Mumsnet Talk

Advice needed please! So, I met a guy via internet dating just over 10 weeks ago, I’ve had the best time in years, he is the same age as me, 41, with two boys similar in age to mine (his are 7&9, mine are 8&3), we have had some great weekends and last weekend we met up and went mountain biking with all the boys who got on like a house on fire. I am currently going through an (amicable) divorce, he got divorced just under three years ago, his ex has a new partner who lives with her and the boys. I assumed from what he had told me that she had left him for this new guy, he was a guest at their wedding. Anyway, Sunday we’d just had lunch and he said that he had to tell me something, so I sat down and he said that the reason him and his ex split up was because HE had an affair. With someone who worked for him. And still does. He said that it went on for 18 months and finished when his wife found out 3 years ago. I got upset and said, ‘Well if you can do it once, what’s saying you won’t do it again’, and he said never again, I realised what I lost, I’m serious about you that’s why I wanted to tell you etc etc…

Question is, why did he tell me? It’s now made me lose trust in him and made me think he’s actually quite weak (he said he , ‘tried’, to end the affair twice), it’s his Christmas do Thursday and I did say what if she gets pi**ed and makes a play for you? What then? Before Sunday I completely trusted him, was having the time of my life and could completely imagine a future with him, now I don’t know what to do….

Well, he's 'single' now, isn't he? Presumably, if he wanted to be with the other woman, he could legitimately do so - and he wouldn't need to tell you at all.

I don't get this "make a mistake, pay for it forever" ethos. It's smug and annoying. If his confession bothers you that much then walk away. If his ex-wife still has a cordial relationship with him, that should tell you much about him - in spite of his mistake.

I am not sure what it all means, but how can you "completely trust" a man you met over the internet only 10 weeks ago? That sounds desperately needy and unrealistic to me.

You're right Lying, his relationship with his ex is amicable, and if he wanted to be with the OW he could be, it's just the thought of them at work together and knowing what happened....

I think a cheater in one relationship can behave in the next. Problems in the first relationship maybe what pushed him to the affair. I don't think this person should be seen as a threat again, if they were meant to be they would be. Sounds like she was just a shag. Anyone is capable wether they've done it before or not, personally id take it with a pinch of salt, but be aware in any relationship to watch the signs

Jane, I think you know if you can trust someone? I'm not desperately needy or unrealistic, I just feel that I can trust him.

Thanks cantbelieve...

Op you've known this man for ten weeks. That's less than three months.

You need to chill out.

As for his affair - well I'm sure you've done things you're not proud of haven't you? Do you expect to be judged forever for them?

I would see it as a bonus he was this upfront and honest.
It would be a good sign he isn't planning on doing it again, because if he was planning on cheating he would hardly give you a heads up.

He could have so, sooooo easily let you believe his wife was the "baddie" and played the victim.I would see this positively.

And if he hadn't told you and you'd have <somehow> found out in 6 months time? You'd be exactly the same but saying ' why didn't he tell me ... '

Just chill out. He made a mistake, a choice, a decision ..whatever.. before he met you. LONG before he met you. It has no bearing on you now.

Make your position very clear on what will happen should he be unfaithful to you. And then... let it go.

I think its really commendable he has told you actually. Better to tell you as soon as possible than for you find out in the future. I also agree that if he is on such good terms with his ExW in such circumstances then there is a lot good going on.

Chill out. Dont rush it and certainly dont panic about trust at this stage, just enjoy yourselves.

Thanks everyone. Chill pill has been taken!

My take on this would be, he has put his cards on the table, which is good. If things have been good until now, I wouldn't chuck this in based on that admission alone. Might be a golden opportunity for you to say where you draw the line, what you are prepared to condone or not.

You could stay on an uncomplicated level, just meet as friends for playdates but it sounds like you wanted more than that. Are you sure you're not rushing things?

10 weeks in may not be long and he doesn't owe you anything but you've trusted him enough to introduce your children to his already and if you were going to be exclusive it's as well to be frank and open, hence telling you now.

If he's vulnerable to temptation he doesn't need to hang on until the Christmas do. If he is tarnished in your eyes now call it a day sooner rather than later.

sorry x post!

yep, think being up front shows his need to be transparent about who he is/what he's about/what he's done which he regrets.

He has learned from his mistake.

Now: what you need to do, is ask him about his wife and marriage. What happened, why, and what he has learned.

and when you hear how much he still loves her, run

I think you completely overreacted to this OP. You haven't been with him very long and he obviously takes the relationship seriously as you have met each others' kids and they have met though it sounds a bit soon to me

The fact that he has been honest with you isn't deserving of punishment, it's admirable. It's a myth that all men who have affairs are going to be serial cheats. And lots of people who aren't 'the type' at all have affairs because of their circumstances, which actually proves there isn't a 'type' at all.

There are some women on here who are finding their husbands using hookup sites for the third time after promising not to. These are leopards who won't change their spots, but your guy sounds like a decent bloke. Don't punish him for being honest with you. Try not to be so insecure. It's very unattractive. Jealousy has ruined many a good relationship.

He's not hidden it from you, he's being open.
If there were an element of risk to this party, he'd be an absolute plonker to tell you before the party, now wouldn't he?

You are only rencently with him, you can't really tell who he is fully yet.

Use this as a reality check, and see how transparent, open and honest he is from now on.judge his actions from know, from a position of knowledge, not just blind hope.

Go into this with your eyes open, invest what you can afford to lose emotionally and see where that takes you.

No sudden moves, if you trust him. And he sees that, it will potentially be his greatest incentive.

If his former mistress still works 'for' him, why would she bother to make a play for him if she gets pissed at the Christmas do when she can come on to him any time?

I agree with the above; 10 weeks is far too early for you to start playing happy blended families with a man you know nothing about except what he's told you.

Make 'que sera, sera' your mantra and go with the flow.

What he said about it is what matters. He said never again because he realised what he lost.

Had he said his wife was a dragon who drove him to it, or that the only reason he had an affair was because he was so unhappy, they would be warning signs. Because people who blame their exes or their relationships for their bad choices haven't learnt a damned thing and will repeat offend, however good the partner or the relationship.

But he didn't. He sounds like he took responsibility and learnt a painful lesson.