Trust issues.

[Scorofina]

So I'm new to mumsnet so please bear with me. I am in a long distance relationship with my partner he is 43 and l'm 38 and he lives in New Zealand and he has asked to marry me. I have a son whose dad now lives in Canada. We were childhood sweethearts and reconnected on FB 18 months ago. I love him and want to say "yes" but l have issues as l can't let go of his past. He has 4 children with diff women. They are aged 19,16, 10 and 3 years old. There is no drama from 3 baby mothers as they have moved on and he takes care of the children. The 3 year old was unplanned, friends with benefits and next thing they were parents. There is drama there but he went through courts and has access to his son. He was married to one of the mothers and is divorced. He has out firm boundaries with the mother.

Main issue is that he has lied to me about a number of things, he got 2 women pregnant at the same time but they miscarried. I found out in his FB as he let me access it. He says he wants to be a better person and has shown me in the 18 months he is ready to settle down and be a better person as he is older and hopefully wiser. I am scared he will do to me what he did to the other women but doesnt he deserve a chance?? Or should I run now before it gets bad?? l will be the one moving as it is a great place to live. We skype for hours everyday, he has been here, l have visited him and he appears genuine. He is a kind man, works hard and my whole family think I should settle with him as we both are mature enough to make it work. Impartial advice would be much appreciated.

[Sioda]

What was it he lied about? It's not clear from your post. And what did he say when you confronted him about the lie? I don't like the sound of him saying he 'wants to be a better person'. It's nice and vague and sounds like he's going to put the burden of inspiring him to be a better person onto you to be honest. Why hasn't he just sorted himself out already? He's 43, he's had plenty of time. And has he been specific about what it is about himself he wants to change? Has he actually been honest with you about his behaviour in all of these relationships and has he done the work of figuring out why he did whatever he did? Never mind what your family say, sounds like they only know him from visits so they're hardly qualified to judge.

[ClippedPhoenix]

So, youve told us one lie - that he slept with two other women at the same time (am I right in assuming he was not in a relationship with either of them at the time?) Did he just not admit to this OP, hence you saying he lied or did he deny this until you found some evidence on FB?

What are the other lies, you stated there's a number of things?

[Scorofina]

Thank you for your reply. Sorry if l was vague, he omitted to tell me about getting 2 women pregnant at the same time. Which in my books is lying as l has asked him to be open about his past. Also he never corrected me when he knew l didn't know about his 16 year old. I found out myself from his FB. He said he ddnt want to lose me and was going to tell me after we had gotten to know each other better as you can't hide a child. The changes are to be honest with me in all aspects, to be committed in this relationship. He hasn't blamed the women in his past relationships. He has admitted he was the one with problems and let would let them fester and would just end it as he is not confrontational. This is another thing he has shown me he is working on. Since we have been together he hasn't given me reason to doubt him but its his past behaviour that worries me.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Well... people can change, of course, and if you were talking about dating him I'd say give it a go. But you're talking about moving to the other side of the world, with a child, to be reliant on someone you don't 100% trust - or actually, by the sound of it, not much more than 50%. Erm, I'd think this one out very carefully. and then say no

[Jux]

Wanting to be a better person is not actually being a better person, is it? I would tread very very carefully. NZ is a great place to live - I have relatives there - but I think marrying someone who is not yet a better person is a bit of a drastic way to get residency.

[Scorofina]

@ Jux. It's not about residency. I can move there on my own if I want through my profession and also have my sister and her family there so no it's not about residency. He would move here but we have to consider his kids and it is a nicer place to live. Thanx for your other advice though.

[joblot]

He posts about miscarriages on Facebook? Am I misinterpreting this?

What else is there that makes you unsure about him?

[Scorofina]

@Joblot. They were private messages between him and the women from when they had the miscarriages. He gave him his password so l was free to read stuff with his blessing. He forgot he had them but was hebwas ok with it coming up early on in the realtionship. Also the 4 kids with diff women is always at the bck of my mind. But if he is changing shouldn't l give him a chance??i know it takes long to change habits etc and from the advice here I know l shouldn't rush it. Problem is, he is the other side of the world. What would be the point continuing a LDR for 3/4 years?

