How can we move forward?

[midgeymum2]

This may be long. I have been married for 7 years, together for 12. We have 2 dds. We met at uni, where he graduated a year before me and found a job. We are fortunate that my dh works in an industry where a house is often offered as part of employment package and so we were able to move in together with no rent/mortgage. I spent a couple of years doing post grad then professional qualifications all the while earning fairly piddly wage as a trainee. Passed exams got qalified and was on ladder to long term career goals. Had dd no 1 then dd2 1 year later. Didnt go back to work aftet mat leave with dd1 as couldnt flexibly work. Company I worked for contacted me after birth of dd2 to ask me back on self employed basis. Am now working 2 days a week. Now to crux of problem! My dh believes, probably correctly, that he contributes more financially. The real problem is that he will throw this 'trump card' on the table during every big argument we have. It makes me feel like shit. Can I get him to appreciate my contribution to the relationship and our family? I should not have to do this, I know but feel that I should try and resolve this rather than walking away. I do love my husband but I cannot live with this lack of respect! What can I do? Thank you in advance for reading or replying

[caramelwaffle]

It may sound blunt but it may take you going full time, out earning him and making him pay childcare fees to change his attitude.

[caramelwaffle]

Well done on all of your qualifications and new job btw.

[Twitterqueen]

This is not good. Of course you contribute in so many ways that mean so much more than 'money'. Its true but sad that men nearly always earn more than women in any relationship - even when they're both doing the same job.

Does your DH do the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, childcare? I know mine didn't, despite times when I was supporting him financially.

You are right that this respect should not have to be forced or dragged up by you each time you have a disagreement. He is being totally unreasonable and I do think that where there this degree of resentment and animosity and lack of respect on his part, that you are storing up trouble for the future.

Sorry - it's a bit glum but maybe you can take a real, hard stand now and try to squash this once and for all?

[midgeymum2]

I know, I know you are all right this shouldn't be happening for so many reasons! But I do love him and want to find a way of dealing with this (even though it should not be an issue). I am not ready to walk away just yet and really do want my marriage to work but this is not how I want things to be. I just can't see how I can 'make' him respect my contribution. This makes me so sad.

He does work very long hours in

He works long hours in a very underappreciated industry (he's a farmer) and he does do housework I would say his fair share although I do more as I am in the house more. I don't mind this. He does his bit with the kids too, again I can't say I'm not happy with this aspect of things. It is just his perception of 'income generated = validity of opinions' that I can't stand!

[midgeymum2]

That is true. Both points you make. I think I may start by writing him a letter explaining exactly what he does that I find so hurtful and why I feel he doesn't value me. Perhaps this will get through to him, perhaps not. But at least I will hve tried something. I did think of suggesting some sort of realtionship counselling but he I think will say that his comments are heat of the moment and not how he really feels. I am generally happy in the relationship but am noticing that when we do argue this keeps coming up so it IS in fact how he really feels and just can't/won't admit it for whatever reason.

[midgeymum2]

Thank you for your support re qualifications and work! It is nice to hear x

[olgaga]

How sad to be with someone who has so little regard for the work you do in the home and raising your DDs.

You work outside the home two days a week, then at home five days a week. Did you know that a live-in nanny housekeeper in London earns on average £314 per week. This salary may go up to £600 per week dependant on duties, hours, number and age of children, experience and qualifications. An employer would also have to consider tax and NI too.

Outside London it averages £250 per week, again depending on experience, duties etc plus tax and NI.

Perhaps you should make him aware that if you were to separate, the law would recognise your contributions as being equal to his, and also take into account things like your loss of earnings while raising your family, and consequent reduced ability pay a mortgage?

He should do, because if he carries on like this, you might just decide you'd be better off without him.

He sounds jealous of you - and petty, ignorant and ungenerous.

[midgeymum2]

Exactly! This is what p*sses me off! If he does have an issue can we not just sit down together and deal with it like adults?! Which we seem to be able to do with other issues - a big part of why I am committed to this reationship. So can I get around this? Am I being a doormat? I want to set a good and healthy example to my daughters. I want them to grow up knowing that they deserve to be loved for who they are not how much they earn.

[izzyizin]

Tell him 'in the heat of the moment' that, as he places such little value on you as his dw and dm to his dc, your marriage is unlikely to become one of long duration.

[midgeymum2]

Olgaga you are quite right does make me very very sad. And then very very angry. I need to try and tackle this rationally though which is where I am struggling!

[midgeymum2]

Izzyin I have told him that! The trouble is that it really is heat of the moment on my part. And yes motherhood and all it entails is undervalued I thought he might have some empathy for this but it seems not. Hmm.

[olgaga]

The main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

This is why financial settlements are rarely 50/50 where children are involved. Someone has to look after them and raise them, and a home doesn't tend to run itself. The unpaid work you do, contributing to the welfare of the family as a whole is of equal importance. If you didn't do it unpaid, it would have to be paid for - and that would affect your ability as a family to accumulate savings and assets.

But you know all that anyway. I suppose the question is, can you put up with this for much longer? It doesn't sound like it!

Perhaps when your children are at school you will be able to increase your working hours - but in all honesty, do you think that would make him happy? I seriously doubt it.

I bet it would irritate him even further if you took away his ridiculous excuse for being "in control" of your "joint" decisions!

Because that's what this is all about. It's not about money, or who contributes the most. It's about control.

[midgeymum2]

No you're right - I hope that when the kids are both at school I can increase my hours and I feel very lucky indeed for being (potentially) able to do this - but it would not be good enough. This problem is HIS problem and I can bring it to his attention and stand by him and support him in resolving it but I cannot deal with it for him.