't have asked him in the first place, even though it would be ludicrous to drive miles to fetch something that's right on his doorstep. But I would have given him til Wednesday to have arranged something and then made other plans. The owner must be totally narked off about it.

It goes without saying that he should have just got the dollshouse as soon as he was asked to. But he's just not that arsed.

He may be planning to leave dd with OW or his mum whilst he goes to the football, I guess? I wouldn't put anything past him.

CremeEggThief Sat 09-Feb-13 22:03:07

I second the suggestion of a back-up plan for childcare next weekend, if you can. Otherwise, you will be on edge all week, waiting for him to let you down.

Did you manage to get the doll's house? Chalk it down to experience and don't ask him to help again.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 10-Feb-13 01:27:01

Yes, had a text from him earlier to say he had collected it......

Obviously I sent him a gold medal immediately for being so bloody clever.... grin

tribpot Sun 10-Feb-13 08:32:41

What a hero hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 10-Feb-13 10:05:02

As long as the right parent gets credit for arranging it mini Skye has the pleasure of it, that's the main thing. He really is self-absorbed isn't he?

Quite funny OW is at the same level of texting interest as a dead cat.

Not surprising DD feels less inclined to chat to Daddy on the phone on the rare occasion he bothers.

CremeEggThief Sun 10-Feb-13 17:42:12

Glad for MS that at least she got it! (Make sure she knows you organised it all smile

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