[Sioda]

Those are two massive lies of omission. He's dishonest and he makes excuses for it. He thinks it sounds endearing to say he hid his 16 year old as he didn't want to lose you. Why on earth would he have needed to get to know you better to let you know about one child when you already knew about the other 3? Makes no sense.

So in total he's got 3 different women pregnant 'by accident'. Hasn't quite worked out the whole contraception thing has he? How did he explain those 3 contraception failures? You'd think he was a teenager not a 43 year old man with 4 kids. And were the two women he got pregnant at the same time aware of each other and happy with that situation?

It's also an interesting problem he's admitted to - not being confrontational is a bit like admitting to being a perfectionist in a job interview. He's saying his problem is that he's too nice. With a history like that I doubt that's his biggest problem. Unless being too nice means being unable to stop sleeping with exciting new women regularly and being unable to remember contraception. Oh and being too nice to himself to tell you about one of his kids.

He sounds selfish and irresponsible. It's easy to promise he's going to be different with you. Especially when you're not even in the country. If you want to move for your own reasons then do and see if he changes but don't move for him.

[Lovingfreedom]

How often do you see each other at the moment? I think it's a big risk to move to the other side of the world to marry someone...especially someone with this relationship track record.

[Scorofina]

&@Sioda He was in relationships with the 3 women and his reason for not using condoms was that when u with someone for years you trust they are using contraception when they tell you they are. His problem was he ddnt want to marry the 2 and they got pregnant, stayed with them for a bit and then moved on. Believe me l have told him what l think of that and all his BS cuz lm not a pushover. It's just what confuses me are his actions now , he seems to want this so bad and he seems so sincere and l am a tough nut to crack but l keep folding. I can go there on my own and start a life and maybe see how he is when we are just dating but in the same country. Thanx for that advice.

[Lovingfreedom]

Do you want to go there anyway? If so, go for it. From what you've put so far though this is all about what he wants and about him...you are a pushover if you will travel across the world to take a chance on marrying a guy who frankly sounds a bit flaky to say the least.

[Scorofina]

By the way he accepts that he has been selfish, irresponsible, and has hurt a lot of people. He still has ok relationships with the exes except The one with the 3 year old. We see each other twice a year. He is coming for Xmas and wants us to get engaged. Hence I'm here!!!

[Sioda]

But the two who got pregnant at the same time - was he in a relationship with both of them for years? And all that time they knew about each other and were ok with it and with him not using contraception with either of them? Unlikely.

It sounds to me like you kind of want to go anyway and try out the lifestyle there especially as you have family there and can work. That way you'll never have to wonder whether he really had changed and if he was the 'one that got away'. You'll never know from this distance whether he's changing or not(especially given his lying tendencies...).

[Scorofina]

@ lovingfreedom. It's giving someone a chance. We all make mistakes right?? So we should be punished forever for our mistakes?? see that's what pops in my head n get me all confused. Moving there doesn't make me a pushover. It's a LDR and one of us has to make the move.

[Sioda]

God please don't get engaged until you move over there and see how he behaves for a while at least! Just put him off by saying you have to see how the move goes before making any big decisions or something like that. He's pretty old to change the habits of a lifetime, sorry...

[Lovingfreedom]

How old is your son?

[Lovingfreedom]

If you want to go there anyway then I'd say, go for it. But you're not punishing him for his mistakes, you're simply looking out for your own best interests rather than jumping into something that, let's face it, does have a fairly high risk of not working out.

[Scorofina]

@lovingfreedom. My son is 12.
@sioda. Great advice. I think I should just re think the whole relationship. It's not worth the heartache that could happen. Have my son to think of as well, got a good job here so...

[Lovingfreedom]

If you're son is only 12 then all more reason to be cautious...could you go out for an extended break and see how you and your son like it first before taking the plunge?

[joblot]

Ok. So he was having sex with 2 very naughty women at the same time who both lied to him about contraception and had miscarriages? Wow.

I know what you mean about people changing but I'm not sure we change a lot, especially when older. He was still impregnating women 4 years ago. I think youre in a difficult position but I'm not sure he's worth the massive sacrifices and risks you'd have to make. I'd consider cutting your losses and ending it, easier said than done I know

[clam]

Well, I got in a bit of a muddle with this, but I'm afraid I'm going to quote my dear old dad on this one: messy!